Mario Mario and the Dungeon of Secrets
by gamer4
Summary: Upon returning to the Smash Mansion, Mario finds a horrible monster stalking the halls. Oh, and there's something turning students to stone, too. Second installment in the Mario Mario series. Based off Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets. Complete!
1. Birthdays with the Smiths

Gamer4 in. Yeah, we are back, and (hopefully) better than ever! We're counting down to the new year: 2012 is rolling in! By the end of the year, the world will be over, and we'll have all moved on to whatever afterlife awaits us! But that's not until December, so we at the Writing Gamers association are celebrating with the first chapter of our newest story: Mario Mario and the Dungeon of Secrets! Those of you who haven't read the prequel, Mario Mario and the Hylian Stone, you might want to read that first, for any of this to make any amount of sense. The first thing on the new year, this story is going up! Anyways, let's get started here!

Disclaimer: Okay, I'm only going to say this once: I don't own Harry Potter, Super Smash Bros., or any franchises associated with the latter. There, I said it. Happy?

Mario Mario and the Dungeon of Secrets

Chapter I

Birthdays with the Smiths

"It'll be a fun summer..."

And so it came to be that Mario got yet another lesson in tempting fate. It wasn't the first, and it definitely wasn't the last, but it was there nonetheless.

We could describe in excruciating detail how that summer was not fun in the loosest sense of the word, but that would take too much time, so let's just skip to the worst part of it.

It all started at breakfast at a random house in Peach Creek. Peach Creek was probably the most bizarrely named town ever, anywhere. There wasn't a creek in the town, or anywhere near it, and nothing in the town had anything to do with peaches. Who had named the town? Who knows?

But moving on. In one particular house in that bizarrely-named town, not for the first time, and likely not for the last, an argument had broken out during breakfast. The reason for the argument was fairly simple: John Smith, the 'attacker' of the argument, had been awoken in the middle of the night by the cries of a dissatisfied albatross.

"This is the third time this week!" John shouted furiously. "And it's ****ing _Tuesday!"_

Though he knew it was ultimately pointless to argue anymore, Mario, the 'defender,' gave it a shot. "He's bored," he repeated for the 9001st time. "He's an albatross, he's not used to being caged up all the time. Really, I don't think albatrosses in general are housepets, but being in a cage has to be hell for him. If I could just let him out every now and again-"

"How dumb do you think I am?" John shouted, putting his hand in a tub of butter as he leaned across the table towards Mario. Mario had to desperately resist the temptation to answer. "Do you think I don't know what you'd do if you had the chance?"

Mario would have asked exactly what John expected, but he was cut off by Bill, his cousin, who'd cleaned his plate, shouting, "More bacon!"

"There's some on the griddle," Aunt Kate said, sounding, as ever, as if she was speaking to a being from Mount Olympus. "We do need to get you all the food you need while we can. I don't like the sound of the food at that school."

"Ah, don't worry about it," John said, calming as he turned to his wife and son. "I never went hungry while I was there."

Mario dearly wanted to point out that Bill could probably go for seven years without starving, but it wouldn't help his case.

Bill turned to Mario. "Frying pan. Now."

Mario, irritated by his consistent failure to win his albatross, Parrakarry, any amount of freedom, handed the pan over. As he did, he added, "Don't take any smashed pieces, highness" without thinking. Of course, he'd meant this sarcastically, but his poor word choice horrified the rest of the household. Bill leapt back what was, for him, a tremendous amount of distance: an inch or so. It was still enough to send him toppling over. Kate quietly screamed, and John stood up, towering over them, preparing to let out all his rage.

"I meant smushed!" Mario said quickly, realizing his mistake.

"WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT MENTIONING THAT WORLD IN OUR HOUSE!" John shouted. Not giving Mario time to answer, he continued. "WE GIVE YOU THIS HOME, FOOD FROM OUR TABLE, AND EVEN BILL'S BEDROOM, OUT OF OUR HEARTS, AND YOU STILL HAVE THE AUDACITY TO THREATEN BILL!"

Mario stared at John, and looked over at Kate, who was helping Bill to his feet.

"Okay, okay," he said. "I get the point."

John sat back, still breathing like he'd just run a marathon, and keeping his eyes on Mario.

Yeah, this wasn't the first time this had happened. Ever since Mario's homecoming for summer "vacation", the Smiths had been treating him like a live bomb, though John was the most critical about it. Why? Well, the fact was that, whatever else he said, John was right: Mario wasn't from their world. He wasn't normal. Even among the unnatural, he was abnormal.

He was a smasher. The school he'd gotten back from was the Super Smash Bros. School of Smashing, at the Smash Mansion. As unhappy as the Smiths were to be dealing with him again, it was nothing to how he felt about being back with them.

Mario missed the Smash Mansion. The mansion itself, with all its hidden passageways and secrets that none seemed to know all of. He missed the classes, (with the possible exception of power-up study, taught by Wolf,) the mail being brought by the albatrosses, the meals in the dining hall, his bed in the dorms, visiting the Crazy Hand (who was exactly what his name implies) by the Lost Woods, and, of course, Smash-Up, the most psychotic and exciting sport the smasher world had to offer, played on karts.

As soon as he'd arrived back at Peach Creek, any mementos he'd had of the world of the smashers had been locked up either in the attic he'd formerly slept in, or out in the garage. (The last referring to his Flame Runner, the best kart there was.) The Smiths didn't care at all about anything that had a connection to the smasher world. It didn't matter to them if Mario lost his place on the Smash-Up team after a summer of getting his skills nice and rusty. They cared maybe slightly less what happened if he returned to the Smash Bros. with none of his homework done. The Smiths were pure muggles (aside from Mario's mother being Kate's sister) and were extremely anti-smasher. The argument came from another act by them to cut him off from that world: they'd locked up his albatross, Parakarry, in order to stop the bird from carrying messages between him and his friends.

Mario was definitely the odd one out at the Smiths'. John was tall with a brown moustache, Kate was a little shorter with red hair, and Bill was a blimp with legs. Mario, on the other hand, was shorter, had black hair and blue eyes. On his forehead, however, was the strangest thing about him, the thing that made him an oddity even in the smasher world, a land of oddities.

Twelve years ago, on Halloween night, Mario's family had been attacked by perhaps the most evil smasher who ever lived: Tabuu. The guy had been so feared that some smashers still flinched at the name twelve years after his downfall. His parents had died, but for some reason, Tabuu had been unable to kill Mario himself, the one he'd been there to kill in the first place. Even stranger, the moment he'd failed in his attempt, his own powers had been destroyed, along with his body and the house. Crazy had saved Mario there.

After that, Mario had been brought to the Smiths, the only family he had left, though they were only family in the very loosest definition. For eleven years, the Smiths had kept the secret of Mario's past to themselves, refusing even Bill when questions arose around that area. They'd held steadfast to their story that Mario's house had burned down, killing his parents.

It was a year ago, in a miserable shack on a rock off the coast, when the Smash Bros., frustrated at the lack of response from letters they'd sent the Smiths in regard to Mario attending the Smash Bros. school, had sent Crazy to fetch him personally, and that's when the real story came to light. Mario had gone back to the Smash Bros., and found a place there. But the school year had ended about a month and a half ago, and now he was back with the Smiths, who liked him no better with Smasher powers than without.

They were even ignoring that today was his birthday. Not that he expected anything special, he'd have to be insane to after past experience, but they at least tended to acknowledge it. The last time they hadn't even acknowledged it, Uncle John had been in the middle of a psychotic breakdown, and everyone else was too focused on that. Even Mario himself had briefly forgotten.

It was here that Uncle John stood up and said, "Okay, now, as we all should know, today is immensely important."

Mario looked up. Could it be?

"This could be the day that I make the biggest deal ever."

No. It couldn't be. Mario felt stupid. John was talking about the dinner party that he'd been talking about for the past few weeks, almost non-stop. There were a couple of rich people in the middle of a deal with John's insurance company, and they were coming over to their house to seal it.

"Now, let's run over the schedule one more time, just to make sure we all have it," John said. Yeah, like the last few dozen times hadn't been enough. "We all have to be in position at 7:00 sharp. Kate?"

"I'll be in the living room, waiting to welcome them," she said immediately.

"Good. Bill?"

"I'll be waiting to open the door," Bill said, putting on a smile that scared Mario almost as much as Tabuu himself. "May I please take your coats?"

"They'll love him," Kate said happily.

"Indeed," John said, before turning on Mario. "And you?"

"I'll be up in my room pretending I was never born," Mario said, trying not to show emotion.

"Exactly," John sneered. "Okay, then I'll come out, and we can get some drinks. Come 7:15..."

"That's when I announce dinner," Kate said.

"And Bill?"

"That's when I say, 'May I lead you there, Mrs. Ingo?'" Bill said, making a motion like he was offering his arm to someone.

"Just perfect!" Kate said, as Mario snorted quietly.

"Very much so," John agreed, before turning back on Mario. "And you?" he growled.

Trying to keep his face straight, Mario said, "I'll still be pretending I was never born."

"Exactly," John repeated. "No one outside of here knows about your abnormality, and we want to keep it that way." Turning to the others, he continued: "Now, when we're all done eating, you take Mrs. Ingo into the living room, and I'll start bringing the subject around to business. If we're lucky, we'll be looking for our vacation home just tomorrow."

Mario didn't have any reason to look forward to this: even if they brought him, instead of sending him over to Mr. Jenkins's house, he doubted things would be any better at a vacation home than they did back at Peach Creek.

"Okay!" John said. "I'm going to go get some suits for Bill and me. _You," _he added, turning on Mario, "stay out of Kate's way."

Mario dully turned and headed out to the backyard. No place at Peach Creek had a large yard, and the Smith house was no exception. However, they did have a bit of a bench, with some bushes and a fence separating their yard from their neighbors'. He hadn't expected a great birthday, but this one ranked an all-time low. His gaze drifted into the bushes. If there was one thing he missed from the smasher world more than anything else, it was his friends Link Faron and Zelda Hyrule. However, it didn't seem like they were missing him. He hadn't heard anything from either of them since he left them at Seatac airport, even with Link's parting idea of asking Mario to visit.

Mario had lost count of the times he'd almost decided to use his power to open Parrakarry's cage and send a letter to them, but even if he had that ability (his main ability was in pyromancy,) young smashers weren't allowed to use their abilities outside of school. The Smiths, of course, knew nothing of this: it was only for fear of retaliation that they didn't lock him up in the attic again. For a week or two after his return, he'd enjoyed messing with Bill, as he'd thought he would, but Link and Zelda's lack of any communication had sapped any of that of any fun. And now they'd forgotten his birthday. Great.

He'd even, on a couple of occasions, caught himself wondering if the whole thing had been a dream. Of course, that was only for very brief stretches of time, but still.

Of course, the year hadn't been perfect. It had been at the end of the year that he'd come face to face with Tabuu once again, possessing Mewtwo, former teacher of Psychic abilities. He was a wreck of his former self, and had been left in a nasty position when he abandoned Mewtwo to his death. Mario still hadn't fully recovered from the incident.

Mario suddenly tensed up. He'd been staring absentmindedly into the bush, and the bush had suddenly started staring back. There were two blue eyes looking right back into Mario's.

Mario got to his feet, ready for whatever was about to happen, but a voice suddenly came across from the house.

"I know what day it is!"

That was Bill. The eyes briefly turned towards Bill, then looked back at Mario, before blinking and disappearing.

"Come again?" Mario said, still looking at where they'd disappeared.

"I know what day it is!" Bill repeated in an annoying singsong voice.

"Wonderful," Mario said. "You finally know what a day is."

"It's your birthday, isn't it?" Bill sneered. "How come you're not getting anything? Don't you have any friends at the asylum?"

Keeping calm, Mario said, "Better not let Aunt Kate hear you talking about the Smash Bros."

Bill flinched a bit at the mention of the school's name, not unlike some smashers still flinched at Tabuu's, but he quickly recovered. Suddenly looking suspicious, he said, "Why are you staring at that bush?"

"I'm trying to decide on the best way to go about incinerating it," Mario said. "Have to practice, you know."

Bill jumped back, a look of horror taking him. "You can't!" he said. "Dad said you can't! He'd kick you out!" Apparently deciding Mario was bluffing, he started getting back into his smug manner. "And it's not like you have anywhere to go, you don't have any friends to-"

Mario jumped backwards, and started moving his hands forwards dramatically, in a way that no smasher would conceivably ever try to actually do anything. But it seemed to work: Bill turned and ran towards the house, trying not to fall over. "Mom! He's doing the stuff with the thing that he got from the place!"

Mario paid dearly for it, though he still decided afterward that it was worth it. Kate was able to figure out that he hadn't actually done anything, from the lack of harm anywhere, so he got off a bit easier than he might have, but he had to duck a blow nonetheless. Then he got some work to do.

While Bill stayed in watching some tv for a change, and Kate started preparing the meal, Mario did all the cleaning of the house and cars, and mowing the lawn, and making everything nice and even. Kate wasn't satisfied until dark was starting to fall. Mario finally went into the kitchen to have his own dinner before heading up to, in essence, erase himself from existence. That night's cake was on the table, with turkey cooking in the oven.

"Hurry up! They'll be here soon!" Kate said, handing him some bread and cheese. Mario had it done in almost less than a minute, then rushed upstairs to his room. As he headed up, he heard Uncle John's car pulling into the driveway. Mario hurried to his bedroom, making as little noise as possible, and collapsed on his bed.

As soon as he did so, he jumped up again, hearing a yelp behind him.

_XXXX_

4... 3... 2... 1... HAPPY NEW YEAR! Welcome to 2012! I know this chapter wasn't the best, but hopefully, this is the start of something much greater! Welcome to Mario Mario and the Dungeon of Secrets! Thanks to those of you who are returning, or to any newcomers! The only downside to all this? School's starting up again in two days. Ah well, you have to take the bad with the good! Please R&R, constructive criticism that can help make the story better is, as always, welcome, while flames will not accomplish anything, Gamer4 out!


	2. Yoshi's Warning

Gamer4 in. Well, I'm updating this a little later than I initially planned. Lots of stuff has been going on over here. Also, I've noticed a couple of people wondering if this story being written means that I'm going to do the whole series. Well, not necessarily. As I've told some of you, I would definitely _like _to do the whole series, but as it has been noted, that's a major commitment. Not to mention that the series gets harder to parody as it goes along, getting darker and darker all the time. Keep in mind: I'm not giving up on the idea, I just want to give you fair warning. The story's being written with the whole series in mind, in case I do decide, among other things. Anyways, let's move on now. Here's the next chapter of Mario Mario and the Dungeon of Secrets!

Disclaimer: I said I wouldn't say it again, and to that I hold.

Chapter II

Yoshi's Warning

Mario didn't scream, though this was probably due to him shoving his fist in his mouth at the last second. The thing on his bed wasn't frightening, but its appearance at all shocked him. It looked something like a dinosaur, with a huge nose, and blue eyes that arched above. The top half was green, the bottom white. Mario, recognizing the eyes, realized that this thing was what had been watching him from the bushes earlier.

For a moment, neither of them spoke. Mario could hear Bill: "May I please take your coats?"

The thing jumped off his bed and sank into what seemed to be a sort of bow. As he did, Mario noticed a saddle of some sort on his back. "Mario Mario!" it said in a voice that suggested reverence. "Yoshi has wanted to meet you for so long!"

"Um... thanks," Mario said, uncertain of how to respond to this. Moving around the room to Parrakarry, who was still asleep, and disregarding his intended question of what the thing was, he instead said, "Who are you?"

"Oh, Yoshi!" the thing said. "Just Yoshi."

"Ah," Mario said. In his first year at the Smash Bros., he hadn't seen anything that looked like Yoshi. "I don't want to sound rude but... um... what are you?"

"Yoshi is a Yoshi!" Yoshi said, not sounding offended at all.

"You're a Yoshi... and your name's Yoshi?"

"Yoshi's family didn't have much imagination," Yoshi admitted.

"I guess not," Mario said, looking around to make sure that the Smiths weren't coming up the stairs. He quickly shut the door. "Um, is there any particular reason you're in my bedroom?"

"Oh, of course!" Yoshi said. "Yoshi must tell you... this is hard, though... Yoshi doesn't know where to start."

"Why don't you sit down then?" Mario suggested, pulling up a chair and sitting on the bed himself. This, apparently, was the wrong thing to say. Yoshi, far from seeming grateful, burst into tears.

"Sit down!" he cried. "Sit down!"

To his horror, Mario thought he heard the voices from downstairs waver a bit. "Sorry!" he said quickly. "I didn't mean to step on your toes or anything."

"Offend Yoshi?" Yoshi gasped for air. "Never! Yoshi has never been asked to sit by a smasher! Like an equal!"

Finally sitting down on the chair, Yoshi calmed himself. He looked upon Mario with eyes that were only a couple degrees from idol worship.

"Maybe you just haven't met many decent smashers," Mario suggested.

Yoshi started to shake his head, but halfway through, he suddenly jumped up and began bashing his head violently against the nearest wall, shouting "Bad Yoshi! Horrible Yoshi!"

"What are you doing?" Mario asked, jumping up pulling Yoshi back. To add to Yoshi's noise, the bashing had woken up Parrakarry, who, alarmed, jumped back and added his own fright to the din. Going over to calm Parakarry, Mario turned on Yoshi. "What was that all about?"

"Yoshi had to punish himself," Yoshi said, sitting back in his chair. "Yoshi almost insulted his family."

"Family?"

"Yoshis are bound to serve smasher families forever," Yoshi said sadly. "Yoshi's couldn't be bothered thinking up a name, even."

"Do they know you're here?"

Yoshi shivered. "Oh, no," he said. "Yoshi was forbidden from doing this thing, but he had to. He will have to punish himself, of course, but it will be worth it, to save Mario Mario..."

"Won't they notice if you punish yourself?"

"Maybe, but Yoshi doubts it," Yoshi said. "Yoshi always must punish himself for something. His family lets him. They even remind him to do them sometimes, and offer more punishments for having to be reminded..."

"That's horrible!" Mario said. "Why don't you get out of there? Escape?"

"A Yoshi can only leave if they are set free. And the family would never set Yoshi free, even by accident. Yoshi must serve them until he dies."

Mario, staring, said, "Man, and I thought it sucked being stuck here until I could get back to the Smash Bros. It almost makes the Smiths seem like they have souls. Is there anything I could do to help?"

Once again, he'd chosen the wrong words. Yoshi once again burst into tears. "Calm down!" he said desperately. "The Smiths can't know you're here!"

"Mario Mario would help a lowly slave!" Yoshi cried. "Yoshi knew Mario was great, but even Yoshi didn't know of Mario's goodness!"

Feeling himself go as red as his hat, Mario said, "Whatever you've heard about my greatness is bubkiss, if you want a great smasher, you want Zelda, she-"

Mario cut himself off here. Talking about Zelda was painful.

"And modest!" Yoshi said, sounding even more reverent than before, if that were possible. "He doesn't even speak of his triumph over the Great Darkness!"

"You mean Tabuu?"

Yoshi recoiled slightly. "Oh, please, don't speak the name! His name is dreaded even among us Yoshis."

"Sorry," Mario said. "I know the name's not popular. You should hear Link when-"

Once again, Mario cut himself off. Talking about Link was painful too.

Yoshi spoke again. "Yoshi heard, from the Word on the Wind, that Mario met the Great Darkness again just a few weeks ago, and triumphed yet again!"

Nervously, hoping this wouldn't set Yoshi off again, Mario said, "Well, yes."

Yoshi's eyes suddenly shone with tears. "Oh, sir," he said, "Mario Mario is truly great! He has come through so much! But Yoshi has forgotten his purpose. Yoshi must warn Mario, even if he must punish himself grievously later: Mario Mario must not return to the Smash Mansion this year!"

There was a long silence, and the dinner party below was, briefly, audible.

"What?" Mario finally asked. "I've got to go back! The year starts in September! It's the light at the end of this tunnel, it's what I look forward to! I don't belong here, I belong in the smasher world, at the Smash Bros.!"

"No!" Yoshi insisted. "Mario can't go there, Mario must stay here. It's safe here. Mario can't be lost. He's too great! Too great a loss! And he will be in mortal danger if he returns to the Smash Mansion."

"What are you talking about?" Mario asked, looking surprised.

"There's a plot," Yoshi said, looking around like he wanted to make sure the walls didn't have ears. "If it happens, the Smash Mansion will be a deathtrap! Yoshi found out long ago. Mario Mario can't return! He can't be lost!"

"Who's planning this stuff?" Mario asked.

Yoshi backed away and began leaning uncomfortably near Mario's dresser. Mario quickly reached out and pulled Yoshi back.

"Okay, I'll take that back. But why are you warning me? What's it got to do with-" Suddenly, an idea occurred to him. "This doesn't have anything to do with- um- the Great Darkness, does it? Don't say anything, just shake or nod!" he added quickly as Yoshi leaned near Mario's lamp, like he intended to pick it up. Still looking around shakily, Yoshi shook his head.

"No, not the one who cannot be mentioned," Yoshi said. However, as he said this, he seemed to be trying to hint something. If he was, Mario couldn't tell what.

"What, does he have a brother, or a cousin, or a friend or something?"

Yoshi shook his head. No doubt about it this time, he wanted to tell Mario something, but it looked like he didn't dare.

"Man, he _was _pathetic," Mario said. "If he didn't have any family or friends... but who else would want horrible things happening at the Smash Bros.? I mean, that place has the Master Hand. You know who he is, right?"

Yoshi nodded. "The Master Hand is one of the greatest smashers ever," he agreed. "Yoshi has heard that the Master Hand's powers were even enough to combat the Great Darkness at his strongest. But-" here Yoshi's eyes started darting around more than ever, and Mario listened intently, sure that they were getting to the real importance, something that Yoshi definitely didn't want to get caught saying, "-there are powers that not even the Master Hand has... secrets among the darkest of smashers-"

Suddenly, a look of horror came over Yoshi, and he jumped up, grabbed a stray baseball bat from the corner of the room (which held various broken items of Bill's) and began attacking himself with it, punctuated with yelps of pain.

By the time he'd stopped, Mario could hear that the voices downstairs had gone silent. Then, Mario heard footsteps heading upstairs, and Uncle John saying, "He must have left one of the t.v.s on again. Hard to keep track, to be honest!"

"Quick! The closet!" Mario said, not wanting to know what Uncle John's reaction would be to seeing a Yoshi in his house. He quickly shoved Yoshi in, shut the door, and had just lay down on his bed when John burst in.

"What are you doing up here?" John said. He was, as he was prone to doing, shouting as quietly as he could, so that the Ingos didn't hear. "You have no idea what you just interrupted! One more sound, and you'll regret the day you were born!" With this, he stomped back downstairs, without Mario even getting a chance to answer the question. Maybe that was for the best.

Mario quickly jumped up and opened the door to let Yoshi out. "And _that, _Yoshi, is why I gotta get back to the Smash Bros.," he said. "It's the only place that I have friends!"

"Some friends," Yoshi said quietly. "They haven't even written to you!"

"They've probably just been bus- wait a minute. I never said it was- I mean, I never told you they haven't been writing to me."

Yoshi backed up a bit, fear flitting across his face. "Yoshi shouldn't have said that. Please, don't be angry with Yoshi."

"Have you been stopping my letters?" Mario asked, trying to stay calm.

"Yoshi hoped that Mario would think his friends had forgotten him. Yoshi hoped Mario wouldn't want to go back- what is Mario doing?"

Mario was advancing on Yoshi slowly. "You shouldn't have done that,"* he said.

Yoshi started backing away. "Yoshi can get Mario's letters back if Mario will promise not to go back to the Smash Bros. Please! You cannot face this danger! Say you won't go back!"

"I can't!" Mario said angrily. "Give me the letters back!"

Yoshi looked sad. "Mario Mario leaves Yoshi no choice," he said. He turned and ran into the hall.

Mario sprinted after him. Outside, he saw Yoshi's tail disappearing down the stairs. Mario ran after him, staying as quiet as possible. He jumped the last few steps, somehow without making a single noise, and began looking around for Yoshi. Listening, he could hear Uncle John trying to convince one of the Ingos to tell Aunt Kate some sort of story. Ignoring it, he ran into the kitchen, where he finally found him.

Yoshi was looking at the cake on the table. Seeing Mario approach, Yoshi turned and shot out his tongue. The tongue wrapped around the whole cake, and Yoshi pulled it into his mouth. However, he didn't swallow. Instead, he ran into the main room. He jumped into the air, and, sounding like he was using a bit of effort, seemed to stay in the air longer than normal. Without alerting the Smiths or the Ingos, Yoshi landed lightly on a nearby bookshelf. He kept himself out of view of the muggles, and looked at Mario again. His mouth full of the cake, he couldn't speak, but his eyes very clearly were asking Mario again.

"I can't!" Mario said quietly. "I can't stay here!"

Yoshi looked sadly at him, then spat the cake out- onto Mrs. Ingo's head. Yoshi took one last look at Mario, still looking sad, then was suddenly gone.

The Smiths and Ingos turned around to see Mario standing there. Mario knew he was in for it: what were they going to think?

At first, it seemed like John would fix everything just fine. He quickly told the Ingos about how mentally disturbed Mario was, leading to him being kept upstairs, and, after promising the Ingos compensation, turned on Mario, promising that he'd likely kill him in the morning, and shooing him back upstairs.

That said, John still might have gotten that deal made, if it wasn't for what happened next. Mario had been up for only a few minutes when John, sounding even more furious than before, if that were possible, shouted for him to come downstairs.

Apparently, just after Mario had gone upstairs, an albatross had swooped in, dropping a letter in Mrs. Ingo's lap, prompting the already-on-edge woman to rush from the house, screaming. Mr. Ingo had stayed long enough to explain that Mrs. Ingo lived in fear of retaliation from birds for being made into soup, being kept captive, etc., before asking them how crazy they were, and rushing out after her.

As John had been explaining all this, he'd been holding the letter. "You want to know what it says?" he asked ferociously as he finished.

"What?" Mario asked, genuinely curious.

"It says that your government found out about an s-word using their power here," he snarled, "and they wanted to remind you that that's an offense of the law!"

Mario was at a loss for words. "So," John persisted, "you're not allowed to use your _abilities _outside of school?" A nasty smile was beginning to spread on his face. "I've got news for you, then," he grinned. "You're never going back to that school. You'll never see those worthless friends of yours! And if you use smashing to get out, they won't take you!"

XXXX

And so it came to be that life at the Smiths' became even worse than before. The next day, John personally put some bars on Mario's window, in addition to a prison-style opening in the door that could be closed through which the Smiths would push food every now and again. Mario was only allowed out of his room twice a day to use the bathroom.

It was three days later, during which the pattern had gone unchanged, that Mario went to bed, watching the sun sinking again. As he lay down, he wondered, once again, what would happen to him.

He could, of course, use smashing to bust out, but then he wouldn't be able to go back to the Smash Mansion. Nevertheless, life was horrible with the Smiths even by their usual standards. No matter what Yoshi had saved Mario from at the Smash Mansion, Mario was likely to die of starvation anyways.

That night, Mario had a nightmare involving himself being trapped in a cage. Outside, there was a crowd shaking the bars and laughing at him. Looking out, Mario saw Yoshi, and called out for help, but Yoshi only called out that he was safe there and was gone again. The Smiths appeared, and Bill was shaking the bars, shouting, "Hey, Mario! Mario!"

Mario suddenly sat up in his bed to find that part of his dream was true: someone was looking through his bars. A very familiar someone.

Link Faron.

_XXXX_

*This is a reference, but from an internet horror, so approach with caution.

Man, that chapter's finally done, and in only a couple- wait, what? _What _does that calendar say? _March? _I haven't updated in _3 months? _Man, that sucks! I guess I just so caught up in that alternate dimension that I forgot to write some more of the story! (Yeah, I can't even let the author's notes go by without inserting a reference or two.) Man, sorry for the long absence. I didn't intend to. Anyways, let's see if we can keep the story going this time. To help that goal, please R&R, constructive criticism, as always, is welcome, flames aren't any good, Gamer4 out.


	3. Ordon Cottage

Gamer4 in. Picking up old traditions, I have nothing to say here.

Disclaimer: There are only so many ways to word the same thing.

Chapter III

Ordon Cottage

"Link!" Mario exclaimed, hardly daring to believe it. He went to the window as quickly and quietly as he could. "How did you- what the-"

Mario's jaw dropped as he realized what he was seeing. Link was leaning out of the doors of a tall blue box that was _floating. _Mario could even see a whole gigantic room inside. Also peeking out of the room were Link's brothers, Kirby and Meta Knight, who were twins.

"How ya doin', Mario?" Meta Knight asked, looking bright.

"What's been happening?" Link asked. "I wrote to ask you to stay like 3 dozen times, and you never answered! And then, the other night, Dad came home and told us that you got a warning from the Government for using your powers here-"

"Not me, but how did he know?"

"He works with the Government," Link explained. "You know that we're not supposed to use smashing outside of school!"

"Look who's talking!" Mario said, looking at the blue box. It was tall, blue, looked like a phone box, and had the words _Police Public Call Box _written across the top.

"Oh, this is Dad's, we didn't do this. It doesn't count. But using your power in front of muggles-"

"Like I said, I didn't. There's no time to explain right now, I'm not sure how heavy the Smiths are in the area of sleeping- aside from Bill, he once slept through a hurricane- anyways, tell the Smash Bros. that the Smiths locked me up, and won't let me out. And, of course, I can't use smashing to get out, because the government would think that it was the second time I'd used my powers in a few days, so-"

"Enough ranting!" Link interjected. "We're taking you with us!"

"But you're not allowed to use your powers either-"

"Aren't you forgetting who I have with me?" Link nodded at Kirby and Meta Knight.

"You insult us," Kirby faked a hurt voice as he tossed some rope to Mario. "Tie that around the bars, will you? The good old Sky Runner will pull through."

"I'm dead if the Smiths wake up," Mario muttered as he tied it up. At the other end, Meta was tying up the rope to a column in the gigantic room. "What is that thing?"

"Oh, the Sky Runner?" Kirby asked. "Dad made it, he saw some show-"

"No time!" Meta called, twiddling some dials. The box lurched in the opposite direction, and the bars fell out, dangling below. Meta quickly rushed over and began reeling them in. Back in his room, Mario looked quickly at Parakarry, who was mercifully quiet, and listened for the Smiths. There were no sounds that he would recognize as the Smiths thundering down the hall.

With some more dial-twiddling, Kirby steered the box closer to Mario's window. "Get in!" Link said urgently.

"What about all my stuff?"

"Where is it?"

"All my stuff except my kart is in the attic, and the kart's in the garage-"

"Is there a door from the house to the garage?"

"Yeah, but-"

"No problem," Meta said cheerfully as he and Kirby climbed in the window. Meta pulled a hairpin out lord-knows-where, and quickly began to pick the lock.

"A lot of smashers don't bother with this kind of stuff," Kirby said as the lock began to click. "But you know us! We never pass up the chance to learn stuff!"

"Got it!" Meta said cheerfully as the door swung open. "Kirby, you get the kart. I'll get all the other stuff."

"You got it!" Kirby said quietly as he passed, taking the hairpin.

"Careful!" Mario hissed to Kirby as he headed down the stairs. "Don't wake up the Smiths!" Turning to Meta, he added, "how are we planning on getting the kart again?"

"You'd be surprised what that box can hold," Meta said, looking up at the attic door. "Give me a boost, will ya?"

Mario lifted Meta onto his shoulders, who stretched out one of his arms, and pulled the trapdoor to the attic down. He quickly jumped up and began handing things down to Mario to hand to Link.

Finally, only Mario's main case was left. Meta jumped down and helped to lug it into Mario's room and lift it over the window, where Link dragged it into the box. The Smiths still hadn't woken. Mario quickly went back and grabbed Parakarry, handing him over in his cage.

"Okay, time to go!" Meta said, jumping in himself.

"What about Kirby?" Mario asked.

"Don't worry about it!" Meta said. Just as he said this, there came a great grinding noise that Mario recognized as the garage opening. Suddenly, he heard Uncle John shouting:

"BOY!"

Mario was momentarily frozen in place. The door swung open quickly. For a moment, he could see Uncle John and Aunt Kate. John, not one to be outwitted, didn't allow himself to be put off by the blue box in the background. Instead, he charged after Mario, who turned to Meta and Link. Just as he was about to jump in, John seized his ankle. "You're not going anywhere!" he shouted.

Meta and Link both jumped forward and seized his arms. After a brief moment of becoming a human tug-of-war rope, Mario was in the box. "Let's get Kirby, and then get out of here!" Link said.

"Wait, what-" Mario started.

"Just a second!" Meta cut him off. He steered the box towards the ground, where they landed with a thump. Looking, Mario could see that the opening was facing the garage. Kirby was in his kart, behind the wheel. As soon as he saw them land, he floored it. Mario, Meta, and Link all ducked out of the way, and the next second, though Mario wasn't sure how it had happened, the kart was in the box with them. Kirby slammed on the brakes and jumped out.

"Fly!" Link yelled to Meta, who started pulling levers. As he was doing this, Link himself rushed over and closed the doors. The inside began to tremble, and, looking out the window on the doors, Mario could see Peach Creek falling away, and the next thing he knew, it was disappearing into the distance. He was free.

Mario turned to the others. He naturally had a lot of questions, but there was something more important first. "Can we still open the door up here?"

"Yeah, for a bit," Meta, who still seemed to be piloting, said.

"Do you think you could slow down enough for a bird to fly with us?

"Yeah, sure,"

Mario went over, opened up the door, and opened Parakarry's cage. Parakarry wasted no time in jumping out and swooping into the night.

"He hasn't had the chance to stretch in over 9000 years," Mario explained as he shut the door again.

As everything stabilized again, Link turned on Mario. "We didn't have enough time to talk back there, but now we do. What's been happening? Why haven't you been answering any of my letters?"

And so it came to be that Mario told them the whole story with Yoshi and the cake.

"Well, I'd say that's fishy, alright," Kirby agreed, when he was finished.

"Yeah, something's up," Meta put in, pulling another couple of levers, and keeping his eyes fixed on some sort of screen in the upper part of the room. "He didn't even tell you who was supposed to be planning all this?"

"He sounded like he wanted to," Mario recalled. "But every time he was about to, he started smashing his head against whatever he could get his hands on."

Kirby and Meta threw a significant look at each other, a look that Mario didn't miss. "You think he was lying?" Mario asked.

"Well," Kirby said, sounding like he was trying to decide how to word it, "yoshis have a lot of their own power, but they're restricted by their masters. Some masters are better than others, but... anyways, I'm thinking that Yoshi was sent to stop you from going back to the Smash Bros. As a joke, you know. Horrible sense of humor, of course. Is there anyone at school with a grudge against you?"

"Bowser Dragmire," Mario said. "He hates my guts."

"Bowser Dragmire?" Meta asked, momentarily taking his eyes off his steering. "As in, Ghirahim Dragmire's son?"

"Well, how many families do you think there are with the name 'Dragmire'?"

"I've heard Dad talking about him," Meta said thoughtfully. "He was in deep with You-Know-Who."

"When he disappeared," Kirby put in, turning towards them, "Ghirahim was let go. He said he never meant any of it. Bubkiss- Dad bets he was right in his closest circle."

Mario had heard these rumors before, and had never seen any evidence to dissuade him. "I'm not sure the Dragmires have a yoshi..."

"Well, whoever owns him will be an old smasher family, probably rich," Kirby advised.

For a moment, there was silence. Bowser _did _always seem to have the best of everything, so his family probably had money to spare. The image of Bowser in a mansion actually wouldn't surprise him that much.

"It's good we came to get you anyways," Link eventually broke the silence. "First, I thought it was Bootler-"

"Who the heck is Bootler?"

"Family albatross. He's older than time itself. It wouldn't be the first time he passed out on a delivery- that was probably back before Noah- so then, I tried to borrow Flurrie-"

"_Flurrie?" _

"R.O.B.'s owl," Link said. "But he wouldn't lend her to me. Said she was needed. Well, actually, what he said was-" here, he put on a deadpan voice that still managed to be condescending (so, a pretty good imitation,) "'Her services are still required here.' Whatever that was about."

"He has been acting weird this summer," Kirby put in. "He _has _been sending a lot of letters, and he's almost always in his room. I mean, even R.O.B. has to have a limit on how many times he can polish a badge before he's satisfied. We're going too far north," he added to Meta, who adjusted his steering accordingly.

"So," Mario said, deciding to change the subject, "does your dad know you have this thing?"

"Well, no," Link answered uncomfortably. "He's working late tonight. If we're lucky, we'll be able to get this back without Mom realizing we took it."

"Oh, come on, that's almost as bad as saying 'What could possibly go wrong!'" Meta interjected.

Ignoring this last, Mario asked, "So, what does your Dad do for the Government, anyways?"

"He works in the Muggle Items Misusage department," Link said. "You see, there's a law against altering things that are muggle-made, because they sometimes end up back in muggle shops that don't realize what they are. Like, a few years ago- this was before my dad, but still,- there was this muggle that bought a video game that belonged to some insane smasher family, took it home and played it- man, it took the Government _months _to cover that one up, these things called elegy statues were everywhere, and it was scaring the muggles like crazy. They had to reboot the internet that time. It's even hard for smashers to reboot the _internet _without muggles noticing."

"But what about this box?"

Kirby laughed. "Oh, yeah, Dad's crazy about Muggles. He has a shed to himself, full of Muggle stuff. He's always doing stuff to it to make it a bit more special. If he raided _us, _he'd probably be in jail until it rotted on top of him. It drives Mom crazy. He saw this one Muggle show on a converted t.v. that had a box like this, and, of course, he just had to try it. He made a few changes to the design, but it was similar, and this is what came out of it. The good old Sky Runner."

"If we follow this road here," Meta said, keeping an eye on the screen, "we should be there pretty quickly." Throwing a quick look out of the window, he added, "Good thing too, the sun's starting to come up."

The Sky Runner began to draw closer to the ground.

A few minutes later, Meta called out, "And here we are!" as, with a small thump, the box landed. Link opened up the door and jumped out. The rest followed suit, and Mario was able to, for the first time, see Link's house.

It was a tall building that, according to the normal laws of gravity, probably shouldn't be able to stay up, but, given that he had just flown there in a police box that was bigger on the inside, he was willing to give some allowances. A sign near the place said _Ordon Cottage. _A random assortment of objects like old tires and boots lay in a heap near a shed in the yard.

"It's not much," Link said, sounding a bit uncomfortable.

"It's awesome," Mario assured him.

"Okay," Kirby said, "we've got to be quick and quiet. We'll go to our rooms, and wait for breakfast. That's when Link can jump down and say, 'Oh, Mom, look who turned up last night!' and she'll be so happy to see him that she won't think to ask how he got there."

"I'm not sure that'll work, she'll want to know eventually-" Mario started, but was cut off by Meta.

"We'll cross that bridge if it comes!" he said quietly. "Link, show him to your room, quick!"

"Right!" Link said. "Come on, we have to hurry, I'm... at the... top..."

Link had suddenly turned so green that he blended in with his clothing. The other three turned to see what he was looking at.

Mrs. Faron was stalking across the yard. She was relatively short- or, at least, Link stood taller than her- woman, and, like most of the Farons who had hair, her hair was blond. At the moment, she was putting Mario in mind of a hunter coming in for a kill.

"Ah," Kirby said.

Finally, she stood in front of them. For a moment, all was silent. Even the chickens in the yard seemed to have silenced themselves for this incident. "So," she said.

"Morning!" Meta said, in an attempt at a cheerful voice.

"Do you have any idea how worried I've been?" she said.

Looking around, Mario could see that the three Farons looked like they were bracing themselves for a storm- for good reason, as he found out quickly.

"YOU LEFT YOUR BEDS EMPTY! NO NOTE! THE SKY RUNNER WAS GONE! YOU COULD HAVE CRASHED- ANYTHING COULD HAVE GONE WRONG- WHEN YOUR FATHER GETS HOME- WE NEVER HAD ANYTHING LIKE THIS HAPPEN WITH LINEBECK OR MIDNA- okay, maybe Midna- OR R.O.B.-"

"Yeah, R.O.B.'s perfect," Kirby muttered.

"YOU COULD HAVE DIED!" Mrs. Faron continued. "YOU COULD HAVE BEEN SEEN! HOW MANY PEOPLE DO YOU THINK WOULD THINK A FLYING PHONE BOX WAS NORMAL?"

It seemed like hours later when Mrs. Faron finally seemed to be done. Here, she turned on Mario, who took a couple steps back.

"It's great to see you, Mario," she said. "Come in, let's have some breakfast, shall we?"

XXXX

The kitchen was small. In the middle, there was a table that seated ten, and Mario took a seat himself, looking around the kitchen. It was the first time he'd been in a smasher's kitchen, or, indeed, a smasher's house.

There was a clock on the opposite wall with no time on it: instead, it had the names of various conditions (like, _fine, at school, in danger, at work, _etc.) and there were many more hands than normal, each with a name of a member of the Faron family on them. There were several books with strange titles settled on top of a nearby fireplace. There was an old radio set on top of the counter, and, if Mario was hearing correctly, it was just announcing an upcoming 'Smashing hour with Venus Topolla.'

As Mario was taking all this in, Mrs. Faron was going around the kitchen, cooking breakfast. Her agitation was clear: she was throwing things into the frying pan (which would move to catch what was being thrown if she missed) and she was frequently throwing dirty looks at Link, Kirby, and Meta. Every now and again, they caught her muttering to herself, with random sentences like "What were they _thinking?" _and "Can't even believe it."

As she handed a heavily-laden plate to Mario, she said, "Of course, I don't blame you, Mario. Rusl and I were worried too. We were just saying last night that if you hadn't written back by Friday, we would go over to check on you ourselves. But even so, flying a blue box halfway across the state, and it's not like it blends in..."

As she said this, she snapped at some dishes behind her, and they began cleaning themselves in the sink.

"It was cloudy!" Kirby objected.

"Mouth closed while your eating!"

"They were starving him!" Meta insisted.

"You too!" Mrs. Faron said, but she nevertheless seemed a little calmer as she started adding some buttered bread onto Mario's already straining plate.

Suddenly, there was a diversion as a small, blond girl in pink pajamas came downstairs, saw Mario, gave a small, unidentifiable noise, and was gone again.

"Peach," Link muttered quietly to Mario. "She's my sister. She hasn't stopped talking about you since we got home. Got a little annoying, truth be told."

"Yeah, she'll want your autograph soon," Kirby said, grinning, but was quickly silenced with a glare fro his mother. It wasn't until breakfast was done that anyone spoke again.

"Well, I'm beat," Kirby said, standing up and yawning. "I'll be in my bunk."

"No, you won't!" Mrs. Faron said, turning on him. "You were the one who thought it would be a good idea to be out all night. There are foppies in the yard again, you need to go clear them out."

"Oh, come on!" Link said.

"You two also!" Mrs. Faron said, turning on them. Turning to Mario, she added, "You can get some rest. You didn't ask them to fly that box."

However, Mario didn't feel tired. "No, I can help."

"Nice of you, but it's very boring work." Turning, she picked up a large green book. "Let's see here..."

"Oh, come on!" Meta Knight groaned. "We know how to clear out foppies!"

Mario looked at the book. The title was _Tingle's Guide to Standard Pests. _On the cover was a smasher that Mario assumed was Tingle. He was relatively tall, clean-shaven, and had well-kept black hair. Mrs. Faron was smiling at the picture.

"He knows his stuff, alright," she was saying.

"Yeah, Mom likes him, alright," Kirby said in a not-so-quiet whisper.

"Don't be rediculous!" Mrs. Faron said, turning red. "If you think you know better than Tingle, then okay! Go on, take care of the foppies! But there had better not be a single foppy out there when I come out to inspect!"

The Farons made a quick exit with Mario following behind. The garden outside was large and wild. There were multiple plants of all shapes and sizes scattered around at random, and there was a pond that seemed to be a home for frogs.

"So, what exactly _are _foppies?" Mario asked.

"Kind of hard to explain," Link said, reaching into a bush. "They're really weird creatures, even by our standards..."

For a second, there was a scuffling noise, and then Link stood. "Well, _this _is a foppy."

"Foppy! Foppy!" the foppy squealed.

Mario wasn't exactly sure what to make of it. It was a short round thing. Most of its body seemed to be its head, with the feet on the bottom. The round part, which most of its body was, had the eyes, and nothing else. He couldn't even see any arms. The entire foppy was a deep shade of pink.

"Now, here's what you do," Link said. He grabbed the thing by its feet in one hand, and held the top of the head in the other. With this done, he began to spin it like a top. Looking at Mario, he added, "It doesn't hurt them, but if they're not dizzy, they just come back. These things breed like crazy."

With this, he lifted the foppy up and tossed it as far as he could. It went high, but it only seemed to just land on the other side of the fence.

"Pitiful," Kirby said. "Truly pitiful. I bet I could get past that scarecrow out there."

Mario quickly learned to show the foppies no sympathy. Thinking they were just harmless creatures, he tried to just drop his first on the other side. The foppy quickly jumped up and kicked him in the face. In retaliation, Mario spun it, and began winding up for a toss, and then-

"Wow, I think that breaks our old record..."

The sky was soon blocked out by small pink bodies.

"These things breed quick," Meta said, picking up six of them at once, "but at least they're not as bad as fobbies."

"_Fobbies?" _Mario asked.

"They're the same thing, except they breed faster, and they're more vicious."

"How do you tell the difference?"

"Well, foppies are pink, right?"

"Yeah..."

"Well, fobbies are borange."

"...Whatever."

Soon, the foppies that were left got the message, and began leaving on their own.

"We're not done with them," Link predicted as he watched them go. "They think this place is awesome. Dad's soft with them, he thinks they're funny."

Just as he finished saying this, they heard the front door slam.

"Speak of the devil!" Meta said.

They hurried back into the house.

Mr. Faron was slumped in a chair, his eyes closed. He was tall, relatively well-muscled, and had blond hair, just like most of his kids that had hair. He also had a beard and mustache. He was wearing an old-style white outfit.

"What a night," he was muttering. "Nine raids, and old Kamek tried to curse me when my back was turned." He took a drink out of a cup nearby and sighed.

"What did you find?" Kirby asked eagerly.

"Just a few trick keys and a sentient die. There was some other stuff, but none of that was my department. One smasher was taken away for questioning about some strange beetles, but that's another department altogether. But still, the kind of thing smashers have taken to messing with, it's unbelievable..."

"Like police boxes?" came a deadly-sounding voice. Mrs. Faron had arrived.

"P-police boxes?" Mr. Faron asked, looking nervous.

"Yes. Imagine a smasher seeing a time-traveling police box on a random muggle t.v. show and getting an old police box of his own, assuring his wife he just wanted to see how they worked, when he was really converting it into a _Sky Runner."_

Mr. Faron blinked nervously.

"Well, um... it wouldn't actually be illegal... even if he probably should have told his wife the truth... there's a loophole... as long as he wasn't intending to fly it..."

"You made sure there was a loophole when you wrote that law!" Mrs. Faron burst. "And for your information, Mario arrived here this morning in that Sky Runner!"

"Mario who?" Rusl asked blankly. Looking around, his eyes fell on Mario. "Oh, Mario _Mario? _It's great to meet you, Link's told us so much-"

"_Your sons flew the Sky Runner to Peach Creek and back last night!"_

"Really?" Mr. Faron said eagerly. "How did it go- I mean, that was very wrong of you three, very, _very _wrong..." he quickly changed gears when he caught Mrs. Faron's eye.

"We'd better go," Link whispered to Mario. "I'll show you my room..."

They quickly left the kitchen and darted down a hall to a staircase that wound its way up through the building. On the third floor, they caught a brief sight of blue eyes behind a door that was just open, before the door shut.

"Peach," Link said by way of explanation. "She's not usually this shy. It's usually getting her to shut up that's the problem..."

It was a few flights of stairs later that they came to a room marked _Link's Room. _

Mario stepped in and blinked, unprepared for the violent burst of green therein. On the walls, there were multiple posters of the same seven smashers in the same green uniform, sitting in karts.

"Your Smash-Up team?"

"Yep, the Runaway Seven," Link said. "Fifth in the league right now."

All of Link's books were piled in one corner of the room, and his power controller, an old sword, was on top of a nearby empty fish tank, with his old cucoo Oreo sleeping in a nearby patch of sunlight.

Mario stepped over to the window to look out. True to Link's earlier prediction, he could vaguely see the foppies scampering back towards the yard. He turned back to look at Link, he seemed a little nervous.

"It's a bit small," Link admitted. "It's definitely not like that room back with the muggles, and I'm right under the bokoblin in our attic, and he's always making a bunch of noise..."

Mario, however, grinned. "This is the greatest house I've ever been in."

Link went almost as red as Mario's outfit.

_XXXX_

Well, that break was much shorter than the last one. Which is good, of course. And now, you're going to hear me say this a lot: thanks for reviewing. It's great to know that others are enjoying the story as much as I'm enjoying writing it. Please R&R, constructive criticism is welcome, flames are not, Gamer4 out.


	4. Hoarders Book Store

Gamer4 in. You've probably gotten used to this by now. Nothing to say.

Disclaimer: Ugh, do you _really _need to hear me say this again? _Really? _

Chapter IV

Hoarders Book Shop

If there was anything more different from life at Peach Creek than life at Ordon Cottage, Mario couldn't think what it was. The Smiths insisted on keeping everything as neat as possible, while the Farons didn't seem to bother themselves with things like that. Random things occurred on a daily basis there, and one could never really know what to expect. The bokoblin made an incredible amount of noise whenever it felt things were too quiet, and the various strange sounds that frequently came from Kirby and Meta Knight's room were never given a second thought by the residents of the house. But the thing that Mario found truly strange was that everyone seemed to like him, which he had only ever come close to experiencing at the Smash Bros.

Mrs. Faron treated him just as well as any of her own children. Mr. Faron had developed a habit of sitting next to Mario at mealtimes and giving him interviews about various aspects of life with Muggles. No matter what it was, he would always express amazement at it, whether it be using a phone or running a vacuum.

It was about a week after his arrival that Mario heard from the Smash Mansion. Mario and Link had gone down to breakfast to find Mr. and Mrs. Faron, as well as Peach, already sitting there. Upon seeing him, Peach accidentally knocked her plate to the floor. Peach accidentally knocking things over when Mario entered a room was also a frequent occurrence at Ordon Cottage. Pretending to not notice it, as usual, Mario sat down and accepted the breakfast offered to him by Mrs. Faron.

"Letters from school came," Mr. Faron said, handing a couple of envelopes to Mario and Link. "Looks like the Master Hand already knows you're here. Can't pull the wool over his eyes. Well, he doesn't have eyes to pull wool over anyways..."

As he sat there, trying to figure this one out, Kirby and Meta Knight entered. Looking up, Mr. Faron added, "Oh, you two got letters also," as he passed them over.

There was silence as they read the letters. The letters told them to catch the Great Fox from Platform Q at Seatac airport. Nothing new. There was also a list of the new books they'd need:

_All Second-Years should have a copy of:_

_Super Smash Bros. Melee: Part one by Anolis Anomore_

_Adventures in the Waffle Kingdom by Tingle Limpah_

_Legend of the Seven Stars by Tingle Limpah_

_The War against Giygas by Tingle Limpah_

_The Nowhere Islands by Tingle Limpah_

_Raiders of the Lost Wand by Tingle Limpah_

_Dawn of the Dragon by Tingle Limpah_

_Partners in Time by Tingle Limpah_

_The Rosy Rupeeland by Tingle Limpah_

As he finished reading through this list, Mario looked up to see Kirby glancing at it as

well. "Wow, you have to get all of Tingle's books, too!" he said. "The new Protection from the Evils teacher must be a fan, I wonder who _she _is?"

He smiled, but quickly made himself busy buttering his toast when he saw the look on his mother's face.

"This won't be cheap," Meta Knight pointed out. "Tingle's books are pretty spendy..."

"We'll get through," Mrs. Faron said, sounding more confident than she looked. "We'll have to pick up a lot of Peach's things used, but..."

"Oh, you're starting at the Smash Bros. this year?" Mario asked, turning to Peach.

Peach nodded, turning red, and accidentally knocked her plate over again. Fortunately, only Mario saw this, because R.O.B. entered at that moment. He was wearing his prefect badge. "Good morning," he said. "Great day, isn't it?"

He turned to sit down, but quickly jumped up, pulling some sort of lump of feathers from his seat. Mario wondered what it was. He would have guessed it was a feather duster, but it was breathing.

"Bootler!" Link exclaimed, jumping up, taking the albatross from R.O.B. and taking a letter from its beak. "It's about time! I wrote to Zelda, to let her know we were going to try and rescue you." He carried Bootler to a nearby perch and stood him on it, but he simply flopped off. Link turned, shaking his head, and opened the letter:

"'_Dear Link, and Mario, if you're there too,_

"' _I hope everything went alright. I also hope you didn't do anything against the rules to get Mario out, Link, because then Mario would get in trouble-' _Glad she cares so much about me, _'I've been worried about him, and if he's alright, let me know, but it would probably be better for you to use another albatross. We had to take care of him for three days before we could send him back to you. _

"' _I'm busy with schoolwork, of course-' How _is that even possible?" Link said exasperatedly, "Anyways, _'so we're going to Twisted Lane next Friday to get my new books. Maybe we can meet up there. If you can, let me know. _

_Zelda.'"_

"Well, that fits," Mrs. Faron said. "That would be a fine day to go to Twisted Lane. What are you all planning today?"

A little later, Mario, Link, Kirby, and Meta headed out to a clearing in the Farons' vast garden. There was a wild forest around them, but the clearing was large enough to practice a bit of Smash-Up. They couldn't use actual balls, which were erratic, and, in the case of the chain chomps, dangerous if they got loose. Instead, they tossed some other balls that they had around. They took turns on Mario's Flame Runner, the best kart around.

They had earlier asked R.O.B. if he wanted to join them, but he had said he was busy, and to ask him again when Kingdom Hearts 4 came out. True to what his brothers had said, R.O.B. had been shut up in his room for most of Mario's visit, only coming out at meals, as far as Mario could remember.

"If I didn't know better, I'd say he was up to something," Kirby said, a thoughtful look on his face. "He's been acting weird... His test results came in the mail, he passed everything with flying colors, and barely gloated at all."

"Linebeck passed all his tests too," Meta Knight muttered. "We're dangerously close to having another head boy. It was bad enough when Linebeck was wearing that badge."

Linebeck was the oldest Faron child. He and his sister, Midna, had already graduated from the Smash Bros. Mario had never met either, but he knew that Midna worked with bosses, while Linebeck was a treasure collector for the smasher banks.

"Really, I don't know how Mom and Dad will afford everything this year," Meta said. "Five sets of Tingle's books, and Peach has to get all her standard equipment..."

Mario remained silent here. He had a small fortune stored in the Third National Bank of Smashers that rivaled the riches of El Dorado, left to him by his parents. Even in the muggle world, he'd be rich, if he got some of the money appraised, but the Smiths wouldn't allow that, of course. He'd never mentioned this to the Smiths. Somehow, he didn't think their fear of anything non-muggle would stretch to a large pile of rupees- perfectly symmetrical gems- and multi-colored coins made of precious metal.

XXXX

They all woke early the next morning for the trip to Twisted Lane. After a quick yet insanely large breakfast, they put on their coats as Mrs. Faron took a bag of something out of a nearby cupboard.

"We're running out of these, too," she said quietly. "Another item for the list, then..." Brightening, she turned to Mario, offering the bag. "Guests first! After you."

Looking into the bag, Mario saw a small pile of small, blue cubes. Looking back up, he saw the Farons looking at him expectantly. "What am I supposed to do?" he asked.

"Oh, he's never traveled by warp pipe before!" Link said, smacking himself on the forehead. "Sorry, buddy. Forgot."

"What do you mean?" Mr. Faron asked. "How can you not have traveled by warp pipe before? I mean, you had to have gone to Twisted Lane last year..."

"Crazy took me there through the city."

"Really?" Mr. Faron said, his interest piqued. "Did you take a bus? How do those work for-" he quickly silenced himself at a look from his wife.

"Not the time, Rusl," she said. Turning back to Mario, she said, "Warp pipes are much faster, almost instantaneous, but the first time can be a bit of a trick..."

"Ah, don't worry, he's Mario freaking Mario, he's the _man!" _Kirby said cheerfully. "Mario, watch and learn!" He picked a cube out of the bag and tossed it on the ground, where it seemed to be swallowed by the linoleum floor. A brief second later, a gigantic, orange metal pipe seemed to grow out of the ground. Kirby cheerfully leapt in, shouting, "Twisted Lane!" A second after he jumped in, the pipe sank back into the ground, leaving no sign that it had been there. Kirby had disappeared as well.

"You just have to speak very, _very _clearly," Mrs. Faron assured him as Meta Knight picked out a cube of his own. "And make sure you get out at the right point."

"Right point?" Mario asked, doing his best to disguise his nervousness as he watched a metal pipe come up to swallow Meta Knight as well.

"There are only certain points that warp pipes can appear. There are a lot of them, of course, all over the country, but as long as you speak clearly-"

"He'll be fine, don't worry," Mr. Faron said reassuringly as he picked out a cube of his own.

"But if he gets lost, how will we explain it to the Smiths?"

"Don't worry about that," Mario said. "If I got lost in the plumbing somewhere, the Smiths would think it was the best thing that ever happened to them."

"Okay..." Mrs. Faron said, not looking altogether reassured, but offering him the bag as Mr. Faron disappeared into his pipe. "So, when you get in the pipe, say where you're going."

"You'll also want to keep your arms tucked in," Link advised. "It's a little cramped. Oh, and don't accidentally pop up in the wrong place!"

Slightly reluctantly, Mario picked out a cube and dropped it on the ground. Just like the others, the ground absorbed the cube and produced a large, orange, metal pipe for him to jump into. As he jumped onto the edges, ready to say his destination, he looked down into it, and his heart jumped: there was just darkness on the inside of the pipe, despite the well-lit room. He gave a small gasp as he spoke, and it came out, "T-tw- twisted Lane." With that, his gloved hand slipped on the edge and he fell in headfirst.

It definitely felt like going through plumbing. He was spinning around and around as some invisible force pulled him onwards through darkness. Some unidentifiable noise came from an equally unidentifiable source. Something slammed into his arm and he pulled it in as tight as he could. It didn't matter whether his eyes were open or closed, it was the same darkness either way, and the spinning was making his breakfast cry for instant exit. He closed his eyes as tight as he could, and then-

He heard the sound of a pipe materializing around him, and felt himself shoot out of it backwards. He flopped onto the ground, winded, and saw another orange-colored pipe withdrawing into the ground.

He attempted to stand, but the room seemed to be heaving like the deck of a ship, so he decided to stay grounded until his dizziness wore off, and try to figure out where he was in the meantime.

He seemed to be alone, but he didn't recognize the place at all. It looked like a shop, but no shop he'd seen in Twisted Lane in his previous year, and nothing in it looked like it was meant for a student of the Smash Bros.

Nearby, there was a strange, twisted candle in the shape of some sort of monster, resembling a humanoid dragon with a squid-like head, rubbery with a beard of tentacles. Several strange masks hung around the walls, including one heart-shaped mask with horns like the devil, with spikes running down the sides, with blood-red eyes that seemed to follow his every move. A piano against one wall was moving slightly, and Mario thought he could hear the sound of deep breathing coming from it. A pillar in the shop's center held the image of a monstrous, four-eyed raven that glared down at the rest of the horrific items scattered around the shop.

Well, there was no point in hanging around there. Mario still ached a bit from his contact with the ground, and the dizziness still hadn't entirely left him, but he struggled to his feet anyways. Looking out of the window, he felt his heart sink: that wasn't Twisted Lane. He obviously hadn't spoken clearly enough when he'd entered the pipe.

Suddenly, a voice spoke out from one side of the shop. "You've met with a terrible fate, haven't you?"

Mario started, and turned to see a strange person standing there: he had red, well-kept hair, and a purple coat over a purple suit. His eyes were narrowed so much that they might be closed altogether, and a wide smile seemed stuck to his face. He gave a small laugh at Mario's moment of panic.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to-" Mario started.

"Oh, no need to explain," the man said. "You're not from around here, are you?"

"No, I'm-"

Suddenly, the man glanced up at the window, and looked back at Mario. "I would appreciate you ducking into that cabinet for a moment, my boy," he said, motioning with his head towards a nearby cabinet. Mario glanced at the window as well to see two others coming in- and one of them was the last person that Mario wanted to see while he was hurt and lost: Bowser Dragmire. Momentarily abandoning common sense, he did as the strange man bid him, and ducked inside the cabinet, leaving a small crack to look through. The man checked to make sure he was inside, and headed behind the counter.

The man behind Bowser had to be Bowser's father, Ghirahim. He was dressed in white, with diamond-shaped holes around his clothing, with a red cape or cloak of some kind. He wore a yellowish belt with a large diamond-shaped ruby set in it. He briefly turned to his son, muttering, "Don't touch anything," before turning to the smiling man behind the counter.

"I thought we were getting a present," Bowser muttered, taking a look around the room, grimacing at the heart-shaped mask.

"I'll get you a kart once we get back to Twisted Lane," Ghirahim said, momentarily turning away from the shopkeeper, who leaned back, waiting patiently.

"What good is that?" Bowser growled. "I'm not on the team. Mario got himself on the team last year- with a _Flame Runner. _He got special permission from the Master Hand. He's probably the worst seeker I've ever seen, and I've seen some pretty bad seekers." Maybe it was Mario's imagination, but he thought the shopkeeper flashed an amused grin in the direction of the cabinet. "It was just because he's famous for having a cut on his forehead..."

"So you've said," Ghirahim said. "I have no love for the child either, but it isn't wise to appear less than fond of Mario Mario when so many smashers today consider him among the greatest of heroes... Now, to business," he said, finally turning to the shopkeeper.

"Ah, Mr. Dragmire," the shopkeeper said cheerfully. "Wonderful to see you. And even young Bowser Dragmire is gracing me with his presence! I've been having so many wonderful visitors today. How can I help you? I have many fine items just in, at very reasonable prices, of course!"

"I'm selling today, Salesman," Ghirahim said.

"So it's selling for you," the Salesman said. "I see. Is there any reason in particular you wish to part with these items?"

"Well, the Government is having more and more raids, and losing all their respect for privacy, you see," Ghirahim said. Near his hands, there seemed to be a small explosion of diamonds, from the center of which appeared a list, which he seized. "I have a few items that might embarrass me if they were to investigate."

The Salesman took the list and looked down at it. As he read, he spoke. "But surely, the Government wouldn't dare trouble the noble house of Dragmire?"

"I've been left alone so far," Ghirahim said. "My name does still command a great deal of respect, but, as I said, the Government is losing all respect for privacy. I hear they will soon be introducing a new law to protect the muggles, probably devised by that _fool, _Rusl Faron-" suddenly, his face twisted in fury- "and it makes me feel _furious! Outraged! Sick with anger!" _Abruptly, he calmed himself again. "And, as you can see, some of these items may make it seem that-"

"Ah, an original copy of the _Necronomicon?" _the Salesman exclaimed. "My, you _have _been busy!"

"What about this?" Bowser growled, picking up a golden ring.

"Ah, the dark ring!" the Salesman said, glancing over. "Just slip that on your finger, my fine turtle, and you become invisible to all eyes! The ultimate tool of thieves!"

"I dearly hope that the next link in the house of Dragmire will live to be more than a simple _thief, _Salesman," Ghirahim grimaced at him.

"Oh, no offence intended, of course," the Salesman said, still never losing his grin. "I would never intentionally imply-"

"Though," Ghirahim interrupted, his grimace deepening, "if he continues performing as he did last year, he may be lucky to achieve even that."

"Don't say that like it's my fault!" Bowser protested. "The teachers all have favorites-"

"The fact still remains that a _muggle-born _girl- that _Zelda Hyrule- _beat you in every test- even Wolf O'Donnell's!"

"Owned!" Mario said cheerfully, but quietly, as he looked at Bowser's angry expression.

"It seems that at the Smash Bros., just as everywhere else, blood is counting for less and less," the Salesman reflected.

"Not with me!" Ghirahim growled, turning on him.

"Well, unfortunately, if I were to buy or sell only from pure smashers, I'd be out of business very quickly, though I am always happy to have the chance to do business with pure bloods," the Salesman said, bowing deeply.

"If that is the case, then maybe we can return to the matter at hand!" Ghirahim said. "I'm in a hurry, I have elsewhere to be."

As Ghirahim and the Salesman started to do business, Mario watched nervously as Bowser began skimming over the various dark objects around the shop, drawing closer to his cabinet. Nearby was a golden trident with strange engravings around the handle, and Bowser stopped to grin at a wicked-looking black-and-red jewel in a glass case with a sign next to it saying, _Warning, do not touch, or you will most assuredly meet with a terrible fate!_

Eventually, Bowser turned towards the cabinet. He walked forward, reaching out a claw, and had it around the handle-

"Well, that's that," Ghirahim said. "Time to go, Bowser."

Mario removed his hat and wiped his brow as Bowser turned and followed Ghirahim from the shop. As they left, Ghirahim turned back to the Salesman. "I expect you at Dragmire Mansion tomorrow to pick up the goods."

As they left, the Salesman turned back towards the cabinet. "I believe you can come out now," he said, grinning, as ever.

As Mario slipped out, he muttered, "Thank you."

"Ah, no trouble, my boy, no trouble at all. Though the Dragmires are frequent customers of mine, I can't say they are my favorites. I do have the finest collection out here, I like to think. I'd imagine you want to find your way to Twisted Lane?"

"Yes..."

"Well, you're not too far off. You're just within walking distance. Just a quick jog down the lane."

"Thanks- who _are _you?"

"They used to call me the Happy Mask Salesman, before I branched out. Now I'm just the Happy Salesman. I really should change the name of my store, but I'm just so attached. Anyways, you should probably get going now. You don't want to wait too long around here. Good luck!" With that, the Salesman turned towards a door leading to a back room, and left.

Turning nervously around, Mario exited the shop.

Outside was a lane unlike any place he'd been to before. It was much darker than Twisted Lane, and seemed to be devoted entirely to Dark Smashing. The shop he'd just left bore the name _Happy Mask Shop. _The lane seemed to be Twisted Lane's evil counterpart. Where Twisted Lane had an ice cream shop, this place had a shop framed in shadow that seemed to sell potions, but Mario wasn't about to go in to find out. Where Twisted Lane had a pet store featuring albatrosses, cats, and saturns, this place had a store featuring spiders and bats that seemed to glare malevolently as he passed by. Mario nervously set out, hoping that the Salesman hadn't been lying when he'd said that he was near Twisted Lane.

There was a sign over one shop proudly announcing that the place he was in was called Lavender Lane, but this was absolutely no help: Mario had never heard of a place like that before. For a moment, he stood silently, wondering what to do.

"Are you lost, my boy?" said a voice behind him. Its words sounded like the Salesman, but the voice was different. Mario turned and felt his blood turn cold. There was a tall, thin man in front of him, seven feet easy, with equally thin arms that almost reached the ground. He was dressed in a fine suit, and _had no face. _He leaned towards Mario, who backed away quickly.

"No, I'm fine, I just-"

"Come with me, and I'll help you find your way back."

"No, I can get back just fine," Mario said, nervously backing away as the slender man advanced on him.

"It's all right, you can trust-"

"MARIOS! Whatchu do down here?"

Mario's heart leapt. _There _was a voice he knew. He looked behind the slender man, who had also spun around to see a gigantic left hand inside a glove rushing towards them. "Move it, chus," Crazy said, knocking the man aside into a barrel of lord-alone-knows what. "Get back to da jell-o mosquitos, or what it be."

"Crazy!" Mario said, relief flooding him. "I got lost- it was a warp pipe-"

Crazy jumped behind him and began pushing him forwards. As he did, Mario noticed the road becoming lighter, until an insanely large palace-like building came into view: the 3rd national bank of smashers. They had arrived in Twisted Lane.

"Yous all kind of messed up!" Crazy said, jumping beside him and starting to beat the dust and dirt off of him- quite a deal, considering his current form. "Whatchu be doing sneakin' 'round Lavender Lane? Bad place, Marios. Very, very much not good. You not want to get seen down tere. Dat suit guy keep asking me for twenty dollahs."

"Yeah, I wasn't trying to get noticed," Mario said, trying to dodge Crazy's next attempt to brush him off. "Like I said, I got lost in a warp pipe. What were _you _doing down there?"

"I be looking for octorok repellent. Dey keep getting in school crops. Dey not exactly make good dinner. You not on yous own, is you?"

"I'm staying with the Farons, but we got separated," Mario explained. "I'll have to find them now."

"Why you no write back to mes?" Crazy asked as they set off down the street. Mario quickly explained about his summer, from the instant lock-down he'd been placed under to Yoshi.

"Always trust Smithies to mess up," Crazy muttered- he wasn't exactly fond of Mario's relatives. "I wish I knew."

"Mario! Mario!"

Mario looked up to see Zelda Hyrule standing in front of the bank. She ran down to meet them.

"Hi, Crazy!" she said cheerfully to the giant hand. "It's great to see you two again! Were you coming into the bank, Mario?"

"Yeah, after I find the Farons."

"You not wait long!" Crazy said, sounding much more cheerful as he looked behind them.

Mario and Zelda turned to see Link, Kirby, Meta Knight, R.O.B., and Mr. Faron sprinting towards them. "Mario!" Mr. Faron said, smiling. "We were hoping you hadn't gone too far. Uli was panicking. She's on her way now."

"Where did you come out?" Link asked curiously.

"Lavender Lane," Crazy muttered.

"_Awesome!" _Kirby and Meta Knight said in unison.

"We've never been allowed there," Link said, looking envious.

"Mez dang well hope not!" Crazy said.

Here, Mrs. Faron appeared, a look of relief spreading across her face, Peach sprinting after her. "Mario!" she said. "Thank God... You could have been anywhere!"

After a brief explanation, she turned to Crazy. "Thank you, Crazy! Lavender Lane, I don't want to think what would have happened if you hadn't found him!"

"No troubles!" Crazy said brightly. "Iz gotsta get moven! See youz at teh Smash Bros.!" With that, he shot off down Twisted Lane.

"Guess who I saw at the Happy Mask Shop?" Mario muttered to Link and Zelda as they headed up to the bank. "Bowser and his Dad."

"Did Ghirahim buy anything?" Mr. Faron asked, overhearing.

"No, selling."

"So he's worried. That means he _is _hiding something," Mr. Faron said, sounding triumphant. "I'd love to catch him out for it..."

"Be careful, Rusl," Mrs. Faron said warningly as a goomba opened the doors to allow them in. "Don't go down any roads you might regret..."

"You don't think I can handle Ghirahim Dragmire?" Mr. Faron asked, looking indignant, but immediately finding a distraction in the form of Zelda's parents, who were looking around the entrance of the bank, looking impressed. "Muggles!" he said, looking excited as a child. "We have to get a drink sometime. What's that? Oh, you're exchanging money! Look, Uli!" Mario had to strain himself not to laugh at Mr. Faron's enthusiasm.

"See you later," Link said to Zelda as the Farons and Hyrules went their separate ways, Zelda and her parents still exchanging money, Mario and the Farons being led by another goomba down to the bank's vaults.

The vaults of the bank were hidden past a large maze that Mario couldn't imagine navigating through without the goomba-driven carts that followed tracks that wound down beneath the earth. After the maze was successfully navigated, there was a long series of tunnels and caverns beneath the earth where smashers stored their valuables. Mario enjoyed the ride down to the Faron's vault, but felt terrible when it was opened. There was a small pile of red and blue coins, a single rupee, and absolutely no gold coins. Mrs. Faron tentatively made sure there was no more in the vault before taking it all out. Mario felt embarrassed when they got to his vault, where lay enough money to buy half the country, and tried to hide it as he took out some money to get new supplies.

Back outside, the went their separate ways. R.O.B. said something about needing a gyro and headed off to a nearby restaurant. Kirby and Meta met up with Teddy Ellay, a good friend of theirs, and headed off. Mrs. Faron and Peach were heading to get her some basic supplies, and Mr. Faron, true to his word, took the Hyrules for a drink at Telma's bar.

"Let's all meet at Hoarders in an hour to get our books together," Mrs. Faron said, checking her watch. "And stay away from Lavender Lane!" she added, calling after Kirby and Meta Knight.

Mario, Link, and Zelda went off down the very aptly-named street. It was a very hot day, so they stepped briefly into one shop and came out with two large containers of Mountain Dew and a bottle of mineral water. Three guesses as to who got what. There was definitely no shortage of things to look at along the Lane. It took a full minute for Zelda to pull Link away from a Runaway Seven display in a store dedicated to Smash-Up, the most popular sport in the smashers' world. In a nearby joke shop, they ran into Kirby, Meta Knight, and Teddy picking up some patented Andonuts-brand bottle rockets, the finest fireworks anywhere. Nearby here was a store that time seemed to have given up on, where they found R.O.B. observing an old, dust-covered book entitled _A Study of the Philosophy of Government._

"That's got to be awesome," Link said. "That's probably exciting enough to make The Hunger Games seem like Professor Andonuts's lectures."

"Go away," R.O.B. said in his deadpan voice.

"Well, maybe to _him,_" Link conceded as they headed out. "He's got it all planned out. His whole rise to become President of Smashing."

XXXX

And so it came to be that, an hour later, they were heading back up the street to Hoarders Book Store. However, as they approached, they were slightly off-put by the large crowd there. Looking up, they saw a banner stretched over the top of the entrance, proudly proclaiming:

**TINGLE LIMPAH**

**BOOK SIGNING**

**FROM NOON 'TIL 7:00 TONIGHT,**

**TINGLE LIMPAH WILL BE PERSONALLY SIGNING COPIES OF HIS NEWEST BOOK, ADVENTURE OF THE MINISH CAP.**

"We'll actually get to _meet _Tingle!" Zelda said, suddenly sounding like a fangirl, and both Mario and Link stared at her. Clearing her throat and quickly calming herself, she said, "I mean, there's only _1 _book on the list he didn't write, he has to be good, right?"

"Either that, or none of the teachers really felt like assigning books this year," Link muttered.

Eventually, the three were able to force their way into the shop. They each grabbed a copy of _Super Smash Bros. Melee, Part 1, _and, after searching a bit, were able to find the Farons together with the Hyrules.

"Good, there you are," Mrs. Faron said, seeing them. She seemed strangely breathless. "It's almost noon, he'll be coming out soon..."

And there he was: Tingle Limpah came into view and took a seat at a table where he was surrounded by pictures of himself. He was wearing all green clothes, and wore a watch on a chain around his neck.

There was a blond man in a suit and top hat carrying a camera, darting around the shop and taking several pictures. "Move it," he muttered as he pushed Link out of the way. "This is for the Fourside Tribune."

"Big, fat, Farore-loving deal," Link muttered, pulling his foot out from under the photographer's tripod.

Tingle heard this, looked up, and his eyes slid across Link to land on Mario. For a moment, he was silent, looking taken aback. Then, he said, "Oh, it can't be Mario Mario!"

The crowd quickly parted for him, looking excited, and Tingle bounded through them, grabbed Mario by the arm, and pulled him up to the front. The crowd burst into cheers and clapping. Mario's face turned almost as red as his clothes as Tingle shook his hand and pulled him into various poses for the photographer, who was snapping away.

"Give us a nice big smile!" Tingle said, throwing out a peace sign. "Together, we'll make the front page!"

Mario was immensely relieved when Tingle finally released him, and attempted to return to the Farons, but Tingle wasn't done yet: he traded holding Mario's arm for giving him a one-armed hug. "Ladies and gentlemen!" Tingle said brightly to his audience. "This is a very extraordinary moment!* I can think of no better time to make a little announcement! I've been holding it back a while, but I simply can't hold it back any longer! When young Mario Mario came into this store today to buy my newest book, _Adventure of the Minish Cap, _which I will, of course, be presenting to him now, along with the rest of my works, entirely free, he and his young fairy friend there," he gestured towards Link, "had no idea that they and their _classmates _would, soon enough, be getting the genuine article! That's right, people, it's time for me to announce that this September, I will be taking up the post of Protection from the Evils teacher at the Super Smash Bros. School of Smashing!"

The crowd burst into frantic applause, and Mario found himself being crushed under the weight of the entire collected works of Tingle Limpah. Tingle finally let go of him, and muttered quietly in Mario's ear, "Tell the fairy boy I said hi!" with a wide grin on his face, and Mario, relieved, finally darted back to the Farons, where he quickly handed the books to Peach.

"Take these, I'll get my own," he said.

"Bet you loved that, didn't you, homy?" said a voice Mario would recognize anywhere. Turning around, sure enough, he found himself face-to-face with a giant anthropomorphic turtle with spikes on his shell, horns, and spiked bands around his wrists and ankles. "Famous Mario Mario," he snorted derisively. "Some of us _can _go into the bookstore without making the front page, but I guess you wouldn't know about that."

"Leave him alone, he didn't ask for that, that moron forced it on him!" Peach said, abruptly standing up to him. It occurred to Mario that this was almost the first time he'd heard her speak. She was currently glaring up at the gigantic turtle.

"Well, look at this, I think the pipsqueak _likes _you, Mario!" Bowser said, grinning up at him, as Link and Zelda, having just bought their own books, fought their way over.

"Thought I smelled a rat," Link muttered when he saw Bowser. "Surprised to meet up with Mario here?"

"Yeah, today's just been full of surprises. I run into Mario in a book store, then I run into _you _in Twisted Lane! How long will you be going hungry to pay for all that?" Bowser chortled, glancing at the Farons' goods.

Link started to turn red. He put his books aside and began advancing on Bowser, reaching up for his sword, but Mario and Zelda grabbed him from behind.

"Link!" Mr. Faron said, appearing with Kirby and Meta Knight by his side. "If you have your books, we're heading out. It's too crowded in here."

"Ah, fancy meeting you here, Rusl Faron," said a new voice.

Turning, they saw Ghirahim Dragmire. He had appeared at Bowser's side, and was looking at them with a quiet smirk on his face.

"Ghirahim," Rusl said, a look of distaste spreading across his face.

"I hear you've been busy at the government," Ghirahim said, sounding slightly amused. "I hope you're getting paid overtime for all that hard work you put in, but-" here, he reached into Peach's bag and removed her worn secondhand copy of _Super Smash Bros. 64 Instruction Book _by Anolis Anomore, "-the evidence doesn't seem to bear that out. That's terrible, not only are you a disgrace to smashers everywhere, you don't even get paid well for it!"

Rusl Faron flushed, and, for the first time, looked almost as angry as Mrs. Faron could get. "We have a very different idea about what disgraces the name of smashers, Dragmire." He spat out the last word contemptuously.

"So I noticed," Ghirahim said, his eyes straying over the Hyrules, talking to Zelda off to the side. "And here I thought that the lowly house of Faron couldn't humiliate themselves any further..."

It was here that Rusl calmed himself, counting gently to ten, complete with deep breaths, and quietly took his children and Mario from the residence. Or, at least, that's what he would have done if this was a self-help book in a social studies class. As it was, what he _actually _did was to tackle Ghirahim head-on, knocking him into a shelf behind him. The two got into a small wrestling match as dozens of books collapsed on top of them, and noise surrounded them, from Kirby and Meta Knight cheering their father on, Mrs. Faron trying to call her husband off, to little effect, one of the shopkeepers desperately tried to break them up, to no avail, and then-

"What go on here? What be happenin?"

The Crazy Hand had arrived on scene. Upon seeing the fight, he said, "Ah, mesies no like violence. Breaks it up, please!" The two ignored him. "Me say, break it up!" he said, darting forward and pulling them apart. Mr. Faron was a little bruised, and had a lump swelling on his head, while one of Ghirahim's eyes was bruised from a stray book slamming into it. Books never hurt anyone, indeed. He reached down, pulling Peach's book from among the fray, and thrust it at her.

"Take this book, girl. It's the best your father can give you, and I hate to see people suffer!" He spat out these last words and swept away, Bowser following.

"Iz not say I no support yous," Crazy said, turning to Mr. Faron and attempting to help him straighten himself, "but you probably not should've taken his bait. All know dat da Dragmires rotten family. Iz just come in here to see what da fuss be about, n' there be a full-out _brawl _goin' on. Wells, me has to go. Sees you!"

Mario quickly got his own books, and the Farons headed out of the shop and headed down the road to get some warp pipe cubes to return home. The Hyrules said a quick farewell, and Mrs. Faron turned furiously to her husband.

"Great example for the kids, Rusl, great example!" she said. "I can't even _imagine _what Tingle thought of that!"

"Oh, he was awed!" Kirby said. "He thought it was the greatest thing that happened all day, even with Mario appearing! He was asking that photo guy if he'd be able to get it into the Fourside Tribune! Something about there being no such thing as bad publicity."

Nevertheless, it was with a subdued air that the group arrived at Telma's bar, which had a convenient warp point for shoppers to appear at. Mario quietly reached into the bag and pulled out his cube. He wasn't sure he'd ever get used to warp pipe travel.

_XXXX_

*I know. I'm actually _updating? _Unheard of!

Well, there's no way I can say I'm sorry enough, I guess. I don't know exactly how long it's been since I updated, since I'm too scared to look at the calendar, but it must have been a while. I'm really sorry for that. I'd give you the reasons, if I thought you actually cared about those. Hopefully, this extra-long (or at least it felt like it, though maybe that was just the wait) chapter is good enough to make up for it. See how many references you can catch, the usual stuff, etc., etc.

Oh, and I have a happy announcement: the Writing Gamer's Association has finally gained another member! And it's not another cat! It's my good friend, GandoraDarkness! Here's a guy who's a great friend to me, online and off, who gives me great inspiration to write, and always manages to get me back around to doing so. This chapter's for you, buddy! Please R&R, constructive criticism welcome, flames not (unless they're for my terrible update schedule, then you'd be completely justified,) Gamer4 out!


	5. The Secret Evil of Flowers

Gamer4 in. Nothing to say this time. Yeah, you never saw that coming.

Disclaimer: Yeah, between the last chapter and this one, I bought the rights to Super Smash Bros. and Harry Potter. And while I was at it, I got the Loch Ness Monster a home in my backyard pond. Yeah, there's been some wild rides over here.

Chapter V

The Secret Evil of Flowers

Despite Mario's love of the Smash Mansion, he had to admit that he wasn't looking forward to the end of Summer as much this year as he had the previous year. He still wanted to go back, of course, but he had been having a great time at Ordon Cottage as well, definitely a greater time than he'd ever had at the Smiths'. It was all he could do to not feel jealous of Link when he remembered how he'd likely be welcomed back at Peach Creek.

Mrs. Faron seemed determined to make the best of the remaining time. As the last day drew to a close, she produced a borderline feast that included several of Mario's favorites. Kirby and Meta, feeling that this wasn't grand enough already, lit up several of their bottle rockets, which exploded into fantastic colors that bounced around inside and circled the outside of the cottage, refusing to die until a while after they'd been lit. As the last firework died, even the twins conceded defeat, and headed up to bed.

The next morning was frantic. Though they got up very early, and went to great lengths to prepare themselves the previous night, it seemed like everything had been left until the last minute anyways. Mrs. Faron was running around, looking for spare clothes for them, people kept running into each other on the stairs, struggling to eat their breakfast while running around making their last-minute preparations, every time someone tried to use the bathroom before the trip to Seatac airport, it was always full, and Mr. Faron almost tripped over a wandering foppy.

Later on, they were still running around, and still nothing was loaded into their car. Mr. Faron, looking nervous, glanced at a clock on the wall, and turned to Mrs. Faron. "Uli-"

Apparently already aware of what he would ask, Mrs. Faron immediately replied, "No, Rusl."

"If we were to take the Sky Runner... it would be much faster, and there's a switch to make it invisible, I knew that, if we really had to use it, it would have to go unnoticed-"

"_No, _Rusl, it's too risky."

However, as the morning wore on, and they still hadn't packed much, Mrs. Faron eventually gave in and began packing things into the Sky Runner. As they continued loading things in, Mr. Faron started it up. Mario turned as the doors were closed, wondering when he'd be able to see them again... and no sooner had he wondered this than the doors swung open for Kirby and Meta, who had forgotten their fireworks, and, in Kirby's case, his kart. The Sky Runner was taking off when Mr. Faron brought it down again, this time for Peach, who'd forgotten her diary back at the house. By the time she got back, tensions were running high, even with the help of the Sky Runner. Mr. Faron quickly hit a switch, and the entire thing turned clear as air. Mario couldn't even see himself. With that, Mr. Faron began piloting it through the sky, towards Seatac Airport.

They reached the airport with a quarter of an hour 'til the Great Fox left. Just as the previous year, they all rushed down to an advertisement for a water park on one random wall of the airport, wherein the water moved if anyone touched it. To get to Platform Q, where the Great Fox loaded, you had to run through this advertisement. Fairly simple, but it still had to be done carefully: there would be a lot of awkward questions among the muggles if, every September 1st, a crowd of adults and school-age children were disappearing through a water park advertisement.

"R.O.B., you first!" Mrs. Faron said, starting to sound desperate as she glanced at the clock overhead. R.O.B. quickly ran through, and was followed by Mr. Faron, Kirby, and Meta Knight.

"You two come in after us," Mrs. Faron said to Mario and Link as she grabbed Peach's hand and led her through.

"We'll have to run, we're running out of time," Link noted, glancing at the clock. The two hoisted their luggage, including a couple of large suitcases, backpacks, and cages: one for Link's cucoo, Oreo, and one for Mario's albatross, Parrakarry. Looking at the advertisement, they began running towards it, and then-

_WHAM!_

The two slammed into the wall, and fell backwards. Mario thought he heard someone screaming, but was distracted by the fact that, once again, he was on the ground, and aching. He noticed, vaguely, that Parrakarry's cage had hit the ground and was currently rolling around next to his suitcase, with Parrakarry himself giving an indignant squawk.

"What are you doing?" a passing person asked, turning to look at them.

"We were-"

"You just ran into a wall! What were you _thinking?_"

"We, um..."

"Oh, never mind," the man said, turning away and shaking his head.

Mario turned to Link. "What just happened?" he asked.

"Your guess is as good as mine!" Link said, looking around at the airport. "It won't let us in, obviously, but I don't see why it shouldn't..."

Mario gaped up as the clock silently changed to 11:00. "It left," he said, stunned. "The Great Fox just left, and _we weren't on it!_"

Turning to Mario, Link asked, "What if Mom and Dad can't get back through to our end? Do you have any money?"

"Not muggle money," Mario said. "We could probably use some smasher money to trade for muggle money, but I'm not sure that that's the best idea right now..."

Link desperately put his ear against the advertisement. "I can't hear anything," he said, standing back. "This thing isn't connected to Platform Q anymore. I have no clue how Mom and Dad _could _get back to us!"

"Maybe we should just wait by the Sky Runner," Mario suggested, looking around. "We're attracting a lot of attention, and that's the last-"

"Mario, that's it!" Link suddenly said, looking up. "The Sky Runner!"

"What about the Sky Runner?"

"We can use it to get to the Smash Mansion!"

"But what about-"

"We're stuck, right? We have to get to the Smash Mansion, right? _And _we don't know how long it could take Mom and Dad to get back. Even underage smashers can use smashing if they really need to, it's one of our laws, I just can't remember which off the top of my head, but, you know-"

"What about your parents?" Mario pointed out. "They'll need the Sky Runner, too!"

"No, they don't need it," Link said, looking slightly impatient. "They can teleport. They only use warp pipes and the Sky Runner because R.O.B., Kirby, Meta, and I are underage, we're not allowed to yet."

A smile slowly spread across Mario's face. "Do you know how to steer it?"

"Yeah, Kirby and Meta showed me," Link said, hoisting his luggage again. "We should still hurry, we'll probably have to follow the Great Fox."

They quickly rushed out of the airport to where they'd left the tall, blue box and headed in. Link turned to Mario. "Make sure no one's watching," he said as he approached the control panel, reaching for the switch to turn the box invisible. Mario poked his head out of the doors, and gave a thumbs up to signal that the coast was clear. Link hit the switch, and the box disappeared. Looking over at Link, Mario saw him pull some levers, and the box took off towards the sky.

Just a few seconds after they took off, there was a clanging noise. "Oh, no," Link said, looking at one of the monitors.

"What is it?" Mario asked, wondering if he really wanted to know.

"We're visible again," Link said, pounding on the switch to turn the box invisible. "It's malfunctioning..."

As Link continued to struggle with the levers, Mario looked out of the door. Looking down, he saw they were high above the ground, but still not out of the line of sight of people who might look up. Looking up he saw it was a cloudy day. "Head up, we can hide in the clouds," he said, pulling back in. Link, looking a little nervous, pulled some levers and switches, and the Sky Runner gave a jerk as it shot up higher into the sky. On the monitors, Mario could see that they were entirely encompassed by grey clouds. Suddenly, a loud noise entered the large room, and one of the monitors showed a gigantic, sci-fi-esque ship streaking by. "Can you follow that?" Mario asked.

"Of course," Link said, and, with a few more adjustments, they were shooting off after it. "It's heading north," he added, glancing at a monitor. "We can follow it on this, but maybe we should go a little higher, just to make sure..." And with that, he took the Sky Runner above the clouds.

The world above the sky was entirely different to anything they'd seen before. It was quite a sight on the monitors, a tall blue box hurtling over the top of the clouds, beneath an endless blue sky.

At first, it was a wonderful time up there: sun filtered into the vast room through the windows, and they watched as the clouds rushed by through the monitors. However, after several hours, Mario had to admit that he preferred the Great Fox. There was nothing to eat or drink on the Sky Runner. The interior had become extremely warm, and both of them were sweating profusely. In addition, the Sky Runner required frequent adjustments to stay on course, and, once the novelty of piloting a blue box through the sky wore off, on a long, continuous flight like this one, it became very tedious work.

Even later on, as the sun began to sink, Link finally said, sounding hopeful, "We must be getting close. The sun was sinking when we first got the Smash Mansion last year, remember?"

Even as he spoke, a groaning sort of noise met the boys' ears, coming from somewhere in the room. The two glanced nervously at each other. "I think... I think it's getting tired," Link said. "It wasn't designed for long trips like this..."

As they progressed, the Sky Runner began making several more noises that could mean nothing good. Mario glanced at the monitor, and saw starts beginning to appear, and tried not to notice that said monitor was flickering between the image of the outside, static, and simply showing nothing at all.

"It's not far," Link said, and Mario wasn't sure who he was trying to encourage, himself, Mario, or the Sky Runner. "There's no way it can be much farther now..."

Desperately, he took a chance and took the Sky Runner down beneath the clouds, and began scanning the monitors for a landmark.

"There!" Mario said, pointing at one of them. "It's just over there!"

Following Mario's gaze, Link saw a large mansion perched on a hill, 33 stories tall and who knew how wide. The Smash Mansion was within sight. On the other side of that coin, however, the Sky Runner was now trembling with the effort it was going through to keep up. "Almost there, almost there, almost there," Link began repeating, looking at a monitor showing the vast lake they were struggling over.

As they finished crossing the lake, Link threw a couple more levers to prepare the Sky Runner for landing. There was a great, loud noise from the Sky Runner, but it didn't last long: the lights all went out, the monitors went dark, and, after just enough time for them to throw _oh, crud _glances at each other, they began dropping out of the sky.

Mario felt himself being flung all around the inside of the Sky Runner as it tumbled towards the ground. Looking, he saw Link clinging onto the controls, desperately pulling levers and spinning dials, to no avail. A particularly violent jerk flung Link away from the controls and against the opposite wall, and Mario heard a loud cracking noise. Suddenly, the Sky Runner stopped its fall, and Mario fell, onto the wall next to Link. Glancing over, he saw, to his relief, that Link was getting up. While groaning, and clearly in a certain amount of pain, granted, but still, he'd been worried about that cracking noise.

Getting to his feet, Mario noticed a horrified look on Link's face. He had drawn his sword, and Mario saw the problem: half the blade had remained in the sheath. Grabbing his sheath, Link gave it a quick shake, and the other half slid out and clattered to the floor. "My... my sword!" he choked out. "Look at my sword!"

"Yeah, that'll be an issue," Mario said. "For now, let's just be glad it's not your neck."

Mario looked around the Sky Runner's interior. It was dark, with just a few dim lights illuminating the scene. Looking around further, he saw that the Sky Runner must have landed on its side; the door was sideways on a nearby wall. Just as he made this observation, the two of them heard a faint tapping on the door, like someone was knocking on it. Throwing a quick glance at Link, who was still looking in horror at his sword, Mario headed over to the door and opened it up, whereupon it flapped downwards. Glancing out, he saw, to his confusion, that there was no one there. Glancing down, he saw some sort of soft, plant-like thing that he was guessing must have broken their fall.

"Hey, Link, come look at this," he said. "It looks like we landed on some kind of giant flower..."

Suddenly, something shot in through the door and smacked him hard in the stomach, knocking him backwards into the Sky Runner. It looked somewhat like a scythe, and he could tell that he had been lucky enough to be backhanded by it, and thus hadn't been cut. "What the-"

he said, just as a loud clanging sound came from the ceiling- or another wall, whatever- and a dent became visible. Link snapped out of looking at his sword, and backed up with Mario. "What is it?" he asked.

"I don't know!" Mario said, just as another blow landed on a wall- or the floor- and the Sky Runner gave a jerk to the side, causing both boys to lose their footing and crash to the ground once again. The blows began to pick up, becoming stronger and more persistent. Link rushed to the open door, attempting to see what was attacking them, but another blow knocked him backwards into the control panel. Suddenly, the Sky Runner turned back on: all the lights flared up again and all the monitors were displaying the Windows logo.

Link desperately called out, "Get us out of here!" and, miraculously, the Sky Runner began to rise, righting itself, and began to move away. As the monitors finally started displaying the outside world, Mario and Link both gave shouts of fright.

The thing attacking them had a body sprouting from the flower that Mario had seen. It stretched up high, and was currently glaring down at them. Tentacles stretched out from beneath the flower itself, and the large body had several long arms growing out of it, each ending in a scythe-like appendage. The head was a twisted mish-mash of green-colored skin, with eyes placed randomly in its head, with a few petals stretching out from the center. However, the petals did nothing to make the creature itself any less terrifying. The Sky Runner gave a lurch, knocking both of them to the ground once more, and hurtled away from the monstrosity, finally landing upright on the ground far enough away that they could no longer see it.

"That was close," Link said, still white as he looked where the creature had been on the monitors. Mario gave a quick nod.

The Sky Runner, however, didn't wait for their opinions before it made its own clear. The door swung wide open, and the two of them watched in amazement as their luggage lifted into the air, as if an invisible person were carrying them, headed over to the door, and threw themselves out. Next, they both felt like something had grabbed them by the ears. The invisible person led them to the doors, then tossed them out after their luggage. They looked in amazement at the Sky Runner as the doors slammed shut once again, the light on top lit up, the phone box lifted a few feet off the ground, and it hurtled off towards the Lost Woods.

Link, very clearly bewildered, glanced at Mario. "We just got rejected by a _phone box, _didn't we? I didn't imagine that?"

"Only if I was imagining the same thing," Mario said, staring as the phone box disappeared from sight.

Link sighed. "Only at the Smash Bros. can you hit a giant flower that gets angry and _hits you back._"

Glancing around, the two of them saw the mansion ahead of them. They hoisted their luggage and headed towards it.

As they approached the main doors, Link glanced off to the side and saw a window, and veered off towards it. "It looks like they already started the feast," he said. "Oh, wait, not yet, there's no food... oh, it's the sorting!"

Mario approached the window and saw that, sure enough, there was a line of first-years coming into the hall. Several were looking nervously around, while others looked excited, their eyes raking over everything like they'd been charged with memorizing it all. His eyes fell on Peach, who very much fell into the 'scared' category. At the head of the hall, Samus, a tall woman with a blue suit that encompassed her entire body except for her head, blond hair tied in a ponytail, and a gun in a belt around her waist, was carrying a strange-looking device that resembled the lovechild of a backpack and a water pump. To anyone unfamiliar with the Smash Bros., it would seem strange, but Mario was aware of the traditions of the school. The first years would approach the bench and put on the backpack/ water pump, the F.L.U.D.D., and strap it to their backs, whereupon it would tell them which group they would be best suited to: Nintendo was commonly associated with bravery and nobility, Retro was commonly associated with wisdom and intelligence, Hal with hard work and loyalty, and Sierra with being power-hungry and cunning.

One of the excited first years, a small mouse with a lightning bolt tail and black tipped ears, rushed up to the bench to strap on the F.L.U.D.D. Along the staff table, Mario could see the Master Hand, the headmaster of the school, and who was very true to his name: he was, indeed, a gigantic right hand inside a glove. At the far left of the table was the Crazy Hand, spasmodically shifting between his hand and human forms as he consumed more and more of what looked like Mountain Dew. A few seats away from him was Tingle Limpah, wearing a suit of deep green.

"Hold up," Mario said, realizing that there was a teacher missing. "Where's Wolf?"

Wolf O'Donnell was Mario's least favorite teacher. He taught power-ups class with an iron fist, doling out frequent criticisms and harsh punishments to any student who wasn't in his own group (he was the head of Sierra.) In particular, for reasons Mario had only recently discovered and was still trying to wrap his head around, Mario also happened to be Wolf's least favorite student.

"Sick?" Link suggested. "I'm sure there wouldn't be anyone who'd miss him, anyways..."

Mario, glancing up, saw something that turned him almost as white as when he'd first seen the flower-creature. "Um, I'm sure that he just left himself," he said, trying to act as though he hadn't seen it, but warn Link at the same time. "I mean, he's always trying to get the Protection from the Evils job, but he's missed out on it again..."

"Or he's been fired!" Link said enthusiastically, blind to Mario's motions to stop quickly. "I mean, I doubt anyone outside of Sierra cares at _all _for that miserable bag of fur-" Finally seeing Mario's desperate warnings, and said, "He's standing right behind me, isn't he?"

He turned to see Wolf glaring down at him. "Or maybe," he growled, "that miserable bag of fur is waiting to hear why our favorite egotist and his pet swordsman arrived in a crashing phone booth instead of on the Great Fox."

"Man, Gamer4 likes the cliches,"* Link muttered to himself. Out loud, he said, "Oh, hi, Wolf! I was just telling Mario what a worthless fleabag you are, and that I'm glad that hitting my head in that crash doesn't seem to have had any side-" suddenly, he gave a random shout to his side, and started spazzing out, before focusing back on Wolf.

Wolf stood still for a second, staring down at them with half-closed eyes, before turning his back on them and heading back for the doors. "Follow me," he growled.

Mario and Link followed quickly, not daring to show any signs of disobedience. Wolf led them quickly across the entrance hall, and over to the stairway to the dungeons. They followed him downwards. Unlike above, where the halls were lit with a strange light that seemed to, at once, come from everywhere and nowhere, Wolf's dungeons were lit with torches on the walls. No matter what time of the year it was, it was always Halloween in Wolf's dungeons. Eventually, Wolf led them to his office, where they also had the added task of averting their eyes from the strange creatures in jars of even stranger liquids that lined Wolf's walls.

"I should have known that the school ship wouldn't have been enough for our little celebrity and his sidekick," Wolf growled, drawing their attention to him. "Such great heroes would never be seen mixing with common students, would they?"

"It's not like that!" Mario exclaimed. "The door at Seatac wouldn't-"

"Shut it!" Wolf growled. He drew a newspaper from behind his desk and slammed it down for them to see. The headline said, _FLYING PHONE BOX MYSTIFIES AND EXCITES MUGGLES EVERYWHERE. _"You were seen by at _least _sixteen muggles, and the news spread, of course. Half the country knows about it already! Doctor Who fans everywhere are punching the air, shouting 'I knew it, I knew it!'" Turning on Link, he said, "A flying phone box? Doesn't your father work in the government to _prevent _this? I can only imagine how proud he'll be that his own son should be on his lists..."

Mario felt like his stomach had gone out to lunch in his socks. If anyone found out the truth about the Sky Runner, and about Mr. Faron...

"And on top of that, while I was going around our grounds, I noticed a large amount of damage done to a Flaaghra planted on our grounds before you little bastards were even _born!"_

"To tell the truth," Link said, sounding a little shaky, "I think it did more damage to us. I mean, I'm going to have to go to therapy for seeing something like that, and-"

"Shut up!" Wolf growled. "And it's not just you that I'm angry at, either! I am, of course, and I'm shouting you down, but I'm _also _shouting at the bastard who's writing this story! You know who you are! You can't go _five _freaking seconds without ripping someone off, can you? That's right, five! Not four, _FIVE! _You couldn't even leave Doctor Who alone, could you? I'll never be able to enjoy that show again!"**

XXXX

Meanwhile, back at his house, Gamer4 stared at his computer. "Well, excuse the _heck _out of me," he said, before beginning to type again.

XXXX

"But, of course, I can't take care of him," Wolf growled, turning back to Mario and Link, who were also staring at him, "so I'll just have to deal with you instead. Unfortunately, of course, I can't decide whether or not you should be expelled. A side effect of your being in Nintendo. However, you're not clear yet. I'm going to go get those who _can._"

With that, he stood and swept out of the office, leaving Mario and Link behind to look nervously at each other. They were both thinking the same thing: if it was Samus that Wolf was getting, they might as well be packing their bags now. She was fairer than Wolf, but was no more likely to be impressed by what they'd done.

A few minutes later, Wolf was back. Behind him, sure enough, was Samus. Mario made a mental note that, among the other things that had slipped his mind over the Summer was just how angry Samus was capable of getting. At her worst, Mario was sure that even the Flaaghra would cower away from her. She spoke only one word as she entered: "Explain."

Link started the story, telling her about how the water park advertisement had refused to let them through. "We had no choice, we couldn't get to the Great Fox, and we couldn't tell if Mom and Dad could get back-"

"And why couldn't you have sent us a letter?" Samus asked. "I seem to recall that _you _have an albatross, at least," she added, glaring at Mario.

Mario froze, staring at her. Now that he thought about it, why _hadn't _they done that? "I- I..."

He was interrupted by a loud knock at the door. They all turned as it opened, and in entered a gigantic right hand in a glove: the Master Hand.

Mario's stomach, deciding that his socks were too cramped, decided that its next location was Hawaii. The Master Hand, like his half-brother, was extremely good at conveying emotions, even in his hand form, and Mario found himself wishing that he was still back with the Flaaghra.

After a long silence, the Master Hand spoke. "Why did you do this?"

He didn't shout, he didn't even raise his voice, but his words hit Mario like one of the Flaaghra's backhands. He found himself unable to look directly at the Master Hand, so he told the floor about everything, start to finish, with the sole exception of how they'd gotten the Sky Runner: rather than admitting that Mr. Faron had made it, he made it sound like they'd just happened to find a TARDIS replica in some back alley. He knew, of course, that even Bill would be unlikely to be fooled (well, all the way) by a story like this, and if Bill would doubt it, it had no chance against the Master Hand, but the Master Hand didn't draw attention to the point. He waited silently for Mario to finish. When Mario finally did finish, silence fell around the room.

Link eventually broke it. "Well, we'll just go and pack, then."

"What are you talking about, Faron?" Samus asked, her use of his last name signifying danger.

"Well, we're expelled, aren't we?"

Samus threw a quick glance at the Master Hand.

"Not today, I think," the old hand said. "But all the same, you obviously can't get off completely- ah- scott-free. I am going to write to both your families tonight. And if you ever do anything like this again, then I will have no choice _but _to expel you."

A look of fury filled Wolf's face. He rose, saying, "Master Hand, these two have beaten the _law _to death, and caused extreme damage to the Flaaghra- surely something more extreme than-"

"I'm aware of this," the Master Hand said, silencing him. "However, it is _Samus's _decision, not ours, as to their fate. As Nintendos, they are her responsibility."

Wolf threw them one last hatred-filled look before sweeping out of the room.

Samus turned to them. "The school year hasn't even started, and you two are already waiting for a punishment," she said. "A great omen of things to come, isn't it?" Mario looked up at her. It seemed like a small amount of anger had left her, though he couldn't exactly tell. "However, as I said, the school year hasn't started yet, so I can't _really _take any points away. Instead, you will both serve detention. For now, I'll be at the feast." With this, she followed Wolf out the door.

The Master Hand turned back to them, much brighter now that everything was over. He twitched a finger at the desk, and a large plate of sandwiches appeared there, together with two cups and a large bottle of Mountain Dew. "Well, let's not start this year on _too _much of a low note," he said. "Eat here, then head back up to your hub. I should get back to the feast too. There was a cake up there that I wanted to- check." With that, he exited as well.

Mario's stomach had returned from its vacation, and his heart lightened up. It was much better than he'd expected. He could deal with the detention, and as for the Smiths, he was fully aware that they'd only be disappointed that the Flaaghra had failed to eviscerate them.

Link, reaching for a sandwich, let out a whistle. "I thought we were finished."

"Me too," Mario said, pouring himself some soda.

"I can't believe our luck, though," Link added. "Kirby and Meta are almost more used to using that thing than they are to walking, and no one ever saw them. And why couldn't we get to Platform Q?"

"Couldn't tell you," Mario admitted, taking a bite of sandwich. "But we'll have to watch our step from now on."

When they finished, they got up and headed up through the massive house to Nintendo's hub. The mansion was quiet, and it seemed like they were the last to go up. Finally, they reached the doorway to their hub: a painting of a tall woman in a pink dress, with long blond hair that covered one eye, a crown, and carrying a wand of some sort. "Password?" she asked, seeing them approaching.

"Um..." Mario said uncertainly. The prefects always told the students their password as they introduced them to the hub, but they, of course, were up late.

"If you don't have the password, I can't let you in," Rosalina said.

"If we seriously get locked outside _two _doors today-" Link started, but he was cut off by the sound of feet behind them. They turned to see Zelda rushing up a nearby flight of stairs.

"There you are!" she said. "I've been looking all over! There were a bunch of ridiculous rumors going around- people were saying you got here by crashing a flying blue phone box into the Flaaghra!"

"Um, I'll take the 5th..." Link said, looking at his feet.

"Wait- you mean you _did?" _she asked in exasperation.

"Can you just tell us the password?" Mario asked. "Then we can go inside and try to figure out why Link and I are apparently the only ones in the school who didn't know about the Flaaghra."

"'Green star,'" Zelda said impatiently, "but the point is-"

She was cut off as Rosalina swung open to an explosion of applause. It looked like all of Nintendo had stayed up waiting for them. A few arms reached out and pulled the two of them in, with Zelda following close behind.

"That is one of the most awesome things I've heard!" cheered Teddy Gates, a close friend of Kirby and Meta Knight. "Flying a phone box into the Flaaghra, it'll be a while before anyone forgets that!"

As Mario registered yet another person who'd already known about the Flaaghra, he was congratulated by five more people that he didn't even know, one of which patted him on the back, and he saw Kirby and Meta approaching them. "Hey, how come you left _us _behind?" Meta said.

"Now, now, Meta," Kirby said, looking impressed, "we should give them some props!"

"True, true," Meta said, grinning at them.

Link was flushed, looking pleased but embarrassed, when Mario noticed one person who wasn't cheering them on: R.O.B. was standing to the side, looking on disapprovingly, and was starting to approach them. Mario gave Link a nudge, pointing out the approaching robot, and Link caught on right away.

"Oh, we have to go," Link said. "Long day, you know, flying a phone box..."

The Nintendos parted the way to the stairs that led up to the dorms, and the two quickly headed up, with Mario throwing a quick "Good night!" to Zelda, who was also waiting on the sidelines, looking almost as disapproving as R.O.B.

Finally, they found their dorm, labeled _Sophomores, _and entered the familiar room. There were already five beds set, and their luggage had even been taken up already.

Link threw a guilty grin at Mario. "I know we shouldn't have enjoyed that, but..."

The door opened again, and they turned to see their roommates coming in: Diddy Kong, Luigi, and Ness. "Unbe-freaking-lievable!" Diddy said.

"Rockin'!" Ness whooped.

"Amazing!" cheered Luigi.

"You two cool, ding ding!" said Mr. Saturn, Luigi's saturn.

Mario found that he couldn't help grinning too.

_XXXX_

*Apparently, I do.

**If you were going to flame this chapter, don't worry, it's already covered.

Well, I'm glad that this chapter came faster than the last one, even if it still didn't come all that fast. I'm trying to improve my abysmal update schedule, so hopefully, chapters will start coming faster. Thanks to those of you still reading and supporting this story. Please R&R, constructive criticism embraced, flames are, as mentioned above, already covered, Gamer4 out.


	6. Tingle Limpah

Gamer4 in. Time for story time! Once upon a time, there was a fanfiction writer who always included deep thoughts and philosophical reflections in their author's notes. But it's not me, so let's just get to the next chapter! The end.

Disclaimer: I sincerely hope that I've managed to convey my feelings for these by now.

Chapter VI

Tingle Limpah

...Which was lucky for him, because the next day gave him barely any reasons to smile at all. Breakfast that day was a perfect foreshadowing of what was to come. The breakfast itself was up to Smash Bros. standards, so that wasn't the foreshadowing. It was even nice and sunny, unusual for September. Mario and Link headed to the dining hall to find Zelda with her nose buried in _Raiders of the Lost Wand, _one of Tingle's books. Due to her refusal to acknowledge their existence, they gathered that she hadn't gotten over their arrival methods. Luigi, on the other hand, was in very bright spirits as he jumped over to them.

"The mail's coming soon!" he said happily. "It's great to be back, isn't it?"

Mario was on the point of agreeing when a large flock of albatrosses suddenly began swooping into the hall, dropping mail of all sorts on the eating crowd below. Mario saw that Parrakarry wasn't among them, though he hadn't really expected mail so soon into the year anyways. (It wasn't like he had many correspondents to begin with.) Initially, it seemed as though Link hadn't received anything either, but a few moments after the albatrosses had all swooped out, the doors to the hall opened, and a random man in a tall red hat and white clothes, carrying a large bag on his back, burst in, shouting, "HEEEEY!" as he ran among the tables, eventually coming in front of Link. "I have a letter here for Link Faron from his mother!" he shouted in a loud, carrying voice.

"Um, okay?" Link said uncertainly, looking at the man.

The man reached into his bag, pulling out a letter tied to a box, dropped the box on the table, and began to read the letter out loud, in a voice so loud that the windows began to shake. "LINK FARON! HOW DARE YOU STEAL THAT RIP-OFF! I'M STILL EXPECTING A LETTER SAYING YOU'VE BEEN EXPELLED! THE LOOK ON YOUR FATHER'S FACE WHEN WE SAW IT WAS GONE!"

Link, turning a strange color Mario had never seen before, began to sink as low as he could beneath the table.

"WE JUST GOT THE LETTER LAST NIGHT! YOU'RE LUCKY YOU'RE AT THAT MANSION NOW! YOU TWO COULD HAVE DIED!"

Mario made a valiant attempt to stave off his own embarrassment, hoping no one would realize that he was the second person Mrs. Faron had mentioned.

"WE ARE BOTH DISGUSTED WITH YOU! YOU'RE FATHER IS ON PROBATION FOR THIS! IF YOU SO MUCH AS FALL ASLEEP DURING A LECTURE, WE WILL COME OVER THERE AND DRAG YOU HOME BEHIND US IN A CAR! And that's what it says," the man said, coming to an abrupt halt, and looking around to see where Link had gone.

"Thanks," Link said from his position on the floor.

"She also sent you that box," the man said. "Well, another letter delivered! Onward to mail!"

With this, he blew on a whistle he seemed to pull out of nowhere, and ran out of the hall.

Link cautiously turned to the box, and opened it up. Mario just had time to register a quiet beeping noise before Link shouted, "WHAT THE F-" and the box exploded, leaving a bewildered, ash-blackened Link in it's wake.

Zelda, apparently deciding to finally take notice of them, closed her book and turned to them. "Well," she said, "you can't deny that-"

"I deserved it, yeah, I know!" Link said, sounding irritable.

Further argument was interrupted by Samus going around the Nintendo table, handing out new schedules. Mario saw that he, Link, and Zelda all had Nature Study with Hal first off.

XXXX

And so it came to be that the next half-hour found Mario, Link, and Zelda trudging across the damp grounds towards the greenhouse. The only silver lining involved with Mrs. Faron's message was that Zelda had apparently decided that they had been punished enough for the Sky Runner fiasco, and was being just as friendly as ever.

They slowed as they approached the greenhouses and saw the entire class standing outside, looking absently around.

"What's going on?" Mario asked Luigi, who was nearby.

"Oh, Daisy's not here yet," Luigi answered. "I think she's over taking care of the Flaaghra."

Mario glanced back at the mansion, and saw Daisy coming around it towards the greenhouse. Sure enough, she had several tools with her that he could imagine would be helpful in dealing with the plantlike monstrosity. However, she wasn't alone. Striding next to her, dressed in his usual strange green clothes, was Tingle Limpah. He was wearing a cocky smile as he skipped along next to her. Daisy, for her part, looked distinctly unhappy in regards to her companion. As she approached them, she put on a smile that looked extremely forced, and called out, "Good morning, class! I've just been-"

"She's just been handling the Flaaghra, is all!" Tingle interrupted. "It took a little longer than usual, since she needed to seek my expert advice! Not that I'm actually all that good with plants, but Flaaghras are a very exotic race of plants, and I just happened to have found myself in ideal positions to-"

"We're in greenhouse 4 today!" Daisy interrupted, her smile looking more forced by the second. She approached said greenhouse and opened up the door for them. Mario, glancing in, was about to take his place alongside Link, Zelda, and Luigi at a vast table inside when Tingle shot out a hand and grabbed his shoulder.

"Mario!" he said, just as cheerfully as ever. "I've been wanting a word with you! It's alright if he's a little late, isn't it, Daisy?"

Daisy's smile was replaced by a very non-false grimace, but this was lost on Tingle, who quickly turned, dragging Mario with him. Mario thought he heard some very uncharacteristic words from Daisy before the door slammed in her face.

"Ah, Mario!" Tingle said, looking at the boy next to him. "Mario, Mario, Mario. Mario. Mario, Mario, Mario, Mario, Mario. Mario Mario Mario."

Mario was vaguely reminded of a twisted red spirit he'd met in Telma's bar a year before, but somehow, even that spirit had been less annoying.

"Mario, Mario, Mario, Mario, Mario, _Mario. _I feel I must apologize. I do realize that it's my fault, of course. I felt so much guilt when I heard. Oh, Mario, Mario, _Mario._"

"Um..." Mario started, but Tingle interrupted again.

"I'm afraid I gave you a taste of fame, my boy. I shouldn't have forced you on the front page so soon."

While Mario agreed with the statement, he was still confused about where, exactly, Tingle was trying to go with this.

"It's a curse, really. You can't help yourself. You get on the front page, and you can't wait to do it again. It's not your fault at all. But, still, you can't go making replicas of popular culture icons and flying them around to get yourself noticed."

"But it wasn't like-" Mario started, but Tingle interrupted.

"Oh, I know what you're thinking. After all, wasn't I once a child too? You're thinking, 'Oh, sure, he can say all that, after all, he's greatly famous already!'"

"Not really..."

"Oh, don't worry, my dear boy. When I was your age, I was almost as obscure as you. Even more so, I didn't even have the whole 'defeating Tabuu at age 1' thing going for me. I realize that it's not quite as wonderful as some of my past exploits, but believe you me, you're on the right path."

With that, Tingle gave him a quick pat on the back and began heading back towards the mansion. As he left, he added, over his shoulder, "Oh, and say 'Hi' to that fairy friend of yours, won't you?"

For a few seconds, Mario stared at the figure returning to the mansion. Suddenly, he remembered that he had a class to be in, and turned back to the greenhouse.

Daisy was already in her usual teaching position. As Mario entered, he noticed a disco ball overhead, and large loudspeakers at various points in the greenhouse. Seeing that Mario had entered, Daisy made a bold attempt at shaking off her earlier irritation and said, "We'll be handling Boku Babas today! Who can tell me exactly what a Boku Baba is?"

Everyone instantly turned to Zelda, who, sure enough, had her hand up in the air already. Taking a deep breath, she said, "A Boku Baba, distantly related to the Deku Baba, is a plant with a large degree of sentience. They sprout seeds in their mouths that form an essential part of many potions, particularly ones for healing or regaining stamina. However, unlike their Deku cousins, they are never anything but hostile towards other life forms, unless they are appeased by certain strains of music."

Mario gaped at her. Sure, she'd done things like this in their previous year, but he had yet to get used to her encyclopedic knowledge, and her strange ability to regurgitate it at high speeds without taking in breath.

"Exactly, down to the letter," Daisy praised her. "Ten points for Nintendo. Now, these Boku Babas here are still very young, so they are extremely unlikely to kill you. However, they are still extremely dangerous, so approach with caution. I will demonstrate with this." as she said this, she reached behind her with gloved hands and came back with a potted plant. It was simply a long stem of some kind leading up to a large green bulb. She very carefully placed the plant on the table, then began reaching up to the bulb. Suddenly, the bulb seemed to come to life, two halves separating, and the stem curling up, until the top of the bulb was facing Daisy. It waved gently from side to side, reminding Mario somewhat of a snake. Daisy, working very carefully, shot a hand towards it, right into the opening, which Mario identified as a kind of mouth, and quickly withdrew with a bright green seed. She quickly withdrew, and the Boku Baba returned to it's former state of immobility.

"Now, once you have gained enough experience," Daisy said, holding up the seed to show them, "you may be able to take their seeds with minimal safety precautions. However, for now, we have some music here to calm them down in order for today's work to go by. So, today, choose a plant, and, once the music begins, start trying to get some seeds from them."

A few moments later, everyone was ready to begin. "Okay, let's get started!" Daisy said, and pushed a button. The disco ball began flashing, and suddenly, _Don't Stop Believing _began booming out from the loudspeakers. The students gave a quick look of confusion at this, but shook it off and began to approach their plants.

As Mario, Link, and Zelda began to approach their plant, another boy approached them. Mario recognized his face, but couldn't place his name.

"Duster Osohe," he said, brightly shaking Mario's hand. "I know you, of course. Mario Mario. I don't know anyone here who _doesn't _know you."

"I guess..." Mario said, feeling slightly off-put.

"And you're Zelda Hyrule, aren't you?" Duster said, turning to Zelda. "Yeah, I know you, too. Always top in everything."

"Well, I wouldn't exactly say-" Zelda stumbled, blushing.

"And Link Faron! That was _your _TARDIS replica, wasn't it?"

"Sky Runner," Link grumbled, not smiling.

"Whatever," Duster said, brushing this aside. "Have you guys had a class with Tingle yet?" They shook their heads, Zelda looking somewhat regretful. "He's something, let me tell you," Duster continued happily. "Let me tell you, if _I'd _gotten caught by an army of mooks, I'd have been done for, but not him! I mean, geez, Jesus walked on water, but that guy swims through land!"

"In fact, after all the craziness going on last year, what with that insane snorlax and all, my parents were considering taking me out of the Smash Bros. and sending me to a normal school. They're muggles, you know. But when they found out Tingle was a teacher this year, and read some of his books, they completely changed their minds!"

At this point, they were interrupted by Daisy coming by and asking them what progress they'd made, causing them to realize that they'd made absolutely none. They set to work seeding the Boku Babas.

It was a great credit to Daisy's skill with plants, Mario thought, that she'd managed to claim seeds from a Boku Baba all on her own, and make it look easy: even with the hostile plants somewhat calmed by the music, and wearing protective gear, it took a great deal of work to claim their prizes from the gnashing mouths. Pacified or not, it was clear that the Boku Babas wouldn't give up their treasures lightly.

By the end of the class, everyone was tired, sweaty, and nursing an injury or two. And, of course, they didn't have time to rest, because their next class was transformation, which was taught by Samus.

While Samus's classes weren't exactly famed for easiness anyways, Mario felt that that day's lesson was especially hard, likely due to the fact that he was so underpracticed from his time at the Smiths'. He was supposed to be turning a spider into a gold token, but so far, he had made no progress whatsoever. Right next to him, Link, who was apparently arachniphobic, was simply trying to stay as far away from his specimen as he possibly could while still in the classroom, fending it off with his sword if it ever came to close. This, combined with his sword's broken state, resulted in many bangs and flashes of light coming from his corner of the room, with a few screams whenever the spider managed to get too close to him.

The lunch bell seemed like the call of sanctuary to Mario, and he, along with Link and Zelda, headed out of the classroom and down the stairs to the dining hall, with Link muttering darkly about his sword. (He had made it clear that he wasn't willing to discuss the spiders earlier.)

"Why don't you ask your parents to get you a new power controller?" Mario suggested.

"Because that mailman would be back the next day with a message about how it's my fault the dang thing got broken to begin with," Link muttered.

Unable to summon an objection to this, Mario turned to Zelda. "What do we have next?"

"Protection from the Evils," Zelda said quickly, and Mario couldn't help noticing a small blush.

XXXX

After a quick lunch, the group headed out onto the grounds to enjoy the rest of the break before their next class. Zelda quickly sat down and returned to her cover-to-cover reading of _Raiders of the Lost Wand_, while Mario and Link wandered off around the grounds, talking about this and that, only for them to be interrupted by the appearance of the small, mouse-like creature with a lightning-bolt tail that Mario had noticed donning the Sorting FLUDD the previous night. He was holding what appeared to be a ridiculously old-fashioned camera, and staring up at Mario with something that was only two degrees from idol worship.

"How's it going?" he asked them brightly. "I'm Pichu! I'm in Nintendo, just like you guys! Is it alright if I get a picture?"

"A what?" Mario asked, confused.

"A picture!" Pichu said, jumping up and down in excitement. "You're one of the first things I learned about the smasher world! I heard someone saying, 'Mario Mario once got attacked by the worst evil in the world, and after three days of agonizing pain, that evil died!' So, I thought it would be cool to meet you, and since I do photography back in the muggle world (I'm really good at it, and I don't even need to bring a flash with me here!) I thought it would be cool to get a picture of you! This place is just awesome! I never knew I was a smasher until I got the letter! I'd been in my human form until the Smash Bros. made contact, and suddenly, everything made sense! And of course, it would be awesome if I got a picture of one of the most awesome smashers ever! Oh, even better, could your friend take it, and I could stand next to you! And then, maybe, could you sign it?"

Mario stood there, taken aback, for a brief moment, wondering just how long Pichu could talk without taking in air, when an extremely unwelcome voice split the air.

"Signed photos, huh? Well, you sound like you're moving up, dog!"

Sure enough, Mario and Link turned to see Bowser Dragmire lumbering up to them, with Ganondorf and Wario, his lackies at the Smash Mansion, at his side.

"Yo, all you people! Get over here!" Bowser cried out. "Mario Mario's giving out signed pictures! Get them while supplies lasts! One stack for $19.99!"

"I'm not giving out pictures, Bowser," Mario said, clenching his fists.

"You just wish you were half as awesome as he is!" Pichu piped up.

"Awesome?" Bowser chortled. "That's not the word I'd use, homey. Really, I wouldn't say getting your head chopped open is anything to be thankful for, squirt." As he said this, he made a motion as if to ruffle Pichu's hair, if he had any.

"Go die in a fire, Bowser," Link growled, clearly not in the mood.

"You gotta watch yourself, Faron," Bowser growled. "You don't want your mommy taking you outta school, do ya?"

A small snicker ran through the gathering crowd at this.

"You know, Faron, if you were to get hold of a signed photo of Mario, it would probably be worth more than your family put together."

Link took out his sword, heedless of it being broken in half, only for Zelda to appear, and hiss in his ear, "Watch out!"

"Well, what's all this?" came another voice, as Tingle Limpah came striding out amongst them. "I heard something about signed photos-" Seeing Link, he said, "Ah, fairy boy!" his face lighting up, and then, inevitably, his vision passed on to Mario. "Ah, I see! Who else, after all? Long time, no see, Mario!"

"It's only been a couple hours..." Mario grumbled as Tingle pulled him to his side, his ears turning as red as his hat.

"Too long!" Tingle said, grasping Mario firmly at his side. "How about a double picture?" he added, addressing Pichu. "Me _and _Mario for the price of one, _and _we'll both sign it!"

In Mario's mind, he sounded somewhat like an auctioneer, but Pichu was satisfied, and began clicking away on his camera, providing the flash with a bit of self-produced lightning.

As the bell to go to class rang, Tingle began shooing the crowd, and turned to escort (or, rather, drag) Mario back into the mansion. "I was covering up for you back there, my boy," Tingle said, ignoring, as usual, Mario's desperate pleas of innocence. "If it were a two-in-one picture, it wouldn't seem as ego-serving. You don't want to be handing around signed photos this early in your career, my boy, really, you don't. You won't endear as many people as you will later on. Sure, sure, you may eventually reach a stage where you won't be able to go anywhere without pleas for them, but until then, keep more to yourself."

At this point, they had arrived outside the Protection from the Evils classroom, finally necessitating the release of Mario's arm from Tingle's grip. Mario headed in, and took a spot at the back of the classroom, doing all he could to avert his eyes from the sight at the front. Over time, the rest of the class began filtering in, with Link and Zelda assuming a spot on either side of him as they entered.

"I can't say I envy you for that one, buddy," Link said. "We'll have to do everything we can to stop Pichu from meeting Peach, or who knows what they'll try to do for you."

"Shut up," Mario said agitatedly.

When the whole class had entered, Tingle rose at the front, and silence instantly fell. Smiling around at the class, he reached forward and picked up Luigi's copy of _Adventures in the Waffle Kingdom. _He held it up for the whole class to see. "Yes, that is me!" he said happily. "Tingle Limpah! I would give you a brief list of my accomplishments, but they are so many- and so well-known- that I really don't think it's necessary! I see you all have a complete set of my books! I appreciate your devotion."

"Like we had a choice," Link grumbled.

"Now, to business!" Tingle said happily, turning his attention, as well as the class's, to a large cage on his desk. "First, I must warn you that my class is not for the faint of heart. You will find yourself facing some of the darkest creatures known to this world in this room over the course of this year. It is my job to arm you against these foul creatures as best I can. However, I assure you all that, while I am here, no harm will come to you, so long as you remain calm."

There were stirrings of interest around the room. Mario found his attention drawn up front in spite of himself. Ness and Diddy, who had previously been sniggering at Tingle's manner, were looking nervously up front. Luigi, who was in the front row, was shaking, with a look of abject terror on his face, not allowing his eyes to stray from the cage in front of him.

Tingle's hand tightened on the cage's cover, and there was a mass intake of breath as Tingle removed it.

"That's right," he said, injecting as much drama as possible into his voice, "_Undomesticated Mr. Batties!"_

The tension around the room seemed to shout out the windows, as many of the students suddenly relaxed, and Diddy actually gave a snort of laughter.

"And what say you, young Diddy?" Tingle said; apparently, even his ignorant ears couldn't transform that snigger into a yelp.

"Well, it's not like they're dangerous!" Diddy said, still laughing.

"I wouldn't be so confident!" Tingle said. "Mr. Batties can be very tricky fellows!"

Mario stared at the creatures inside the cage. They seemed like regular bats, but with more human like faces, with very human eyes that seemed to never point the same way, spinning around and around. Around their necks were ties, which naturally looked extremely out of place on them. Overall, the effect was much more comedic than the creatures of nightmare he'd expected.

"If you're so confident, how about we have a test run?" Tingle said, and he flung up the bolt and the cage opened.

If there was a god of chaos, Mario could only imagine the delight they'd have in what Tingle had just done. The batlike creatures rushed out of their cage, and began tearing the room apart. All the pictures in the room ran out of their frames, no doubt heading for a safer place, like Shadow Moses Island. The bats swooped down, tearing papers apart, throwing the empty picture frames around, and even attacking each other (or themselves) in midair, only adding to the chaos. Luigi led the charge out of the room, not even bothering to open the door, leaving a Loony Toons- style hole in the door on his way out. The other students were quick to follow his example.

"Oh, come on, they're only Mr. Batties!" Tingle said, and spun the watch around his neck around, did a backflip, and clapped his hands.

Nothing happened. A stray bat collided with his watch, turned around, and snatched it from around his neck.

Tingle gulped, and turned to see who was left. Seeing Mario, Link, and Zelda, who were just about to exit via the Luigi-shaped hole in the door, he called out, "I'd like to ask you three to get the rest of them back in their cage." With that, he retreated out the door himself.

"That son of a-" Link was cut off from finishing his sentence as a stray Batty hit him in the face.

"He just wants us to get some personal experience!" Zelda insisted, using Psi Paralysis, which she'd learned the previous year, to knock the Batties out of the air.

"Like crud!" Mario shouted, his bad mood very clearly showing. "He's more clueless than some of these stupid bats!"

"Are you kidding?" Zelda said, her voice getting higher. "Did you even _read _his books? How can anyone do that and-"

Finally wrenching the bat off his face, Link muttered, "Yeah, and someone who did all that would definitely think _this _was a good idea, right?"

For once, Zelda had no response.

_XXXX_

Um, I don't even want to look at the calendar. I'm sorry, guys, I know I messed up. Again. I'm really trying to improve my update schedule, even if that's not going so well. I wouldn't blame you guys for coming up to my house with a rocket launcher. Hopefully, you can find it in yourselves to forgive me.

Anyways, on a more happy topic, you're reading this now means that, likely, the world _didn't _end on December 21st! Woohoo! Let's celebrate our survival by not killing me for my terrible update schedule! And while you're at it, please R&R, constructive criticism welcome with open arms, flames shall be shunned like non-believers, Gamer4 out!


	7. The Whisperer in the Darkness

Gamer4 in. I'm doing my best to break my habit of leaving my stories unupdated for months at a time, so... yeah, we'll see how that goes.

Disclaimer: My kingdom for a world where these are irrelevant...

Chapter VII

The Whisperer in the Darkness

And so it came to be that, whenever Mario saw Tingle Limpah approaching him in the halls over the next few days, it became his habit to find shelter immediately. Noticing Tingle's strange fascination with Link, he recommended that his friend do the same. Determined to see as little as possible as Tingle outside of classes, the two began developing strategies to go through the Smash Mansion's halls without meeting him.

However, no strategy could dissuade Pichu, who still seemed to believe that the sun rose and set on Mario. It seemed that no matter where they went, Pichu would pop out of an intersecting hall, or a suit of armor, or even a wall, just for the pleasure of saying 'Hi' to Mario, as if wanting to reassure himself that he was on speaking terms with the greatest smasher since Chuck Norris.

Link's sword hadn't improved at all. Whenever he tried to use the half of the blade he still held, another piece would blast off faster than a bullet, ricocheting around the room for a few minutes accompanied with lights and sound effects from the sword itself. Overall, Mario was glad when the weekend finally arrived. He, Link, and Zelda were planning on finally paying the Crazy Hand a visit at his small house at the edge of the grounds. After all, they hadn't seen him yet that year, and Crazy always did his best to make guests feel at home.

However, Mario's plans for that Saturday were nipped in the bud as he found himself being shaken awake by an unknown person. With his mind still booting up, he turned over in his bed and began feeling around for his hat, in case it turned out to be someone he'd rather not see, while grumbling, "Whassadassakeya?"

"Oh, come on, are you gonna spend the whole day in bed?" came the person's voice, and Mario finally recognized it as Douglas Falcon, captain of the Nintendo Smash-Up team. Glancing over at his alarm clock, he felt like facepalming.

"Captain, it's 4:30," he muttered, turning over again.

"The early bird catches the waffles!" Captain Falcon said cheerfully, though quietly enough to not wake the others.

"That's worm."

"I know, but I like waffles."

Trying to reason with Falcon, Mario said, "We won't be able to do all that much, the sun's not even up yet."

"I've been working on new tactics all summer, and I'm finally ready to present!" Captain Falcon said, his old enthusiasm in his voice. "I've even got the field reserved for this practice, are you really going to duck out on me?"

"No... no," Mario muttered, throwing his blankets off and rising to his feet.

"Awesome," Captain Falcon said. "Smash-Up stadium, ten minutes!"

Eventually, Mario found his Smash-Up uniform, reached into his trunk, pulled out the keys to his Flame Runner, and headed down the stairs to the dorm. He was just leaving the dorm for the main mansion when he heard a skittering noise behind him and turned to see Pichu scampering after him.

"I heard you were up, Mario!" he said excitedly.

"How?" Mario asked. "It's 4:30 in the morning."

"Not important," Pichu said quickly, turning red. "But take a look at this!" he added, producing from apparently nowhere a rectangle of some kind. Looking at it, Mario saw it was the photo of him and Tingle from the first day. Tingle was standing there, waving at the camera, while his photographic counterpart was determinedly staying as out-of-sight as possible.

"Will you sign it?" Pichu asked, jumping up and down.

"I said I wouldn't sign it last chapter, I haven't really had time to change my mind," Mario muttered, turning to continue down the stairs.

"Chapter?" Pichu asked, sounding confused, but he shook it off when he saw that Mario was leaving. "Wait, where are you going?"

"Smash-Up practice," Mario said quickly, not stopping his descent.

"Oh, cool! You have to take me with you, I've never seen anything related to Smash-Up before, but I heard it's amazing!"

"Oh, this is just practice, you wouldn't want to see that," Mario said, but he might as well have told the stairs.

"The word on the wind is that you're the first person to play when you were eleven!" Pichu said. "I'll bet you're the best one on the team, aren't you? I bet no one tops you!"

"I wouldn't say that, exactly," Mario muttered, resigned to the fact that Pichu didn't notice his disinterest.

Smash-Up was the most popular sport in the world of smashers. The players drove karts around a large arena, playing with four separate balls. The smash-up ball was handled by one team's offense, which consisted of three players, trying to get it through the other team's goals. The goals were four hoops, with two positioned right next to each other, with one above and one below. The higher the hoop, the more they scored. The goals were protected by the defense, a single person charged with keeping the smash-up ball away at all costs. Two of the other 'balls' were chain chomps, large metal spheres with wide eyes and large mouths full of pointy teeth that ran around attempting to knock players out. The brawlers on each side of the field carried super scopes, special guns designed to knock the chomps away from a brawler's team and at the others. The final player was the seeker, whose job it was to find and capture the Smash-Up ball, which netted their team an extra fifty points and ended the game. On Mario's team, he was the seeker. Captain Falcon formed their defense, and their brawlers were Kirby and Meta. Their offense was made up of three girls: Ana White, Paula Polestar, and Kumatora Jones.

Such did Mario explain to Pichu in an attempt to ward off his questions as they headed down through the mansion. However, Pichu didn't stop assailing him with demands for more information until Mario finally reached the changing rooms, where Pichu ran off to find a seat in the stadium to watch the practice.

Mario entered to find the rest of the team already ready and waiting. Well, maybe 'ready' was too strong a word. Kirby and Meta were slumped over each other's shoulders, making very small attempts to stay awake, while Ana slumped against the wall, snoring. Paula was staring absently at the opposite wall, giving a yawn every now and again. Kumatora, who had the most fighting spirit of anyone on the team, except for Captain Falcon himself, was restlessly pacing, but even she looked like she'd parted with her bed reluctantly: her hair was tousled and her eyes were red.

"About time!" Captain Falcon said, turning as he heard the door open. He was the only one who looked really and truly awake. "What kept you? We can't have a training session without our seeker, you know!" Not giving Mario time to answer, he plunged into his discussion of tactics regarding the game.

He had an overhead projecting images onto a wall, and went into great detail explaining everything that had popped into his head regarding tactics over the summer. Given how much he tended to think about Smash-Up, this was, unfortunately, quite a bit. As he continued to drone, Kirby and Meta openly fell asleep, and even Kumatora looked ready to pass out. Every now and again, Mario would check his watch, watching time ticking away, and watching the second hand move around became somehow mesmerizing, until the next thing he knew, Falcon was calling out, "So, are you ready to do this?"

Kirby jerked himself awake and said, "Yeah, sure, but I do have one question: what was wrong with telling us all this yesterday? You know, rather than the crack of dawn?"

Mario, jerked awake, checked his watch: 7:30. This was probably when some of the others back at the mansion would be waking up. He marveled that even Falcon could go on for so long about just one subject.

"Listen up!" Captain Falcon barked, jerking everyone else awake. "What happened last year shouldn't have happened at all. I won't lie: it shouldn't have happened. We're the best of the best, but due to certain circumstances- I'm not accusing anyone, it's not anyone's fault- but due to certain circumstances, Sierra pulled out a very cheap win."

Mario shifted uncomfortably. Those 'certain circumstances' that he was talking about regarded himself being unconscious in the hospital at the time of the match, due to a fight with the most evil smasher of all time two days earlier. It was nice to know that Falcon didn't blame him, but he still felt guilty.

Captain Falcon, continuing, said, "That in mind, we're going to train even earlier, harder, and longer this year to make sure the same thing doesn't happen again. So let's do this thing!" With that, Falcon charged out onto the field, with his team trudging vaguely after him.

Sure enough, out on the field, the sun had risen. Mario could see Link and Zelda waving up in the stands, crunching on some toast. Link must have guessed where he was. Trying to ignore the fact that he was probably missing breakfast, he crossed the field to where his kart was conveniently parked. He jumped in, produced the key, and fired it up. The excitement of being back in his kart woke him up much better than Captain Falcon's lecture. Kirby and Meta raced beside him. As they hurtled around the stadium, Kirby suddenly addressed Mario. "What's that clicking noise?"

"What?" Mario asked, confused.

"Your kart's making, like, a clicking noise."

Mario stared for a moment, not noticing Meta Knight smirking behind him. "A clicking noise?"

"Never mind," Kirby laughed, speeding ahead. Mario shrugged it off and continued his race around the stadium.

The next moment, Captain Falcon showed up next to him, steering his Blue Falcon. "Watch yourself, Mario," he said. "I think I saw a Sierra spy in the stands. It was this weird mouse thing with a camera. He's probably trying to sabotage us."

"No, he's in Nintendo," Mario quickly said.

"And Sierra doesn't seem to use spies anyways," Meta added, interrupting as he steered over.

"Why do you say that?"

"They're over there, not even trying to hide themselves," Kirby said, pulling up as well.

Captain Falcon and Mario spun around in their karts to see that, sure enough, the Sierra team was walking across the field to their karts, handily parked not that far away.

Falcon turned red, and began steering his kart over to them. Mario, remembering Falcon saying he'd reserved the stadium, followed after him. He, Kirby, Meta, and Falcon himself arrived nearby and jumped out of their karts, crossing over the field to the Sierras.

"What the _heck _is this?" Captain Falcon shouted, drawing their attention. Mario was pretty sure that he'd have used stronger language if the story wasn't rated K+. "I reserved the field today, Vaati!" he shouted at the Sierra captain. "Get out of here!"

Vaati was about two feet shorter than Captain Falcon, with white skin and designs under his eyes, with long white hair and purple clothing. Despite Falcon's advantage in height, Vaati stood up to him confidently. "It's a big stadium. We can share it."

At this point, Ana, Paula, and Kumatora had arrived, jumping off of their karts to see what was happening. Aside from Vaati, all the Sierra players were large and burly.

"I _specially _reserved this field today!" Captain Falcon shouted.

"And I have a _specially _signed note from Wolf here," Vaati said, grinning as he produced said letter. He handed it over to Falcon, who read out loud:

"'I, Wolf O'Donnell, give the Sierra team permission to practice on the Smash-Up field today, due to their need to get their new seeker up to speed.' So, you have a new seeker, huh? Who is it?"

Mario looked up at the Sierra team. Counting Vaati, he only saw six players. Pushing his way past them, however, was a seventh: an anthropomorphic turtle with horns and spikes on his shell. Bowser.

"Aren't you Ghirahim Dragmire's son?" Meta asked, looking at him with obvious distaste.

"Speaking of Ghirahim Dragmire," Vaati said, grinning even wider, "you should see the gift he's granted to the Sierra team."

As one, the team stepped aside and motioned to their karts. They were painted a sleek, shiny black. The large wheels had spikes coming from them, jutting outwards. There were what seemed to be a bull's horn stretched across the front.

"One of the most recent karts," Bowser said happily. "The Offroader. Only out for three months now. It even outstrips the great_ Flame Runner,_" he added, sneering at Mario, "and I don't even want to think about what it can do to Warp Stars," he finished, smirking at Kirby and Meta.

For a moment, all was silent. Suddenly, another voice intruded on them. "What's going on? And what's _he _doing here?"

Turning, they saw Link and Zelda, apparently having crossed the field while they were distracted. Link was looking at Bowser with even more distaste than Meta.

"Oh, didn't you hear, dog? I'm the new seeker. Check out the merchandise!"

Link stared at the Offroaders for a few moments. Bowser, pressing his advantage, said, "I'm just glad that my father, unlike certain others I can mention, can actually afford to get good things."

"And _I'm _just glad that no one on Nintendo got in by flashing off some money," Zelda said, interrupting. "If that's how you decide who to let on your team, Vaati, no wonder you never win the Smash-Up trophy."

For a moment, fury flashed across Bowser's face. He stormed up to her and shouted, "Don't pretend you know what you're talking about, you... you..." For a second, he floundered, apparently at a loss for a word to describe what, exactly, Zelda was. Finally, he shouted, "You _wollywog!"_

Mario couldn't divine any meaning from Bowser's insult, and neither, apparently, could Zelda, who seemed just as confused as he was, but the rest of the Nintendo team went wild. Both Kirby and Meta Knight threateningly drew the swords that served as their power controllers, and Mario got the feeling that it was only Vaati donning his own purple hat and preparing to defend his seeker that stopped them from attacking. Kumatora literally had lightning coursing through her hair as she glared at him, and would have attacked if it weren't for the combined efforts of Ana, Paula, and Captain Falcon to hold her back, but even they looked like they were doing it half-heartedly, and were busy shouting their own abuse at Bowser. Link drew his sword as well, and ignored Vaati as he charged towards Bowser, shouting, "You'll pay for that, Bowser! Psi Paralysis!"

Whatever remained of the sword's blade exploded, and Link was thrown backwards, landing on the ground with the look of anger still on his face, and holding the sword's hilt in his hand. Mario remembered the previous year, when Zelda had done the same to Luigi, turning his entire body numb, causing him to collapse.

For a second, both teams stared, and then the Sierra team burst out in laughter. Throwing a disgusted look at them, Mario turned to Captain Falcon, who was still working to hold Kumatora back. "Permission to leave early, Captain?"

"Granted," Falcon said, finally releasing Kumatora. Not stopping to see if she made her mark on Bowser, Mario and Zelda worked together to hoist Link up and begin carrying him away from the stadium.

"Let's get him to Crazy's," Mario said, and Zelda gave a quick nod of agreement. Link, unable to even move his mouth, said nothing.

It took them a few minutes to drag their friend across the grounds to Crazy's small house at the edge of the Lost Woods. As they approached, the front door opened and Tingle Limpah came out, looking somewhat agitated. Mario quickly dragged Link to a suitable hiding spot nearby, with Zelda reluctantly following, as Tingle strode across the grounds towards the mansion. After checking that the coast was clear, Mario headed to the door with Link in tow, and knocked.

Crazy instantly flung the door open, shouting, "I says I no wants any! You gets on back to da-" he stopped when he looked down at them. "Oh, it you tree. I wonder if you come over sometime. Come on in!" He moved aside, and allowed them to drag Link in. They sat him down on a chair. Link must have been regaining the use of his facial muscles, because he'd managed to rework them from a glare to a more annoyed look, akin to what one would look like if he'd attempted to attack someone, only for the attack to backfire and resulted in his being dragged across a mansion's grounds.

"Sorries fur da shouting earlier," Crazy said as he began making soda. "I tink you be dat Limpah guy back here."

Crazy didn't seem at all worried about Link's situation. "You no gotsta worry," he said. "Nutting last for all da time!"

"I was afraid there wouldn't be anything to do but wait for it to wear off," Zelda said. "I guess it doesn't actually take that long. I'm impressed Link was even able to use that, it would have worked if his sword hadn't been broken."

"What did Tingle want?" Mario asked, as Zoe, Crazy's pet dog, came up and put her head in his lap.

"I work wit Daisy to gets da Flaaghra all up to da snuff," Crazy said. "Daisy warn me he be go on about how it gotta be done, and he no disappoint. He also rant on about his struggle wit da Chestnut King. Biggest loada B.S. I ever hears."

Mario threw a surprised look at Link, who returned it as best he could, given his current circumstances. Crazy had rarely insulted the staff of the Smash Mansion before. Zelda, however, took a different advance, saying, using a voice much higher than usual for her, "Well, don't be unfair to him! Tingle obviously was the best one for the job, or the Master Hand would have-"

"I no says 'best'," Crazy said, turning to her. "He da only one wantin to gets involved wit da Protection from da Evils job anymore. Dededes retire after one year, n' every teacher before stop after one year somehow or udder. Matter Hand be my half-brudda, I knows him, he trust me. Trust me, Tingle da only one willin to takes da job." Seeing the look on Zelda's face, he quickly changed the subject, turning to Mario and asking, "Who he try to gets, anyways?"

"Bowser," Mario said. "He called Zelda some name. I didn't get it, but it must have been bad, given what happened..."

"It was," Link said, apparently getting his powers of speech back. They turned to look at him. "He called her a wollywog."

"He does _whats?!_" Crazy shouted, jumping up.

"Yeah, he did," Zelda agreed. "I couldn't tell what it was, aside from an insult..."

"It was the worst he could think of," Link said, struggling to keep his head upright. "Wollywogs are a sort of weird kind of frog that lives in caves. They look really strange because they always inbreed. That's why it's a name for people with... dirty blood."

"Dirty blood?" Zelda asked.

"Yeah. Some smashers think they're better than everyone else because they're what people call pure-blooded. It just means that their whole family are smashers. I mean, most of us know it doesn't make any difference. Luigi is pureblood, and he's one of the nicest guys you'll ever meet, even if he was the first to run from the Batties."

"N' Zelda not run into nutting dat she not be able to do!" Crazy said proudly.

"It's one of the worst insults ever," Link said, currently struggling to lift his arms. "And one of the dumbest. Most smashers today have some muggle blood in them somewhere. If smashers didn't get with muggles, we'd have either died out or had to inbreed."

It was quiet for a moment, until Crazy said, "Well, dat all over wit. When Linky get to move again, Iz got sometin to shows you."

For a while afterwards, the four of them talked, until Link finally regained the ability to walk on his own. Heading out into Crazy's vast garden, they saw immediately what he'd wanted to show them. Sprouting from the ground were several large objects shaped vaguely like barrels, with a large center and tapering off at either end. They were growing vertically from the ground, and stood almost six feet tall. "Dese be a special family ting!" Crazy said. "Me mommies show me to grows dem, so da Matter Hand not know a ting about da plants. I not remember what dey be called, but dey taste epics when you gots dem all right up!"

"How the heck do you grow things like these?" Link asked, wide-eyed.

"Well, it take some special... stuff..." Crazy said, speaking closer to normal, always a suspicious sign. They all stared at him briefly. Crazy, technically speaking, wasn't allowed to use his smasher powers, due to never having graduated himself: he'd been expelled four years into his education. He'd never tell them why. If they ever attempted to get him to expand on the story, he'd suddenly start singing. Given how wonderful his singing voice was, they'd made an unspoken agreement to never bring it up with him unless absolutely necessary.

XXXX

It was about dinnertime when the three finally left Crazy's and headed up to the mansion. Mario was particularly hungry, not having eaten anything all day (aside from his soda, it was a fatal mistake to accept Crazy's food.) However, they were interrupted in the entrance hall by Samus, who stepped in front of them. "There you are," she said, wearing her 'stern' face. "Tonight is your detentions."

"What are they?" Mario asked.

"Link, you will be cleaning the gallery with Mido. The Boo wrecked it earlier," Samus said, turning on the green swordsman. Link didn't look at all excited. Mido was, after all, one of the most hated people in the Smash Mansion. Turning to Mario, Samus continued. "As for you, Mario, you will be helping Tingle to handle his fan mail."

Horrified, Mario quickly said, "Can't I help Link in the gallery?"

"Unfortunately, no," Samus said, a grimace crossing her face. "Tingle absolutely insisted on having one of you, and given his interest in Faron..."

Mario shuddered. He didn't even want to think about what Tingle would have in store for Link.

And so it came to be that, as they headed into the dining hall, Mario and Link were significantly less joyful than when they'd left Crazy's house. Mario's spirits were lifted only slightly when he saw Bowser. Kumatora must have gotten to him after all, because he was missing a horn and covered in burn marks. Wondering vaguely if Kumatora would be serving detention that night, and knowing full well that she wouldn't care, Mario sat down to finally eat something that day.

Shortly after dinner, Mario found himself ascending the mansion with Link to where Tingle's office lay. Saying a quick farewell to him, Mario made sure that Link was well out of sight before knocking on Tingle's door.

There was barely a pause before the door swung open and Tingle hopped out, looking down at him. "Ah, Mario, my boy! Come on in!"

He sounded like a child inviting a friend in. Mario entered to see Tingle's face beaming at him from just about every inch of the wall. There was a large pile of envelopes sitting on a desk nearby, which Mario was already nervous about.

"You're going to be writing out the addresses!" Tingle said, sounding for all the world like Saint Nicholas pulling out a long-desired toy from his pack.

Naturally, the hours crawled by at the rate of a salted slug crossing a field of rubber cement. Mario quickly learned that Tingle really had nothing of any value to say, (which, looking back, he should have expected,) so, for the most part, he tuned out as he wrote the addresses down, only coming out of his trance long enough to catch brief pieces of advice about the 'cost of fame,' and stuff like that, or to hear stupid trivia that Tingle had apparently assembled for his benefit, such as that koopas weren't, as was usually thought, sentient. Those were anthropomorphic turtles. Koopas were only ever monstrous things that resembled turtles. This was followed by a quick lecture on foreshadowing.

As they worked, it became darker and darker in the room. Suddenly, another voice cut across Tingle's, one that froze Mario in the middle of writing yet another address out. However, it was something better to listen to than Tingle's insane babbling, so listen to it he did. It said, "_That is not dead which can eternally lie, and with strange eons, even death may die. I am awake, and this land will suffer for it!"_

Mario sat bolt upright in his chair, staring around. "What the heck?"

"I could scarcely believe it myself!" Tingle agreed. "But the fact is, anthro turtles have been called the wrong thing for so long that-"

"Not that, the voice!" Mario said, standing.

"Voice?"

"The voice from over there!" Mario said, pointing to where it had come from.

Tingle stared at him for a moment. "There was no voice, my boy! Are you hearing things, maybe?" Glancing down at his watch, he suddenly let out a yelp, and jumped up. "Oh, no wonder! Look at the time! I think I've kept you too long! I guess it's true that time flies when you're having fun!"

Looking around uncertainly, Mario accepted Tingle's pardon.

The mansion was almost black as he quickly headed up to the Nintendo dorms. He almost sprinted, having been shaken by what he'd heard. Upon arriving, he was unhappy to see that the room was empty, and dark aside from the fire in the fireplace. However, Link would have waited for him, and he resolved to return the favor, sitting down next to it and waiting until the painting that served as the room's door opened up and Link walked in, grumbling and cursing Mido under his breath. "He had me in there forever," he said, by way of explanation to Mario. "He wasn't satisfied until a while after everything was perfect. There was this one award that he had me repolish, like, eighteen times. He wanted me to apply it in exactly the right way. He kept he at it, until he randomly accepted the same thing I did the last sixteen times. How was Tingle?"

Under cover of the room's emptiness, Mario told Link about the voice.

"What, Tingle couldn't hear it?" Link asked, surprised. "I don't know... maybe he was lying?"

"I don't know why he would," Mario pointed out.

"Well, maybe it was someone's idea of a joke. But the only one I know who could do that without opening the door is the Boo, and he's never been that subtle."

Mario went to bed with the same question buzzing around in his mind. As he lay there, he could swear that he heard the voice again, quietly echoing through the room. This time, though, it didn't say anything particularly mysterious or threatening. Just some random gibberish that he, to the best of his knowledge, interpreted as "_Tekeli-li. Tekeli-li."_

_XXXX_

And so, with one last reference that 90% of you will miss, we end the next chapter. Hey, I actually managed to get this one out in the same month as the last one! I'm so happy! I don't know for sure about this one, but to let me know how _you _feel, or just to tell me that you got some of those references after all, please R&R, constructive criticism widely embraced, flames shunned, Gamer4 out.


	8. Pit, the Poe, and the Smash Bros Horror

Gamer4 in. Yeah, I wanted to include a _Pit and the Pendulum _joke in this chapter's title, but I couldn't find a place.

Disclaimer: Actually, I _do _own both Harry Potter and Smash Bros. Interesting story- (This story has been deleted for copyright claims by both J.K. Rowling and Nintendo.)

Chapter VIII

Pit, the Poe, and the Smash Bros. Horror

The weeks sped by. Before Mario knew what had happened, it was October. There was a cold epidemic attacking the mansion that went by almost entirely unnoticed due to the fact that Nurse Tessie could cure almost anything just by whispering in her patients' ears.

Rain began pounding on the mansion, making up for lost time over the summer. Lake Delfino began to rise, and Crazy began having to take special care of his garden to stop it from being turned into a muddy mess. As for his 'special crop,' as he had decided to call it in absence of its actual name, the strange barrel-like things had swollen to at least twice the size of before, and grown strange ridge-like things. They disturbed most of the students somewhat, and Zoe refused to go near them, but Crazy stood firm that he was growing them correctly, and they'd be a great treat once Halloween came around.

Due to the fierce rain, many of the sports teams had decided to call off practice for a little bit. But if anyone had thought that the Nintendo Smash-Up team would be taking a break for little things like soaking rain, they didn't know Captain Falcon very well. He was ranked (and, to this day, still holds the record for) the most fanatical Smash-Up team captain anywhere. He kept them working just as hard as ever, with the result that, after a particularly stormy training session, we can pick up the story with Mario climbing the Smash Mansion to the Nintendo dorms, looking like he'd decided to take a swim with his clothes on, and trailing mud behind him.

Even if it had been nice and sunny, it wouldn't have been all that nice of a training session. After a month, Kirby and Meta had finally managed to sneak into one of the Sierra team's practices, and had come back with the news that the Offroaders were, indeed, working as they were supposed to, with the Sierra team speeding around the field almost faster than the rain was falling.

In his musings, Mario suddenly felt a burst of cold, and jumped back. Looking up, he saw he'd accidentally walked into Pit, the resident ghost of Nintendo. As he made a mental note to avoid walking through ghosts in the future, he also noticed that Pit didn't seem to have felt it: he was still looking out the window. He looked just as preoccupied as Mario had been so recently.

"Um... hi, Pit," Mario said, drawing the ghost's attention to him,

"Oh, hey, Mario," Pit said, throwing a quick look at him. Pit was a young man dressed in a robe, with the wings and halo of an angel. Several students had wondered whether he'd looked like this in life, or if he'd only acquired the look after death. He also carried a bow slung over his back. "Something wrong, buddy?"

"I could ask you the same thing," Mario pointed out.

"Oh, it doesn't matter," Pit said. "I was just seeing about something, but I obviously don't have the right stuff..."

"Um..." Mario said, not sure how to respond.

"But that _bastard, _Gary!" Pit suddenly shouted. "He always liked tormenting me when we were alive, but he couldn't let it go when we died! He died by getting his head cut off, so naturally, when he comes back, he starts this _stupid _club for ghosts that died that way too! No good for me, I died by getting shot!"

"Um..." Mario said, still not sure what he should be saying.

"I mean, it's not like we can control how we die!" Pit continued raging. "They don't even do anything that requires you to have your head off, it's just to spite ghosts like me! Just so they can feel superior!" Suddenly, he took a deep breath, and seemed to calm down. "Anyways, sorry for unloading all that on you. What's wrong with you?"

"Nothing you can help with," Mario said. "It's just something that happened last chapter, which was about a month ago, for some reason, and-"

Suddenly, another sound interrupted them, and they turned to see Louise, a small, heavily-furred cat that stalked the halls. Everyone knew to avoid her, as she'd been known to report students to Mido, the mansion's caretaker, for horrible crimes like 'Walking too loudly.'

"You should go," Pit said. "Mido's sick with a small flu right now, so he's even angrier than usual."

"Got it," Mario said, and he turned to begin running up to the Nintendo dorms when Mido suddenly appeared, literally coming out of a nearby wall. It was theorized by several students that Mido had the ability to teleport to where his sentry was at any given time, and Mario had never seen anything to discredit the idea. As Pit had said, he looked off-color. Not, of course, that illness had stopped him from performing his 'duties.'

"Where are you!" he shouted, eyes rapidly scanning the hall. They fell on Mario. "Aha!" he yelled. "I've had enough of this already! All these 'accidents' going on all over the school, who has to take care of them? Follow me, Mario!"

Mario, indifferent as to whether or not he was being addressed by his last name, gave a quick nod to Pit before turning and following Mido.

XXXX

Despite all the trouble he'd gotten into the previous year, Mario had miraculously escaped ever entering Mido's office... until now, of course. It was a short, round room, with wooden walls, floors, and ceiling. In true Smash Mansion fashion, it was lit by an untraceable source. On two of the walls were a series of filing cabinets that Mario guessed contained details of all the punishments Mido had ever issued. The second wall belonged entirely to Kirby and Meta Knight Faron. The wall directly opposite the door had a series of torture implements hung up on it. Mario guessed, then that the rumors regarding Mido's pleading with the Master Hand to torture the students were true.

Mario turned and sat in a small chair near the door, and watched as Mido angrily took out a form of some sort and began writing on it. "You wouldn't believe what these kids have been doing lately," he growled. "We wouldn't have been like this in _my _day, I assure you. We had to march miles to get to our lessons, uphill both ways, under a baking sun, while dealing with pouring rain! Now, here we go!"

Just as Mido was about to finish the form, however, there was a colossal smashing sound above them.

"BOO! BOO! BOOOOOOOOOOO!" Mido shouted, jumping up, leaving the form behind. He rushed out the door, still shouting the same word.

In just about any other situation, this would have seemed much stranger than it did in that one. A grown man rushing out a door shouting, 'boo.' However, Mario knew what Mido was yelling about. While the Smash Mansion had its share of ghosts, of which Pit was only one, there was one tormentor that stood out over all the others: the Boo, a floating white sphere with a small tail and equally small arms, and a evilly-grinning face. While boos existed worldwide, and were the most likely suspects in typical muggle house-hauntings, the Smash Mansion only had the one, for which most people were grateful, because they could barely handle the one they had. Given that it was just the one, most simply called him 'the Boo.' He was more benevolent than others of his race, who had been known to even kill in the name of fun, but that didn't mean he was a saint, either. Next to Mido, he was probably the most hated resident of the place. Nevertheless, Mario couldn't deny that he had timing.

Deciding that leaving the room at this particular juncture wouldn't be in his best interests, he leaned back in the chair to wait. Glancing at the desk, he saw an envelope laying a few inches away from the form that Mido had almost finished when the Boo had struck. It glowed a bright neon green and purple. Curious, he picked it up and looked at it. It read:

_**Smashing Super Guide**_

_**The Quick-learn method for Beginning Smashers**_

His curiosity piqued, Mario flicked open the envelope and began reading the papers therein.

As it transpired, the 'Super Guide Course' was apparently an alleged method to easily learn smashing, directed specifically at smashers who were incapable of keeping up normally. Mario wondered vaguely why Mido would be interested in the Super Guide methods. However, before he could delve too deeply into this mystery, he heard footsteps coming to the door, and quickly returned all the papers to the envelope, did his best to close it again, and threw it back to the desk.

When Mido came in, he looked significantly happier than when he'd left. He was almost skipping as he muttered to himself, "Oh, that ghost's in trouble this time. That wardrobe was a fine work of art, made from a golden apple tree! The Master Hand will have to listen to me this time-"

He abruptly cut himself off when he noticed the Super Guide envelope, and Mario couldn't blame him: he'd done a remarkably poor job returning the papers to it. Mario braced himself as Mido pulled the papers out, straightened them, and returned them to the envelope properly. This done, he opened a drawer and shoved the envelope inside. Then, he turned on Mario. "Did you read that?" he asked, his voice sounding much more dangerous than usual (which was saying something.)

"No," Mario quickly responded.

"You better not have," Mido said, looking angry, embarrassed, and scared all at once. "That is my most private- well, not mine, I got it from a student- well, I thought it might- but I would-"

Mario stared as he descended briefly into a series of ramblings. Finally, he pulled himself out, and turned on Mario. "Get out. And say _nothing, _you understand? I can't prove- but, if you didn't- but if you did- must be safe-"

Mario had already turned around at 'get out,' and was hurrying down the hall. He didn't particularly care to hear Mido's ramblings, and was perfectly happy to be running down the hall, having just escaped Mido's office without being punished, a feat that surely even Kirby and Meta hadn't achieved before.

"Did it work?" came a sudden voice as Mario rounded a corner.

That was Pit, leaning against a wall. Ignoring the question of how a ghost could lean against a wall, Mario nodded. "The Boo smashed something-"

"I know, I put him up to it!" Pit said. "I convinced him to smash something just over Mido's office! Didn't take much persuasion, truth be told..."

"Really?" Mario asked. "Thanks!"

And so it came to be that the two set off down the hall. Mario, glancing over, noticed that Pit still seemed a little upset about the club.

"I wish I could do something for you," Mario said offhandedly.

Pit suddenly stopped, and Mario found himself walking through him for the second time that night.

"There is!" Pit said, looking as though an idea had just occurred to him. "Mario, I would like- well, actually, it's a stupid idea, you wouldn't- but, then again-"

"What is it?"

"Well, each Halloween, we ghosts have a party down in the dungeons, and this year, it's my turn to host it."

"Okay..." Mario said, wondering what Pit was getting at.

"I've got some friends of mine coming in, and, well, I'd like to invite you. I guess that Link and Zelda could come, too, if they wanted- but maybe you'd rather go to the main party?"

"No, yeah, sure, we'll be there," Mario said, not allowing himself time to think.

"Awesome!" Pit said, beaming. "I'll have to let the others know! Mario Mario, at Pit's Halloween party! I doubt Gary can say something like that!"

XXXX

"A Halloween party- for ghosts?" Zelda mused when Mario approached her and Link with the idea. "Well, it would be an experience, that's for sure..."

"Not something I'd want to go to," Link grumbled- he was in a bad mood due to a nasty essay assigned by Wolf. "I don't know how ghosts celebrate things, but there's a reason that _living _people don't brag about going to those..."

"Yeah, but I did promise Pit I'd go," Mario said. "Even if he's dead, he's still our friend."

"Only in the smashing world would that sentence make sense," Zelda muttered.

"Yeah," Mario said. "Oh, by the way, have either of you ever heard of a _Super-"_

They were cut off by a loud explosion from the corner, where Kirby and Meta Knight, having decided to share some of their happiness with the rest of the world (it later turned out they'd finally broken the record for most detentions in a school career,) let off a large red, white, and blue firework. The eardrum-shattering blast was enough to take Mario's mind off of everything for a few moments.

XXXX

However, as you'd think, by the time Halloween had finally arrived, Mario was starting to regret his decision. Everyone else was greatly looking forward to the upcoming Halloween feast, and some of the rumors that Mario had overheard about it were marking it as one of the most spectacular parties the mansion had had in a while. Apparently Crazy's crops, whatever they were supposed to be, were all ready for decoration and consumption, with only a 33% chance of anything going awry. On top of that, it was said that the Master Hand was rumored to have hired a group of dancers from somewhere called 'Termina' for entertainment. Though Mario had never heard of such a place, it sounded interesting nonetheless.

However, when he shared this all with Zelda, she was somewhat less than amused. "How could you even think that?" she asked, a dangerous look starting on her face. "You told Pit you'd come, how could you even think of letting him down?"

Mario hadn't thought of it like that, and Zelda's eyes seemed to have a bit of fire in them as she spoke, so he decided, on the whole, it would be best to at least drop by Pit's party to say hello.

XXXX

And so it came to be that Halloween night found Mario, Link, and Zelda met in the Main Hall, passed up the Dining Hall, and headed down into the dungeons towards where Pit's party was to take place.

As they headed down through the halls, things began to grow increasingly dark. Usually, at the Smash Mansion, everything was kept lit by an unidentifiable light source, as though the building itself produced its own light. However, the dungeons, where Wolf taught, had always been kept lit by other means: namely, torches being kept in brackets along the walls. However, tonight, even those seemed to have been extinguished, leaving the lower hallways pitch black. Mario and Zelda both raised their hands. Mario snapped his fingers, and Zelda muttered, "Din's Fire," and the next second, they both had a handful of fire in their hands. (Yeah, as opposed to having a handful of fire in their feet.) Link, meanwhile, reached an area near his waist, where a pocket would be if he had them, and pulled out a fully-lit lantern.

"Whoa, Link, how did you do that?" Mario asked, turning to look at him.

"I found out last year that my special power is being really good with Hammer Space," Link said. "I thought you knew!"

"No, Gamer4 kind of neglected to mention that one last story!" Zelda muttered.

As they continued on down the passageway, it got even darker, until their fire and lantern were the only source of illumination. As they got closer to the dungeon Pit was holding his party in, strains of music began floating up to meet their ears. "That's kind of eery," Mario said. "It kind of sounds like the music from Luigi's Mansion."

"You've played that one?" Link asked in surprise. "I didn't think you'd like it, since- well, you know..."

"Yeah, well, it's still a good game on it's own, and-"

"I remember when these stories had a fourth wall," Zelda said. "Those were great times."

"Really?" Link asked. "_I _sure don't remember having a fourth wall."

"Well, I was introduced first."

"Actually, I'm pretty sure we were introduced in the _same chapter._"

"I could still have been introduced first."

As they continued arguing, Mario thought to himself, _I wonder how either of them can remember, it's been so long since just the _last _chapter..._

Suddenly, a ghost floated out of a wall that they recognized as Pit himself. "Ah, my friends," he said, putting on apparently the spookiest demeanor he could summon. "Welcome to my party. So glad you could make it."

"Yeah, why's it all dark?" Mario asked.

"Oh, sorry. We didn't really consider the lights. No retinas, you know."

"Wait-then how can you see at all?" Zelda objected.

For a moment, everyone was silent. Finally, Pit spoke. "You know, I really don't know," he admitted. "Anyways, I think we have a fair amount of light in there." As he spoke, he pointed at the wall behind him, which slid open like a door, revealing a room behind it. Any other situation, this would be strange, but Mario had long since come to expect things like this from the world of smashers.

As the group walked in, the first thing they noticed was that everything was indeed lit by a dark, eerie blue. There were several different ghosts dancing around the chamber. Some looked more lively than others, as much as an undead spirit can look lively. One ghost at the edge of the room was playing a large pipe organ, with still more ghosts flying out of the pipes each time a key was hit.

"Careful not to walk through anyone," Link commented.

For a moment, they just stood there, feeling somewhat bemused, before Mario finally said, "Well, might as well see if there's anything to do."

And so it came to be that they set off across the room, looking around for anything that might be of interest to the living. Link's eyes, trained as they were, found the first thing that he tended to look for at parties, namely, the food counter. "Over here," he said, beckoning to the others as he began making tracks for it.

"Typical Link," Zelda muttered, rolling her eyes. Mario shrugged and followed.

There was yet another ghost, this one the stereotypical bedsheet ghost, standing next to the food table, throwing eclairs into his mouth. However, the three recoiled as they approached, and it became rapidly apparent that all the food there was rotten. The eclairs that the ghost was tossing into his mouth had fuzz all over them, as they fell right through him onto the floor. The ghost turned as they approached. "Hey," he said, lowering his voice as his eyes raked over them. "Want any of the good stuff?"

"Umm... no?" Link said uncertainly.

"Hey, you don't have to be like that, we're friends, after all," the ghost insisted, producing a rotten eclair for Link. "Go on, take it."

Link uncertainly reached up and took it. "There you go," the ghost said. "No reason to be afraid. So, how's it been going back up in the world of the living?"

"Umm... not bad," Mario said, not sure what to say.

"Well, guess they can't be going _too _badly," the ghost acknowledged. "What brings you to these-" however, as he said this, his eyes rose up to fall on something else. "Ah, crud. Gotta float. See you."

"What is it?" Mario asked.

"Looks like the Poe might be headed this way," the ghost said. "I don't want to be here if he is."

"The Poe?" Mario wondered out loud as the ghost floated away.

"Yeah, we should probably move," Zelda said, suddenly sounding insistent.

"Why? Who's the Poe?" Link asked.

"He's another ghost, but he haunts the girl's locker room on the second floor."

"He haunts what?" Mario asked flatly.

"Yeah, the girl's locker room," Zelda sighed. "Everyone thought he was a- well, you know- for a while, but he never moved after everyone stopped using that one. No one really knows why he likes haunting that one place so much, but... well, as you can imagine, no one really uses that locker room anymore."

"Yeah, I'd imagine."

"Oh, how wude!" came a new voice, and they all whirled around to see none other than the Boo floating there, cackling as always. He was dressed in the stereotypical wizard hat and cape, bobbing up and down delightedly. "You always talk about other people that way?"

"How's it going, Boo?" Mario said, already preparing himself to run if necessary.

"You- you heard?" Zelda said uncertainly.

"Why you bein' so mean to him?" Boo asked, floating around and upside down. Mischief crackling in his eyes, he said, "Why, you never talk about someone behind their back! Let's call him over and see if _he _thinks it's funny! HEY, POE!"

"Dang it, Boo- hi, Poe!" Zelda said, changing gears at light speed as a new ghost approached them.

"Heeeeyyyy, hoooow's iiiiit gooooiiiing?" the Poe asked.

"Do you really have to do the voice?" Link asked.

"Iiiiiii dooooon't knoooooow whaaaaat yoooouuuuu meeeeaaaaan," the Poe said, still speaking in a stereotypical ghost voice.

"The voice. The ghost voice. All the other ghosts here can speak normally, why can't you?"

"Oh, sorry about that," the Poe said. "I just like adding a bit of drama, you know."

The Poe indeed stood out from the other ghosts. While, with other ghosts, it was generally possible to see their faces, the Poe's entire body was obscured by a large robe, except for a lantern he held in his hands. The only part of his face that was visible were a couple of pinpricks that were his eyes poking out of the shadows of his hood.

"You know what they were saying about you, Poe?" the Boo asked, leaning over, gleeful malice in his eyes.

"Oh, good, more people insulting me," the Poe muttered, looking over at them. "Great, glad to see I'm keeping the record alive. What was it this time, you little bastards?"

Mario stared. He'd never seen a ghost actually lash out at someone before. Zelda quickly said, "I was... I was just talking about how... about the nice place you picked out-"

"Ah, my living quarters, is it?" the Poe said. "Well, I'm sorry that my choice of living space doesn't live up to your _fascist _standards!"

"Fascist? It's the _girl's locker room,_" Link pointed out. "Besides, why are you so angry at us?"

"People were always making fun of me when I was alive!" the Poe said. "Now that I'm dead, all that's changed is that that's what people are making fun of me about! But the jokes on you, suckers! I'm dead, and you can't touch me!"

"No, but _I _can!" the Boo said, his eyes lighting up.

"Oh- I didn't mean-" the Poe started, backing away. Suddenly, the Boo rushed at him and began bouncing around, knocking into him.

"Bother! Bother! Bother! Bother!" he cried each time he made contact.

"Argh! Stop it! Stop it!" the Poe cried, flying away, still with the Boo in pursuit.

"Wow," Link muttered. "Those ghosts have issues."

"You're telling me," said a passing ghost they recognized as the ghost who'd been by the food counter.

"So, how are things going?" came yet another voice. They turned to see a smiling Pit flying towards them. "It's a good turnout, all in all, even the Sierra Shade managed to come over."

"Yeah, it's awesome!" Mario said, hoping his enthusiasm didn't come across as too fake, as Link and Zelda simply nodded.

"Well, I'm the host," Pit said, "so I guess it's time for my speech!"

As he said this, he began moving over to the center of the room. As he did, several other ghosts began turning to face him. "My good ladies and gentlemen," he said, slipping into an olden-days style accent, "my dearly departed, it is-"

"Oh, hey, Pit, how's it going?" came a sudden voice. Out of the throng of ghosts, a new one stood up. He was dressed in blue clothing, and his hair fell messily around his head. He wore a belt of some kind around his waist.

Pit simply shot him a quick glare before trying to return to his speech again. "My dearly departed," he repeated, "it is-"

"Nice party you've put together here, though, I have to give you that!" the ghost interrupted again. "I bet all the three-year-olds in the audience are very impressed!"

There was a quiet ripple of laughter through the crowd, and Pit looked angrier than ever. "As I was saying," he grunted, starting to grow louder.

"But seriously!" the ghost- who Mario guessed was Gary- continued on. "If there's any Halloween party going on tonight, it's the one across the hallway!" As he spoke, he reached into his pocket and pulled out an item that Mario recognized as a pokeball, a device used to capture pokemon. "And this is our lead singer! I just thought you'd want to hear a bit of her lovely singing voice!" He pressed the button on the front of the ball, and it popped open. There was a flash of light, and out came a Jigglypuff.

Only five of the people there seemed to recognize the full implications of what he'd just done: Mario, Link, and Zelda had had an... experience with Jigglypuff's the previous Christmas, that they'd agreed to never speak of again. The other two were Pit and Gary himself. Within a second, Mario, Link, and Zelda had abandoned the room, while Pit shouted out Gary, attempting, apparently, to drown out Jigglypuff's voice.

"That was close," Link muttered, once they were outside. The others had no problem agreeing.

"Come on, we might as well go up to the main feast," Mario muttered, starting off in that direction. "We weren't gone too long, there might still be some good food left."

The other two agreed, and they were on the point of heading in that direction when Mario stopped dead in his tracks.

"What is it?" Zelda asked.

Mario was listening. He'd heard it again, very faintly. That voice that had been saying those painfully stock horror phrases last chapter was speaking again. He listened carefully. "Zuul!" it was saying this time.

"Mario, what's wrong?" Link asked, drawing closer.

"It's that voice again!" Mario said. Listening closer, he heard,

"I am the gate, and I am the key! The blood of this mansion will be mine!"

"Oh, crud," Mario said, running. "It's using more generic horror phrases!"

"Like what?" Link asked, running after him.

"Mario, I can't hear anything!" Zelda called out, running nonetheless.

Mario followed the voice, up, out of the dungeon, and into the Main Hall. From the Dining Hall, they could hear some random screams, and see some flashes of light. Link and Zelda naturally turned towards this, but Mario, pursuing a different audio source, completely ignored these, and began running up the staircase.

"Wha- Mario!" Zelda said exasperatedly, turning and running after him instead. Link stood there, momentarily torn, before following his friends.

Mario kept running, up to the second floor, and continued pursuing the voice along the second floor's main hallway. Zelda and Link followed close on his tail.

"Mario, come on, what exactly are you looking- oof!" Link was cut off as he slammed into a suddenly stopped Mario. However, Mario hardly budged. He was stopped dead in the middle of the hallway, gazing up at something up on the wall.

"Mario, what is it?" Zelda asked, finally catching up with them, panting heavily, and she, too, froze when she looked up at what Mario was seeing.

"Way to go there, Mario, what was that all about?" Link asked, getting to his feet. Without speaking or moving his head, Mario reached over and turned Link's head towards what they were seeing. Link's voice seemed to get stuck in his throat.

Up above them on the wall was a small poem, and a message.

"That is not dead which can eternally lie,

and with strange eons, even death may die."

The Dungeon of Secrets is open.

The Smash Bros. Horror unleashed.

And the world will now be cleansed.

Laying across the floor in front of this message was the motionless body of Louise, Mido's treasured pet cat.

"...We should go," Zelda finally said.

"Yeah," Mario and Link agreed. However, as they turned to hightail it out of there, large groups of students started flocking up, somehow blocking their escape in both directions. Mario couldn't help notice that several of them seemed to be carrying strange burns or be covered in ash, looking somewhat disgruntled. However, they all stopped when they saw the message on the wall, and the cat beneath. A swift silence fell.

Finally, one student broke it. The three turned to see Bowser pushing his way through to the front of the crowd. "Time for the world to be cleansed, huh?" he asked, a nasty grin on his face. "Well, it'll be you wollywogs who go first, won't it?"

Mario couldn't explain why, but the words chilled him to the bone.

_XXXX_

Do I dare look at the calendar? ... No. No, I don't dare. I hope it's just enough that I'm finally getting a chapter out after all this time. Please forgive me! (Runs off dramatically sobbing.) Well, no point in dragging this out much longer. Please R&R, constructive criticism openly welcomed, flames dumped into trash, Gamer4 out.


	9. At the Mansion of Madness

Gamer4 in. And with another obscure horror reference, let's begin the next chapter, and hopefully finish it before another 9 months pass.

Disclaimer: If my jail time for my last disclaimer has taught me anything, it's that I don't actually own Harry Potter or Super Smash Bros. in place of J. K. Rowling and Nintendo.

Chapter IX

At the Mansion of Madness

Abruptly, another voice cut across the others. "What's this, what's going on here, you little-"

Mario winced as the speaker appeared and suddenly silenced. It was Mido, cut off as his eyes fell on the sight of the cat laying across the floor.

"What... What the-" he stammered, a look of horror crossing his face. "What- what is this- I don't even-"

And then his desperately roving eyes fell on Mario, and his horror instantly changed to rage. "Ah. Now it all makes sense. So, you killed my cat, huh? Well, there's only one thing to do now. I'm going to kill you. You hear that? I'LL KILL YOU!"

"At ease, Mido," came a sudden voice, and the crowd parted to reveal the Master Hand floating through, followed closely by Wolf, Samus, and Tingle. "Now, what's going on-" Here, whatever the Master Hand had in place of eyes seemed to fall on the message on the wall, hovering over the fallen cat. When he next spoke, his tone had become deadly serious. "Everybody get back to their dorms. Now. Everyone except-" he added, as everyone began shuffling towards their dorms, "You three." His large stature left no doubt in anyone's mind as to whom he was indicating. "Mido, you'd better come too." With that, he floated over and scooped up Louise.

Tingle bounced forward, eager as ever. "You know, sir, my office is probably the closest of the teachers'... If you needed a quick place to-"

"Yes, of course," the Master Hand agreed. "Lead the way."

And so it came to be that the group headed off: Tingle leading the way, bouncing on his feet like an overexcited child, with the Master Hand, Wolf, and Samus behind him, Wolf with an unpleasant smirk on his face, and Samus with her brow furrowed. Behind them came Mario, Link, and Zelda, trudging along. Mario couldn't help but notice that all of the teachers ahead of them bore strange scorch marks, seemingly related to whatever had happened at the Halloween feast. Maybe it hadn't been so bad that they'd missed it after all.

As they entered Tingle's office, Tingle did his strange backflip-and-clap thing again, calling out, "Tingle, Tingle, Kooloo-Limpah!" As he did, an orb of light came from his watch and flew to the center of the ceiling to illuminate the chamber. He then began to eagerly bounce around the room with an excitement completely disproportionate to what was happening. The Master Hand somberly laid Louise on the desk in the center of the room and began to examine her, with Samus and Wolf watching from the other side. Mido, meanwhile, collapsed, sobbing, into a nearby chair. Mario, Link, and Zelda followed his example somewhat, collapsing into a sofa nearby, looking nervously at each other. If the Master Hand thought that they'd had something to do with this...

The Master Hand, with a flash of light, had shifted to his human form, in order to get closer to Louise with less chance of damage. Samus was bent over, ruffling the cat's fur, while Wolf stood off to the side, his smirk growing larger by the second. All the while, Tingle was dancing around them, throwing out random, likely pointless suggestions, all the while lamenting his lack of involvement.

Slightly beneath this was the sound of Mido's sorrow. Even for all his hate for the man, Mario felt a bit of pity for him now. Louise was, after all, his sole companion. He'd probably feel more sympathy, however, if his continued time at the Smash Mansion wasn't on the line.

Now Samus had her power controller- her gun, that is- out, and was gently prodding at the cat, while the Master Hand had some light glowing at the end of one gloved hand. With the sparkly gloved hand, Mario couldn't help being reminded of a certain other smasher. However, whatever they were trying to do, nothing seemed to help.

Mario, trying to take his mind off things, decided to throw some glances around the room. However, the sight of a large statue of Tingle at the back of the room put him off of this desire, driving him back to watching the Master Hand and Samus.

Finally, the two stood, with the Master Hand shifting back to his true form. Guessing they were done, Mario, Link, and Zelda all turned to see what the verdict was.

The Master Hand cleared his currently non-existent throat. "She's not dead, Mido."

Tingle, who'd been busy showing off his world record for number of midair backflips, literally stopped in midair to stare. "Wait, what?"

"What do you mean?" Mido asked, looking as though he hardly dared to believe it. "She's not moving, she's stiff- how is she not dead?"

"She's... a statue," Samus said, looking at the cat with a strange look on her face. "It's strange, I've never seen anything like this before."

Mido, knowing his cat was still alive, now fell back on the only thing he knew how to do: finger suspects. "Well, if you want to know, ask him!" he shouted, turning on Mario. "Who else could it have been?"

"This couldn't be his work," Samus broke in. "Turning things to stone is part of the most evil branches of smashing. I doubt any student below Senior Year- and even then, it's unlikely- could do something like this."

"He's the only one who could have done it!" Mido insisted. "He had the motive! You saw what he wrote on the wall, you know that story, and he knows that I'm- I'm- a scrub!"

Ignoring Link giving a shocked-sounding snigger at this, Mario leapt to his feet. "I didn't touch Louise!" he insisted. "I don't even know what a scrub _is!_"

"Like crud!" Mido snarled. "I know you read about the Super Guide!"

"Objection!" came a sudden cry from another corner of the room, and Mario, Link, and Zelda jumped as a sudden large white spot appeared with the word itself in it, then quickly disappeared. Turning, they saw, to their surprise, Wolf stepping forward from the corner. However, they didn't allow any hope for themselves: they doubted he'd have anything good to say.

"What is it, Wolf?" the Master Hand asked, and even he sounded surprised.

"I just wanted to submit my take on it," Wolf sneered. "And it seems to me that, if Mario _did _do it, that _legend _isn't exactly likely to be his motivation. However, he does seem to have had the opportunity: I don't remember seeing him at the... er... _feast._"

"To be fair, there was quite a commotion at the time," Samus said, gesturing to her burns. "You know, what with Crazy's 'special crop' coming to life, and all that."

"Well, we could ask R.O.B., the Nintendo prefect," Wolf suggested. "He'd know if they were accounted for during the evacuation."

Zelda interjected. "You don't need to bother, we weren't there," she admitted. "We were at the Halloween party that the ghosts host every year."

Link gave a snort. "Ghost host," he muttered, before standing up. Shaking off his moment of humor, he added, "Yeah, and there were a ton of ghosts there, assuming that they're still awake, you can ask them."

"Still awake?" the Master Hand asked, and they got the feeling that his eyebrows would be raised if he had them.

"Jigglypuff," Zelda explained. That's all it took. No one needed any further explanation.

"However, you obviously didn't join the feast afterwards," Wolf insisted. "Unless you filled yourself up on rotten eclairs. And it still doesn't explain why you just happened to be up in that hallway."

"It... it..." Mario stammered. Somehow, honesty didn't seem like the best policy in this case. Finally, he simply said, "We weren't really hungry, and we'd heard a _bit _of Jigglypuff's song, so-"

"I return to the point of the rotten eclairs," Wolf said, his smirk returning. "It becomes more and more obvious that you're lying. And until you are ready for full honesty, I would recommend a punishment of some kind." As he said this, his eyes flicked towards the Master Hand and Samus. "Perhaps the confiscation of your kart?"

"Relax, Wolf," Samus said, stepping forward. "The case against Mario is flimsy, at best. We've established that he doesn't have the power necessary to do something like this- the means- you yourself pointed out that he has no motive, and the only thing against him is the _possibility _that he had an opportunity. There is no evidence at all that he's done anything wrong."*

"Master!" Wolf said exasperatedly, turning to the Master Hand. "Surely you see-"

The Master Hand shifted quickly to human form. He took a seat in front of Mario, and reached into his pocket, pulling out a strange object resembling half the yin-yang symbol, with the spot acting as a hole through which to put a necklace. He gently waved it around a bit, focusing on Mario. "Did you do it?" he asked.

"No!" Mario said honestly.

The Master Hand was silent for a couple moments, then returned the object to his pocket and shifted back into a hand. "Not guilty," he declared.

It was hard to tell who was more angry at this proclamation: Wolf or Mido. "I want to see whoever did this _punished!_" Mido shouted. "I want to see his intestines on the roof! I want-"

"Relax, Mido," the Master Hand said. "There is a cure. Daisy has some Boku Babas that she's been using for lessons. When they're mature enough for their seeds to bear their usual fruit, we can extract some and use them to prepare a power-up to revive your cat."

"Good thing I'm here, then!" Tingle interrupted. "Don't need much else with one of the greatest smashers ever-"

"Back off!" Wolf snarled, shoving Tingle to the ground as he moved forward. He immediately bounced up again, still grinning. Wolf continued. "Need I remind you that _I _am the master of power-ups here?"

"However, I still think I am more versed in the evils than you are, dear Wolf!" Tingle insisted.

"Oh, you do, do you?" Wolf growled, turning on him.

"You three should go," the Master Hand said quickly to Mario, Link, and Zelda. They didn't need to be told twice: they turned and ran for it.

As was natural for them, the first thing they did was to turn into an empty room, check around for the Boo, and then turn to each other. It was only here that Mario voiced his worry. "Do you guys think I should have told them the truth? About the painfully generic horror phrases?"

"Heck no," Link said. "I know we're different from muggles-"

"That's putting it lightly," Zelda muttered.

"-but even for us, hearing voices isn't a good sign," Link concluded.

Mario looked up, and saw that Link wasn't quite meeting his eyes. "Wait- _you _believe me, right?"

"Oh, of course!" Link said quickly, looking back up. "But still, this isn't the kind of thing that happens every day."

"Yeah, you've got me there," Mario agreed. "Though, it does seem like the teachers knew something. They were talking about that legend- think it has anything to do with that... um... _dungeon of secrets _they were talking about?"

"Well, it must be important, if it's in the title," Zelda pointed out.

"Yeah," Link agreed. "But, you know, I think I've heard something about this before. I think it was Midna- she told me a story about something like that once. Can't remember much about it, though..."

"But what _I'm _really wondering," Mario continued, "is what the heck a _scrub _is."

Once again, Link gave a sudden snort. "Oh, that's easy," he said. "Though," he added, sobering up, "it wouldn't be funny if it weren't Mido. A scrub is an animal that lives in the wild- it's pretty much the weakest animal that still qualifies as a 'smasher' animal. So, people use it as a slur against- well, basically they're muggles born into smasher families. Like a reverse muggle-born. It would explain why he's trying to learn smashing from a Super Guide, at least," he finished, and returned to his little chortle.

Zelda opened her mouth, perhaps to reprimand him, but she was cut off as a clock struck midnight. While I was sleeping. And I heard a tapping at my door-

"Okay, it's midnight!" Mario interrupted. "And since it looks like the writer's having some kind of seizure, I recommend we just go to bed."

Link and Zelda quickly nodded and rushed out. Then I looked, but nothing lay in the darkness, so I turned inside once more...

XXXX

And so it came to be that the new subject to discuss at the Smash Mansion was the attack on Louise, and the cryptic message on the wall. Mido wouldn't exactly let any them forget even if they wanted to, though. Despite his (fruitless) attempts to clean the message off of the wall, he made dang sure that everyone remembered the attack by constantly patrolling the hall where it had happened, and letting his mood become worse than ever, now attacking students for even more mundane reasons than usual- and given his former reputation, this was saying something.

The most distressed person that Mario knew was Peach: according to Link, she loved cats.

"Oh, don't worry," Mario heard Link assuring her one day. "She's only gone for the year, and that'll be like a year-long vacation. Louise hardly qualifies as a cat anyways. And the teachers here know what they're doing: whoever did this, he'll be caught and out of here in no time. Heck, if we're lucky, they'll even get Wolf first!" Mario had turned away by this point, but he heard a loud clanging noise, like a metal pot had collided with a human head.

Zelda, however, had a different tactic for handling the situation: different from Peach, but expected to anyone who knew her: reading. While she'd been an avid reader before, she was now genuinely starting to scare Mario and Link, and for a few days, neither of them heard anything from her at all.

The story, however, doesn't pick up until four days after the incident, as Link met Mario outside of power-ups class, where he'd been held back as punishment for adding the wrong amount of ether to the power-up of the day. (He'd put in 3/4 of a cup instead of 6/8.)

As he exited the room, Link stood up, putting away the glue with which he'd lately been attempting to repair his sword. "Ready?" he said. Mario nodded, and the two started off upstairs.

For the next few minutes, they were working on an essay for Pikachu, who taught about weapons. Link was growing increasingly frustrated at his lack of ability to fill up the necessary space when they were interrupted by a very agitated-looking Zelda appearing from behind a nearby bookshelf.

"Gone!" she muttered, coming over and taking a seat. "Not a single one!"

"Umm... not a single _what, _exactly?" Link asked, gladly putting the essay aside.

"Every single copy of _History of the Smash Mansion _is already checked out!" Zelda explained agitatedly, leaning back in her chair. "Even if I put a hold on one, it'll take a few weeks for it to actually come in!"

"Wait, don't you have your own copy?" Mario asked, his eyebrows raised. He couldn't grasp the concept of their being a book Zelda hadn't read yet."

"I left it at home," she grumbled. "There wasn't enough room in my luggage."

"Okay, why do you want it?" Mario asked.

"Why does everyone else want it?" Zelda countered. "I want to read about the Dungeon of Secrets!"

"Why do you need a book for that?" Mario asked. "Just hop on a computer and-"

"The _place, _Mario, not the _story!" _Zelda interrupted. "Everyone's talking about the legend, but I only remember the name from the book, and no other book even mentions it!"

"Yeah, yeah, that's great," Link came into the conversation. "You mind looking over my essay?"

It was a mark of how agitated Zelda was that she accepted the paper Link pushed towards her without question.

Overhead, the bell rang. That was the cue for the next class: History of Smashing. Mario sighed as he, Link, and Zelda prepared to head down to it. It was taught by Mr. Andonuts, who was unanimously agreed by the students to be the dullest teacher in the history of any school ever. Ironically, it was rumored that he'd actually had an exciting life, though no one seemed to be able to agree on what he'd done, but it didn't exactly matter now: he was a ghost, and he had only one way of teaching his class. He'd come in, sit down, and read from the textbook while everyone else followed along and took notes- or rather, caught up on their sleeping, using their textbooks as pillows.

However, something was different today. As everyone sat down at their usual spots, with Mario, Link, and Zelda naturally taking seats near each other, an entirely different ghost appeared from the spot that Mr. Andonuts usually entered from. "Hello, class!" the ghost said brightly. Mario looked up in surprise: it was the ghost that they'd met at Pit's party, the one in the bedsheet who'd given them the rotten eclairs. "I'm your substitute teacher for today, Andonuts isn't feeling well."

"Wait, how can a _ghost _get sick!" interjected Duster, who had the class with them.

"He ate some rotten eclairs," the ghost explained.

"But I thought those were like a ghost delicacy!" Link objected.

"A _lot _of rotten eclairs," the ghost said. "Relax. Anyways, I'm Adam, you can just call me that. He left me some notes, he said to go through the forming of the Smasher's High Court today, and he left me the book, so let's get started!"

They quickly learned that Adam wasn't much more exciting than Mr. Andonuts. It was a good half hour before anything truly different happened: Mario looked up at one point to see, to his shock, Zelda raising her hand.

Adam looked up and saw it too. "Ah, yes, Ms... what is it again?"

"Zelda Hyrule," Zelda said. "I just wanted to know, could you tell us anything about the Dungeon of Secrets?"

This caught the attention of every student in the room unlike anything that Mr. Andonuts had ever done. Most of the students in the usual stupor looked up right away as they heard this, paying attention to anything that either Adam or Zelda might say next.

For some reason, Adam seemed somewhat satisfied. "The Dungeon of Secrets, you say?" he asked. "Not exactly the stuff of history. It _is_ a legend, isn't it?"

"Objection!" Zelda cried, and once again, everyone stared as the word itself appeared in a bright white stamp-like thing. "Doesn't a legend have a basis in fact?"

"Well, I can't argue that," Adam said, seeming even more satisfied than before. "Alright. You probably should know the story, anyways..."

Looking around, Adam cleared his throat. "The story begins, of course, with the building of the Smash Mansion, and the founding of the Smash Bros. School. The ones who constructed it were, at the time, the four greatest and most revered smashers, who each built a group of their own so they could teach the students that they personally liked the best. There was Chugga Conroy, who founded Nintendo, Nintendo Capri Sun, who, ironically enough, founded Hal, Josh Jepson, who founded Retro, and Proton Jon, who founded Sierra."**

"For a while," Adam continued after a moment, "the school was run peacefully, because these four were great friends. However, a few years down the line, a disagreement arose between them, most notably between Chugga and Proton. Proton wanted to be more- er, _selective_- about the students allowed into the school. That is, he wanted to make sure that muggle-borns were kept outside, and only students with some smashing family learned the secrets that the school had to teach."

"Keep in mind, of course," Adam added, "that this _was _a more reasonable fear at the time, since muggle-borns, when found out by the intolerant muggles of those days, would often infiltrate smasher organizations and sell them out to the muggles for 'forgiveness.' This much explains his fears, but Chugga disagreed. He wanted anyone with smasher abilities to be able to come to the school to learn how to control them. After a while, there was a large debate on the subject, and, seeing himself outnumbered three to one, Proton left the school."

"This much we can know for sure, through reliable sources," Adam continued. "However, some people insist that the story doesn't end there. They insist that, before leaving, Proton built a secret dungeon in the mansion, then locked it up, until an heir came to the school to finish his work. Only that person would be able to open it up and use the thing inside to safeguard the school from the muggle-borns that he distrusted so much."

It was silent for a moment, each of the students staring up at Adam with their eyes wide. Finally, Duster shakily raised his hand. "What- what's the _thing _that Jon apparently left in the Dungeon?"

"According to the legend, he left behind some sort of monster," Adam stated. Mario couldn't decide if it would be more or less creepy if he hadn't stated this so matter-of-factly. Seeing the worried looks on all their faces, Adam quickly added, "Well, of course the mansion's been gone over many times with a fine-toothed comb. I think, if the Dungeon existed, it would have been found by now. So, let's just put that aside, and see what else Mr. Andonuts wanted you to learn today..."

XXXX

And so it came to be that, a while after the class had ended, Mario, Link, and Zelda were to be found walking through the halls, discussing what Adam had told them.

"Never figured Jon could be all that good news, since he founded Sierra," Link was saying, "But I never guessed that he's the one who started this pure-blood stuff. Never trust anyone with Sierra, I guess."

"Well, it's like Adam said," Zelda interjected. "It was a more reasonable fear at the time, he just didn't expect that times would change so much."

"I still wouldn't be in Sierra if you paid me," Link insisted. "Doesn't matter what _Jon's _ideals were, they're still carrying on the prejudice now."

Zelda didn't seem to have any argument against this one, but Mario said nothing, choosing instead to shift a little uncomfortably. The truth was, Nintendo had been the Sorting F.L.U.D.D.'s second choice when placing him: he'd only avoided Sierra due to his own desire to be placed anywhere else. Even now, the F.L.U.D.D.'s voice echoed in his ears: _Not Sierra? _it had asked, almost like it was trying to tempt him. _Are you sure? Some of the greatest smashers have been in Sierra. A group like that would help you to glory, no doubt about it..._

Mario was snapped out of his reverie when he felt someone ram into him. "Sorry," he grumbled, but then noticed that the person was Pichu.

"Oh, I don't mind!" Pichu said, bouncing up and down in excitement. "How's it been going? I heard you were right front and center when they found the words on the wall, is that right? Was it cool? Scary? I've heard people saying that you're-"

Mario was intensely thankful that the hallway was pretty crowded, as the crowd started pushing Pichu away.

"What have they been saying?" Zelda asked aloud.

"Who knows?" Mario thought out loud.

As they continued down the corridor, Link started talking again. "Still, it does make you wonder: is this dungeon place real, or is it just some whackjob having fun with paint?"

"I don't know for sure," Zelda said, "but the teachers seemed to be taking it a little seriously for a legend, and the Master Hand and Samus working together couldn't do anything for Louise, so it does seem like there's a little more to it..."

"Aaaand, we're back here," Mario put in, as they turned a corner to find themselves in the hallway where the attack had occurred. The only two differences from Halloween were the lack of a cat below the words, and the presence of the stool that Mido had been using to keep watch over the site.

For a moment, they looked at each other. "Want to do a bit of poking around?" Link suggested.

Mario hesitated. The previous year, he'd made a private oath to stop meddling in things that didn't concern him. Then again, his attempts to follow through on that oath had had semi-disastrous consequences, and- well, he could _technically _say it was his business, since Wolf and Mido, at least, still had him on their suspect lists.

"Couldn't hurt," he finally said. The three of them spread out around the hall, looking at the floor, walls, and ceiling, looking for anything that could help them.

Mario, examining the floor, noticed something strange. "Does the floor of the mansion usually crack like this?" he asked, running his hands over deep cracks in the floor, at periodic intervals along the hall.

"That's not typical, no," Zelda agreed, coming over to see them. "In fact, I thought the mansion wasn't supposed to be able to crack like that."

Link, who was over examining the windows, suddenly turned as green as his tunic. Turning to the others, he said, "Well, I don't think there's any point hanging around here, mightaswellgetgoingrightnowseeya!" With that, he made to leave the hall.

"What is it?" Zelda interjected, jumping to her feet.

"Oh, nothing," Link said, stopping momentarily.

"What is-" Zelda pressed.

"Spiders," Mario said, seeing them. There was a long line of them climbing up the walls and out the windows. "It's all right, Link, you don't have to go near them!"

"Yeah, all right," Link said, looking slightly ashamed nonetheless.

"This isn't normal either," Zelda put in, examining the spiders closely. "They don't usually move like this..."

"What doesn't?" came a new voice, and they turned to see Adam floating down the hall.

"Oh, we were just looking at some spiders," Zelda said, pointing to them. "For... power-ups class."

"Power-ups, huh?" Adam asked, coming over to look at them. "What do spiders have to do with power-ups?"

"Uh... venom!" Zelda said, clearly inventing wildly on the spot. "Spider venom is a common ingredient in power-ups!"

"It is?" both Adam and Link asked at the same time: Adam sounded interested, Link horrified.

"Uh, yeah, like... like in poison shrooms!" Zelda said.

"Yeah, please don't talk to me about mushrooms," Adam said, reaching up to scratch his head. "But why out here? You're not investigating the Dungeon of Secrets, are you?"

"No, of course not!" Mario said, sounding painfully obvious. "Why would we?"

"Oh, no reason, it's just that you're right across from where the attack happened," Adam said, nodding at the opposite wall, where the message still shone clearly.

"No, we're really just here for the spiders," Mario insisted.

"I see," Adam said, still not sounding quite convinced. "Well, it's none of my business anyways. I'd recommend moving along, though. The Poe had a fit earlier today, Mido just finished mopping up the water..."

"The Poe!" Zelda suddenly said, snapping her fingers.

"What about him?" Adam asked in surprise.

"Oh, nothing, he just- owes me money!"

"A ghost- owes you money?" Adam asked, bewildered.

"Yeah!" Zelda said.

"Must have been some poker game. Anyways, I feel like I've gotten enough screentime this chapter, I'll go head off now. See you later."

"Yeah, great, later!" Zelda said, and they watched as Adam floated away.

"What _about _the Poe?" Mario asked of Zelda the moment he was sure Adam was out of earshot.

"He lives in that girl's locker room right over there!" Zelda said, indicating a door near the message on the wall. "Maybe he saw what happened that night!"

"If he's willing to talk," Mario said skeptically.

"Well, you never know 'til you try, right?" Zelda pointed out, heading over and pulling the door open, motioning for the two boys to enter. Mario headed in, with Link following somewhat reluctantly behind.

It was the most pathetic excuse for a locker room that Mario had ever seen. There was a grand total of one locker in the whole place, sitting forlornly next to a single toilet in a stall. There was a row of showers, and everything seemed to be torn, tattered, or broken.

Zelda, motioning for silence, tiptoed over to the locker, and suddenly lashed out at it, striking it on the top. It popped open right away. Out of it shot the same robed, lantern-carrying specter they'd met at the Halloween party. "Hey, Poe, how are you?" Zelda asked, trying to sound cheery.

"What are _you three _doing here?" the Poe asked. "This is my private-"

"Well, we're sorry that our plans for after school don't fit your _fascist _standards," Zelda interrupted.

The Poe hung in the air for a moment, dumbfounded. "Well, I can't say many people have stood up to me before," he said. "Strange feeling. Not a bad one though. Huh. Good one, though- using my own- but then-" for a few moments longer, he rambled to himself, before finally focusing on them again. "Alright, what are you doing here?" he asked, sounding much more polite than before.

Mario mouthed at her, _Ask him, alright?_

"I thought that was the plan," Zelda said.

"What was that?!" the Poe asked, instantly flaring up again. "What did he just whisper to you. What was the plan? More people coming to lynch-"

"Whoah, whoah, whoah, hold up!" Zelda interjected. "No one's talking about a _lynching. _How could we anyways, you're dead!"

"People are always coming in here to try and kick me off my turf. Well, let me tell you, I've been here for _years _now, and I have no intent of leaving just because some stupid sign declares this the _girl's _locker room!"

"No one wants to-" Link started to say.

"Like _crud!_" the Poe raged, and it was clear he wasn't going to stop now that he was on a roll. "You know who decides how this all works? The _Patriots! _You know them as the La li lu le-"

"We really don't need to hear this," Zelda interrupted. "We just need to ask you a quick question. A cat was attacked right outside your door on Halloween, and wrote a message on the wall. Did you see anything?"

The Poe calmed again. "No, I didn't see anything. I was a little too busy running from that _****_, the Boo. But yeah, I've heard about the attack. And I can tell you right where it's coming from!"

"The _Patriots, _right?" Link muttered.

"You can deny it all you want!" the Poe declared. "But I will prove to all of you-"

"Yeah, we should get going now," Link said, beckoning the other two out of the room. The Poe's ranting followed them out into the hallway until they shut the door on him. "Trust me, we don't need any help from someone talking about the _Patriots,_" Link said.

"I... I don't suppose so," Zelda said.

"What are the Patriots?" Mario asked.

"It's an old smasher conspiracy theory. Maybe I'll explain it later," Link said. "But really, it's the most ridiculous thing-"

"Link!" came a strange deadpan voice that still managed to sound shocked. "What are you _doing?!_"

They turned to see Rob standing at the end of the hallway, expressing a remarkable amount of emotion for a robot. "That's a _girl's _locker room!" he shouted, charging towards them as fast as he could. "What were you _thinking?_"

"We were just looking around for- spiders," Link said, remembering their cover story.

"Like I'll believe that, you arachniphobe!" Rob said. "You're coming back up here when everyone else is at dinner! Do you realize what this looks like?"

"No!" Link said, flaring up. "What, pray tell, does it look like?! None of us touched Louise!"

"Try telling that to Peach!" Rob raged. "She's out of her _mind _worrying about you and what's happening here! Can't you think of _her, _at least?"

"You sure aren't!" Link retorted. "You just don't want us messing up your chances of getting the big job!"

For a moment, Rob made a strange sound like he was choking, then spun around on his base and quickly was gone.

XXXX

That night in the dorms, Link was back to trying to repair his sword with super glue. Despite Zelda's extreme doubt that it would work, he was still determined to repair it to the best of his abilities, and was putting it back together, piece by piece. The cracks were still very visible, and he was only about half done, but it was at least starting to resemble a sword again. Tonight, however, Link looked very clearly agitated. Finally, he simply tossed his work to the side. To Mario's great surprise, Zelda immediately closed the book she was looking through and tossed it aside as well.

"_I _just want to know who it is!" she said.

"Were you two talking about something while I was distracted?" Mario asked, closing his own book.

"No," Zelda said, "but you'd think that would be an important point! I mean, there's someone here trying to get all the scrubs and muggle-borns out of the Smash Mansion with a centuries-old monster!"

"Well, I know one person that sounds like," Link said, leaning back. "Forgive me if I'm going out on a limb, here, but who can we _guess _it is? Someone who thinks anyone without smashers in their family tree belong on the soles of his shoes- well, he would if he _wore _shoes?"

"_Bowser?_" Zelda said, looking skeptical.

"Of course!" Link said. "Didn't you hear him last chapter? Quote: 'Time for the world to be cleansed, huh? Well, it'll be you wollywogs who go first, won't it?' Unquote."

"But still!" Zelda insisted.

"Well, if you look at his family, it makes a certain amount of sense," Mario agreed. "The way he acts, it wouldn't be that surprising if he were directly descended from Jon. Remember the last story? The F.L.U.D.D. put him in Sierra almost before it touched his back."

"His father would probably have told him how," Link speculated. "And Ghirahim's dad would have told him, and _his _father would have told him..."

"Okay, so Bowser is a possibility," Zelda said, putting on a face that Mario recognized as her 'taking mental notes' face.

"But we're forgetting the most important thing: proof," Mario added. "And unless we can get Bowser himself to confess..."

"Well, I've given that some thought, actually," Zelda said, "and-"

"_When?" _Link asked. "We _just _thought of the theory!"

"Yeah, but I'm not an idiot. I guessed as soon as this mystery started that you'd blame Bowser. Anyways," she continued, ignoring Mario and Link's stunned faces, "there _is _a way we could interrogate him, without him ever realizing it's us. Wolf was talking about it earlier, it's called a transformo-candy."

"_What?_" Mario interrupted. "I'm sorry, but _what?"_

"_I'm _not the one who came up with the name!" Zelda objected.

"Yeah, but whoever _did," _Link said, adding in a cough that sounded suspiciously like 'Gamer4!" "should be drug out into the street and shot."

XXXX

Gamer4, sitting behind his computer, stared. "Why do all my characters hate me all of a sudden?" he wondered out loud, then continued writing.

XXXX

"Anyways, what does it do?" Mario asked.

"Pretty much exactly what it says on the tin," Zelda said. "It transforms you into someone else. You see? We could disguise ourselves as three Sierra students, sneak into their dorms, and Bowser would probably tell us anything we needed to know!"

"I wouldn't put all my chips on that one," Link said skeptically. "Something's _bound _to go wrong, especially in a story like this."

"No, don't worry, it wears off," Zelda said. "If it's prepared right, there's nothing to worry about!"

"Did you just hear that?" Mario suddenly asked.

"More voices?" Link and Zelda asked anxiously.

"No, it didn't sound like the voice, it sounded more like the author was laughing maniacally."

"Still certain?" Link asked, turning to Zelda.

"Yeah..." she said, though her face didn't show it. "The only problem I can think of is getting our hands on the book for it. Wolf mentioned it, and it's a book that's probably in the restricted section."

The group looked at each other: for students to look through the restricted books, they needed to write out a request form and have a teacher sign off on it.

"Well, that plan's dashed," Link muttered, returning to his sword. "No teacher will give us permission to look in those books, not this year. Anything we could think up, they wouldn't believe it. Not unless they were dumber than those Mr. Batties..."

Suddenly, Mario looked up at Link. Link looked up to see both Mario and Zelda looking at him. Guessing what they were thinking, he said, "No. Not doing it. No freaking way."

Mario couldn't help grinning.

_XXXX_

*Three guesses what I've been playing lately.

** No offense meant to anyone in real life who may or may not bear similar-ish names.

-and still the raven remains in my room. No matter how much I implore... no words can sooth him... no prayer remove him... and I must hear forevermore-

Whoah, hey, how's it going? I wasn't doing anything weird, really! I've just been working long and hard to get this chapter out without the usual months-long hiatus. I'm trying to turn over a new leaf. Let's see how much I succeed. Anyways, now introducing the Mario Mario series drinking game! Starting from Hylian Stone, read through, and take a shot any time the word 'smash' or any variant appears! And if you're still alive when you get to this chapter, please R&R, constructive criticism welcome, flames not so much, Gamer4 out!


	10. The Cask of Chuckola Cola

Gamer4 in. Once again, here trying to break my usual hiatus-tendencies, so let's get started on the next chapter!

Disclaimer: Maybe, due to the large amount of Lovecraftian shout-outs lately, I should start including him in this...

Chapter X

The Cask of Chuckola Cola

Mario's hopes for Tingle's classes hadn't exactly been high to begin with, but it was becoming increasingly obvious throughout the year just _how _inept their new Protection from the Evils teacher was. Mario had thought their teacher last year had been terrible, as King Dedede had hardly ever had anything of interest to say, and usually just had them take notes from the book, while he tried to offer what help he could. But, had he really thought those classes were bad? Tingle's classes were an _insult _to Dedede's classes!

At least in Dedede's classes, Mario thought, they'd actually learned, even if the information could have been presented in a somewhat more interesting fashion. _Tingle's _classes, however, were starting to feel more and more like a drama class than a Protection from the Evils class. Ever since the 'Batty Incident' as he called it, he hadn't brought anything into class to work with, and while they brought out the books, it wasn't to study, but to practice. They were _acting out _his books in the style of classroom plays. For some reason, Tingle seemed bent on having Link act in his place, while Mario was frequently the villain. So far, he'd been forced to play an evil king who'd kidnaped the princess of the Waffle Kingdom, an invading alien from some creepy planet somewhere, and a psychotic blacksmith intent on filling the world with weapons and eternal warfare. Today, he was playing an evil sorcerer who'd apparently stolen something called the 'Eternity Wand,' and was currently in a fight scene with Link (playing Tingle himself, naturally) in which 'Tingle' defeated him.

Link was making it very clear (to those who knew him, at least,) that he wasn't eager in the slightest to play the role, but today, he had a special reason to keep Tingle happy. Speaking in a monotone that Rob would have been proud of, he said, "Stop, foul evildoer, for I have gathered the five shards of fire, ice, light, dark, and wisdom. I now have the power to stop you."

Mario, dressed in a purple robe and large purple top hat with a skull on the front, looked nervously over at Tingle, in case he'd caught on to Link's lack of enthusiasm. Seeing Tingle eagerly nodding and dancing around, he figured he hadn't. Turning back to Link, he said, speaking in equal monotone, "You should know by now, Limpah, that the forces of darkness cannot be overturned. So sorry you came so far for nothing."

"Sorry, Pocus, but the light of justice will always prevail," Link said, his face screwing up at how painful it was to say these lines. "My power will counteract yours, and-"

Mercifully, the rest of the scene was cut off by the bell ringing: never had Mario been so glad to go on break. He eagerly ripped off his outfit, returning to his usual appearance (Link's clothes were so uncomfortably similar to Tingle's that Tingle hadn't felt the need to make him wear a costume.)

"Ah, so moving!" Tingle cried, doing some kind of weird spin as he spoke. "Homework: go home and read the rest of _Raiders of the Lost Wand, _and be ready to perform tomorrow! Remember, you never know if you'll get picked!"

"Which means we just need Mario and Link to read it," Ness muttered, throwing a sympathetic look at them.

"Class dismissed!" Tingle said enthusiastically, doing yet another backflip.

The class gratefully began crowding out, with the exception of Mario, Link, and Zelda, who met at the back of the class. "You ready, Link?" Mario asked, looking over at his friend.

"Yeah..." Link sighed, looking resigned.

Turning, they headed up the class to talk to Tingle, who was picking up Mario's discarded hat and robe. "Um, Tingle?" Link asked, trying not to spit venom with each word.

Turning, Tingle's face lit up like a Christmas Tree. "Ah, fairy boy!" he said happily, dancing in place and clapping his hands. "It's been too long since you visited me!"

"I never did," Link muttered, quietly enough that Tingle couldn't hear. Raising his voice, he said, "I... I agree, and I was... I was only wondering..."

Mario thumped him on the back, trying to help him get the words out.

"Ifyoucouldsignthisplease," Link choked out, holding out the library form. "I... I need your permission to... um... watch the Smash-Up match with you up in the stands. I heard you were a great Smash-Up player, you see, and I wanted to hear your commentary on the match..."

"Oh, most certainly, fairy boy!" Tingle agreed, jumping up and down in excitement. "Never fear! I was indeed a great Smash-Up player in my time!" As he spoke, he pulled out an extremely large pen, and happily signed his name on the sheet, hardly even looking at what it was. "I would always be glad to provide a commentary for one such as you!"

"Yeah, well... thanks," Link said, taking the form. "See you... then..."

And, looking like he was going to choke, he turned and sped from the room. Mario and Zelda bade Tingle good-bye and ran after him.

They found Link up in the library already, taking a very long drink from the water fountain. As they approached, he raised his head, inserted a large bar of soap into it, rubbed it around, removed the soap, gargled, and spat it out.

"You alright there, Link?" Mario asked.

"This power-up _better _be worth it," Link muttered, now rinsing his mouth with another long drink from the water fountain. "Not only that, I'm going to actually have to _follow through _on that, or he'll think something's suspicious!"

"I don't see why _I _couldn't have asked him," Zelda said, looking somewhat jealous. "I mean..."

"Hate to say it," Mario said, "but he might have actually read it if it were you."

"Assuming that moron knows _how _to read," Link said irritably, seizing the library form from Zelda's hand and turning back in to go show it to the librarian, Ruto.

Ruto, naturally, looked highly suspicious when he handed it to her. "_Dark Power-Ups and How to Use Them,_" she read out. "How did you get a teacher to-" here, she noticed the signature. "Ah. _That's _how." For a moment, she seemed torn between obeying the exact rules or rejecting it based on the teacher that had signed it. Fortunately, the former instinct won out, to a certain extent, but rather than let them into the restricted section, she went back to get the book herself.

Link, sighing, leaned back against the wall. After a while, Ruto returned with a book and handed it over to him. They quickly turned and left.

The first place they went after obtaining the book was right to the Poe's locker room. Link had raised an objection initially, but Zelda had pointed out that it was the least likely place anyone would go, and even if they were interrupted, all they would have to do was hide and wait for the Poe to chase them off. As for them, however, she seemed to have gained the Poe's respect by standing up to him: as they sat there reading and discussing, the Poe floated around raging, yes, but made no particular effort to actually chase them out.

Zelda opened up the book and quickly flipped to the page on transformo-candy. Mario was glad she was quick, because he didn't exactly want to linger on some of the more gruesome pages: the book had definitely earned its spot in the restricted section.

"Found it," she finally said, looking like she was struggling not to turn green. She turned the book around so the others could see it. Mario recoiled almost as soon as he looked: the pictures therein would be questionable if the fic was rated T, let alone K+. When it became clear that Mario and Link were both done looking, Zelda turned it back to herself to take a look at how to make it.

"Well, this one's tricky," she said, looking down at the ingredients and method of preparation. "So many ingredients, exact calculations... and the footnotes! I don't think I've even seen something so finicky!"

"Well, what kind of ingredients are we talking about?" Mario asked.

"Well, a Deku Baba seed, for one," Zelda said, looking down at the list. "Good thing those grow faster than Boku Babas. Also, we'll need some Red Essence, a star egg, and some gold dust-"

"_Gold dust?!" _Mario exclaimed. "Where the heck are we supposed to get _that? _On top of Red Essence- what, are we just going to rob from Wolf?"

"But the last thing we'll need," Zelda continued on, seemingly ignoring him, "Is a bit of whoever we're going to change into. Probably Ganondorf or Wario, they're his best friends, after all."

"Hold up, _what?!" _This time, it was Link objecting. "Even assuming I found the idea of eating any sort of candy with bits of _Ganondorf _in it appealing, how are we supposed to get our hands on anything of his or Wario's or... whoever you're going to turn into? Knock them out or something?"

Zelda looked up at them with a fire in her eyes that they hadn't seen since Mario wondering whether or not to go to Pit's party. "So, you just want to _give up?!" _she said fiercely. "Just leave whoever's doing this to attack all the muggle-borns in the school? I guess I can go return this book right now, then-"

"No!" Link objected. "I'm sitting next to Tingle next Smash-Up match for that book, we're making use of it! Heck, it's worth doing it just to see you encouraging us to _break _rules..."

"We're on board," Mario agreed, "it's just that... yeah, this will be pretty difficult..."

"How long does it take to make, anyways?" Link asked.

"Hmmm." Zelda said, looking down at the book again. "Well, Deku Babas _do _mature faster, but it will still take a while for their seeds to be ready... and the Red Essence has to ferment for twenty days, after the seeds are added... It'll probably be ready around Christmas."

"_Christmas?!" _Link asked, standing up. "Do you realize how many muggle-borns Bowser could have attacked by the-" he stopped at the look on Zelda's face. "Only plan we have, let's do this thing," he said quickly.

XXXX

Mario woke the next morning from a confusing dream in which a sentient mushroom had woken him up to tell him that it was secretly a monster. Vaguely, he wondered if the dream was caused by his nerves for the upcoming Smash-Up match. His team would, after all, be up against the best karts that existed then, and on top of that, he'd be up against Bowser in this match, putting even more pressure on him to pull out a win.

Finally, accepting that he wasn't about to get back to sleep, he rose from his bed, put on his Smash-Up uniform, and headed downstairs to the dining hall, where he found the rest of his team sitting at the breakfast table. Ana and Paula looked nervous, Kumatora and Falcon were discussing the upcoming match with a fire in their eyes, while Kirby and Meta were helping themselves to some sausage, while throwing a few half-hearted jokes around. Mario joined them and pulled some toast and eggs towards him.

Eventually, the time of the match approached, and Mario still hadn't touched his breakfast. Falcon rose from the table and motioned for his team to follow. Wordlessly, they all trooped out of the dining hall and headed out towards the Smash-Up stadium.

It was a fairly nice day, or at least, as nice as it got out there. As Mario headed into the locker room, Link and Zelda appeared to wish him luck, Zelda looking nervous, and Link looking like he was going off to his execution. This reminded Mario of another reason he had to catch the Smash Ball as soon as possible: to get Link off the hook with Tingle.

Inside the locker room, Falcon turned to them. "Alright," he said. "I won't sugarcoat the facts. Sierra has better karts than us, only an idiot would deny it at this juncture. But!" he added abruptly, "A good kart doesn't mean _jack _if the person driving it has no skill! Likewise, even the worst kart can be a game changer if the person riding it has more skill! We've trained longer and harder than they have, and as long as we remember that, we'll take them down, offroaders or no Offroaders. We'll show them what a true Smash-Up team looks like, and make them regret determining their team by fancy gifts instead of skill!" Turning to Mario, he said, "No pressure, Mario, but you know that a lot of this rides on you. Show that you have enough skills to make a Offroader look like a hot wheels car! There's no option today _but _to win!"

"Yeah, no pressure," Meta added quietly.

As they headed out on the field, Mario took in the stadium for today. The stadium was specially designed to essentially be a different stadium each match. Today, it somewhat resembled a multiple-level parking garage, with ramps twisting around three floors, with a large gap in the middle. On the first floor was a large raised platform. On one side waited the Nintendo karts, on the other, the Sierras'.

As they all walked up to their respective karts and fired them up, Coach Lakitu, the referee, appeared in his cloud, and cast out his usual large fishing pole, dangling what appeared to be a set of traffic lights over the crowd. The top, red light was currently lit. As they all watched, on edge from the tension, the red light went out, making way for the yellow light. A moment later, the yellow light went out, and up went the green.

Every kart shot off immediately. Mario, following his usual Smash-Up strategy, shot up the ramps, heading for the top floor, so he'd be able to more easily scout out the Smash Ball.

As he headed up, a blur shot past him, but a lingering shout of, "Careful, homey," left him in no doubt that Bowser was showing off his new kart.

Mario probably would have shouted something back, but at that moment, one of the chain chomps decided to come rolling his way. He sped up, managing to steer himself out of the way. The chomp fell through a hole in the floor, and landed on the floor below.

Satisfied, Mario pelted up another ramp, finally arriving on the 'roof' of the structure.

He'd only been speeding around for a few seconds more when he had to violently jump out of the way again: the chomp was back, seemingly with a vengeance, barking with undisguised rage as it rolled past him again. Mario stared as it rolled around the hole in the center of the floor and turned back towards him.

"Careful!" said another voice, and Mario turned to see Kirby speeding by, taking out his super scope. As Mario watched, he pulled the trigger and shot at the chomp, aiming to change its course towards a passing member of the Sierra offense.

This worked briefly, but, unfortunately, wasn't to be. The chomp turned around, eyes red, and set off after him once more.

"What the-" Kirby muttered, raising his scope again. He fired off a series of shots at the chomp. It changed direction with each one, but once the last one hit, it instantly turned towards him once more, and shot forward at top speed.

Mario shot for the hole in the ground, dropping himself down to the center level. The chomp immediately followed after him, but, weighing so much more, dropped down to the ground instead. Looking briefly back, Mario thought he'd lost it, but no dice: the chomp, not to be deterred, turned and began ascending the ramps, still chasing him down.

"Oh, come _on!" _he muttered, turning his kart around and flooring it. This _wasn't _how chain chomps were supposed to operate! Their job was to run around at random, not pick a player at the beginning and focus on them for the whole match.

It was several minutes later, and the chomp was still showing no signs of relenting, when Mario heard the commentator, a friend of Kirby and Meta Knight's named Teddy Ellay, calling out, "And the score is currently ninety to seventy, favor Sierra!"

Mario's heart gave a small jump. Apparently, superior karts made a difference after all. They weren't trailing _too _far behind, but they'd usually be several points in the lead by now...

Mario threw a glance around him. Kirby and Meta were persistently keeping their eyes on him, super scopes out and ready to shoot if the chomp ever got too close. Looking up ahead, Mario saw Kumatora approaching the Sierra's side of the field, the Smash-Up ball in hand. However, just as she was about to toss it and earn her side some points back, a chomp came careening out of nowhere, knocking her kart aside, and forcing her to drop the ball to the ground, where a Sierra player swiftly picked it up.

Mario sighed. Their team was crippled with both Kirby and Meta looking out only for him. On top of that, they were simply too close for him to be able to maneuver effectively.

Glancing over, he saw a similar idea seeming to form in Meta's mind. Meta, throwing a glance over at his twin brother, asked, "Can you hold down the fort here?" When Kirby nodded, Meta abruptly swung his kart around and sped off towards the Nintendo side of the stadium.

Mario was confused for a moment or two, but this abruptly cleared up as he heard Coach Lakitu's whistle sound: apparently, Meta had been going to ask Falcon to call a time-out.

All the players brought their karts around and shot to their ends of the stadium. Mario sped off away from the chomp, and was glad to finally stop having outrun it as he pulled over with the rest of his team.

"What's going on out there?" Captain Falcon asked, sounding not-at-all happy when they were all standing once again. "That's _twice _now that we've been ready to score but had a chomp cut us off! Explanation. Now."

"Well, someone's got the other chomp fixed!" Kirby explained, looking uncharacteristically angry. "Not once has it gone for anyone else since this match started!"

"Well, I can't think why that would be," Falcon said, looking up. "Coach Lakitu keeps them safe all the time outside of matches and practices."

"We could ask Coach Lakitu to look into it," Kumatora suggested.

"No, we can't," Mario said, speaking up. "We do that, we'd have to end the match now, and we're not losing to Sierra just because some random chomp decided I looked delicious."

"Then what do _you _want to do?" Captain Falcon asked, looking at him.

"Simple," Mario said. "We keep the match up like normal. Just one thing: Kirby, Meta, leave me alone, and focus on the other chomp. I can deal with this psychotic one myself, the other one isn't as predictable, and frankly, with you two riding my tailpipe, I'll only catch the Smash Ball if it flies right into my mouth again."

"You're joking, right?" Meta asked, looking at him. He, too, looked uncharacteristically

serious. "I mean, we brawlers are here for a reason. It's our job to make sure you _don't _get slaughtered by those things."

"And I appreciate it," Mario agreed, "but this is just getting ridiculous now. This is the only chance we have of pulling out a win."

Ana, grimacing slightly, appealed to Falcon. "You're not really going to do this, are you?"

Captain Falcon had his head lowered onto his chest, and his eyes were closed, clearly thinking things over. Finally, he said, "If Mario wants to keep playing in these circumstances, then let's do this."

"Are you kidding?" Paula asked, looking at him incredulously. "We keep this up, Mario will get eaten alive!"

"You heard him," Falcon countered. "He can handle it. Kirby, Meta, focus on the other chomp, and leave Mario alone."

Falcon threw a gesture to Coach Lakitu, showing that they were ready to play. Everyone returned to their karts, though they all clearly had misgivings about this one. Mario jumped into his parked Flame Runner and fired it up. He slammed on the accelerator and headed back into the parking-garage-like structure. No sooner had he entered it than, with a loud, furious-sounding bark, the chain chomp was after him once more, rolling along faster than Mario thought any normal chain chomp should. It's eyes were still red, looking strangely furious at him as it pursued. Mario sped up through the levels, trying to outrun it and keep an eye out for the Smash Ball at the same time. It was easier to search than with Kirby and Meta at either side, but it was still a very small sphere, and no easier to locate with the steel ball of rage chasing him. Inwardly, he wondered, _Why couldn't someone fix the _Smash Ball _to fly towards me? No, it _had _to be the chain chomp._

After a while of steering around, he dodged a particularly close attempt by the chomp only by throwing the kart into reverse and steering, backwards, off the edge of the floor he was on, dropping all the way back down onto the raised platform on the first floor. As he paused briefly to get his bearings straight, he heard someone laughing at him. The voice that followed confirmed Mario's suspicions about who it was.

"What, scared of the big, bad, chain chomp?" the voice taunted. Mario turned around to see Bowser, stopped just off of the platform, looking up at him, pointing, and chortling at Mario's desperate attempts to avoid the chomp.

Mario would have thrown an insult back at him, but then he saw it, floating around just over Bowser's head: the Smash Ball. Mario stared, wanting to go for it, but not sure how to get into the right position to catch it from this position. Looking up, he saw the chomp rolling towards the edge, ready to follow him down. A plan instantly came to mind, but he wondered if it could possibly work.

He backed up, and put himself into just the position that he wanted. He looked up nervously, waiting for the chomp to descend.

CRASH! And a success. The chomp landed on just the right position on the kart to send it out through the air towards Bowser. Had Mario not been a smasher, he seriously doubted this would have worked. Heck, as was, he had slightly miscalculated: he was flipping in the air. Looking up- currently down- at Bowser, he saw his nemesis's jaw drop as he went flipping over. Reaching out with one hand, he caught the Smash Ball out of the air, and continued flipping.

And, Mario reflected, there was one more thing he'd forgotten to consider: how he'd land. This he reflected on as his Flame Runner landed on its side. He gave a grunt of pain as his arm crashed to the ground under his own weight. There was a snapping sound, and he fell out of his kart entirely. Not bothering to follow its progress, and trying to ignore the pain in the arm he'd landed on, he threw his eyes into his hand. Still in his clenched fist was the faintly glowing sphere imprinted with the symbol of the Smash Bros. A painful victory, he reflected, but a victory nonetheless.

He'd probably have thought of something more profound, but this is about where he fainted.

XXXX

Mario cracked his eyes open. Last time he'd been in a similar position, he'd awoken to find himself in the hospital wing with a giant floating right hand beside him. This time, however, he found himself still out in the Smash-Up stadium, looking up at a guy dressed in green and wearing a watch on a chain around his neck. Somehow, he knew which one he preferred.

"Oh, boy..." he muttered, holding his head in his hands.

"Mario, dear boy!" Tingle called out, jumping to his feet with a freakishly wide grin on his face. "Worry not! We are all here for you!"

Mario glanced around. Sure enough, the rest of the Smash-Up team was there, looking both anxious at his predicament and happy at his catch. Link and Zelda stood beside them, sharing the same look, with 'disgruntled' added to the list of things showing on Link's face.

"Great, thanks," Mario muttered, trying to rise to his feet, but collapsing back to the ground as he remembered his now-broken arm.

"Relax, my boy, relax!" Tingle said. "I just thought I'd come down here and fix you up a bit."

"No, I think I'll go to Nurse Tessie, but thanks for the offer..."

"Yeah, he probably should be going to the Nurse," Captain Falcon interjected. Looking back at Mario, he threw him a thumbs up. "Way to go out there," he said. "If nothing else, you've proved that physics don't apply here."

"Yeah, great capture," Kirby agreed, smiling. "Come on, let's get you to Tessie," he continued, shifting briefly into human form so he had a shoulder to offer to him. Mario struggled to get up and lean on it, but Tingle butted in once more.

"Not necessary, my boy!" he said excitedly. "I know a fair amount of healing myself! I'll have your arm fixed up better than before!"

"No, I really-" Mario started to say, but he was cut off as Tingle spun his watch around, did another backflip, all while calling out his usual mantra of 'Tingle-Tingle Kooloo-Limpah!'

Mario's arm suddenly felt incredibly stiff and cold. The fact that everyone else gasped, with no immediately obvious cause other than whatever Tingle had done to his arm, just made the red flags even redder. Mario didn't know exactly what Tingle had done, but every sign that was currently being given to him indicated that it wasn't good.

"Yes, ah... ahem," Tingle said, standing up and running his hands through his hair. "I may have been a bit... um... enthusiastic. But, hey, at least it's not broken anymore!"

"Yeah, big improvement," Link muttered, looking darkly down at Mario's arm. "Come on, let's get him to Tessie."

Kirby nodded, and he, Meta Knight, and Link all bent over to help him up. Ominously, none of them attempted to move his arm. Now genuinely curious, Mario attempted to move it himself. No dice, it didn't seem like it wanted to move. Finally, bracing himself, he glanced down at his arm again, and proceeded to wish he could use it to facepalm.

The skin on his arm had gone incredibly shiny, and was now an entirely different color. Everything coming together, the new look, the chill, the stiffness, and his lack of ability to move it, Mario realized what had happened.

_Great job, Tingle, _he thought to himself. _I've always wanted a steel arm._

XXXX

It was a long walk up to the Nurse's office, especially when one side of his body now weighed so much more than the other. At one point, they were intercepted by Pichu, who desperately tried to get a picture, only to be shooed off by Link and Meta. At another point, they got stopped by Adam the bedsheet-wearing ghost, who, for some reason, seemed very interested in Mario's condition.

At long last, they finally heaved him into a the hospital wing, where he collapsed onto a bed, glad to no longer be lugging around the new weight of his arm.

When Tessie appeared, she had nothing particularly good to say about Tingle. "Why didn't you come straight up to me?" she asked furiously.

"He tried," Link explained, "but Tingle didn't listen..."

"Yeah, I suspected as much," Tessie muttered, examining the steel arm and banging at it a couple of times; it made a strange, out-of-place clanging noise. She was so intent on examining it that she didn't notice Zelda quietly entering behind her. "Well, the good news is, I can fix it. The bad news is, it's not as simple as just fixing the bone would have been. You'll have to stay here tonight, for one thing. Just a second, I'll go get the medicine..."

As Tessie turned away, Link rounded on Zelda. "Well, I hope you won't try to justify Tingle this time!" he said. "How the heck could he have mistaken 'fix a bone' for 'turn my arm into metal'?"

"Anyone can make a mistake!" Zelda retorted. "You should know that better than anyone!"

"Yeah, well, after spending that Smash-Up match listening to his advice, now I'm _sure _he has no clue what he's talking about," Link muttered. "I'd have gotten better kart-driving advice from sitting next to one of Crazy's special crops than I did from him!"

Mario watched carefully as Kirby and Meta Knight left- to where, he didn't know. "I'm just curious about what Bowser did to that Chain Chomp to make it come after me," he said, once he was sure that Link and Zelda were the only ones in earshot.

"Another thing to interrogate him about, I suppose," Zelda muttered, putting her 'making a mental checklist' face on.

They were prevented from saying anything else by Nurse Tessie suddenly reappearing with a bottle in her hand. "Here," she said, pulling up a glass and pouring some of whatever was in the bottle into it. "This is Chuckola Cola. It's a great healing power-up, it'll fix most afflictions. It'll just take some time."

Mario took the glass she offered him and took a swig. It was a good taste, but left a very strange after-taste. It definitely didn't taste anything like Cola, though.

XXXX

Later that night, Mario was in the middle of a dream about a star with a moustache imprisoned in a playing card attached to a cross. "Mario," it was saying. "You must go to star haven, Mario!"

"What? Why?" Mario asked, having no context for what was going on, even if it was his dream. "What's there?"

"You have to find the star spirits to fight the one who stole the star rod!"

"What's the star rod?" Mario asked, getting increasingly confused. It was like the dream was trying to creep him out, but not doing a very good job.

"It's only when you have the star rod-" the star started out once more, but it's voice suddenly changed, becoming deep and, for the first time, genuinely creepy, "-that I can kill you."

"What?" Mario asked, reaching up with a pinky to clean his ears, certain that he'd misheard.

"Everything in this world is born for the purpose of dying," the star growled. "I only help the process."

A fire suddenly sprang up around the cross, which, Mario noticed, was steadily gaining height. "What are you talking about?!" he asked, genuinely freaked out for the first time so far.

"Another victim..." the star said, looking around with suddenly demonic-looking eyes. "I have found... another victim!"

Mario suddenly opened his eyes. He was still in the hospital wing, looking up at the ceiling, but the voice was still there, growling out its usual horror phrases. Mario listened all around, trying to trace where it was coming from.

"Awake!" it was saying, steadily growing quieter, as though it was receding. "I am awake! The world shall suffer for my absence!"

Mario looked desperately around, until his eyes fell on something- or someone, rather- that made him jump back forcefully.

"Mario Mario!" this someone said. "Yoshi has finally found you!"

If you can't guess who this someone was by now, why are you even reading this story? For those of you who know, but apparently need the painfully obvious stated to you anyways, it was Yoshi.

"Y... Yoshi?" Mario asked, confirming the author's suspicions. "What are you doing here?"

Yoshi's eyes were tearing up. "Mario Mario came!" he said, looking sadly down at the ground, his hands together. "Yoshi tried to warn Mario, but he came anyways! He missed the Great Fox, but still found his way to the Smash Mansion! Why? Why didn't he stay? Why didn't he go home?"

"We had this conversation already," Mario said. "I mean, with Gamer4's update schedule, I guess it's not _that _surprising that you forgot, but still! It was only-" here, he threw a glance upwards at the chapter number- "eight chapters ago! I can't stay at the Smiths'! The Smash Mansion is my real home!" Suddenly, Mario was hit with what Yoshi had just said. "Hold it!" he shouted, and the words briefly appeared in a stamp in front of him as he said it. "How did you know I missed the Great Fox?"

Yoshi trembled, looking up at him with a look of abject fear. "Yoshi... Yoshi thought... Yoshi thought that if the Great Fox left..."

"So you closed off the advertisement, too?!" Mario asked, bewildered. Yoshi solemnly nodded.

"Yoshi had to punish himself for what he did," he said, "but it was worth it, to make Mario Mario safe! But Mario stays, no matter what! Even after the chomp, he still-"

Mario sighed. "Don't tell me," he said, glaring at his visitor. "You fixed the chomp, too, didn't you?"

Yoshi's shrinking pupils told him he'd hit the nail on the head. He glanced down at his arm. It was still stiff, and didn't seem like it would be up to moving, but the skin at least looked like normal flesh again. "Okay, Yoshi, here's the deal. You have until my arm gets back to normal to get out of here, or I'll toss you out that window," he said, nodding at the window at the side of the hospital wing, looking out at the grounds below.

Yoshi smiled a very not-happy smile. "Yoshi appreciates the effort, but the threats just make Yoshi feel more at home," he said, looking down again. "At least six threats a day, Mario knows..."

Mario, looking over Yoshi's bowed head, saw the saddle once again. "What's with the saddle?" he asked, genuinely curious.

"The saddle?" Yoshi asked, trying to turn to look at it. "It marks Yoshi as enslaved. As long as Yoshi wears the saddle, he'll never be freed."

"How exactly do you free a yoshi?" Mario asked.

"A yoshi can only be freed if he is presented with a written work," Yoshi said, bowing his head. "But Yoshi's masters make sure they never give him even a textbook to carry, because it might count. That is one of the few duties Yoshi gets to avoid."

Yoshi spent a moment looking down at his feet, but then looked urgently back up at Mario. "Please, Mario Mario, go home!" he said. "The horrible things that Yoshi saw all that time ago, they are moving! The Dungeon of Secrets is open, the Smash Bros. Horror unleashed!"

Suddenly, Yoshi looked horrified, and Mario had to reach out and hold him back with his good arm to stop him from smacking his head against the wall. "The Dungeon of Secrets?" Mario asked. "That thing Proton Jon built? You mean it _is _real? But why would I be in danger anyway- everyone on my Dad's side of the family was a smasher!"

"Please don't ask!" Yoshi cried, struggling to escape. "Yoshi can't tell more than he has already! Mario Mario must leave, must be free of the danger!"

"No!" Mario repeated for the 8,999th time. "Proton Jon's heir wouldn't care about me anyways, but they'd care about Zelda! She's muggle born, and she'll be high up on the list of targets if the Smash Bros. Horror is real!"

"Yoshi wishes he could save everyone," Yoshi said solemnly. "But he is not as great as Mario. Mario wishes to save his friends, but he cannot! The thing in the Dungeon is not something that can be fought!"

Suddenly, there was a sound of footsteps out in the hall, and Mario lost his concentration, letting go of Yoshi as he did so. Spinning around, he saw several fragments of something appearing around Yoshi. They gathered around him to form what looked like an egg, which jumped up in the air, and shrank until it was gone.

Stunned, but not eager to be discovered up so late, he leaned back in his bed.

The door swung open, and three people entered. One was Nurse Tessie, and the others were Samus Aran and the Master Hand himself.

"What happened, though?" Nurse Tessie asked, holding up a flashlight as the Master Hand , in full hand form, entered, carrying something in a clenched fist.

"Another attack," Samus said grimly, as the Master Hand floated over to a chair and deposited whatever was in his fist into a bed. "Master and I found him on the staircase, with his camera next to him, like always. He had a get-well card and a box of chocolate next to him. Probably trying to come up here and visit Mario."

Mario fought not to gasp. Steadily, he got up and looked at the bed. Sure enough, there was a small, mouse-like creature there, frozen with an expression of shock etched across it. Pichu had been the next victim.

"What's doing this?" Nurse Tessie asked, anger evident in her voice. "I'm used to seeing all sorts of accidents, Master, but this is different!"

Samus quietly reached down to the camera. "What do you think?" she asked, glancing back up at the other two. "Maybe he managed to get a picture of whatever got him?"

The others nodded, and Samus did something with the camera that Mario couldn't see from where he was laying. Samus cursed. "No dice."

"How?" Nurse Tessie asked. "Whatever this was, it can melt the insides of cameras?!"

"No, the batteries were dead," Samus muttered. "Maybe Pichu thought Mario would be able to recharge the batteries. He does look on him very fondly."

"But still, what could have done this?" Nurse Tessie insisted.

"What else could it be?" Master Hand asked, sounding very serious. "The threat was genuine. The Dungeon of Secrets _has _been opened again."

This time, even Mario's bones went cold.

_XXXX_

Sorry about the wait. I actually got started on this one fairly early, but then there were power outages, and then my computer wouldn't connect to the internet... but hey, at least it wasn't nine months this time, right? Anyways, please R&R, constructive criticism more than welcome, flames not so much, Gamer4 out.


	11. The Secret Art of Melees

Gamer4 in. Dang, things have been crazy over here. My computer (as will be no surprise to those of you who've been reading my stories for a while,) malfunctioned and simply wouldn't work. I've finally managed to get it all fixed up, so it shouldn't be troubling me for a while, but it also deleted the about half a chapter I'd written at that point. You can imagine how happy that makes me feel. Anyways, let's see if I can get the rest of this chapter written without a hitch, shall we?

Disclaimer: Yes, officer, it's true: I own a Wii. Shocking, I know.

Chapter XI

The Secret Art of Melees

Mario assumed, later on, that, despite the events of that night, he must have drifted off at some point, because he remembered waking up the next morning. Taking a quick look around, he saw Pichu's bed across from him and to the left, and the exact events came rushing back to him. Currently, Nurse Tessie was looking over the young pokemon, but, when she eventually turned around and saw that he had awoken, she rushed over and began feeling his arm.

"Well, it's definitely not metal," she said, feeling around the elbow. "Can you move it?"

Mario reached over to the side table and lifted a glass of water. "Great," Nurse Tessie said, feeling it some more. "Just one last test!" With this, she produced a mallet from seemingly nowhere and slammed it into his elbow. Mario gave a small shout of pain, jerking his arm around.

"Well, that's all fixed up," Nurse Tessie concluded, tapping his elbow and relieving him of the pain instantly. "Alright," she said, turning around, "I'll get you some breakfast real quick, then you're free to go."

Eager as he was to go and find Link and Zelda, Mario wolfed down the breakfast he was brought without even stopping to see what it was, then jumped up and dashed out. Despite not knowing exactly where Link and Zelda might be, he decided to check the library first, and would have sprinted the whole way there if he hadn't suddenly been stopped by a sudden feeling like he'd been plunged into the lake outside.

"Whoah, watch where you're going, will you?" said the thing he'd walked into. Turning around, he saw that it was Adam, the bedsheet-wearing ghost. "Ghosts have feelings, too, you know!"

"Sorry," Mario said. "Hey," he added, as an afterthought, "have you seen Link and Zelda around?"

"Yeah," Adam said, turning back around to face him. "Speaking of those two, how did that spider experiment of yours go anyways?"

"Oh, it was... great!" Mario said, after briefly pausing to remember what Adam was talking about. "Top marks!"

"Well, that's strange," Adam said, looking at him with a sudden look of suspicion.

"Well, not really, I mean, Zelda was in our group, after all, we were pretty much guaranteed-"

"Not the grade," Adam cut him off. "It's just that I just met those two back down in front of the Poe's locker room again, and they both seemed to think that your experiment wasn't quite finished yet- they said they were down there looking for more."

"Wow, that is weird!" Mario gave a loud and false laugh. "I don't know why that would- oh, wait! Yeah! It was a different project that we already finished, we _are _still working on the spiders! Ha ha ha! My mistake!"

"Of course," Adam said, giving him a stranger look still. "Well, as far as I know, they're still down there. I can't imagine why they'd have left."

"Yeah! Thanks, Adam!" Mario said, and quickly turned and dashed away before the ghost could ask any more awkward questions.

He rushed down to the locker room as fast as he could, and almost smashed down the door. As he opened it, he heard some voices quickly quieting themselves. Looking up, he saw the Poe lazily floating overhead, seemingly looking around, though being covered entirely in robes made it difficult to tell. Apparently seeing him, the Poe called out, "It's okay, it's just the moron in the red clothes!"

"Mario!" said a sudden voice, and Zelda's head appeared around a corner of the room. "We were wondering if you'd turn up!"

"You could talk," Mario said, walking over. Zelda was standing next to a cooking pot on the ground, with Link sitting next to it.

"Yeah, sorry, buddy," Link said, looking up at him. "We were going to visit you, but we heard about Pichu, and we figured that we should get started on making the transformo-candy as soon as we could."

"Where did you hear that?" Mario asked, surprised.

"Dude, it's the Smash Bros.," Link said. "I'm surprised we didn't hear about it _before _it happened."

Mario couldn't think of an argument to this one, so, as he took a seat of his own around the pot, he asked a different question: "So, you have the Poe working as a lookout now?"

"Yeah," Zelda said, "we told him that we're working to bring down the Patriots?"

"No, seriously, who are the Patriots?" Mario asked. "It seems like everyone knows about them except for me."

"Well, it doesn't really matter," Link snorted, "but I guess I can fill you in. Basically, it's this old smasher conspiracy theory that our whole world is operated by this group of people called the Patriots, and that they aim to censor anything contrary to their views."

"Well, isn't our whole world controlled by Gamer4?" Mario pointed out.

"Well, that's different," Zelda put in. "He's not really controlling us, just transcribing what's going on. Totally different."

"But I thought-" Mario started.

"No," Zelda cut him off.

"You didn't even know what I was going to say!"

"Didn't matter," Zelda said. "Anyways, the important thing is, we've got the transformo-candy started."

"Doesn't look much like candy to me," Mario said, looking into the pot, where a large amount of some strange sort of liquid was cooking. "I mean, I didn't exactly expect it to look like laffy taffy, but I expected it to be... I don't know, solid."

"Well, it just got all the recessive genes," Link said, allowing himself a quiet laugh. Mario stared at him for a moment, then turned to Zelda.

"Anyways..." he said.

"It's liquid until you put in the bit of whoever you're turning into," Zelda explained. "That's when it turns solid."

"And then there's Solid_us, _who has both the dominant and the recessive genes!" Link said, smiling.

"Do you have a problem all of a sudden?" Zelda asked, glaring up at him.

Mario leaned back, tuning out their debate, until suddenly, another memory from the previous night came rushing back. "Hey, guys!" he said, interrupting them. "I just remembered something!"

"What is it?" they asked, turning to look at him eagerly.

"Last night, in the hospital wing- I was there when they brought Pichu in, and... and..."

"And _what, _Mario?" Zelda pressed.

"His camera's batteries had died! I didn't think that was possible with smasher cameras!"

"Well, of course it is!" Link said, his eyes wide. "What do you think we are, wizards?"

"Guess you have a point..." Mario acknowledged, leaning back again. Suddenly, he perked up again. "Oh, and I heard the Master Hand saying something weird..."

And so it came to be that he filled them in on everything that he'd heard between Samus, Tessie, and the Master Hand that night.

"_Again?" _Zelda repeated, as his narrative came to a close. "You mean the Dungeon of Secrets has been open before?"

"Well, if you needed more proof that it's Bowser, there it is," Link said darkly. "Proton Jon helps build Smash Mansion. Jon builds Dungeon of Secrets. Jon leaves Smash Mansion. Ghirahim comes to Smash Mansion. Ghirahim opens Dungeon of Secrets. Ghirahim gets stopped somehow. Bowser comes to Smash Mansion. Bowser opens Dungeon of Secrets."

For a moment, everything was silent after Link's ominous pronouncement. Finally, Zelda said, "Well, we can't know for sure until we get this transformo-candy ready and question him ourselves. Anything else happen last night, Mario?"

"Well, not aside from a really weird dream..." Mario muttered. Suddenly, he looked up again. "Wait, no! Yoshi visited me last night!"

"A yoshi?" Zelda asked, surprised.

"Not just any yoshi," Link explained. "_Yoshi _the yoshi."

"Creative name," Zelda muttered dryly.

"What did he say this time?" Link asked.

And so it came to be that Mario explained his conversation with Yoshi, and the author used his transition for the second time in the same scene.

"So he locked up Platform Q _and _fixed the chain chomp?!" Link asked incredulously. "Well, I guess we can appreciate his commitment to your safety, but at this rate, he'll do more damage than the Smash Bros. Horror!"

XXXX

Just as Link had said, (or implied, rather,) the story of the attack on Pichu spread much faster than it would have at any ordinary school, and just that afternoon, everyone that Mario heard talking seemed to be discussing it.

Once again, Peach had taken it particularly hard, though Mario couldn't see why she should be; as far as he knew, she hadn't had much contact with Pichu before. Kirby and Meta Knight seemed to be trying to cheer her up, but Mario wasn't sure their dead-serious talks about how to avoid meeting the Smash Bros. Horror, or what to do if she met Jon's heir was exactly what the young girl needed at the moment.

Meanwhile, as was typical of such times, several illicit shops were opening up all over the mansion, selling purportedly protective devices. Several students were willing to push and shove to get their hands on these. Strangely enough- or so Mario thought, at least,- the Nintendo boy that bought the most of these items wasn't Ness, a muggle-born, but Luigi, a pure-blood. One night, he attempted to talk this over with him. "Look, Luigi," he said, trying to ignore the glare from the twenty-two defensive badges he was wearing, "I can see you being nervous, but, you know, you're pure-blood. Jon's heir would only be going after muggle-borns. I'm just not sure all this is necessary."

"He's against scrubs, too!" Luigi said, panicking. "After all, he tried to get Mido first, and it took so long for me to show signs of smashing that everyone thought I was a scrub for years!"

XXXX

December rolled around, and one morning found Samus making an announcement that, in a couple weeks, winter break would be starting, and anyone that wanted to stay at the Smash Bros. for Christmas should let her know right away. This Mario, Link, and Zelda naturally did right away: several people were eager to get out of the mansion, what with the shadow of fear that seemed to be gripping it, but Bowser, Ganondorf, and Wario were all staying behind. Zelda, the one most in charge of the plan, had concluded that winter break would therefore be one of the better times to try and interrogate Bowser.

This, of course, was assuming the transformo-candy had been finished by that time. They'd done everything correctly so far, according to Zelda, but they'd also hit a wall: to continue, they needed gold dust and red essence, not items that were exactly freely available to students. The only place that any of the three could think to find such things was in Wolf's personal stores, and Mario, at least, felt like he'd rather tackle a fully grown Rayquaza with his bare hands than do such a foolish thing as rob from Wolf.

Once again, Zelda was the one who did most of the plan coordination. "Okay, here's what we need to do," she said, as they sat plotting around the fire, the Poe on guard in case anyone entered. "You two will have to make some kind of diversion. You know, make some chaos. Under that cover, I can sneak into Wolf's office and take what we need."

Mario would have volunteered to do the stealing himself, but even if his record with Wolf was clean, there was more than one reason Wolf was the teacher he'd least like to be caught stealing from. Link, however, had a separate gripe with the plan.

"And what, exactly, should we do to distract him?" he asked. "This isn't some baby we're stealing candy from. It's _Wolf freaking O'Donnell!"_

"I don't know, use your imagination!" Zelda said irritably. "Just something so chaotic that even Wolf will be distracted for a little bit!"

"Oh, 'just' that, huh?" Link snorted.

"Well, why don't you talk to Kirby and Meta Knight?" Zelda suggested frustratedly. "They're only the best mischief-makers in the school, I'm sure they can come up with something!"

XXXX

And so it came to be that one power-ups class found Mario and Link working nervously together on the same power-up, while Zelda worked further away on her own, as close as she could get to Wolf's office without raising suspicion. Today, they were working on a tricky power-up to make one fly for a brief amount of time. Mario's and Link's was probably the worst in the class, even worse than Luigi's, which was saying something, considering that power-ups was Luigi's worst class. Wolf tried to pretend to be angry about this, but, of course, the more he got to criticize them, the happier he was, so he was in a very good mood by the time he turned his back on them and headed over to glare at Luigi for a little bit. Mario glanced over at Link and Zelda. It was now or never. He gave them the signal.

Quietly, Link reached out into hammerspace and pulled out a cage. Inside the cage were a few Mr. Batties, knocking around the cage like idiots, just like usual, their eyes rolling around at random. Silently, Link slid the lock on the cage open, and turned them loose.

Luckily, there were much fewer than back at Tingle's class, so there wasn't nearly as much damage. Then again, that's like saying that compared to the ocean, Lake Eerie doesn't have much water. The Batties dashed around, causing pandemonium, grabbing power-ups and tossing them around, knocking into each other, slamming into pots and knocking them over, and generally raising a ruckus. Wolf turned around, bewildered, just in time to have one slam into him and get caught in his fur, causing a great deal of distress as the anthro writhed around, struggling to get the Batty away from him.

In the middle of the commotion, Mario watched as Zelda slipped into Wolf's office and, a few minutes later, returned with a large bag that she quickly handed over to Link to put briefly in hammerspace.

Wolf, meanwhile, finally managed to get the Batty out of his fur, and immediately reached for his blaster, and began firing at each of the Batties. One by one, they fell, unconscious. He then returned to the head of the room to take a total assessment of the damage. Luckily, it didn't seem like anyone was hurt too badly, though a few people who had been hit with fully-functioning flight power-up were bumping lightly against the ceiling. Snarling furiously, Wolf strode over to one of the Batties, and picked it up by its wing.

Mario and Link shrunk down in their chairs, doing their best to stay under the anthro's radar.

For a moment, Wolf was silent as he glared at the creature in his hands. Under his breath, they thought they heard him mutter something that sounded like, "_Limpah._"

And so it came to be that, as Mario and Link came out of the power-ups classroom a little later, slightly ahead of Zelda, Mario said, "Well, I guess that we don't have to worry _too _much. It sounds like he thinks it was a slip-up on Tingle's part."

"Great! Maybe he'll deal with that moron for us," Link said quietly as Zelda caught up with them.

"Hey, guys!" she said. "What are you talking about?"

"Nothing," Mario said quickly.

"Well, that was quite a diversion!" she said, looking at them.

"Oh, just taking a page from the book of one of the greatest smashers ever!" Link said, doing his best to disguise his sarcasm.

XXXX

A while later, Mario awoke to hear a loud buzzing sound coming from the hub. Curious, he got up and headed down to discover half the group down there and buzzing around the billboard. Heading over to Link and Ness, who were standing off to the side, he asked, "So, what's going on here?"

"Sounds like they're starting up a fight club," Link said, turning to look at him. "You know, to teach how to fight in melees."

"I bet I know what the first rule is!" Ness said, appearing at their side with a large smile on his face.

"What, you mean, don't talk about fight club?" Mario suggested, smiling back.

"No, that's the second rule!"

"Okay, then, what's the first rule?" Mario asked, stifling a laugh.

"Don't talk about fight club, of course!"

"What are you two talking about?" Link asked, looking at them in bewilderment.

"Shouldn't you know?" Mario asked, looking at him in surprise. "I thought you were into pop culture."

"I guess it depends on whether or not Gamer4 can get a joke out of it," Link shrugged.

"That jerk," Mario sighed. "Anyways, what do you guys think? Should we sign up?"

"Sounds useful," Ness agreed, nodding.

"Well, I'm not sure that the Smash Bros. Horror is into melees," Link pointed out, "but still, there are plenty of smashers who are. Definitely wouldn't hurt."

And so it came to be that that night found Mario, Link, and Zelda, who had also signed up, heading down to the dining hall to the first meeting of the club.

When they arrived, there was already a large crowd there. All the tables and seats had been pushed off to the sides, including the staff table. Where the staff table would usually stand was a large stage, which Mario gathered was for the instructors. Down on the main floor were several large mats, probably for sparring or something.

"So, who're the instructors?" Mario wondered out loud as they joined the throng.

"Who knows?" Zelda shrugged.

"And who cares?" Link interrupted. "I just want to know why so many people are saying that the first rules of fight club will be to not talk about it!"

"Really?" Zelda asked, looking over at Mario. "You didn't play _that _card, did you?"

"Come on, how could I _not?" _Mario objected. "That's one of the best lines ever!"

"We don't need referential humor in our stories, Mario!" Zelda said, glaring at him.

"You're joking, right?" Mario said. "These stories are pretty much _built _on references! References are cool!"

Zelda sighed. "Whatever," she said. "Anyways, I was thinking that Samus might be one of the instructors. I hear she's a pretty good fighter."

"Yeah, that'd be cool," Mario agreed, eager for a change of topic, "but I could handle just about any of the teachers, except for Tingle or Wolf. Imagine how bad it would be if one of _them _was an instructor!"

"Hey, look, they're coming!" someone called out. As everyone turned their attention to the stage, out came Tingle Limpah, bouncing on his feet, and Wolf, looking just as furious as ever.

"You just _had _to say it, didn't you?" Link muttered, glaring at Mario. "You couldn't just leave well enough alone."

"Yeah, I'll take the blame for this one," Mario sighed.

"Settle down, everyone, settle down!" Tingle called out, to no success. Everyone continued their conversations, entirely ignoring him.

"Silence," whispered Wolf, and suddenly, everyone fell absolutely silent, like someone had hit the mute button.

"Welcome!" Tingle called, apparently ignorant of the lack of respect he was being shown so far. "Anyone who can't hear me, raise their hands!" There was a moment of silence, then he proceeded. "Good! Now, welcome to the fight club! The Master Hand has given me permission to begin this club in response to the troubled times gripping our beloved mansion! However, before we begin, we should lay down a few ground rules! First rule of fight club: we don't talk about fight club! Second rule of fight club-"

Wolf moved forward and cut him off, speaking for the first time. "-Anyone making popular culture references will be executed swiftly and without trial," he said threateningly, fingering his blaster in his holster. "Including the author," he added, glaring up at the ceiling, causing Gamer4 to raise his hands in instant surrender.

"How dare he cut off Tingle!" Zelda raged. "He was just trying to make a good, fine-quality joke!"

Mario stared at her for a second, but decided that, in the long run, it would be better not to respond to this one.

"Yes, well, um..." Tingle said, apparently trying to get back on board his train of thought. "Oh, yes, the club! Anyways, the purpose of this club is to train you all in case you ever need to protect yourself from the evils. For a textbook example of such a situation, see my works, available for very reasonable prices at Hoarder's Book Store!"

Mario, who was just about to point out that they already had a class like that, stopped as those last words graced his ears. The only person he could hear laughing was Zelda, and even her laughter sounded painfully forced.

"Anyways," Tingle said, ignoring this lukewarm reception, "Wolf here as agreed to be my co-instructor, and we'll be beginning with a quick demo. Don't worry, I won't make the fight _too _unfair!"

"Oh, it's unfair, alright," Link muttered. "That moron would be at a disadvantage if he had a _tank." _

"So, Wolfadoodle, let's begin!" Tingle said cheerfully, bouncing to one end of the stage, as Wolf silently stalked over to his own end. "Okay, let's take our beginning stances!"

Wolf simply stood and glared at him, his finger reaching down to his blaster, not unlike a cowboy in a spaghetti western. Tingle, meanwhile, bent over slightly, looking more like he was writhing in excitement than like he was about to enter a fight. "When the melee begins," Tingle called out to the audience, "we'll both begin using our own powers to the best of our abilities to triumph over the other one. Of course, this won't be a death match."

"Not if Wolf has anything to say about it," Link said, staring at the absolutely terrifying look on Wolf's face. "I mean, I know he doesn't really like anyone, and all that, but he seems _really _angry tonight."

"I guess he still thinks that Tingle's the one who got those Batties into his classroom, somehow," Mario whispered back.

"So, on the count of three!" Tingle called out. "One, two, three!"

It was over in only a few seconds: Tingle spun his watch around his neck as usual, and began his backflip. On the other end of the stage, quick as lightning, Wolf drew his blaster and fired a shot. It caught Tingle in midair and knocked him backwards in a kind of reverse somersault.

"Is he okay?" Zelda cried, jumping up and down anxiously.

"Not if we're lucky," Mario and Link had no hesitation in saying.

However, it wasn't to be. Back on stage, Tingle was getting back to his feet. "Great move, Wolf!" he said, sounding just as happy as ever, though he looked distinctly disheveled. "Aiming to get my power controller away from me, very classy. As you can all see, my watch is gone- ah, there it is!" Everyone looked around to see the watch at the other end of the hall, but no one seemed keen on going to get it. Instead, Tingle dashed over and grabbed it himself, trying to recover his dignity as he ran back to the stage. "Yes, well done, Wolf!" he said. "Always a good idea to know how to get someone's power controller from them! But, if you don't mind a bit of constructive criticism, your muscles telegraphed exactly what you were about to do. I could easily have grabbed the beam from your blaster and turned it around in midair, sending it right back at you. I just thought it would be a good idea for them all to see-"

He never finished his sentence. His eyes seemed to have fallen on Wolf's face, which was assuming a look of such animosity that Mario wanted to quietly run as far away as he could, even _without _being on the receiving end. "How about we just get to the actual practice?" the anthro asked, a very wolf-like growl at the back of his throat.

"Great idea!" Tingle wasted no time in agreeing. "Okay, everyone partner up, and prepare to fight!"

Mario naturally turned towards Link, but Wolf, who seemed eager to vent some of his frustration from Tingle, came over to them immediately. "Want to be fighting with your friend, hm?" he growled. "What, you going to have a pillow fight with each other? Can't let you do that, Mario. Faron, you'll be fighting with Luigi here." As he spoke, he reached over and plucked Luigi out of the crowd, looking just as nervous as ever. "As for you, Mario-"

Link out of the picture, Mario turned to Zelda. Wolf adopted a nasty grin. "Well, now I _know _you want that pillow fight," he growled. "But that's not how it works. Hyrule, you'll be working with Maria Shieka." He stood aside, revealing the girl standing behind him: she was large and brutish looking. "As for you Mario..." Wolf turned and beckoned to someone in the crowd. "Well, let's see if you can take a fight with Dragmire."

Bowser, grinning, came stomping over. "Oh, I've been looking forward to this," the turtle growled, cracking his knuckles.

"You mean your defeat?" Mario retorted, slipping his hat onto his head. "Me, too."

After a few moments, everyone was all sorted out onto separate mats, turning to look at each other, with Mario and Bowser in particular glaring at each other. Tingle called out: "Alright, at the count of three, do everything you can to get your opponent's power controller away from them! That's your _only_ goal, keep in mind! We don't want any accidents here!"

Even in his readiness to fight Bowser, Mario couldn't help but think, _You mean, another accident? _

"Alright!" Tingle called again, doing a cheerful backflip. "One, two-"

Mario never heard the three: Bowser had snatched a hammer out of seemingly nowhere and tossed it in a high arc at Mario. Mario was just able to dodge: he jumped over Bowser, high in the air, and began spinning himself around in a whirl of fists. Bowser grunted as the fists made contact, ducking backwards. Then he tucked himself into his shell and spun around like a top, hitting Mario with his spikes. Grunting in pain, Mario jumped back and threw a handful of fire at his enemy.

"Remember!" Tingle called out, starting to sound somewhat panicky, but trying to hide it behind his usual enthusiasm. "We're only going for power controllers, no KOs!"

However, this didn't stop Mario and Bowser's melee from growing increasingly intense. Bowser leapt forward and grabbed Mario, biting viciously into him several times. Mario eventually broke free, ducking under the turtle and driving his fist up as he leapt into the air. Bowser gave a grunt of pain, and several coins randomly flew out of him. In the air, Mario allowed himself a brief moment of amusement. _Wow, he's actually made of money!_ However, this moment proved to be his downfall: Bowser turned himself around in the air and brought himself crashing down to the ground, with Mario under him. Mario struggled free and turned around to deliver a kick to Bowser, but stopped as he heard Tingle's voice calling out again.

"Stop! Cease! Desist!" he was calling desperately.

"Break it up, you two, we're taking five!" Wolf growled as he moved forward to separate them. Turning their backs on each other, Mario and Bowser turned to look around at the scene.

Luigi and Link were both pitch black and covered in soot, and Link's sword was, once again, reduced to just the hilt. Ness and Diddy were collapsed together, panting. Zelda and Maria, however, were still moving. Maria had Zelda pinned the ground, with her elbow in Zelda's chest. Zelda was desperately tapping out, to no avail. Both their power controllers lay on the ground a few feet away. Seeing this, Wolf dashed over to break them up too.

"Well, that was an experience!" Tingle called, once everyone was broken up and looking back up at the stage. There were a few scattered groans, and one person muttered, "Oh, you think?" Tingle, ignoring this, called out, "I suppose our next lesson should be on how to call up a shield!"

"Or that could have been lesson one," Link muttered, glaring at him as he fingered his hilt.

"For this one, how about we get a couple of volunteers up here?" Tingle said, bouncing around. He pretended to be looking around for a moment, until his eyes fell on Mario and Link. "Ah, Mario, fairy boy, how about you?"

"He _would _choose us," Link sighed, seeming resigned.

"Hold up, Limpah," came a snarl, and everyone turned to see Wolf. "Mario, I can see, a _celebrity _teacher, after all-" he said with as much contempt as he could muster, "-but Faron's controller is even more broken than his education. Unless you want to send whatever we can find of Mario to the morgue, I'd suggest a replacement. How about-" and he, too, pretended to look around the room for a moment before pointing and calling out: "Ah, Dragmire, how about you?"

Bowser came stomping up to the stand. "Ready for round two, homy?" he muttered.

"More than," Mario muttered back.

"Glad to see you all so excited!" Tingle said, wriggling with excitement himself. "Okay, assume your positions!"

Mario and Bowser stalked off to opposite ends of the stage. "Alright, on the count of three, we will begin! One, two, three!"

Bowser wasted no time: he reached out and snapped his fingers. There was a burst of fire on the stage, and there was a quick bout of screaming, which was suddenly cut off as the fire extinguished itself, and where it had been stood a strange-looking turtle. It wasn't an anthro- it was walking on all fours- but it most certainly wasn't an ordinary turtle either. It was too large, and had an animosity in its eyes as it looked up at Mario that was absent from just about any other turtle in existence, ever. Mario heard Zelda gasp, "A koopa!"

The koopa glared around, looking as though its dearest wish was to annihilate everything in sight. Turning, its eyes fell on Duster Osohe, who happened to be nearby, and it began heading towards him.

Abruptly, Mario found himself walking across the stage. He couldn't have told anyone why he was doing it, it was more on instinct than any conscious decision he made. Nonetheless, he strode quickly over and shouted at the monstrous turtle, "That is not the student you are looking for!"

Abruptly, miraculously, the koopa stopped and turned to look at him. The animosity was gone from its eyes, replaced by a look of bewilderment that clearly said, "_Really? _We're going _there _now?" Mario inwardly sighed.. Well, at least it had stopped, even if it _had _been to marvel at what he'd just said.

Mario didn't know what to expect when he turned to look at Duster. Maybe he'd be relieved that the koopa had backed off, maybe he'd be surprised that it had listened to Mario, or maybe exasperated at what Mario had said, but the one expression Mario hadn't expected to see there was fear. "What- how- why-" he stuttered, backing up.

Mario became aware of a growing buzzing noise as everyone began to talk at once. He felt a hand at his shoulder and turned to see Link there. Link looked him in the eyes, motioning with his head towards the door. Mario, understanding, followed his friend off the stage and through the crowd.

Outside, Zelda joined them as they headed up the stairs to the nearest convenient abandoned classroom, where the two of them turned on him.

"Well, you could have told us you were a Mi-Go,"* Link said.

"I'm a what?" Mario asked, looking at him in bewilderment.

"A Mi-Go," Link repeated, looking at him like he'd never seen him before. "You talk to koopas!"

"I... I guess I am?" Mario said uncertainly. "That one seemed to understand me, at least. Why?"

"What do you mean, 'why?'" Link asked in exasperation. "Don't you realize how huge this is?"

"Not really," Mario shrugged. "I was just calling the koopa off of him, what's the big deal?"

"See, Link?" Zelda said, patting the swordsman on the back. "He was just calling him off. Maybe with another reference. Nothing worse than that."

"Well, yeah, I was calling him off!" Mario exclaimed. "You were all there, didn't you hear me?"

"We did, but we didn't understand you," Link said. "You were talking to a koopa- and to do that, you have to speak its language!"

"Language?" Mario asked, bewildered. "I... I wasn't speaking another language!"

"You wouldn't have noticed," Zelda said. "I read that Mi-Go hear the koopa's language as normal English. It's not a normal language."

"Well, then, why wasn't there anyone else who could hear what I was saying?" Mario pointed out.

"They wouldn't," Link said, looking grave. "Mi-Go are very rare- it's a gift usually passed down through blood."

"Do you guys have a point?" Mario asked, starting to get irritated. "If you do, would you just get to it already?"

Zelda sighed. "The thing is, Mario, one of the most famous Mi-Go of all time was Proton Jon."

This sentence hit Mario like a backhand from the Flaaghra. "You mean... _that _Proton Jon?"

"Yes," Zelda said. "The one who founded Sierra. He was well-known for talking to koopas. And now that we know you can, too..."

Mario opened and closed his mouth like a fish out of water. "But... but... you... you guys don't think I'm actually Jon's heir, do you?"

"Of course not!" Link said quickly. "We know you'd never do something like that! But, buddy, you'll have to brace yourself for a storm- not everyone knows you as well as we do."

XXXX

That night, Mario lay awake. He'd planned to try speaking in koopa-language again, just to see if he could, but he couldn't see how he could without someone standing by to tell him what language he was speaking- Zelda had said Mi-Go heard koopa-language as English, and neither she nor Link would be keen on helping him with something like that.

And so he was musing instead. Could it be true? Could he be related to Proton Jon? He knew he wasn't his heir- he'd obviously know- or would he? He'd been able to speak another language without realizing it, who knew what else he might be able to do without ever being aware?

Finally, he made his decision. There was nothing else for it: he'd just have to talk with Duster about it the next day during Daisy's class. Just talk to him and tell him what had really happened that day- though really, he thought, it should have been obvious to begin with.

XXXX

However, as usual, fate seemed bent on messing him up as much as possible. The next day, there was a blizzard, and Daisy's class was shut down as she hurried to treat the Boku Babas. As the time that they would have gone there came, Mario sighed, told Link and Zelda he had to go do something, and headed out to try and find Duster.

As he headed out of the warm hub into the cold hallways, he had to jump back from almost going through a ghost that happened to be passing by.

"Whoah, watch it!" the ghost said, jumping back. Looking, Mario gave an inward sigh: it was Adam _again. _

"You know, at this rate, you'll be a regular character in this story," he said.

"Yeah, tell me about it," Adam muttered quietly. "Well, it's good I almost ran into you, Mario. I just was looking for you. I wanted to tell you-"

"Tell me what?" Mario asked.

"I was just about to say," Adam said, sounding impatient. "What I wanted to say was- I'm pretty sure you _aren't _Jon's heir."

"Y-you are?" Mario asked in surprise.

"Yep," Adam said. "I couldn't tell you who it actually is, but I'm sure that it isn't you."

"Maybe you could tell some other people that," Mario muttered.

"Well, you know rumors," Adam pointed out. "They wouldn't die just because I said that, no pun intended. Anyways, where are you heading?"

"I wanted to find Duster, to tell him what really happened," Mario explained.

"Duster, Duster, Duster," Adam mused. "He's from Hal, right?"

"Yeah."

"I had a good friend in Hal once," Adam mused. "And Nintendo. And Retro. I was from Sierra, myself. We were a great group..."

"Yeah, would you know where Duster is?" Mario asked, waving his hand in front of Adam's eye holes.

"Oh, right, Duster. Well, I don't know about Duster himself, but there was a group of Hals studying in the library."

"Well, it's as good a lead as any. Thanks, Adam," Mario said, turning to leave.

"Any time," Adam said. "Oh, and Mario!" he added abruptly. "Good luck."

Mario stared as Adam turned and left. Why did he need good luck just to go and look for Duster? It might be a little tricky, but not _that _tricky, surely? Shrugging it off, he turned and went to head towards the library.

XXXX

Walking through the library, Mario's eyes fell on what seemed to be the group of Hals Adam had been talking about. They were talking animatedly with each other. He headed towards them, but stopped abruptly as he heard his own name being brought up. His walk became a creep, and he slid over behind a nearby bookshelf to listen in.

"-Mario's marked him up," a boy that Mario recognized by sight as Lucas. "I guess he has a list of all his enemies, and he's prepared to cross out their names one by one..."

"That's pretty serious," said a girl sitting across from him. She was dressed in strange clothing, and was wearing her hair with a top knot. "Are you sure?"

"Look, Maya," Lucas said, looking solemnly over at her, "I want to believe in him as much as you do, but... he's a Mi-Go. That's always been a red flag of an evil smasher, hasn't it?"

"But..." Maya said, looking like she was grasping for the right words, "look at everything he's done! He saved the Hylian Stone last year, and he's beaten You-Know-Who twice!"

"And why is You-Know-Who so desperate to beat him, anyways?" Lucas pointed out, still in that solemn voice. "Mario was just a baby back when he first tried. I think he detected another evil smasher rising- one that would be able to even challenge him! Think about it! How could he even have survived that attack, anyways, if he didn't have some sort of evil power up his sleeve that he's been hiding ever since-"

This was the last straw for Mario. Without even pausing to speak with them, he turned and stormed out of the library, stalking up the stairs, not even paying attention to where he was going- and thus walking headlong into what felt like a solid wall. He bounced back slightly, and looked up at whatever he'd run into: a gigantic left hand wearing a mitten. Noting that it was the left hand, he muttered, "Oh, hi, Crazy."

"How it be goin', Marios?" the giant hand asked, his warm voice at complete odds with that fact that he was clenched in a fist.

"Oh, nothing," Mario said. "Carrying something there?"

"Oh, dis? Tis just be a ticken!" As he spoke, he unfolded and revealed a dead chicken. "And no, I no be da killer! I be findin all da tickens being dead and on in teh coop! Me no know what wanna kill a ticken, but it be ruinin mah business! I wanna be a starship- er, I means... I wanna set up some defense around the coop, but... well, you nosies..."

Yeah, Mario knew. Since Crazy had been expelled from the Smash Bros. when he was young, he could only officially use his powers if the Master Hand gave him permission. "Alright, see you, Crazy." Eager to not get into a conversation, he moved along.

He wasn't sure where he was going, but he stopped abruptly as he heard _that _voice, again. "I shall rise from the pit and make war against God!"

Mario froze. He'd know those horror cliches anywhere. For a moment, he stood silent. This time, anger overcame his horror, and he turned and ran off down a corridor, pursuing the voice. "Where are you?" he muttered under his breath.

"I am the fire, and the hatred, and the death!"

He ran faster and faster, desperately pursuing the voice, only to be stopped as he suddenly tripped headlong over something on the ground.

Groaning and rubbing his head, he turned to see what he'd tripped over, and suddenly, all his horror rushed back.

The something that he'd tripped over was Duster Osohe, laying facedown on the ground, and completely turned to stone. Looking forward, Mario saw, to even more horror, that Duster wasn't alone: floating upright a few feet ahead was Pit the ghost, floating with a look of horror on his face, fixated on a point somewhere down the hall.

"What are you here for, Ma-" said a voice behind him, and he spun around to see Mido, who seemed to have stopped speaking as he noticed the whole scene. For a moment, he was silent, then he said, "Well, the game's over now, Mario. You'll be leaving this mansion tonight. Mark my words."

"Mido?" came another voice, and Mario turned to see Samus striding down the hallway. "What's going on here?"

She froze abruptly as she saw Duster and Pit. For a moment, she stood there, taking the whole scene in. Then, speaking as stiffly as if she'd turned to stone herself, she said, "Follow me, Mario."

Mario hopelessly turned and began to follow her down the hall. Desperately, he tried to defend himself. "Ms. Aran, I didn't-"

"I can't decide that anymore," Samus interrupted, quickening her pace.

Eventually, they came upon a mural on the wall of a platform floating in space, with a background that seemed to be shifting as they watched. Samus walked up to the wall and knocked on it. A sudden voice spoke, asking a single question: "What's the greatest snack in the world?"

"Red vines!" Samus answered, loud and clear.

The wall split in half, and the halves disappeared, revealing a staircase hiding behind them. Samus motioned for him to go up, but made no move to follow.

Nervously, Mario headed up the stairs, until he came upon a large door bearing the Smash Bros. coat of arms: a lion, an R with a lightning bolt at the end, a sleeping dog laying on some eggs, and a mountain with horizontal triangles running through it, all surrounding the circle with the horizontal line near the bottom, and the vertical line near the left. Now he understood. This could be nowhere else but the Master Hand's office.

_XXXX_

*A cookie to anyone who knows where I got Mi-Go from.

Well... wasn't that a long chapter? Wow. I am pleased with myself for managing to get out another chapter so soon. Maybe I shouldn't stroke my ego so much, but... whatever. Anyways, please R&R, constructive criticism welcome, flames not so much, (though maybe I should welcome them, with winter setting in here,) Gamer4 out.


	12. Transformo-Candy

Gamer4 in. Welcome to an extremely, specially bizarre chapter of Mario Mario and the Dungeon of Secrets, starring Kurt Russell. Hopefully it will be out before 2031.

Disclaimer: You know, by the time this chapter is up, maybe Harry Potter and Smash Bros. will be in the public domain, and I can stop writing these.

Chapter XII

Transformo-Candy

Trembling violently, Mario raised his hand and knocked on the door. There was no answer, but it swung wide open for him to enter. If he wasn't worried about whether or not he'd be allowed to stay at the mansion, he would have grumbled about yet another cliche, but he let it slide this time, silently entering the Master Hand's office.

His first thought was that the place looked less like an office than a cluttered living room. It was a tall room with two staircases on opposite walls leading up to a sort of balcony overlooking the half of the room nearer to Mario. Between these two staircases was a chair sitting behind a desk, the only office-like thing in the whole room, and even they were much more elegant that Mario would have expected.

Several windows filtered light into the room, but only one showed anything Mario recognized as the grounds of the Smash Mansion. The others showed sweeping landscapes, old castles, tall mountains, and one showed something like a hypnotic light show, a spiraling white circle with tendrils of blue spinning around it, with occasional reds and yellows. As he watched, the image changed to show a sweeping view of a sunset over a calm sea. The window lingered on this image for a moment before flicking back to the light show. Mario would have liked to watch it a little longer, but there was plenty around the room itself to earn his attention.

There were various strange items scattered around the room, including on the Master Hand's desk. Among these was the pendant Mario had seen the Master Hand using before, half of the yin-yang symbol, made out of solid jade, set with a gem of some kind where the dot was. Next to this pendant was a photo in a frame, showing a young man with black hair that seemed to defy gravity. He was dressed in a blue suit. Like all smasher pictures, it was moving- the young man was shouting something out, and pointing dramatically at something just out of the camera's range. Both these items were standing on top of a blood-red book. Examining the book closer, Mario couldn't find a title, only a buckle that kept the book closed, with a strange design on it. It was somewhat intriguing, but he felt like it wasn't something he needed to be worrying about right now. Maybe in four years or so.

He returned to scanning the room, until his eyes fell on a strange device perched on a shelf nearby. It resembled the love child of a backpack and water pump.

He dashed over and strapped it to his back. After a couple seconds, in its familiar monotone, the Sorting FLUDD spoke: "Something wrong with your normal backpack, Mario? An urgent need to spray things down?"

"Yeah, something like that," Mario muttered. "Actually, the thing is, I was wondering-"

"-if I picked the right group for you?" the FLUDD guessed. "Right you are to wonder. Never have I had a harder decision- you are literally the student I've had the most trouble placing. It was strange, as if I were trying to sort two students at once. However, I stand by my decision- Sierra would have suited you well."

Mario's stomach disappeared, and he wasted no time in taking the FLUDD off his back and returning it to its place.

Before he could do anything else, he was distracted by a soft cawing behind him. He spun around to see a strange bird sitting on a perch next to the Master Hand's desk. It was large, with what appeared to be red and gold feathers. Approaching closer, he saw that the gold feathers were actually flames dancing on the bird. The creature seemed old and tired as it looked forlornly up at him, and the flames were burning low, looking more like candle flames than anything else, candle flames about to burn out.

Suddenly, Mario leapt back in shock. The fire had begun to spread, consuming the whole bird, devouring the poor creature. Being a pyromancer, Mario wasn't nearly as experienced in putting fires out as he was in causing them, and he danced around, looking for something to extinguish the flames. Meanwhile, what had just been less impressive than a candle expanded into a roaring inferno, before ending as abruptly as it had begun. The Master Hand's bird had entirely disintegrated.

There was a click, and a door on the balcony above opened. Out from it emerged a gently floating giant right hand. Mario began stuttering. "Muh-muh-muh- Master Hand! Th- the bird, he-she-it... just caught fire! I couldn't-"

The Master Hand calmly raised himself for silence. "I didn't expect much else," he said. "The poor bird's been looking worse every day."

"What," Mario said flatly.

"Look again," the Master Hand suggested.

Mario did so, and was shocked once more. The ashes were wriggling, and slowly, the ash at the top of the pile began to part. A new bird began to rise from the ashes of the old one, looking curiously around at the world. Like the old bird, small flames crackled around it, no bigger than candle flames, but where the old bird's flames were old and on the verge of extinguishing, the new flames were bright, merry, ready to burn brighter.

The Master Hand quietly laughed. "Wright here is a Ho-oh, Mario. They inspired the legend of phoenixes. You might say they _are _phoenixes, as even some smashers don't know the difference. And, like those birds of legend, they burst into flame instead of dying, and rise once more from the ashes." As he spoke, the hand floated down the stairs and took a seat behind the desk. "Wonderful creatures, truly. They can carry weights unimagined by other creatures, and even their tears can heal most any wound."

Mario stared as he took a seat in a chair opposite the Master Hand. "Why are you telling me this, sir?"

"Foreshadowing, my boy, otherwise it will be a deus ex machina- and some will insist it is anyways."

"Wait, what will they insist is deus ex machina?"

"Don't worry, Mario, you'll see soon enough," the Master Hand said simply. He shifted into human form. "Now," he said, and Mario suddenly remembered why he was there in the first place.

However, before either of them could say anything, the door burst open. On the other side was the Crazy Hand, holding his chickens and still clad in his mitten. He rushed in and began dashing around, dropping the chickens next to a shelf. "He no be doin it, brudda!" he cried desperately. "I be talkin at him da same timedat ghosty n' kid get pet-petir-peta- stonified! He not gotta time! I ready swear in front of whole _Government!_"

Throughout this little rant, the Master Hand had been trying to signal for silence, but the signals that worked for Mario seemed to make no impression on his half-brother. Finally, he raised his voice and called, "CRAZY!" Once Crazy managed to calm himself as much as he could, the Master Hand spoke, abruptly returning to his normal voice. "I believe in Mario's innocence."

"Dat great, dere no way you tink he do it, 'cause-" Crazy started, before cutting himself off. "Oh. Oooohhhh. Oh. I... I goes outside n' wait, den." And he quietly picked up his chicken and floated out, looking embarrassed.

"Y-you don't think it was me?" Mario asked, relief flooding through him.

"No, I don't," the Master Hand agreed. "But there is one thing I need to ask before you go. Is there anything you want to tell me?"

Mario had a brief flashback to everything he could tell the Master Hand right now, a long list of information currently spreading across eleven chapters and three pages. But he chickened out at the last second. "No, sir, nothing."

For a moment, it seemed like the Master Hand's hand had twitched towards the yin-yang pendant on his desk, but the next moment, he simply leaned back and nodded. "I see," he said, though he didn't sound overly convinced. "You may go."

And so it came to be that Mario rushed from the room, leaving behind a Master Hand clearly deep in thought.

XXXX

We now return you to your normal pre-chapter update on the status of the Smash Mansion itself.

As you can imagine, the residents of the large house weren't exactly overloaded with confidence at the news of the attack on Pit and Duster. However, it was mostly Pit's attack that was the game changer. Duster was, no respect to him, just another victim, but Pit's attack totally changed everything they'd assumed up to this point- whatever the Smash Bros. Horror was, it was so horrible it could hurt _ghosts. _Beforehand, there had been a quiet, haunting feeling in the halls of the Smash Mansion, but the newest attack led to an outbreak of open panic. The end result was a preparation for a large-scale exodus from the Smash Mansion during winter break. Zelda compared it to rats abandoning a sinking ship, while Link chose to compare it to guests fleeing a party, with the last one behind getting the check.

"Though I notice Bowser, Ganondorf, and Wario seem happy to pick it up," he commented one day. "Those three, staying at school over break? Su-spic-ious!" Mario looked up as random creepy music played over Link's words.

"Don't complain, it will be a good chance to interrogate them," Zelda pointed out.

Sure enough, Bowser and his cronies had signed up to remain at the mansion over winter break. Making this even more suspicious was that even Sierras were joining the mass exodus. However, even the prospect of being alone in the mansion with those three didn't make Mario any less keen for winter break to come.

Despite the Master Hand's belief in him, several of the other students were beginning to treat him like the plague, skirting around him nervously in the hallways with their eyes flicking from side to side. At the core of this seemed to be Lucas, who maintained that Mario was Proton Jon's heir, having proved it at the Fight Club. Mario was sure that Lucas was just trying to keep anyone else from getting hurt, but he also couldn't help feeling the young Hal was doing more harm than good.

Of course, there were a couple students not taking this whole thing seriously. Guess who they were.

...No, really, guess.

I'll even give you a few lines.

...

...

...

...

Okay, I'll tell you.

As you've probably already guessed, it was Kirby and Meta Knight Faron. Given that they hardly took anything seriously anyways, Mario wasn't particularly surprised when they started cracking jokes about the whole thing. They were parading around the corridors, offering mock-advice to anyone who would listen, and went to great lengths to go ahead of Mario in the hallways, pretending to be his evil henchmen. They would take turns, with one hunching over and lurching around, referring to Mario as 'master.' Meanwhile, the other one would be Mario's right-hand-man, calling his brother 'minion,' and relaying orders that supposedly came from Mario himself.

Peach was upset at this whenever she caught them at it, but Mario actually thought it was pretty funny, not to mention great to know that he had Kirby and Meta Knight on his side, at least.

No, what caught Mario's eye as strange was that Bowser was no more amused than Peach was- on the contrary, he seemed more and more annoyed every time he saw them at it.

"He's jealous," Link said wisely when Mario confided this to him. "He's doing all the dirty work, and you're getting all the credit."

"We'll know for sure soon," Zelda said comfortingly. "The transformo-candy is just about done."

XXXX

Finally, winter break arrived, and everyone headed out the front door, ignoring the massive banner that Kirby and Meta Knight had put over the door reading, _Last one out, Turn off the Lights!_ One by one, the mass of students headed across the grounds to the station where the Great Fox was waiting to take them to SeaTac airport.

Eventually, the only ones left behind were Mario, Zelda, the Farons, Bowser, and his cronies.

All the Farons had different reasons for staying behind. Link's were obvious. Peach didn't want to go on the vacation Mr. and Mrs. Faron were planning (a visit to Linebeck in South Africa) and had chosen to stay behind. Kirby and Meta, meanwhile, didn't feel like running out on the rest of the gang. Rob, on the other hand, had repeatedly assured them that he wouldn't be staying if his services weren't required so heavily there.

Mario, as you can imagine, was perfectly fine with all this. Just being free from people muttering about him would have been an improvement, but it was all the better that the Farons were staying, too. (Except, of course, for Rob.) They had themselves a gay old time- well, I mean- oh, you know what I mean.

Bottom line, Mario was in a good mood by the time he went to sleep on Christmas Eve.

For once, he had an easy sleep, aside from a strange dream involving him, Link, and Luigi dressed in old, out of date red clothing and dancing around on a stage.

This bizarre nighttime vision popped like a bubble as he felt a pillow hitting him in the face. "Get up!" a voice was saying. After a few seconds of hard thought, he recognized it as Zelda's.

"Zelda? What's going on?" he asked- or, at least, tried to. It came out more like, "Zeduh? Wud go-in on?"

"You too, Link!" Zelda continued, and Mario heard a thump that sounded like Link had gotten a pillow to the head, too.

"Whodat?" Ling muttered, sitting up in his bed and rubbing his eyes. Finally, working himself into a half-awake state, his eyes focused on Zelda, and he let out a yelp before diving underneath his covers. "Zelda!" he cried. "This is the boy's dorm!"

"Merry Christmas," Zelda muttered. "Listen, it's ready! The transformo-candy!"

Mario perked up. "Really?"

Zelda rolled her eyes. "No, I burst into your dorm early morning on Christmas day to play an April Fool's Day prank."

"As in, we-can-finish-this-tonight ready?" Link asked, poking his head out from under his blanket.

"Yes, I just added the Red Essence, and all that's missing is a bit of who we'll be impersonating. Oh, and I got you two some presents." With this, she reached behind her and tossed them each a package. Mario's joined a pile at the foot of his bed, which he wasted no time in turning his attention to.

Mario's included a case of home-made Mountain Dew from the Crazy Hand, a copy of one of his favorite books, _Legacy of Smash-Up, _from Link (he'd previously only been able to read the library's copy,) a genuinely interesting book on smashing history from Zelda, and- his personal favorite- a paper clip from the Smiths.

Finally, he opened the last present to unveil a hand-knitted sweater from Mrs. Faron, different only in color from the one currently being unwrapped by Link, along with a large cake. He was sure, later on, that he'd have enjoyed the cake more if the Sky Runner Incident wasn't fresh in his mind.

XXXX

No matter how you celebrate the holidays- or whichever holiday you celebrate, for that matter,- you haven't seen anything unless it was at the Smash Mansion. The highlights included twelve gigantic Christmas trees provided by Crazy, and, thankfully, they turned out to be much less lethal than his 'special crops' from Halloween. Magnificent decorations produced by a collaboration between the Hands, Daisy, Pikachu, Samus, and Wolf festooned the dining hall. I like that word- festooned. Crazy was growing more and more twitchy as he downed glass after glass of Mountain Dew. As a holiday prank, Kirby and Meta Knight had defaced Rob's badge to read _Silver Swimming Certificate. _Rob, who, in a small bout of out-of-characterness (is that how you say it?) hadn't looked at his badge yet that day, and didn't understand why no one could look at him with a straight face. Bowser, Ganondorf, and Wario were camping at the Sierra table, throwing insults at Nintendo whenever they thought they could get away with it. Usually, Mario had retorted, but he had found something much more worth his time to investigate, and much more urgent than even the Smash Bros. Horror- namely, the Christmas feast.

XXXX

Mario had finished his eighth pound of cake by the time he started to get full, and meanwhile, Link was just getting started on his binge. That said, it was more to Link's chagrin than to Mario's when Zelda tapped them on the shoulders and ushered them into the hallway to explain... _the_ _plan._

"We just need two more things to pull off... _the plan,_" she explained.

"Why did you say it like that?" Mario asked, raising his eyebrows.

"Say what like what?"

"Never mind, never mind," Mario muttered.

Zelda stared at him for a moment, then continued. "Anyways, first, we'll need a bit of whoever we're changing into, ideally Ganondorf and Wario- even more ideally, a bit of hair."

"Well, that's great," Link muttered. "I'll just add that to our shopping list, shall I? 'Bread, eggs, milk, and some hair from Ganondorf and Wario."

"If you've got a better idea, go ahead," Zelda growled, flaring up. "But that's what we need for... _the plan._"

"You just did it again," Mario pointed out.

"Did what?"

"You're saying it weird."

"Saying _what _wheird?" Zelda asked, putting much emphasis on the h's.

Mario stared, then said, "You know what? Forget it."

"I whill!" Zelda said, still sounding somewhat offended. "I whill forget it!"

"Wait a second," Link said, sounding like something had just occurred to him. "Who'll you be disguised as?"

Zelda proudly produced a bottle containing a few blond hairs. "Maria Sheikah- Sierra."

"We figured Sierra," Mario pointed out. "Didn't think we'd be sneaking into the Sierra hub disguised as Hals, you know."

Zelda glared at him again. "You'll find any issue, won't you? It's genius! Sheikah's gone home for the winter, so all I need to do is say I decided to stay at the last second!"

"Wait, so how will we deal with Ganondorf and Wario?" Link asked.

"That's the second thing," Zelda continued. "We can't have the real Ganbondorf and Wario coming in on us, so I have a side plan to assist... _the plan._" Mario opened his mouth, but thought better of it.

"You want us to kill them?" Link asked, an eager light flashing into his eyes.

"What? _No! _Of course not!" Zelda protested, staring at him. She produced two cans of Mountain Dew.

"Oh, sweet, I _was _getting thirsty," Link said, reaching for the can.

"NO!" Zelda said quickly, withdrawing her hands. "They're both spiked with a sleeping power-up I borrowed from Meta Knight! If they drink it, they'll be out in seconds. Find a way to get them to drink it, then meet me in the locker room. Have fun!" she said quickly, before rushing upstairs.

Mario and Link turned to stare at each other. "Did you notice something wrong with her?" Link asked, looking bewildered.

XXXX

It was to Mario's immense relief- and equally immense surprise- that this area of the plan actually worked. Not without a hitch, mind you.

First, Mario and Link procured walky-talkies from... somewhere. Next, they put up a big sign right next tot he cans of soda, reading _FREE MOUNTAIN DEW HERE! _Link took up a covert position next to their trap, while Mario watched from across the hall. As they waited, Link began musing. "Why are they called walky-talkies?"

"What do you mean?"

"It's just such a ridiculous name. 'What's this invention?' 'It's a special radio that lets you talk to someone nearby.' 'Interesting, what's it called?' 'WALKY-TALKY! Look, I'm walky and I'm talky!'"

"Who knows?" Mario shrugged. "All I'm learning from this chapter is that Gamer4 is apparently a big fan of Brian Regan."

The doors from the dining hall swung open, and out came Ganondorf and Wario. Mario and Link frantically motioned at one another to be quiet. By the time they each got the signal, Wario's well-trained eyes had fallen on the sign, and he happily charged over to them, Ganondorf following somewhat reluctantly in his wake. Wario said something, then picked up one of the sodas and popped the top. "He's going to drink it!" Link reported excitedly, but suddenly, disaster struck. Ganondorf moved forward and grabbed the soda away from his comrade. He was looking around suspiciously.

"Uh-oh," Link said. "Ganondorf knows! He suspects us!"

"Shut up!" Mario hissed. Ganondorf had looked up to see where Link's cry had come from. Wario, however, was not to be deterred. Seizing his chance at Ganondorf's distraction, he moved in to seize his soda. Ganondorf, already agitated, made to push him away, but nothing stood between Wario and his food, and it swiftly became an all-out melee.

"Wow, this doesn't look pretty," Link continued reporting as the fight ensued. "Oh, and we have a winner!"

Wario, always implacable where food was concerned, had knocked Ganondorf to the ground, unconscious. Triumphantly, Wario picked up his can, which had somehow not spilled a drop, and downed the whole thing in one monstrous gulp. For a moment, he stood there, victorious, then he suddenly collapsed to the ground.

"Success!" Link cheered. "Kind of." With that, he rushed from his covert spot and over to the two unconscious members of Sierra.

As he did, a spastic-looking left hand floated out of the dining hall. "Oh, dat be grate feast, hit da spot," Crazy said, floating around. Suddenly, his lack-of-eyes fell on the sign. "FREE MOUNTAIN DEWSIES?! HOT DOG!" He wasted no time in rushing over.

"Wait- Crazy, no!" both Mario and Link cried as the hand charged forward, but it was too late. Crazy picked it up and downed it even quicker than Wario. For a moment, he continued floating, then he said, "D'oh, I missed!" and collapsed to the ground along with the two students.

Mario and Link looked up each other. "Well, at least Ganondorf and Wario are out," Link shrugged. They looked down as Ganondorf moaned and began to raise his head. Link quickly

rushed in and returned him to unconsciousness.

XXXX

And so it came to be that Mario and Link rushed into the Poe's locker room, with a few hairs each from Ganondorf and Wario. They explained to Zelda what had happened, and how they'd put Ganondorf and Wario themselves in a nearby closet that just happened to lock up while they were doing it. Then they explained how they'd brought Crazy up to Nurse Tessie.

"Great," Zelda muttered. "Well, at least you got the hair. Check this out-" and here, she produced a suit of armor in the style of Ganondorf, and some yellow clothing ala Wario. "Don't- don't ask how I got it, okay?" she asked. "We'll need it if we're going to fool Bowser."

It was a mark of how eager they all were to be done with this whole thing that they didn't stare at her a little longer at this. Zelda brought up a cooking pot full of something that looked like silly putty. She pulled out three 'servings' and dropped them on some plates that she'd brought up, where they pulled back into themselves almost like living things. Mario wasn't looking forward to swallowing them, let's just say that much.

One by one, they each dropped their hair on their serving of putty. They each twitched and writhed, before turning into-

"Laffy taffy," Mario said flatly, staring at the candy on the plates. "Transformo-candy is magical laffy taffy."

Link and Zelda shrugged. Mario's had turned yellow, Link's red, and Zelda's white. As one, they each picked up their transformo-candy and did their best to swallow whole. Mario's tasted like banana flavor.

Suddenly, they all doubled over, feeling sick. Link and Zelda wasted no time in rushing into the two stalls that were in the locker room, but Mario bent over the sink in case of sickness, slowly looking up at the mirror as he did.

It was very strange. His upper lip suddenly sprouted a great deal of black hair, stretched around in a crooked fashion. He couldn't help feeling that, aside from the crookedness of the moustache, that it was a nice feeling. Meanwhile, he suddenly rapidly began putting on weight in a fashion that would make most health nuts faint. His nose swelled up and turned pinkish, and his chin formed a cleft.

And that was it. Mario reflected that, aside from a hundred or so pounds, he and Wario didn't actually look all that different. A mildly disturbing thought. Then again, so was the thought of a twelve-year old who'd already developed a thick, black, crooked moustache. Mario shrugged and quickly slipped into Wario's clothes- heck, the only real difference between his clothes and Wario's, even, was that his were red while Wario's were yellow. Reluctantly, he set down his red hat, and picked up Wario's yellow one. Luckily, unlike Mario, Wario's hat wasn't his power controller, so he had multiples.

He turned around and called out, "Alright, Link, Zelda, let's get going, shall we?" His voice was much deeper now, and had a certain quality to it that he couldn't quite define.

"Coming," said a voice from Link's stall that sounded so deep Mario was surprised it didn't shake the earth. Seriously, that voice sounded like evil itself personified.

Link's stall opened, and Mario had a brief moment of amusement in seeing Ganondorf dressed in Link's clothes before Link moved over and changed into Ganondorf's armor. Mario could see him wanting to move quickly- Ganondorf had a good two feet on Link, those clothes had to be somewhat restricting.

"Alright, Zelda, come on out," Link growled in his insanely deep voice. "We're ready to go."

Zelda's voice squeaked out from behind the stall's door. "I- I won't be going, that's okay."

Mario and Link exchanged looks with each other. "Oh, come on, Zelda, none of us are ourselves anyways. We'll even look away when you dress."

"That's not- it doesn't matter!" Zelda said. Mario couldn't help thinking that her voice sounded strange, though he couldn't put his finger on why. She continued. "Hurry up, you two, you're wasting time! You only have an hour before you turn back to normal!"

Mario and Link threw shocked looks at each other, then turned and rushed out of the room, and down the hall. Well, Mario did. Link was moving incredibly slowly- side effect of being Ganondorf, apparently.

It was only now that they realized what the biggest flaw in their plan was- they'd never paid any thought to how they'd actually get to the Sierra hub once they'd eaten the transformo-candy. At one point, they met a female prefect, a red robot, who'd they'd attempted to ask for directions, but she'd turned out to be from Retro. They decided to start by heading downstairs.

As they headed down one hallway, they heard a sudden cry from the end- a strangely monotone cry. "Halt, trespassers!" They turned to see Rob gliding down the hallway.

"Trespassers?" Link said, looking confused. "What are you talking about?"

"You should not be out of your hubs so late. It has been so dangerous lately," Rob said.

"You're out and about," Link pointed out.

"I am a prefect- I'd like to meet the creature that had the courage to attack me!" Rob boasted. Geez, how conceited can you get from just a monotone?

"Well, you know what they say," Mario said innocently, "be careful what you wish for."

Rob glared at them. "Who are you two again?"

The two fumbled around for a moment before a shout came from the hallway- again. "Yo, Ganondorf, Wario, what are you two doing out here?"

They all turned to see Bowser hurrying down the hall. "I had something I wanted to show you two. Isn't there a limit on how long you can eat in that feast?"

Mario and Link quickly shrugged. Bowser's eyes turned from them to Rob. "What are you doing down here, Faron? This is Sierra turf."

"Watch your mouth, Dragmire!" Rob said, glaring at the anthro turtle. "I am quite within my rights to-"

"Yeah, yeah, whatever," Bowser said, yawning obviously. "Come on, you two, lets get down to the hub." With that, he turned away, snapping his fingers in rhythm as he made his way down the hall. After a moment, Mario and Link followed.

"Freaking Farons, man," Bowser said, continuing to snap his fingers. "You know what he's up to, of course- wants to catch Proton Jon's heir single handedly." Here, he laughed. "Like he has any chance."

They arrived at a stretch of bare wall that, to Mario, resembled every other wall in the place. "Wait," Bowser said. "Oh, dang, forgot the password."

He turned, and saw a ghost floating by. "Yo, homy, what's the password?"

The ghost turned- it was Adam. "How can I tell you that?"

"You know I'm in Sierra," Bowser growled, flaring up. "Give me the password, alright, G?"

"G?" Adam asked, uncomprehending. "Oh, all right- I'm pretty sure it's _wollywog _tonight." He sounded distinctly unimpressed by the Sierras' chosen password.

"Oh, right," Bowser said, smiling slightly. "Wollywog!"

The piece of wall they were standing in front of began to glow, then slid open. Bowser entered, still snapping, with Mario and Link hot on his heels.

Mario and Link looked around. Really, this place wasn't unlike the Nintendo hub- the same types of armchairs around a fire in the wall. The only real difference that Mario could make out was that instead of the grounds outside the window, there was lake water outside, with fish occasionally swimming curiously up to the window.

"Take a seat, won't you?" Bowser said, sitting down in his own chair. Together, the three sat down on the armchairs.

"Of course," Bowser reflected, "the Farons are all the same, when you get right down to it. A bigger bunch of traitors to their own kind you couldn't find. Trying to _protect _muggles. Embarrassments to the smasher world."

Mario glanced nervously over at Link, who was making an impressive effort to not get angry- at least, no angrier than Ganondorf normally looked. But then Bowser continued. "Maybe that family would be better off going to join those muggles they like so much- then they could get stomped out along with the rest of them when pure-bloods take power again."

He laughed, but Link balled a hand into a fist and brought it down onto the arm of the chair. Not having taken Ganondorf's improved strength into account, he made the stuffing leak out.

"Something wrong there, dog?" Bowser asked, and Mario was surprised to see genuine concern spread over the turtle's face.

"Just a stomachache," Link improvised wildly.

Bowser calmed down. "Well, then head off up to the Nurse, I suppose. While you're there, give them a message from me- they're better off up there, where they belong. Things aren't going to stop here, homies. Everything's just going to keep getting worse, until every wollywog is either dead or a statue. Not that the rest of the world will know, with that stupid hand running things- according to the old man, the Master Hand's been keeping this all quiet. Worst thing that ever happened to this school."

"Wrong!" Mario couldn't stop himself from shouting.

Bowser's eyes narrowed- he didn't seem to be happy at the contradiction. "You got something to say, homy?" he growled. "You think there's someone here worse than the Master Hand?"

Mario choked, desperately casting his mind around for an idea. Finally, he said, "Mario Mario?"

Bowser froze, then, slowly, leaned back in his seat, a smile crossing his face. "Good call, there, Wario," he said, seeming placated. "You're right. Mario Mario, friend of muggles and wollywogs alike. It pains me, buddies, 'cause he's another one that could be great, he's got the blood for it, but he has no pride in it! Hanging around with that traitor Faron, and that wollywog Hyrule, and people _still _think he's Jon's heir!"

Mario and Link perked up, clinging to Bowser's words. Here it came...

"I do wish I knew who it really was," Bowser said thoughtfully. "I'd help them."

And there it went.

Mario thought fast. They couldn't let all those weeks of preparation go to waste. "Don't you have any idea who it is?"

"No, I don't," Bowser sighed. "I told you that five times already. How many times you gonna make me tell you? I tried asking the old man about it, but he wasn't any help. All he'd tell me was a bit about the last time the Dungeon of Secrets opened, fifty years ago- around the same time the last chapter came out, come to think of it. Dad was saying I can't know too much about it all, or I'll seem suspicious, but he did tell me one thing- last time it opened, a wollywog died. The way I figure it, one of them will be dying soon this time, too. Any luck and it'll be Hyrule."

Mario cast his mind around for another question to ask. "Do you know who did it last time?"

"No," Bowser sighed. "But they got caught, though. Probably still in Subspace."

"Subspace?" Mario asked blankly.

Bowser looked incredulously at Mario. "The smashers' prison, Wario," he said. "I knew you weren't the brightest bulb in the socket, but holy crud, I didn't realize you were _this _dumb!"

Bowser sighed again. "Not that it matters much right now. Of course the old man can't focus too much right now, not with the government breathing down our necks. Raided our house last week, and almost found our cache. Thankfully, we've got our own secret room under the basement, and Dad's sword is the only key."

"Got it!" Link cried out, jumping up.

Both Mario and Bowser turned to stare at him. Link started blushing, but that wasn't what was throwing Mario off- it was the fact that Link had grown a couple inches shorter in the past couple seconds, and he was starting to see some strands of blond on his hair. Link's eyes fell on Mario, and he suddenly became conscious that he was starting to lose weight.

"Gotta go!" they both said quickly. "Stomachache!"

And so it came to be that they rushed out of the room and dashed upstairs into the Poe's locker room. When they arrived, Mario's clothes were extremely baggy, but he was used to this, having been forced to wear Bill's hand-me-downs all his life. Link's clothes, however, were insane. Link in Ganondorf's armor somewhat resembled Sir Not-Appearing-in-this-Film in his. They quickly picked up their own clothes and changed. Feeling great relief at being back to normal, they turned to see that, amazingly, Zelda was still in her stall. "Zelda, get out here!" Mario said. "We've got a lot to tell you!"

"Go away!" said Zelda's voice, and Mario, once again, noted that it had a strange quality to it that he couldn't quite pin down.

"Oh, come on, Zelda!" Link put in. "You must have turned back by now, Mario and I sure have!"

Abruptly, they both stepped back as the Poe floated out of the stall. Though they couldn't see his face, it was clear he was ecstatic about whatever had happened in there. "Oh, it's so awesome!" he said. "And terrible, of course, but awesome!" He cackled as he floated up and away.

Mario and Link looked nervously at one another for a moment before Link said, "So, Zelda, you still have Sheikah's face or something?"

Finally, the stall opened, and Zelda came out.

Mario and Link jumped back in shock.

"You remember all those footnotes about transformo-candy?" Zelda asked. "Well, that wasn't Sheikah's hair I got from her..."

Now Mario could identify the strange quality in Zelda's voice- it was a deeper voice trying to sound higher.

A young man stood in the center of the locker room, dressed in Zelda's clothing. He was tall, with red eyes and blond hair to match Link's. He looked down in shame as they stared at him. "Transformo-candy needs to be specially prepared for cross-gender transformations," he explained. "Otherwise... well... and I suppose Maria's got a brother at home..."

As Mario and Link simply sat there in shock, the Poe floated over, cackling again. "Oh, wait until everyone finds out about this one!"

_XXXX_

Okay, sorry once more for the long break. I'm implementing a new writing system that will hopefully result in chapters coming quicker. One benefit being that you get the explanation for this one, if you haven't gotten it already. Anyways, as usual, please R&R, I embrace any constructive criticism, accept any flames in regards to my update schedule, Gamer4 out.


	13. The Proof in the Planner

Gamer4 in. In an effort to get this chapter out before the turn of the century, I'm starting it literally the instant that I uploaded the last one. Cross your fingers, folks.

Disclaimer: I ain't got no money, and I ain't got no rights, but I'm a writer on the computer, and going wild tonight.

Chapter XIII

The Proof in the Planner

The good thing about all this is that Nurse Tessie wasn't an inquisitive woman. She never asked prying questions, particularly where the answer might cause undue embarrassment for the student. So, when Mario and Link showed up in front of her with a trans-gendered Zelda in tow, she didn't ask why, but immediately got started on finding a way to reverse what had happened.

On the flipside of this coin, not knowing what had happened somewhat limited Nurse Tessie's ability to find a cure. That said, the issue hadn't been solved a week later, when students began returning to the Smash Mansion.

A bit of panic spread when Zelda didn't attend her classes on the first day, particularly among those who knew her well enough to know she'd sooner cut off her own legs than skip class. Rumors spread that there had been another attack. The only ones who knew what had really happened to Zelda were Mario, Link, Peach, and Kirby and Meta Knight, who, while they threw a few light-hearted jokes around, could be trusted not to tell anyone the truth. The fact that Zelda was currently spending her nights in the hospital wing didn't help these rumors.

Now, you may think that Zelda was taking some time off due to the whole fiasco, and if you do think that, you don't know her very well. As stated, she'd rather cut off her legs than skip out on class. Therefore, rather than just staying with Nurse Tessie until the transformo-candy's effects were reversed, she made herself a costume that, in Mario's opinion, made her look like a ninja. There was a massive, stylized eye across the chest, a small turban, tight clothing meant for speed and stealth, and a cloth acting as a mask covering the lower half of her face. Using this costume, she passed herself off as a transfer student named Sheik, and continued with her normal classes.

This was something that dumbfounded Mario and Link. "You know," Link commented one day as they visited their friend in the hospital wing, "I think I'd take a break from school if I was in your situation."

"A break? Are you crazy?" Zelda asked, staring at him.

"No, but I'm fairly certain he'd agree," Link retorted, smiling slightly.

Zelda rolled her eyes. She'd normally push the point, but she was in a particularly good mood today- Nurse Tessie had finally found a way to begin reversing the effects a couple days ago. Her hair was growing out again, (prompting her to add a ponytail to her Sheik disguise,) her ears were regaining their points, and her eyes were slowly changing from red back to their usual blue.

"Not the worst that could have happened, overall," Zelda shrugged, flicking through her book. "Not something I can exactly say for the interrogation..."

Mario sighed. Even more upsetting to Zelda than her unexpected transformation had been the news that, in the end, the whole thing had been pointless- Bowser had known nothing. All they'd really learned was how long ago the Dungeon's last opening had been, and that a muggle-born had died last time.

"I was so _sure _it was him," Link muttered for about the 9000th time, not one more or less.

Mario quickly cast his eyes around for a change of topic. They fell on a card laying on the desk next to Zelda's bed. "What's that?" he asked.

Zelda gave a small yelp and made to hide whatever it was, but Link's hand whipped out and seized it. He opened it up and read out, "To Zelda Hyrule, wishing you a return to health with all due haste, with a Tingle-Tingle-Kooloo-Limpah." Underneath this was a smasher-picture of Tingle doing his dance.

Link stared at the picture in horror for a second, not even objecting when Zelda swiftly snatched it from his hands and hid it under her pillow. Mario and Link stared at each other for a second, then quickly made their way out of the hospital wing before things could get more awkward than they already were.

Link glared at nothing as they exited the room and began making their way down the stairs. It was a fairly clear day outside, a rare thing in that area, and they were intent on spending it on the grounds. However, as they approached the second floor, they found their way blocked by what was apparently the entire contents of the Mediterranean sea. They looked at each other, and simultaneously said, "Poe," before starting to wade through the hallway towards said spirit's locker room.

Sure enough, all but one of the sinks in the locker room were turned to their full capacity. Looking around, they found the Poe in a flying fury up near the ceiling. "Total disgrace!" he was shouting. "Seven years of hard service, and _this _is how they thank me? Is _this _my reward for all my work against the Patriots? Well, I'll show you, I'll show you all what happens when you find a stranger in the Alps!"

Mario wondered if he dared to make their presence known. Finally, he reached his decision, and tentatively gave a small cough. The Poe spun around and saw them. "AND YOU!" he cried. "I was perfectly fine until you came along! I was happy, everyone was leaving me alone as long as I stayed in here, then you come along and suddenly people are coming in here to disturb my locker and bombard me with their planners!"

"People are hitting you with their planners?" Mario asked, staring.

"Sure am!" the Poe raged. "The d*** thing is right over there!" As he spoke, he waved his lantern at an area across the room, towards a sopping wet notebook-like object laying on the ground.

As Mario approached it curiously, Link attempted to reason with the furious spirit. "Well, it's just the one planner, isn't it?" he pointed out. "It's not like this is a regular thing. They probably didn't even know you were here."

"Like crud they didn't!" the Poe shouted. "They slammed that locker over and over again before they finally threw it- how do you explain _that _if it wasn't to check if I was there?"

"Did you see who it was?" Link asked slowly.

"No, they were all bundled up. Coward was too afraid to even show his face! Man, that gets on my nerves, it reminds me of the time-"

As the Poe continued ranting, Mario finally arrived at the planner, and carefully reached down to pick it up. The year on the cover was 19XX- 19XY. Mario stared- this clearly wasn't a recent planner, that was almost fifty years ago!

Sighing, Link took a break from watching the Poe continue to rage, and his eyes fell on Mario about to open it up. "Whoah, there, Chief!" he yelled, running over, as the Poe, completely ignoring them, continued ranting. "Don't open that!"

"Why not?" Mario asked, looking up. "I know you don't like books, but-"

"It's not like that," Link said, looking serious. "That book could be dangerous!"

"Dangerous books?"

"Didn't you have them in the muggle world?"

"Only if you count paper cuts..."

"Oh, come on, you must have heard of _some _of them! The Necronomicon! The Tome of Eternal Darkness, any diary owned by a ghost, insert an obligatory Twilight mention here! And there was this one British writer, J. K. Rowling, that wrote a series you couldn't ever stop reading! Even when you finished one book, all you could do was sit around and wait for the next one-"

"Okay, okay, I get the picture," Mario said quickly. He looked down at the planner. It looked so harmless...

"Well, nothing ventured, nothing gained," he finally said, opening up the front cover.

There was nothing of particular note there, just a message scribbled on the reverse side of the cover: _This planner is the explicit property of Benjamin E. Nelson._

"Ben Nelson..." Mario heard, and he turned to see Link peering over his shoulder. "You know, I think I know that name from somewhere..." He thought for a moment. Suddenly, he brought his fist down in his hand. "That's right!" he said. "He has a trophy in the Hall of Fame! I saw it when I was doing my detention with Mido!"

Mario continued examining the planner. Something about it tickled his memory, but he couldn't quite place it. Something about the book was important, he could feel it. Curiously, he flicked through the pages. However, the only words in it were random motivational quotes in the corners of the pages- no handwritten messages from Ben E. Nelson.

"He never wrote anything in it..."

"Guess it's not worth anything to us, then," Link shrugged.

Their thoughts were interrupted as the still ranting Poe swooped down on them, concluding one story with, "-and the noodles were never heard from again."

XXXX

The next day, Zelda was finally released from the hospital wing, returned entirely to normal, except for one detail- her hair. While it looked mostly the same as it usually did, it seemed to have been permanently bleached blond. "According to Nurse Tessie, it's one thing she can't fix," Zelda shrugged. "I guess I'm a natural blond now."

"You're taking this surprisingly well," Mario said as they headed out onto the grounds.

"Meh, never paid much attention to how I looked anyways," she shrugged. "Though there is another side effect. Let's get out of here before I show you..."

They headed out and hid behind a couple trees at the edge of the Lost woods. "Alright, what is it?" Link asked.

Zelda braced herself, then began spinning around. There was a flash of blue light, and when it cleared, the young man that Zelda had named Sheik stood in front of them, complete with ninja outfit. She did it again, bracing herself and spinning around. Another flash of light later, Zelda was back, complete with clothing and still-blond hair.

"Wow, you can do that now?" Link asked, looking impressed.

"Apparently, it has something to do with how non-human smashers can disguise themselves as humans. According to what I've read, my ears-" she ran a hand over her pointed ears for emphasis- "are close enough to non-human to count, and somehow, messing up the transformo-candy overwrote my 'normal-person disguise' to Sheik."

"That's... actually kind of cool," Mario acknowledged. "But check this out, we've got something to show you." With that, he produced Ben Nelson's planner.

Zelda took it. "Interesting. A planner," she said, unable to keep the sarcasm out of her voice.

"It's not that," Mario said, rolling his eyes. "Check the date!"

Zelda did so. "Ohhhh," she said, comprehending. "Now I see. You think it's hiding something."

"Actually, I kind of doubt it," Link said. "There's not a useful word in it. Even the calendar's fifty years out of date. Might as well throw it away."

"That's the _point, _though," Mario said, rubbing his eyes. "Someone _did _try to throw it away, and pretty violently, if we can believe the Poe. I can't see someone doing that unless... it was hiding... something..."

"Something wrong there, buddy?" Link asked, looking at him in concern.

"I just realized... fifty years ago..."

Zelda gasped. "I get it, too!"

"Well, I don't," Link said, sounding agitated. "Will someone please explain-"

"Oh, come on, Link!" Zelda said. "Look, this planner shows that Ben came to the Smash Bros. fifty years ago, right?"

"Yes."

"You say that Ben got an award for special services to the school while he was here, right?"

"Y- wait, how did you know that?"

"I read this chapter online while I was in the hospital wing. How did you think I knew I can turn into Sheik willingly now?"

"That explains so much, yet brings up _so many _new questions," Mario said.

"Anyways," Zelda continued, "wouldn't it be a logical assumption that Ben got the award fifty years ago, at the time of this planner?"

"Seems reasonable," Link said, still clearly not sure where the conversation was heading.

"And according to Bowser, the last time the Dungeon of Secrets was opened was fifty years ago, right? And got caught?"

"I see," Link nodded. "But still-"

"Oh, come on, Link!" Zelda said impatiently. "Ben got his award fifty years ago! He had this diary fifty years ago! The heir of Proton Jon was captured fifty years ago! Put it all together! What if he got his award for catching the heir and closing the Dungeon? And, of course, he'd have recorded everything somewhere- maybe in his planner? Somewhere that no normal student would look? If this planner explains everything, then it's no wonder why someone wanted to get rid of it!"

"I understand all _that_," Link said, rolling his eyes. "I was pointing out the key problem in your theory- _there's nothing in the planner!_"

Zelda looked down at the little notebook. Finally, she lifted it one hand, and began muttering spells over it with her other. Her hand glowed, and a bit of the light seemed to spread to the planner. However, when she'd finished and flipped through it to look it over, it remained stubbornly blank.

Link sighed. "Look, this is pointless. It's just an old planner that Ben Nelson got one year and never bothered to actually use. If you want an old, empty planner, we've got a nice collection going back home."

XXXX

However, Link's doubt didn't dissuade Mario, who kept poring over the little notebook, searching endlessly- for what, even he wasn't sure. He had thoroughly checked every page for the smallest dot of ink, but as far as he could tell, Link was right- the only writing from Ben was his name at the beginning.

With Link and Zelda, he tried to do some investigation into who Ben himself had been, in the hope that would yield some answers. They were, at least, not disappointed in this area- the Hall of Fame had much to say about Ben E. Nelson. Unfortunately, the Hall of Fame also happened to be the least organized room in the entire mansion. Awards weren't even sorted alphabetically- the award that had allowed Link to recall Ben was nestled between one belonging to someone named George Locke, and another belonging to Rosalina.

"It doesn't say what he did," Zelda observed, tapping her chin.

"Meh, guess that's how fame works," Link shrugged. "Everyone remembers the person, but not what they did."

However, they were able to track some more information down, including another couple of awards such as _Student of the Year _and his name on a list of old head boys.

Whispering in Mario's ear to avoid Zelda's detection, Link said, "Wow, wouldn't want to meet this guy. Sounds like a total snob- special awards, student of the year, head boy, probably had As across the board..."

"Starting to sound like Zelda's channeling his spirit," Mario whispered back with a smirk.

XXXX

As winter took it's leave, and Valentine's Day began to approach, hope began to shine over the mansion. It had been quite a while since the last attack, and the word from Daisy was that the boku babas were rushing towards adulthood, and would be producing their precious seeds soon. The mansion seemed to let out a sigh of relief. Perhaps it was over- perhaps Jon's heir had decided things were getting too risky for their taste.

Not everyone, however, seemed certain of this. Lucas still kept a wary eye on Mario in the hallways, and the Boo used the same methods to insist Mario was guilty that the Faron twins used to insist his innocence.

And then there was Tingle. Hoooh, boy.

Mario and Link were hard at work in one of Samus's classes when Tingle suddenly swung the door open and bounced in. "Samus, dear girl!" he trilled.

Samus turned to look at him, wearing an expression not unlike the one on Wolf's face whenever he looked at Tingle.

"I just wanted to share some thoughts with you on the recent mood of the mansion! You know, it seems to me that the evil old heir is gone for good, now! Run away, of course, from the most talented smasher this side of the dimension!" Tingle bowed as he said this.

Mario was almost blown away by this guy's ego- it dwarfed even King Dedede's from his previous year.

Samus seemed to struggle as she forced what could technically be called a smile, but was, in practice, the most disturbing thing that Mario had ever seen. "Perhaps so, Limpah."

"But I still see so many gloomy faces around here!" Tingle exclaimed, looking around. Mario followed suit- he didn't see all _that _many gloomy faces, mostly just faces in awe of Tingle's pride. "You know, Samus, what I really wanted was to discuss something with you!"

"Great idea," Samus said, a sentiment not reflected on her face, "but, as you can see, I'm in the middle of a class-"

"Nonsense!" Tingle grinned, putting his arm around his fellow teacher and beginning to steer her out of the room. "You see, Samus, I think what we really need right now is a good _party..._"

XXXX

Mario decided, later on, that he could have happily gone his whole life without seeing what Tingle's idea of a party was.

The next day, he slept in a little late, so was forced to dash down through the mansion to the dining hall to catch breakfast. He was just glad it was a Saturday.

He thrust open the doors and walked in. Then he froze, slowly walked out backwards, closed the doors, made absolutely sure these were the _right _doors, and, once assured he hadn't made a mistake, sighed and walked in.

Never before had he seen so much pink in the same room. The walls were pink, the tables were pink, the floors were pink, there were bowls of pink and blue candy every few feet along the tables, and the ceiling was- take a wild guess- _pink. _It was like the room had been redesigned under the instruction of the Pink Panther. Spotted across the pink was myriad blue hearts.

Doing all he could to avert his eyes, Mario stumbled over to Link. He'd been hoping to have a discussion about Ben's planner with them, but it wasn't looking hopeful- Link looked like he was ready to vomit, and Zelda was laughing so hard she was starting to randomly switch between herself and Sheik.

Glancing up at the staff table, Mario saw quite a few unhappy faces- Samus was repeatedly banging his head against the table, Daisy was wearing an expression like she smelled sour milk, and Wolf was looking more murderous than ever. In the center of it all was none other than Tingle Limpah, dressed in his usual outfit colored pink. "A glorious Valentine's Day to you all!" he called out. Opposite Mario, Link, and Zelda, Peach was sinking lower and lower beneath the table.

"Such a wonderful occasion, if I do say so myself!" Tingle cheered, jumping around for joy. "I've even asked my fellow teachers to help us celebrate! Hey, Wolf, you know a thing or two about love power-ups, right?"

Wolf's eyes were narrowing into slits, and Mario found himself thinking he wouldn't ask Wolf for so much as a sweettart right now.

"You have that planner with you?" Link asked, turning towards Mario.

"Yeah, why?" Mario asked, producing it.

"Because I need something to vomit into," Link muttered, and before Mario could wrench the book back, he'd followed through on the threat.

A loud chortling approached from nearby. "This is all great, isn't it? You should definitely ask Mr. O'Donnell for a love power-up, Mario!"

That was Bowser. They turned to see him approaching, this time with the real Ganondorf and Wario walking by his sides. His eyes scanned them, then his hand darted out and seized the planner Link had just been holding.

"Exchanging diaries, are we, dogs?" he asked. "Great, I wonder what's written in here..."

"Actually, it's a planner," Zelda pointed out.

"Same thing," Bowser said, not bothering to look at the year the planner came from. "Hows about we take a look-see, what do you two say?"

He smirked at Ganondorf and Wario, a smirk that vanished when Mario spoke up: "You realize Link just vomited into that, right?"

Bowser spun around, opening up the planner, but he didn't get a chance to look before Mario had summoned up a handful of fire and tossed it at him. The fire hit Bowser's hand, he let go of it with a grunt of pain, and the planner went spinning briefly through the air and into Mario's hand.

Bowser grimaced, grasping his hand, as he backed up. "Very funny," he snarled. "I'll get you, Mario! Next time!"

"Aaaand, there's Inspector Gadget," Zelda muttered.

As Bowser, Ganondorf, and Wario retreated, Mario turned a concerned eye onto Link. "You alright, there? Maybe you should go see Nurse Tessie."

"I- I think I will, thank you," Link choked out, and he set off out of the dining hall.

XXXX

And so it came to be that, when Mario finished his breakfast, he didn't have much to do when he'd dashed out of the dining hall as quickly as he could. Finally, he decided to head up to his bed and spend some more time trying to decode the old planner.

As he arrived in the room and opened up the book in front of him, ready to tear out the vomit-soaked pages, he noticed something strange- Link had definitely been sick on the book, but there was no sign of it. For that matter, he realized, they'd found it drowning in the locker room, yet there was no sign of damage from that, either.

Slowly, Mario decided to try something new, to be a bold adventurer: he'd actually _write in the planner. _

He reached for a pen. It wouldn't write, so he began scribbling around in one of the margins, trying to make the ink come. Finally, a little scribble formed on the outer edge of the calendar. Satisfied, he prepared to write something on the square for a Valentine's Day long passed, but something began to happen- the ink left by the pen began to disappear, like the planner was swallowing it. Even the indentations made where the pen had scribbled righted themselves.

Mario stared. Now he was certain- he began to write in the chosen square: _My name is Mario Mario. _

Once more, the ink disappeared, and this time, new words appeared. _Hello, Mario Mario. The name I go by is Ben E. Nelson. I see you've picked up my planner. Care to tell me the story?_

Mario stared, flushed with excitement- the planner held secrets after all. He wrote back: _Someone tried to hide it in a locker in a haunted locker room. Then a ghost called the Poe tried to drown it out of anger. _

A moment of nothing, then the words disappeared and were replaced with: _Heh. Figured someone would be trying to get rid of this planner. Lucky that I had the foresight to use a special planner that doesn't get destroyed so easily. Only the worst of magical destruction could damage the memories concealed here._

_What kind of memories?_

_Memories of horrors past. When I was at the Super Smash Bros. School of Smashing, someone opened up a place called the Dungeon of Secrets, releasing something we dubbed the Smash Bros. Horror. _

_You know about the Dungeon of Secrets?!_

_Of course I do. I was the one who finally found the Heir of Proton Jon. Unfortunately, I was too late, and two students had already died. Even then, I failed to capture or kill the Smash Bros. Horror itself. As for the Heir, he was given sufficient testimony that he was turned free not long after being locked up. _

_Who was it?! Who did it last time?!_

_It is a thrilling tale, and my words alone wouldn't be able to do it justice. If you wish to know, let me show you personally._

For the first time, Mario hesitated. He didn't know what Ben was talking about with this last line, but he wasn't certain it was anything good. However, this was the best lead he had, so he gritted his teeth and wrote down one last word. _Alright._

A large clump of the planner's pages suddenly turned all by themselves, arriving at _June 4__th__. _As Mario watched incredulously, the square suddenly turned to light, and began to expand. All of a sudden, he found himself tipping forward, falling through shadows...

And then he landed on solid feet. Looking around, he saw a narrow corridor leading up to a staircase. Leaning against the staircase was a young man with red hair, dressed in clothing uncannily similar to Link's. Slowly, Mario approached. "Hello?" he asked.

The boy ignored him, keeping his eyes fixed on the balcony above. Mario waved his hand in front of the boy's face. "Hello?"

He jumped as another voice spoke. "Back again, Ben?"

Mario jumped back and looked up: a nervous-looking young man was making his way down the stairs.

"We agreed to meet here, didn't we?" Ben asked. "What did Matthew say?"

"H- he talked to the Headmaster, Mr. Campbell," the young man said, trembling slightly. He was tall, thin, and wearing an outfit that Mario pictured on a farm boy. He had black hair and a black moustache, and wore thick glasses. "It didn't sound like things went so well."

"It's alright, George," Ben said, patting the nervous man on the back. "Did he say why?"

"He said... he said he knows you're an orphan, and he'd like to make arrangements for you, but... what with everything that's going on..."

"You mean the attacks?"

Mario slowly realized what was going on. He looked around. He didn't know how, but it seemed he'd somehow fallen into Ben's memory.

"Y-yeah," George said, still shaking. "Especially with Rose's death, he said... poor Rosalina..."

"Truly terrible," Ben nodded. "What about... that other thing we discussed? About... about what would happen if we caught the Heir of Proton Jon?"

George suddenly looked up, looking desperate. "You mean- you mean you know who's doing this?"

"No," Ben said, looking down sadly. "I don't know. If I knew, I'd have told you- we're in this together, after all..." However, Mario sensed that Ben wasn't telling the whole truth. Looking up, Ben said, "Why don't you go to bed, George?"

"A-alright," George said, before turning and heading off towards what seemed to be the dungeons.

Ben stood there for a moment longer, before seeming to decide something. He turned around and began striding up the stairs. Mario followed closely behind. As he watched, Ben took out a sword, which seemed to be his power controller, and quickened the pace.

However, to Mario's disappointment, they headed, not to some secret dungeon or hidden door, but to an ordinary, seemingly unused classroom. However, as Ben opened the door, Mario heard a scuffling on the other side, as well as a voice. "Sorries," it said. "I no wants you to go, but day tink you be dat ting, da one ting, dey kills you if dey finds you..."

Mario froze. He knew that voice, but it couldn't be...

Ben swung the door wide open, and the voice froze. As they peered into the room, Mario saw an indistinct shape on the far wall- the room was inconveniently dark. "Alright, Crazy, hand it over," Ben said.

"Benny? Whatchoo talk 'bout? I not hide nutting!"

Ben sighed. "Rose's parents are coming for her body, Crazy. I'm sure you didn't mean anything by it, but if you had any sense of what was dangerous, maybe this wouldn't have happened."

"S-she not kill a person!" Crazy said desperately, as a scuttling noise arose from behind him. "I ask her not to, she say no! She no do it! She innocent- innocent, me tell you!"

"Don't make me hurt you," Ben said, raising the sword.

"She no kill dat girl!"

Ben sighed, pointed the sword to Crazy's side, and suddenly a bolt of what looked like energy shot out of the tip and made a small explosion against the wall. Mario jumped back with a yelp of horror as a monstrous creature came scuttling out and past him, a vast, many-legs beast.

"NOOOOES!" Crazy wailed in despair. "Gohma!"

He made to move forward, but Ben stuck out his sword. "They'll have your controller for this, Crazy. I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry..."

And everything faded to black again. When Mario could see again, the first thing he saw was Link coming up into the dorm- he was back.

"Dang, I love it at the Smash Mansion," he said, rubbing his stomach. "Took a few seconds for her to fix that flu-" he froze as he saw Mario. "Something wrong, there, buddy?"

Mario opened his mouth and forced himself to speak. "Link... it was Crazy. Crazy was the one who opened the Dungeon of Secrets last time."

_XXXX_

And on that dramatic note, I take my leave. Hopefully, I can keep with the chapters. Death to hiatuses! Anyways, please R&R, constructive criticism embraced, flames will be used to keep my fireplace going, Gamer4 out.


	14. Olimar Tate

Gamer4 in, bringing you an extra-special chapter with a soundtrack by David Bowie.

Disclaimer: No, I don't own Labyrinth either.

Chapter XIV

Olimar Tate

Mario felt like he'd been punched in the stomach. Of all the people who could have opened the Dungeon of Secrets all those years ago, Crazy was the one he'd never, ever have expected...

Not that he thought Crazy had meant it, of course. Insane as he was, the old hand had all the raw malevolence of an overexcited house cat. He knew that Crazy would never have intentionally aimed to kill someone. However, as Ben had said, Crazy had an extremely skewed view of what qualified as 'dangerous.' He was, after all, the same hand who'd tried to domesticate a ferocious Rayquaza, and had, for years, been the proud owner of a gigantic, two-bodied mech that he'd dubbed 'Duon.' If he'd heard the legend of the Dungeon of Secrets during his time at school, there was no doubt in Mario's mind that he'd have hunted the place down relentlessly to see this legendary monster. And when he found it, Mario could, indeed, picture him trying to place it in a cat carrier. After that, all he had to do was lose track of it for a little while, and... No, Mario preferred not to think of the young girl, Rosalina, who'd died all those years ago...

He almost wished he hadn't tried writing in the planner, the answers were so horrible. Working together, he, Link, and Zelda picked Ben's story apart again and again, desperately trying to find a way that Crazy might be innocent. But so far, the most convincing argument they had was that he hadn't actually meant to hurt anyone.

"Well, Ben might have gotten the wrong person," Zelda suggested half-heartedly one day. "We don't know that whatever Crazy was growing was the Smash Bros. Horror."

"I doubt it," Link said, looking down. "I mean, even this place has to have some sort of limit on how many monsters it can hold at a time."

"And on top of that," Mario forlornly threw out, "the attacks must have stopped after Ben handed Crazy over, or he wouldn't have gotten his award."

"But they didn't _quite _stop, did they?" Zelda pointed out. "What about Locke, George Locke?"

Mario froze. Not long after receiving that flashback from Ben, he'd written in the planner one more time, wanting to clear something up. In his 'prologue,' Ben had said that two students had died. However, the flashback only discussed one. He had explained that, shortly after Crazy had been caught, there had been one more attack, a death. It had happened to his friend, George Locke, the timid little farmboy. It temporarily put the Smash Mansion on high alert again, fearing that the attacks hadn't stopped. However, as no further attacks ensued, the case was finally closed. After finding this information out, Mario, feeling sick, had deposited the planner in the bottom of his school trunk and hadn't dared approach it since.

"Maybe the monster hadn't quite run away, yet," Mario shrugged. "I told you, all I saw in the flashback was it running out of that room, I didn't see what happened to it after that."

For a while, they sat in silence, before Zelda voiced an opinion that made Mario and Link stare at her for several moments before answering: "How about we just go talk to Crazy about it?"

After a while of sitting their with their mouths open, Link finally answered. "Do I even need to describe why that's a bad idea? Just walking up to Crazy and asking him if he went on a psychotic rampage fifty years ago? And then accusing him of doing it again?"

After a while of talking, they agreed to talk to Crazy only if they absolutely had to.

XXXX

Time passed, and, as no further attacks occurred, and Mario reported no word from the horribly-generic-horror-voice, the three began to breath a sigh of relief. The mansion seemed to be winding down. The Boo had finally given up on tormenting Mario, (though this was bad news for those he'd been leaving alone all that time,) Lucas was quite happy to be working with him on class assignments, and, best of all, Daisy was reporting that the boku babas only had a month or two to go before producing their all-important seeds. It was starting to seem like Jon's Heir had truly given up.

Meanwhile, the second years were being given a new assignment: deciding what new classes they'd be taking when the next year rolled around.

"You mean, there's actually going to be a third story?" Link asked, wide-eyed, staring at the computer screen as he read through the fourteenth chapter of _Mario Mario and the Dungeon of Secrets. _"After all the time it took to write this one?"

"Apparently so," Zelda shrugged, looking urgently at her list of new courses. "Apparently, he's even got the title picked out: _Mario Mario and the Prisoner of Subspace._"

"Why not _Link Faron and the Prisoner of Subspace?_" Link suggested.

"Guys, can we try to preserve what little remains of the fourth wall, here?" Mario said, looking agitated. "We're supposed to be going over the new courses we're going to be picking for next year!"

"Yeah, that's what it says here," Link agreed, highlighting the telling paragraph.

"Wait, you're at this part of the story?"

"Exactly. Take a look-see."

"Did you just say that because that's what it says you said there?"

"Only if you were only saying that because it says you did."

"Wait, wait, wait, wait, we're talking about whether we're saying stuff because it says so in that story, while you're reading a transcript of our conversation about whether or not we're doing this all because it's written there. Is that about right?"

"Well, apparently, I'm supposed to say that it is," Link said, scrolling down a bit.

"Oh, will you just turn that thing off!" Zelda grumbled, glaring over at the computer.

"No, I'm trying to read ahead to find out who Proton Jon's Heir is!"

"You can't do that!" Zelda gasped. "Spoilers! If you find out that way, you'll create a time paradox! Haven't you ever played _Metal Gear Solid 3?_"

"This is ridiculous!" Mario said. "We're only arguing because it's _part of the story Link's reading right now."_

"Right," Zelda agreed. "So, we'll turn off the computer, and just forget this whole scene ever happened, agreed?"

"Agreed," Mario and Link said simultaneously. Link shut the computer down, and Zelda cast a spell to make them all forget the past couple minutes.

...She can do that because I said so.

"Now, what were we doing?" Zelda asked, looking around.

"I don't remember," Link said. "How about I turn on the computer and find out by reading this story online?"

"I have a feeling that that would be a bad idea," Mario interrupted.

"Oh, right!" Zelda said, slamming her fist down in her hand. "We were supposed to be picking our new classes for next year!"

"Is there even going to be a next year?" Link asked. "I mean, it's taken Gamer4 so long to get to this point."

"Who knows," Zelda shrugged. "But we need to be ready in case there is! So, let's decide!"

"I'm not sure which classes I want to pick," Mario said, looking down at the 'course catalogue.' "And really, as long as I can give up Power-ups, I don't care."

"Can't," Link said. "If we could get rid of our old classes, I'd have dropped Protection from the Evils."

"But that's probably the most important class!" Zelda cried, staring at him open-mouthed.

"Not with Tingle in charge," Link grumbled. "All I've learned from his class is that I'm _really _not cut out for theater."

Every student had different ways of dealing with it all. Luigi appealed to his family for advice, but got so much that he'd probably have been better off deciding on his own after all. Ness, a muggle-born, ended up using a makeshift roulette for his decision. Zelda, being Zelda, signed up for everything.

Mario, on the other hand, was lost. He obviously couldn't appeal to his relatives for assistance- and trying to appeal to the Smith's was laughable. Finally, he and Link agreed to sign up for the same two new classes, Psychic Powers and Smashing Creatures, the theory being that, if one of them sucked, the other could back him up.

XXXX

However, as Spring began to make itself known, a new source of tension began to arise within the Smash Mansion: the final Smash-Up match of the season was coming up, pitting Nintendo against Hal. Mario hadn't expected much different from Captain Falcon, who began training them more and more vigorously. He had them practicing down on the field every night, preparing for the match that would make or break their dream of winning the Smash-Up trophy. Typically, this would mean many more criticisms than usual, as Falcon sought to rid the team of any weak points whatsoever, but not this time around- in their latest training session, he didn't have one single criticism, as each member of the team pushed themselves as hard as they could. He saw them off the field with an encouraging speech and great spirits, and it was in good cheer that Mario left his Flame Runner in the garage that had never been mentioned before and headed up to the Nintendo hub.

However, he received a bit of bad news on the way up. As he climbed the stairs, a great amount of force suddenly smacked into him- it seemed to be a tall, green projectile that had hit him at upwards of ninety miles an hour. Or kilometers. Or maybe inches. Either way, when Mario found his way back to his feet, he realized that the missile had been Luigi, still flat on his back, looking scared. Not that he ever wasn't scared.

"Something wrong there, Lu?" Mario asked, helping his friend up.

"It- stuff- they- I don't know who- but they- and then- and it's-"

"Calm down!" Mario said, trying to stop Luigi from giving himself a heart attack. "Just tell me what's wrong!"

"Y-y-you have to see for yourself! I already told- Diddy and Ness-"

Mario shrugged and rushed off after Luigi. As they hurried up the stairs, Luigi reached out and grabbed Link from seemingly out of thin air, went through the whole routine with him, and Link joined them in rushing up to see what was wrong.

Luigi led them to the second-year boy's dorm, and thrust open the door.

Sure enough, Ness and Diddy were already inside, staring at the carnage. The room had been torn apart. Their trunks had all been opened, and the contents were all over the floor. Even Ness's poster of the Seattle Mariners had been thrown to the ground.

"Holy Farore..." Link said, staring at it all.

"I think it's safe to say..." Ness said slowly, "that someone was looking for something."

Slowly, the five boys got to work on re-packing everything. Finally, as Mario threw his socks back into the trunk, he realized that, whoever it was, they'd found what they were looking for. Turning to Link, he said, "Ben's planner is gone."

Link opened up his mouth to say something, but Mario silenced him and motioned downstairs. They headed down to the hub and sat down with Zelda who, as was no surprise to anyone who knew her, was reading up on the classes she'd signed up for. They filled her in on what had happened.

"Not that I'm broken up about it all that much," Mario admitted. "I wasn't all that fond of it, but you know what it means..."

"Whoever took it is a Nintendo," Zelda said slowly, gazing down at the floor. "They're the only ones who can get in, who know the password..."

XXXX

The next day was a bright enough day. Good Smash-Up conditions. Which was a good thing, because that was the day of the finals. Captain Falcon was more enthusiastic than even his team had ever seen him, forcing them all to eat as much as he could cram onto their plates, and taking about a dozen eggs and slices of toast himself.

Mario, on the other hand, was shattered. There was only one thing, he thought, that this could mean- they'd already established that it was likely that the planner had been taken by the Heir of Proton Jon- no one else would have the incentive to steal back a fifty-year old, unused planner. So far, he'd refused to report the theft, not able to see how it would do any good- it was likely that the thief would have gone to even greater lengths to get rid of it this time.

Finally, after taking in a much smaller breakfast than usual, he got up and headed into the entrance hall. He was almost to the doors when he heard it again, echoing through the gigantic room: _You have escaped me so far, but not this time! You will elude me no longer! This time, death awaits all who meet me!_

Mario whirled around. "No," he growled. "Not today. No freaking way."

"N-not the voice again?" Link asked, looking slightly panicky.

"I'd know those horribly generic phrases anywhere," Mario muttered.

Zelda suddenly slammed her fist down in her hand. "I've got it!" she said. "I think I just realized- and that would mean- but I'll have to check- you two head out! I have to go to the library real quick!"

And without any other words, she dashed off.

Mario and Link stared after her for a while, before turning their bewildered looks to each other. "What do you think she figured out?"

"More than I have," Link shrugged. "Figures she'd want to go to the library to check up, though. Typical Zelda. Anyways, we have a match to get to!"

"Yeah," Mario agreed, slowly turning around and heading down to the field.

Captain Falcon talked their ears off in the locker rooms before the match, giving them a longer pep talk than usual, which, as Kirby quietly muttered, was quite an accomplishment. Finally, the teams both walked out onto the field to a great deal of applause. Coach Lakitu entered the field carrying a large case on a fishing pole. He floated out to the middle of the field and opened it up, releasing the Smash Ball and the chain chomps. The field had, today, taken the appearance of a high-tech stadium with tunnels scattered around the field, with sloping edges so that they could be ridden over and under. In the center was a large amount of ground leading up, up, up, to a point even higher than the stands.

The teams jumped into their karts, firing them up, and were just about ready to take off, when-

"HOLD IT!" came a loud voice, echoing through the stadium. Everyone turned to stare and see Samus hurrying out onto the field. When she spoke, her voice was much louder than it should have been. "I REGRET TO INFORM YOU THAT THIS MATCH HAS BEEN CANCELLED." Doing her best to speak over the sudden uproar that followed these words, she continued. "I'M AFRAID THERE IS NO CHOICE IN THE MATTER. ALL GROUPS ARE TO RETURN TO THEIR HUBS, WHERE THE HEAD OF THEIR GROUP WILL EXPLAIN FURTHER."

The entirety of both teams swarmed over to her to complain, but she fought through them to Mario. "As for you, Mario, I'll need you to come with me," she said.

Mario froze, wondering what had happened. Looking over, he saw Link hurdling the stands, landing in the stadium, and rushing over to them. To what seemed to be both their surprise, Samus nodded. "Ah, Faron, good. You should come too."

Slightly nervous, they all headed back up to the mansion, where Samus led the two boys up to the fourth floor, and into the hospital wing. "This might be a bit shocking," she said. "But... there's been another attack- two more students."

This just confused Mario even more. How could he possibly be the suspect this time? But, as they stepped in, and he saw who the victims were, he understood.

Laying in one bed was the robot that Mario and Link had so recently asked for directions to the Sierra hub- the one who'd turned out to be a Retro. However, the two of them had eyes only for the girl laying in the bed next to hers: Zelda Hyrule.

Samus spoke with surprising gentleness. "They were found in the library. They both had mirrors with them. We were wondering if you knew why."

Mario numbly shook his head. Beside him, Link seemed to have shut down, staring emptily at the bed.

"Alright," Samus said, doing her best to hide her disappointment. "Well, let's go up to the Nintendo hub. I have to address the group now."

XXXX

And so it came to be that all of Nintendo gathered in the hub to hear what Samus had to say. "There will now be a curfew at six-o'-clock," she said, reading off a list. "No student should be outside their hub after that time. All breaks will now be held in each group's hub. Between classes, students will be chaperoned to their next class by a teachers. All students must have an escort to use the bathroom. All clubs and activities are postponed until such a time as it is safe to return to normalcy." With this, she crumpled up the list she was reading off of and tossed it in a nearby garbage can. "On a more personal note," she continued, "I may as well tell you that there is now a great deal of stress on us all to find whoever's behind all this. If things keep going like this, it is entirely possible the school will be closed. Anyone who knows anything, please come forward now."

For a moment, she seemed to look hopefully around the room. However, no one stood or spoke. Silently, Samus turned and left the room.

As one, the entire group gathered around to discuss the most recent developments. Mario's eyes fell on Rob. He was sitting off to the side of everyone else, staring into the fire as though he'd never seen it before.

"Something eating him?" he asked of Kirby.

"That girl who got attacked- Juana," Kirby explained, "was a prefect. Well, you know Rob- he thought the prefects were in the clear."

"Yeah, I got that impression," Mario muttered, remembering Rob's boisterous attitude on the night of the transformo-candy incident. Turning, he motioned to Link to meet him at the edge of the room.

"What now?" Link asked nervously. "You think they're going to investigate the Crazy Hand?"

"Well, they're starting to get desperate," Mario said slowly, "and he would be the first suspect of anyone who knows he got arrested last time..."

"But there's no way he'd do it again, even if he did it by mistake last time!"

"Well, you and I know that, but not everyone will."

"Well, we have to do _something_," Link said urgently.

"I agree," Mario said. "You know what? We agreed we'd go and talk to Crazy if there was another attack, and now there has been. I want to go see what his side of the story is."

Link nodded. "Alright, but how are we going to get down there? They've got the curfew going..."

"Then it's a good thing I didn't get rid of my blanket, isn't it?" Mario said.

XXXX

The previous year, one of Mario's first real Christmas presents had been an old blanket, previously owned by his father, and passed down through his family for generations. Why was it so special, you ask? Well, it was very comfortable, and warm. But more than that, whoever it covered up was turned invisible. Why hasn't it come up in this story before?

...Because I said so, that's why.

Anyways, that night, Mario and Link waited anxiously for Ness, Luigi, and Diddy Kong to fall asleep. The moment they had, they instantly jumped back out of bed and pulled Mario's blanket out of his trunk, putting it on and vanishing on the spot. This done, they began to cautiously make their way down through the mansion and across the grounds to Crazy's house.

When they knocked, Crazy's dog, Zoey, began her usual barking, while Crazy's voice rang out. "Who it be?! Warn you- my dog gotta gun! No takes her medication!"

"Crazy, it's us!" Mario called out, doing the best he could to stay quiet, while still trying to reassure the hand.

The door swung open. The Crazy Hand was floating there, looking down at them. "Oh, you be in dat blankey of yours, huh? In come, come in!"

They headed in, and only once Crazy had closed the door did they feel secure enough to remove the blanket. Glancing around, they noticed one key difference in the room from usual- there was a rifle standing ready on one of the chairs. Zoey was currently chewing on it like a bone. Well, Crazy hadn't _technically _lied.

"Something wrong, Crazy?" Mario asked, looking at the hand in concern. He seemed shaky even by his usual standards, and he couldn't ever remember Crazy threatening whoever was on the other side of his door.

"Oh, yeah, everyting peachy- not da creek," Crazy said, looking around. "Wants you sodas?"

Before they could answer, he began preparing said soda.

"I'm guessing you heard about Zelda," Mario said, staring as Crazy spilled half the ingredients on the ground due to how heavily he was shaking.

"Yeah, I hear," he said. "Bad stuff, no good for da mansion. Stuff get worse n' worse. Me hope it stop soon, but it not."

Suddenly, there came a knocking as of someone tapping, tapping at the chamber door. And I probably got that wrong. Crazy perked up and, quietly as he could, muttered, "Blankey, two. Gotsta get da blankey on."

Mario and Link jumped up, ducking into a corner of Crazy's house, and throwing the blanket over themselves. Crazy, after making sure they were really and truly invisible, headed over to the door and opened it up.

Two beings entered. One was a short man with a large nose and pointy ears, dressed in a space suit. He even had a helmet over his head, including a red antennae of some sort sticking out of the top. The other being was the Master Hand.

Link, looking at the short man, gasped. "That's Olimar Tate! The president of smashing!"

Crazy seemed to know who he was hosting as well, because he began shaking even harder. "Oh, heys, brudda! How it go, Mr. Prez? What be goin on?"

"Ah, Crazy," said little Olimar, who looked just as nervous as Crazy did- he looked almost as timid as George Locke had. "I'm afraid it's nothing good, and I take no pleasure from it, but... it's these attacks. So many students being turned to stone, it's fifty years ago all over again, and... well..." Here, he muttered something about, "precautions must be taken..."

"But... but..." Crazy gasped, looking around at his half-brother. "Brudda, you know me not be doin it! I never do sometin like dat!"

The Master Hand remained calm, but still seemed to emit a certain aura as he spoke. "Mr. Tate, I want it to be understood that I have faith in the Crazy Hand, and he would never do something like this."

"I'm not saying he would..." Olimar said, shivering from the chill coming from the Master Hand. "But... well, even you must admit... he has a record of... and there are others... I have no choice... I have to take him!"

"Where?" Crazy asked, his non-existant throat sounding hoarse. "Where me be goins?"

Olimar looked at him in pity for a second, and Crazy sounded even worse off when he spoke again. "Not- not Subspace? No, Master Handies, I no do it!"

The group was interrupted by a knock on the door, and, as it opened, it was Mario's turn for a gasp. On the other side of the portal was none other than Ghirahim Dragmire.

"Ah, Master," he said, bowing extravagantly to the Master Hand as he entered. "And Mr. Tate, too! Excellent, this makes my job much easier."

"What you be doin here?" Crazy snarled, showing none of the respect he's shown Olimar or the Master Hand. "Gets out my house!"

"Oh, my dear man!" Ghirahim said, raising his hands in surrender. "Believe me, I take no pleasure in my visit tonight! I'm only here to represent the school board on a particularly dreadful matter."

"Gets outta here, you dang peacock!"

Ghirahim narrowed his eyes slightly. "Go home, young Crazy, the adults are talking."

"I home already!"

"And for that, you have my sincerest condolences. Anyways, Master, as I said, I am here representing the school board. I am afraid that we have decided to... ah... oust you from power here. There are a long list of reasons, but perhaps the most prevalent is that we think you're beginning to lose your touch."

"Wh- wh- WHAAAAT?!" came a cry from little Olimar Tate. "You're getting rid of him! This is unthinkable, Ghirahim! How could anything be gained by removing him from power?"

"The truth," Ghirahim said simply. "Another reason for this action is that we feel he is keeping too much from the general public. For example, that his half-brother was behind these attacks last time. While I'm certain it's admirable to defend one's retarded half-brother, it wouldn't be good to find that our greatest hero was perjuring himself for the true killer, now, would it?"

Mario felt a rage that he'd never felt before burning up inside him. At this moment, he hated everything about Ghirahim, head to toe.

"You not be doin dat!" Crazy called desperately. "He all dat keep school goin! You get ridda him, death be comin next!"

"We shall see," Ghirahim said, bowing. "We shall see. May your successor triumph where you have failed, Mr. Hand. Good day." And with that, he turned and left, leaving a stunned silence in his wake.

For a moment, Olimar stared around at everything. Then, he turned to the Master Hand. "Will you... will you really be leaving, Master? I mean..."

"Relax, Olimar," the Master Hand said. "The school board has decreed it, so of course I'll step aside."

"NOOOO!" Crazy cried.

"However," the Master Hand interrupted, raising himself for silence, "I will say this- I will never be gone until the entire mansion desires me to be so. And furthermore, help will always be given at the Smash Bros. to those who need it." For a moment, Mario was certain the old hand had twitched in his direction. "That is all I have to say," the Master Hand concluded, before casually floating out the door.

For a moment, Olimar and Crazy stared after him. Finally, Olimar turned shakily to the Crazy Hand. "Umm... anything you want to say, Crazy?"

"Oh, yeah," Crazy said, shaking himself out of his shock. "I wantsta say, dat spiders gotta be da most honest creatures of all! I means, no one trust dem, so dey gotta be extra honest to make up for it. It all make sense to me! Dat all I say!"

Olimar looked even more shocked at this speech than at the Master Hand's. he watched as Crazy casually floated out after his half-brother. For a moment, Olimar stared around at the room, as though hoping it would offer some explanation, then turned and left himself, leaving two horrified students and an equally horrified dog in his wake.

_XXXX_

I'm still debating with myself a bit over this one. And when I argue with myself, it's not pretty. Help stop the carnage- please R&R. Constructive criticism preferred. Flames accepted, but only because there's a blizzard going over the area right now. Gamer4 out.


	15. Gohma's Tale

Gamer4 in. I'm assuming some people have some questions after the last chapter, and I'll just go ahead and answer one: Yes, I have decided to make _Prisoner of Subspace _a reality. But I can't do that until I finish this story, so let's get to it.

Disclaimer: These things really agitate me. As most of you will know.

Chapter XV

Gohma's Tale

Summer was on its way to the Smash Mansion. The sky began to clear, the sun began to shine, and the Mansion itself began to warm. Not that the residents of the mansion noticed- the insides of the mansion were still firmly lodged in the darkest weeks of winter.

The latest attack had caused another change in the school. The halls were now silent, and most students seemed to be paralyzed with fear, incapable of speaking or doing much of anything else besides following the teachers to their next classes. Visitors were barred from the hospital wing for fear of the attacker coming back to tie up loose ends.

Fear had increased even more with the departure of the Master Hand. Most of the students had been at least somewhat comforted by the presence of the greatest smasher of the modern age. And now, thanks to that snake in Smasher's clothing, Ghirahim Dragmire, he was gone.

Mario wanted desperately to believe in the Master Hand's parting words. The idea that he hadn't truly left, and would always be ready to offer assistance would have been a great comfort indeed. But there was such an air of uncertainty that Mario didn't know what to think anymore.

Instead, he and Link focused on trying to piece together the other Hand's hint: the honesty of spiders. They had eventually decided that it probably mean Crazy wanted them to follow those spiders they'd been seeing scurrying in a straight line around the place. And this they would gladly do, (or, at least, Mario would,) if they could have found a single spider _to _follow. However, using all their resources, including appealing to Adam on the grounds that they were doing a follow-up on their spider experiments a few chapters earlier, they _still _couldn't find so much as a cobweb. Mario remembered reading once that a person generally is within a few yards of a spider at any given time. As the search became increasingly desperate, his desire to punch the author of that article in the face increased.

Meanwhile, as Mario and Link grew more and more frustrated, another person in the mansion seemed to get even happier: Bowser Dragmire's ego seemed to be swelling enough to be a match even for Tingle's. at times, Mario wondered if the hot air that had leaked out of Rob at Juana's attack had been picked up by the anthro turtle. It would fit, as one of Bowser's new favorite activities mirrored one that Rob didn't seem to be enjoying anymore: endlessly patrolling the hallways. However, it took a power-ups class with him to truly understand why.

It was a power-ups class, for the most part, like any other, except for Bowser boasting even more than usual.

"Figured the old man would be the one to get rid of the Hand," he grinned, addressing Ganondorf and Wario as usual. "Always a matter of time, really, with all the covering-up he was doing. Samus's next, I'm guessing- she's going the same way as he did. The only thing I'm wondering is when she'll be leaving, too." Looking up to see Wolf passing by, he added, in a loud voice, "I could put in a good word for you, Mr. O'Donnell! You're the only half-decent teacher around here!"

Wolf didn't smile- he never did- but his grimace seemed slightly less pronounced as he passed by. "Settle down, Dragmire," he muttered. "I'm certain the Master Hand will be returning soon. He's been suspended, not fired."

"Not if my old man has anything to say about it," Bowser whispered audibly as Wolf moved on. "The Hand wasn't what this place needed. What we really need is a headmaster who'll _want _the Dungeon open, who'll _let _the wollywogs get picked off. Said it before- they'll be dying soon. It's just a shame Hyrule got stoned first..."

"Heh heh... stoned," Wario chuckled.

At that moment, the bell rang, and under cover of everyone getting ready to leave, it took Mario, Ness, Luigi, and Diddy all working together to hold Link back from Bowser. Wolf, luckily, was too busy fighting his way to the head of the students to lead them to their next class to notice. The anthro was extremely agitated over the new policy. He took the Sierras to their next class first, then led the Nintendos out onto the grounds for their P.E. lesson. Only when Bowser was gone did the four boys dare let go of Link.

A moment later, Coach Lakitu arrived, leading a group of Hals, and told them to break into teams- it was time for volleyball.

"Sorry about that," Mario said as he and Link, naturally, huddled together, Ness at their side. Luigi and Diddy went off to join another team. "But you know Wolf, he'd have you in detention for years if you attacked Bowser."

As Link shrugged, Ness said, "Alright, four players to a team, we need one more person..."

Mario peered around, and found himself face-to-face with Lucas. The young Hal looked extremely timid- though not the timidity he'd had when suspecting Mario of being the attacker. "Hey," he said, looking awkward. "I just wanted to say... I'm sorry for suspecting you. I know you'd never attack Zelda Hyrule. We've both lost friends... Zelda and Duster... and so... yeah."

"Forgiven," Mario said immediately.

Lucas seemed much happier with that. "Really? Thanks. Um... need another member on your team?"

Mario smiled, and he and Lucas shook hands. As they began warming up, Ness approached Lucas. "Don't feel _too _bad," he said, apparently trying to sound comforting. "I might have thought it was him, too, if I didn't know him so well."

"Yeah..." Lucas said, still sounding awkward nonetheless.

"But still, you were man enough to apologize. You know, Lucas, you're pretty good."

"Thanks," Lucas said, smiling at Ness.

"So, any other theories?"

"Well," Lucas said, thinking, "you have to look at who's benefitting. Right now, it looks like that turtle, Bowser Dragmire, is the happiest... maybe it's him?"

"I doubt it," Link said. He was in the middle of a stretch, and wasn't even bothering to look at Lucas. Maybe he hadn't quite forgiven him yet.

"You say something?" Lucas asked, turning to him.

"Nothing!" Link said quickly.

As Mario looked away from the three, smiling, his eyes fell on something that made him freeze. "Link," he whispered.

"What is it?" Link asked, turning around.

"Quiet!" Mario hissed, pointing.

Link groaned when he saw what Mario was indicating: the team they were playing against included Kumatora. "Well, we've already lost," he sighed.

Sure enough, it was a very intense game. About twenty minutes in, Kumatora's team was leading about forty to one. Out of desperateness, Lucas attempted to spike the ball, and to his amazement, it actually hit the ground on Kumatora's team's side, before bouncing off into the distance. Kumatora asked one of her team members to retrieve the ball, and she gladly did so. However, as she bent down to pick the ball up, she let out a loud "Urgh!"

"What is it?" Kumatora asked, turning.

"There are a bunch of spiders over here!"

Swiftly, Mario snapped to attention, while Link vanished faster than the roadrunner.

"What are they doing?" Kumatora asked.

"It's like they're marching…. it looks like they're going into the Lost Woods…."

"Then they're not important," Kumatora said firmly.

Oh, if only she knew.

"Hey, where's Link?" Kumatora asked, turning her attention back to the other team and realizing he was missing. "We have a game to finish!"

Privately, Mario thought, you mean a curb-stomp battle to finish, but out loud, he said, "Um…. bathroom. Just a second, I'll get him."

He found Link using a random measuring tape on the opposite side of the mansion. "Just…. measuring the foundation," he said by way of explanation when he saw Mario's questioning look. "Turns out it's actually bigger on the inside."

"Didn't we already know that?" Mario pointed out, raising his eyebrows.

"Well, everyone who watches Doctor Who did," Link shrugged.

"Or who reads_** House**_ of Leaves,"* Mario agreed. "Anyways, looks like we finally found some spiders to follow."

"I was afraid you'd say that," Link sighed.

"Also, Kumatora wants to finish the game."

"Game?" Link asked, staring. "This isn't a game. This is a slaughter."

"Tell me about it," Mario sighed, and the two of them headed back to the field.

XXXX

Later on, sitting in the Nintendo hub, trying to forget a crushing, humiliating defeat of 180 to 4, Link decided to ask, "So, where did it look like the spiders were heading?"

The Lost Woods," Mario confessed heavily.

Link looked like he was about to have a heart attack. Trying to cover up his thrashing, he said, "Um…. aren't there supposed to be…. redeads in there?"

"Not just redeads!" Mario said quickly. "There are good things in there! Rapidashes, Gorons…." he couldn't go much further than that. He'd entered the Lost Woods the previous year, and had desperately hoped never to do so again. He should have guessed the universe- and the author- wouldn't be so kind.

Bracing himself, he said, "Okay, look. The idea's not going to get more appealing if we just wait. On top of that, we don't want to lose the spiders again."

"Says you," Link said, sinking lower and lower into his chair.

"I think we should do it tonight."

Link looked terrified, and briefly made a motion as though he was going to appeal to Zelda for help. However, when he remembered that she wasn't there, her conspicuous absence seemed to break his resolve. Looking like it was causing him unendurable pain, he nodded.

XXXX

And so it came to be that, as night fell on the third day since their last excursion, Mario and Link once more threw the blanket of invisibility on top of themselves and began making their way down through the mansion.

On the way out to the Lost Woods, they decided to stop at Crazy's house and bring Zoey with them, on the theory that she'd have a better sense of direction than they would in the trees, due to several trips with Crazy. Unfortunately, when they entered, the house was entirely empty. Sitting on top of the fireplace was a letter addressed to the Crazy Hand. Hoping it would shed some light on the subject, they opened it up. It read:

Dear Crazy

So sorry about the whole 'arresting' thing. The truth is, I believe in you, but political processes tied me up, and I was basically forced into it as a precaution.

I realize there's not much I can do to apologize, but all I can think of is to briefly take care of your dog. When you get out of Subspace, I will, of course, return her to you, no questions asked. If you don't get out of Subspace…. Well, let's face it, you will, and even if you didn't, you wouldn't be reading this note anyways.

So sorry again,

Olimar Tate

For a moment, Mario and Link stared at the letter. "Well," Link finally said, "I guess we can't go into the Woods anymore, I mean, without Zoey-"

"We'll have to go in without her," Mario said firmly.

Eventually, after several minutes of debate on the matter, abandoning the blanket in the house for favor of running speed, and the eventual administering of scooby snacks, Mario got Link out of Crazy's house and to the entrance of the Lost Woods.

Sure enough, as they drew near, they could see a long line of 8-legged creatures scuttling into the darkness of the trees. Ignoring Link's groan, Mario stepped in after them. Almost immediately, darkness began pressing in on them. In response, Mario put up his hand and snapped his fingers, summoning a handful of fire to illuminate the area.

The outer edge of the Lost Woods acted as a sort of a maze. The trees grew so close together, with small clearings here and there, that it was pretty much a labyrinth of tunnels formed by the tangled branches. Taking a single wrong turn would send someone back out to the entrance. This much had been told to Mario by the Crazy Hand the previous year, and he filled Link in as they headed through. By following the spiders, they managed to get the correct path through the trees and into the forest proper.

Once in the main woods, it became even more critical to keep up with the spiders, as the inside of the forest was labyrinthine for a whole different reason, and didn't even hold the comfort that a wrong turn would set you back at the entrance.

Even with Mario's fire, it was unnaturally dark. The two boys felt like a gigantic blanket was being pressed over their face. It was even unnaturally warm, for being night- within minutes, Mario was sweating profusely. And no, it wasn't the fire, Link felt the same.

It didn't take Mario long to realize that the spiders were leading them to a part of the Woods he hadn't been to last time. He started to get a little nervous: what if they couldn't find their way back? He was just starting to think about how they'd go about getting back to the edge of the woods when an intensely bright, blue light suddenly flooded through the trees. After all the darkness, it was like a sharp stick to his eyes. From the yelp behind him, he guessed it had affected Link similarly. Holding their arms over their eyes, they began slowly making their way towards the source.

Mario was still half-blinded, trying to get a bearing, when he heard Link call out, "Hey, Mario, check it out! It's the Sky Runner!"

"It's the what now?" Mario asked, entirely deadpan. Finally, he unshielded his eyes.

Sure enough, standing in front of them was a tall blue phone box, giving off the light from its bulb.

"Wow," he said, staring at it. "Haven't seen the good old Sky Runner for ten chapters now!"

Link nodded in agreement. As he approached, the doors swung open, revealing the much larger-on-the-inside interior. As he entered, the bulb on top began fading into darkness, and back into light, again and again, while making a pleased sort of groaning noise. Looking around, Link allowed himself a smile as he saw all the monitors displaying scenes of celebration. "I think she's happy to see us..." Here, he turned to Mario. "Wonder if she'll- Mario?"

For Mario had disappeared.

"Mario?" Link asked, stepping nervously forward. "Mario? Marioooooo?"** Unable to find his friend, he leaned against a long, thin tree to plan his next move.

A very spindly tree.

A very spindly tree that was currently moving.

Link spun around and followed the tree up the trunk with his eyes. "That's no tree..." he said quietly, his voice quavering with fear. "That's a skulltula!"

Sure enough, the 'tree' turned out to be the leg of a monstrous spider. It was currently glaring down at him. In two of it's legs, it was holding Mario in a monstrous sort of bear hug. Mario's eyes were wide, and his mouth was moving, but, possibly due to his lungs being crushed, no sound was coming out.

Link struggled for a moment, opening and closing his mouth in a manner similar to Mario himself. Finally, he did what just about any other arachniphobe would do in this situation (or at least, I would:) he passed out.

Mario watched through half-closed eyes as his friend fainted dead away onto the ground. Another ginormous (a word because I said so) spider came out of the trees, picked up the boy in green, and both began carrying their loads deeper into the Woods. For a moment, Mario thought he heard the Sky Runner giving off another groaning noise, this time more sad, but he didn't have much time to analyze it: he'd just noticed that these spiders seemed to have gigantic skull faces on their backs. This realization sent him after Link into oblivion.

...Not the movie.

XXXX

Mario awoke to more pressing darkness. Taking information from his other senses, he was able to deduce that he was lying on the ground. Therefore, the spider had put him down. He was just trying to decide whether or not this was a good thing when he heard a voice speaking above him. "Queen Gohma! Queen Gohma! We seek your council!"

Finally, Mario's eyes began to adjust, and what he saw almost made him pass out again.

He was in the middle of a clearing surrounded by almost an army of those gigantic horror-creatures. Right next to him, he saw that Link seemed to have awoken first- not that this was much help. He was seemingly frozen in place, incapable of doing much else besides gaping in horror at the position they were in.

Suddenly, a great crashing noise alerted them to another approaching entity- turning, they saw a new gigantic creature stomping through the trees. It had, not 2, not 4, not 6, not even 8, but _10_ limbs. 8 legs propelled a great black body forward, brandishing 2 large pincers. The boys stared as the monstrous scorpion found its (or, going off Mario's assumption that this was Queen Gohma, her) way into the clearing. And then, it spoke.

"What is it?" the scorpion asked, agitation evident in her voice. "It had better be important, waking me up in the middle of the night."

"We have found two interlopers," said one of the spiders, bowing low. "They seemed to be the owners of the great blue box that has been tormenting us. We have brought them before your majesty to bring justice upon them."

Previous to this, Mario hadn't seen any eyes on this... Queen Gohma, but as he watched in terror, a single great eye blinked open and peered at them. There was a moment of dead silence. "Kill them. Kill them both."

Horrified, Mario forced his voice to work. "We're friends of the Crazy Hand!" he cried, and was happy to see this seemed to catch Gohma's interest. "He sent us here!"

"Silence, human," one of the other spiders said, stepping forward, clicking it's pincers.

"HOLD IT!" Gohma cried, and the words popped up in a big stamp before disappearing. "Don't touch them!" Turning to Mario, she spoke directly to them. "Crazy?" she asked, and Mario was surprised to hear tenderness in her voice. "That's strange. He's never sent humans to us before..."

"He had no choice!" Mario spoke quickly. "Gohma-"

Here, he was interrupted by an outburst of furious voices from around them. "You will address her as 'Queen Gohma,' or 'your majesty!'" one of the spiders growled.

"Okay!" Mario said quickly, feeling his voice crack. "Um... _Queen _Gohma- Crazy's been arrested!"

"Arrested?!" Gohma cried, and there was more angry chattering from the crowd. "What happened?! Tell me the story!"

Mario gulped- he didn't dare deny her that request. "They think Crazy's been setting some sort of creature on the students of the Smash Bros. Like before."

"_BEFORE?!_" Gohma asked, her voice becoming hysterical. "The Crazy Hand had nothing to do with the Dungeon of Secrets! You see no more than the fools who arrested him fifty years ago, who thought _I _was the Smash Bros. Horror! I, a young spider who had hardly been given life!"

"Spider?" Mario asked.

"Of course, given the state of my kin! I became a scorpion later on!"

"How-"

"You don't want to know."

Mario thought for a second. Finally, he said, "Just given life... you mean, you weren't raised by Proton Jon? You're not from the Dungeon?"

"Of course not," Gohma hissed, annoyance clear in her voice. "I was raised by Crazy. I was only born earlier that year. He cared for me, protected me, fed me. It is a debt I could never hope to repay. But even so...

"I was so afraid when I realized what the Smash Bros. Horror was. I begged Crazy to release me, to find me sanctuary."

"And... what _is _the Smash Bros. Horror?"

Gohma's voice now filled with fury, and- was it possible?- fear. "It is the Unnameable! A creature that is the mortal enemy of my kind, the most feared creature of all- I never even told Crazy the name of that abomination! Eventually, he decided to take me to the Lost Woods, we were discovered by that meddling fool, Ben Nelson. I ran that day... I ran so hard...

"For a while, it seemed Crazy would escape prison. But then a young man was found dead in a girl's locker room- he had been drowned. It was taken that Crazy had done it as revenge, and his fate was sealed."

"George Locke..." Mario mused out loud.

"What was that?"

"George Locke," Mario said, louder. "The boy who drowned."

"I did not know the identity of the boy." Mario noted, with no small amount of dismay, that Gohma seemed to be losing interest in their little chat. "We are done here."

"M-Mario..." said another voice, and Mario turned: Link had just spoken for the first time. "L-look..."

Mario looked, and his stomach vanished once more. The spiders were closing in on them. He spun around to address Gohma. "Thanks for the help!" he said, speeding through his words. "We've got just about everything we need, sowe'lljustbegoingkaythanxbye!"

"You'll be going, will you?" Gohma asked, looking at them through her single eye. "I don't think so. You see, I always keep my kin from harming the Crazy Hand, but I have no desire to keep them from such... brazen morsels. Farewell, friends of the Crazy Hand." And with that, her eye closed, and she vanished back into the darkness.

Mario and Link pulled closer to each other. "I don't suppose you have a plan?" Mario asked.

Link was so green that he blended in with his tunic. "No. You?"

Mario, feeling sick, shook his head. The two drew closer together, their eyes closed, waiting for the end...

Their salvation came in the form of a sudden groaning noise through the trees. Next, a violently bright light filled the clearing. The boys looked up to see the Sky Runner tearing through the Woods, spinning as it hurtled towards them. It came to a screeching halt in front of them, and the doors opened as if to say, "Hurry and get in!" They didn't have to be told twice. The doors swung shut right away behind them. A message came up on the monitor: _Where to?_

Doing his best to ignore the sound of large, angry spiders throwing themselves against the box, Mario yelled, "THE SMASH MANSION!"

A new message appeared: _Okay, okay, I'm not deaf. _And suddenly, the gigantic room lurched upwards, soaring away from the forest. As they rose, a sink appeared on one side of the room, just in time for Link to stagger over and empty the entire contents of his stomach into it. "SPIDERS!" he yelled, not daring to leave the sink, just in case. "FREAKING SPIDERS! WHEN CRAZY GETS BACK FROM SUBSPACE, I'M GOING TO KILL HIM!"

"Maybe he thought that him getting arrested would get Gohma to tell us what the Horror is," Mario choked out- he was currently collapsed on the ground. "And he definitely didn't think Gohma would hurt friends of his..."

"Yeah, well, if he had the slightest idea what was dangerous, he wouldn't be in Subspace to begin with!" Link pointed out, still raging. "AND WHAT WAS THE POINT ANYWAYS?! What have we actually found out?!"

Mario thought, but all he could think of was, "Crazy never knew where the Dungeon of Secrets was. He isn't Jon's heir- he's innocent."

XXXX

It was two depressedm boys that made their way up to the Nintendo hub that night. They were trudging quietly up the steps, slowly moving under Mario's blanket. Looking forlornly around, Mario's eyes fell on the door to the Poe's locker room. Nice.

It was only 30 more floors up that the full significance of what they'd discovered that night his Mario with the ferocity of a rhino. Abruptly, he seized Link and dragged him into a nearby unused classroom.

"Mario!" Link said, quietly as he could, as soon as Mario had removed his hand from his mouth. "The heck are you doing?"

"Locke, George Locke."

"Introducing him like Sean Connery doesn't help me understand!" Link said, already agitated.

"He died in a girl's locker room, right? _What if he's still there?_ Staying there, stubborn, refusing to leave..."

Link snapped to attention. "Wait," he said. "You're joking- not _him?_ Not the freaking _Poe?_"

_XXXX_

*As usual, feel free to check this one out, but I should probably warn you that it's a horror, so approach with caution.

**I only wish Luigi had been present for this part.

Okay, this chapter was a game-changer. And, wow, only three chapters left. It took much longer than it should have to get to this point, for which, once more, I apologize profusely. But while we're almost to the end of the story, and this was such a game-changing chapter, I wanted to ask you guys something: what do you think about getting a cover for these stories? I've seen a lot of stories doing this, and some of them got some _really awesome _covers. The problem is, I have very little (read: no) artistic ability, so if you think I should get some covers, I would also appreciate you pointing me towards a way to get ones without melting your eyes with my own drawings. Just a thoughts, and to let me know, or if you have anything to say about the story itself, please R&R, constructive criticism immensely welcome, flames will be delegated to my fireplace, Gamer4 out.


	16. The Dungeon of Secrets

Gamer4 in. I'm starting this chapter fairly soon after the last one. Why is that important?... That's what I'm wondering.

Disclaimer: Well, I suppose I should mention I'm _not _one of the Runaway Guys...

Chapter XVI

The Dungeon of Secrets

There's bitter. Then there's coffee bitter. Then there's Liquid Snake bitter. And then there's an actual drink called bitter. And, way down the line, combining all these bitters into one massive ball of bitterness, is a bitter that is still not nearly as bitter as Mario and Link were at this newest revelation. As Link put it, "All that time, and the only person we needed to ask was keeping guard for us..."

Dawn had been about to break when they realized that the only person that they ever needed to ask about the whole thing had been the Poe all along, so they hadn't been able to go down to meet up with him. And now, with security in the mansion so tight, it was starting to seem unfeasible that they'd ever get down to the locker room. The locker room, on top of that, that was right next to where Louise had been attacked, which was under almost 24-hour a day watch by Mido. The locker room being watched by Mido, moreover, which was a _girls' _locker room. If only Zelda was still available...

But Samus made an announcement the next day during their class with her that shocked them out of having any more ideas. "The end-of-year exams," she stated, standing at the front of the room, "will be taking place a week from now. This is a decision-"

"Exams?!" cried one of the students. "We're _still _getting those?"

Samus frowned at them. "Of course, what did you think? That just because there is a monster somewhere in our school picking us all off one by one, we'd call off the tests? What is the point, I ask you, of keeping a school open that doesn't teach? If there was one sure-fire way to ensure that our school was closed down, that would be it. Like I said, the exams will take place next week. I hope you've all been studying."

Mario and Link both stared up at her in horror. Neither had thought that exams would be held with the Mansion in the state it was. However, Link had even more reason to be horrified than Mario did. Turning to look at Mario, he produced his sword, which had been, once again, very roughly glued back together. "Can you imagine me taking exams with this piece of crud?!" he asked hysterically.

XXXX

The next day was a solemn affair at breakfast. Most students were quietly eating some cereal, not daring to look up. However, this changed as Samus Aran rose up to the stand that was usually the Master Hand's. For the first time in a while, she was smiling. "I have some good news!" she called out.

"The Master Hand's coming back!" Maya Fey called out.

"Proton Jon's Heir has been caught!" called out Lucas.

"We're going to finish the Smash-Up circuit!" Captain Falcon cried.

Samus didn't interrupt, instead allowing the chatter to die on its own. When it did, she said, loud and clear, "According to Daisy, the boku babas are reaching the final stages of their adolescence! Before long, they will begin producing seeds. Once the cure has been administered, we will finally have all our fallen students back with us, and it's very likely that one of them will have the answer- and we will finally know who has been behind all this!"

Through all the cheering, Mario glanced over at Bowser, who, predictably enough, was wearing a large grimace.

"Game over, man!" Link cheered, thumping Mario on the back. "Guess it doesn't matter that we never got to talk to the Poe, huh? Zelda had it all figured out before they got her, she'll be able to tell them everything when she wakes up! Assuming, of course, she doesn't get a heart attack when she finds out that the exams are six days from now- I know I did. Actually, maybe they should just leave her until the exams are over."

"If only it were that easy," said a forlorn voice behind them. They turned to find an unlikely couple behind them: Adam, the apparent speaker, standing side-by-side with Peach. Peach looked immensely nervous, and while Adam's expression was unreadable, being hidden behind a bed sheet, his voice wasn't exactly brimming with confidence either.

"What the-" Link said out loud, staring at them. "What are you two doing here?"

"There are confessions to be made," said Adam. "Me and Peach- we haven't been... entirely truthful with you two. It's about time the secrets came out. Come on," he added, motioning for them to follow. "It's best we talk about it somewhere else."

Mario and Link looked at each other, shrugged, and stood, following the unlikely duo out into the entrance hall and into an unused classroom.

"Alright, you two, what's this about?" Mario asked.

"We've been keeping secrets from you," Adam said. "But it's important that everything comes out now. Go on, Peach, tell them what you told me."

For a while, Peach stood still, staring at the ground, moving her mouth but saying nothing. Mario stared- she reminded him of Yoshi whenever the young dinosaur/dragon/whatever was on the verge of revealing secrets. Working it out, he said, "It's about the Dungeon of Secrets, isn't it? You two know something?"

Adam turned his bed-sheet eyes on them. "Maybe I should go first," he said. "Okay, then. Cards on the table. The truth is, I'm-"

Abruptly, the door swung open, and everyone spun around to see Rob standing there. From the look on Rob's face, he hadn't expected to find them there, either. Adam cursed, and suddenly soared up through the ceiling, disappearing from sight. Peach, in particular, looked like a deer caught in headlights.

"Wh-what are you doing here?" Rob asked, sounding not arrogant, but actually afraid. "Peach, what have you done?!"

Peach, looking more scared than ever, rushed out the door past him.

"Dang it, Rob!" Link said. "You had to walk in right then, didn't you? Nobody ever gets their secrets out, do they?! It's always halfway through, then something happens to stop them!"

"Secrets?!" Rob choked out, staring at them. "W-what did Peach tell you?!"

"She was about to tell us something important, something about the Dungeon!"

"Oh- oh," Rob said, sounding relieved. "Don't worry, it was nothing about the Dungeon. It's just that- it was something that Peach caught me- well- and it was here, so when I saw you all in here, I- but- and well- and I asked her not to tell anyone. I never thought she'd break that promise."

This was the most uncomfortable Mario had ever seen the robot. After a long, awkward silence, the three headed out of the room, Rob embarrassed, Link annoyed, and Mario wondering why Adam hadn't come up in their talk- as much as it could be called that- with Rob.

XXXX

As much as Mario was glad at the idea that he might not have to get involved in this one for the mystery to be solved, he still wanted to talk to the Poe, should the opportunity arise. And so it came to be that he and Link began spending a great deal of time trying to find one. And, to their delight, arise it did.

While Mario and Link had never particularly liked Tingle to begin with, he had become so insufferable after Crazy's arrest that he quickly became their second-least favorite teacher, losing out only to Wolf, and giving even him a run for his money. He spent his classes boasting about how clearly evil the Crazy Hand had been, and how it was lucky for the hand that the President had stepped in and arrested him before he'd come down on him. He was thoroughly convinced of Crazy's guilt, and even began hinting at writing a book about how his efforts had lead to Crazy's discovery and capture. While it made both of the young smashers want to strangle him, it did eventually provide a chance to go and question the Poe.

Their most recent class with him was quickly drawing to a close, and Tingle was giving his usual speeches about Crazy and his guilt. "Mark my words, young children, a great evil has left the Smash Mansion!" he cheered for about the fiftieth time that day. "Those poor people in the hospital wing have been avenged! I don't know why we even bother chaperoning students around anymore, with the menace so clearly gone!"

Mario, who had previously been contemplating how best to drop both his and Link's collections of Tingle's books onto the author's head unnoticed, suddenly snapped to attention. He'd just gotten a good idea. The question was, would it work? "I agree, Mr. Limpah!" he called out, calling the teacher by his surname in the hopes of getting on his good side. "That Crazy Hand, such a criminal!"

"Exactly, my dear boy!" Tingle trilled, grinning at them.

Link stared open-mouthed at Mario for a second. "What are you doing?" he hissed.

"Getting us a ticket to see the Poe!" Mario hissed back. Link suddenly seemed to understand.

"Yep!" he joined in. "I can't believe how obvious it was, we were so blind!"

"You see, my pupils! Even the fairy boy agrees!" Tingle cried in happiness, doing a backflip.

"Of course!" Link said. "And to think that he would have gotten away with it too, if it weren't for you, the meddling teacher!" More quietly, he added, "And dumb dog."

"Let's not be insulting Zoey here," Mario whispered back.

"Of course, our new freedom is down to me!" Tingle said, his ego inflating so rapidly that it was amazing the mansion could hold it in. Several students were staring at the exchange. Ness and Diddy in particular had their eyebrows up.

"And now that we're free, we don't exactly need chaperoning anymore, do we?" Mario put in.

"I suppose not!" Tingle said, jumping for joy.

"So you wouldn't object if we made a quick trip to the bathroom?" Link asked, raising his hand with his index finger raised up.

"No, I don't suppose I would!" Tingle said, not even sparing a moment to contemplate his answer. "Go to that bathroom, my friends! Go in the name of freedom, and the liberation of the Smash Mansion!" He cheered as Mario and Link jumped up and left him- and a very confused class- behind them.

They stepped out into the hallway, and immediately began heading down the stairs towards the Poe's locker room, congratulating themselves on a brilliant scheme pulled off against the least competent teacher in history, when-

"Mario! Faron! What are you doing?"

They whirled around to see a very cross Samus striding down the hallway towards them. Their hearts skipped a beat. Now they were in trouble... they wouldn't be able to fool her as easily as Tingle.

Mario wildly came up with a story on the spot. "We're visiting Zelda!" he invented. "We were so glad when we heard the boku babas are almost old enough that we thought we'd head up to Zelda and let her know- you know, that things were going to be alright. And we made sure it was during Tingle's class, so we weren't missing anything!"

He seemed incredibly fevered to Link. For a moment, there was silence, during which they half-expected Samus to explode- which, as anyone who knew her could testify, would leave a crater in the earth to rival Crater Lake.

But then, to their surprise, they saw a tear fall down her face. "Y-yes," she said. "Of course. I suppose that this will have been hard on... friends... of those who- right. You have my permission- tell Nurse Tessie- go."

Not wasting any time, they turned and ran. As they did, they could swear they heard a nose being blown. As they ran, Link muttered, "Now I'm starting to wonder how much of what you've told _me _is true..."

Well, they didn't want Samus to question Nurse Tessie and find out they'd lied, so they decided to make a detour to visit the hospital wing after all. It wasn't strictly on the way, but it would spare them the wrath of a furious Samus, which would make going up against the Smash Bros. Horror seem like a day at Disneyland.

Nurse Tessie wasn't exactly happy to let them in, but did so once they told her they had Samus's permission. But once they were in, they weren't entirely sure what to do- Zelda couldn't exactly hear anything they might or might not say to her. Nevertheless, they had to stay a sufficient amount of time to alleviate suspicion, so they instead began talking with each other.

"Are we sure any of them did see the Heir, though?" Link wondered, after a small bit of conversation. "I mean, it would only take the Smash Bros. Horror to petrify them, the Heir didn't necessarily have to be there. And if we don't know who was actually behind it..."

Mario sunk low, not at all pleased with the thought. And as he sunk lower, his eyes fell on Zelda' s hand. Well, a fist would be more accurate. A fist, moreover, holding a crumpled up page. "Check this out!" he said excitedly to Link. Link bent over, and the look of excitement crossed to his face, too.

"You want me to get it out?"

"Yeah, you better..."

Mario stood watch as Link carefully began working the paper out of Zelda's newfound iron grip. Finally, Link made a noise of jubilation that Mario took to mean the paper had been freed. He turned, and they quickly flattened the paper out on Zelda's bedside table and began to read.

_There have been many horrifying creatures discovered by smashers over the years,_ (it began,) _but none more terrifying than the eldritch abomination known as the Giga Koopa. This is a monstrous creature that mainly lives deep underground, as darkness is its greatest friend. These unholy abominations are only born from koopa eggs hatched under very special rituals, known only to few smashers, and some say that they are kooopas possessed by spirits called from another plane of existence. _

These creatures resemble nothing that belongs to our own universe, and are not bound by our dimension's laws. While Giga Koopas are typically larger than a house, they also possess the ability to fit through very tight spaces, should the need arise. For this reason, one is never truly safe from its deadly gaze. Men have been known to go mad simply by seeing its monstrous form, and, when uncontrolled, they cause so much damage that muggles typically think of the destruction in their wake as caused by a force of nature, rather than a living creature.

While the origin of the Giga Koopa is unknown, it is thought to date back at least to Ancient Greece, where stories about it mutated into the stories of the gorgons. This belief rises from the fact that, like the gorgons of ancient tales, Giga Koopas have the power to turn its victims to stone, to make them much easier pickings. The venom of the Giga Koopa is the most potent poison of anything in the entire world, capable of destroying things simply by touch. Their bodies crackle with electricity, possibly also giving rise to the legends of Zeus. Its shell is like a shield, its claws, spears. Its teeth, and the spikes on its shell, are like swords, the stomp of its feet is like thunder, and its breath- death.

As a pestilence may you know a Giga Koopa is close, as it excretes a powerful aroma, which legend would have us believe is the decaying corpses of its previous victims. Arachnids of all walks of life flee if they sense a Giga Koopa to be near, for they are its natural prey. For its part, a Giga Koopa flees only from chickens, whose call is fatal to it.

Below this was an illustration of the monster, and even in ink, Mario shuddered at the sight. Right below it was a picture that Mario recognized as one of Zelda's: it seemed to be a sort of warp pipe.

And the truth hit Mario like a slug. "Link!" he said excitedly, and he could tell Link had realized everything he had, "This is it! The Smash Bros. Horror is a Giga Koopa! It turns its victims to stone-"

"-And it would have been a great weapon for Jon to leave behind for his Heir to use against muggle-borns, wouldn't it?" Link put in. "The only other thing I've heard of with this many methods of killing is You-Know-Who!"

"And Crazy told me that his chickens were being killed!" Mario cried. "The Heir wouldn't want any weapons around to stop his pet from picking off muggle-borns!"

"And those spiders!" Link said, grinning. "No wonder they were so freaked out- even Gohma would have run for it if this thing was after her!"

"It all fits!" Mario said, punching the air.

"Well, there is one thing-" Link said, looking at him. "How's this thing been getting around undetected?"

Mario pointed at the warp pipe. "According to this, it can squeeze through tight areas if it needs to. It's been using pipes- maybe warp pipes, but who knows. Put that together with all the victims being in pretty isolated spots-"

"Yeah," Link said, looking thoughtful. "Louise was attacked in an abandoned hallway while everyone else was at one Halloween party or the other-"

"Pichu was attacked in the dead of night," Mario agreed, "and the only other people who were up were the Master Hand and Samus, and that was just a fluke!"

"Everyone was in their hubs when Duster and Pit were attacked, because of how cold outside it was," Link nodded. "No kind of atmosphere. Those two were alone- more or less."

Interrupting Link's lyrical waxing, Mario said, "And Zelda and Juana were attacked while everyone else was out at the Smash-Up match! And Zelda... she realized what it was, because only I could hear it- because I'm a Mi-Go! It's a koopa, I'm a Mi-Go, no wonder I could hear it!"

Link looked up. "And the entrance to the Dungeon? What about that?"

Mario looked over the paper, searching for clues. "'_As a pestilence may you know...'_" he quoted. Suddenly, he snapped his fingers. "Well, Jon would have had to hide the entrance in a place where the smell would go unnoticed. Somewhere dirty, unsanitary, where you'd expect a nasty smell-"

They looked up at each other. "_The Poe's locker room!_" they chanted.

"No wonder," Link said. "The stench of all its previous victims would be nothing compared to the stench of a school locker room!"

"And the Heir didn't kill George to get revenge on Ben- it was because he was getting to close to the real entrance!" Mario snapped his fingers. "Hard telling whether he knew it or not, but..."

For a moment, they were both silent. Then Link voiced the most obvious question: "So... what now?"

Mario stared up at him, and the excitement drained out of him. Even if they now knew what the Smash Bros. Horror was, that made it no easier to fight it. What chance did they really have against such a monstrous creature?

"We'll have to tell the teachers," Mario said slowly. "They'll have to know. Then they can decide what to do next."

Link nodded. "Alright," he said.

The two dashed out of the hospital wing and rushed down the stairs to the teacher's lounge. No sooner had they arrived in the room, however, than a disembodied voice rang out through it. For a wild moment, Mario thought it was the voice of the Giga Koopa, but two things disproved this: first off, Link could clearly hear it as well, and second, it was clearly Samus's voice.

"All students return immediately to their hubs! All teachers meet in the teacher's lounge _right now!_"

Never had Mario imagined Samus sounding so panicky. Mario and Link quickly looked at each other. "What now?" Link asked.

"Let's hide in a closet," Mario said quickly. "Hide, hear what's going on, then we can come out and tell them everything."

"Awesome," Link said, dashing over to the closet. No sooner had they both entered and closed the door than the door to the lounge opened once more, and in rushed Daisy. She was quickly followed by Pikachu, Wolf, Nurse Tessie, Coach Lakitu, and several others. Bringing up the rear was Samus herself. She closed the door and turned to all the others.

"The game's over," she said, in a much different voice from how Link had said it earlier. "Another student has been attacked, and there isn't any statue this time- she was taken by the Smash Bros. Horror into the Dungeon itself."

A collective gasp arose from the teachers. Coach Lakitu fell back in his cloud, Daisy covered her mouth, and Wolf grimaced even more than usual. "How can you tell?"

"I checked first, of course," Samus said, "but I found out when Jon's Heir left another message, right under the first one. 'In her new home in the Dungeon of Secrets, dead Peach waits dreaming.' And Peach Faron has disappeared."

Mario turned to see Link, turning white, collapse to the ground. Luckily, Coach Lakitu and his cloud did so at the same time, so the thud went unnoticed.

"So, what do we do now?" Wolf asked, and Mario was shocked to hear a genuine note of fear in his voice.

"We evacuate," Samus said immediately. "We send messages to the students' families tonight, make sure they all stay in their hubs, and when the Great Fox gets here tomorrow, we send them all home. This is the end of the Smash Bros."

"Isn't there anything we can do?" Pikachu squeaked.

"I'm afraid not," Samus said, shaking her head. "I'm not certain even the Master Hand-"

The door swung open, and for a moment, Mario was sure it would be the Master Hand, come to save the day. And so it came to be that he was even unhappier than usual to see Tingle Limpah, bouncing into the room with that hateful grin on his face. "Sorry I'm late!" he said, still sounding perfectly happy, totally immune to the sudden chill his arrival had brought. "Catching a couple of Z's, you know."

Mario looked at all the teachers, noting that he wasn't the only one who seemed furious. Wolf was wearing a look of sheer hatred usually reserved for Mario himself, Daisy had a shadow over her face, and Samus looked like she was about shoot him with lasers from her eyes. Nevertheless, it was her that spoke, and ice formed with every word from her mouth. "Ah, our salvation has arrived. Mr. Limpah. Not a moment too soon. The Heir of Proton Jon has taken a student down into the Dungeon of Secrets. Clearly, you're the one among us most suited to deal with this crisis."

"Wait, what?" Tingle asked, his eyes widening.

"Of course!" Wolf said, forcing what was the single most terrifying smile Mario had ever seen. "You _were _telling me not that long ago that you knew exactly what the Smash Bros. Horror was, and had the ideal strategy for defeating it!"

"Wh- did I- well, I don't-" Tingle sputtered.

"Oh, frabjous day, calooh, callay!" Pikachu chimed in, his own grin not entirely hiding the furious electricity crackling at his cheeks. "Now that you mention it, Wolf, I _do _recall our Mr. Limpah telling me that it was a shame that he hadn't been let loose on Jon's Heir from the beginning! Now he has that chance!"

"I, for one, will feel entirely safe once I know that Tingle Limpah is on the case," Daisy put in. "I motion to allow Tingle to take on the monster single-handedly. We should have let him do so from the start."

"I second that motion!" Nurse Tessie piped up.

"Very well," Samus said, "All in favor of giving Tingle full reign, say 'Aye!'"

A great chorus rose up from the teachers: "AYE!"

"And all opposed, say 'Nay.'"

For a moment, it looked like Tingle was about to protest, but, as he looked around at all the glares, he seemed acutely aware of them for the first time. For a brief moment, a truly ugly look crossed his face, but in the next second, he grinned, and Mario wondered if he'd imagined it. "Why, of course!" he said happily. "I shall dispose of this creature with a 'Tingle-Tingle Kooloo-Limpah! I'll just head up to my office to- you know- prepare!" And with that, he rushed out of the room.

"Well, he's gone, one way or the other," Samus said, glaring after him. "Heads of the groups, inform your students. I'll do the same, once I've contacted the Great Fox."

Slowly, the teachers all streamed out, eventually leaving only Mario and a shattered Link behind.

XXXX

What followed was what Mario would later, without hesitation, classify as one of the worst days of his life, quite possibly _the _worst. Everyone in Nintendo sat around the hub, seemingly paralyzed. The only one missing, besides Peach, was Rob, who had stayed out only long enough to send a letter home to Mr. and Mrs. Faron, then had headed up to his dorm, alone. Even Kirby and Meta Knight had nothing to say. Mario and Link sat at the edge of them all. Finally, Link spoke for the first time since approving of Mario's plan in the teacher lounge. "S-she knew something," he choked out quietly. "Not something about Rob, about the Dungeon. She and Adam were trying to tell us earlier, and... well, why else would it be? She was pure-blood."

Mario didn't speak. The thought had crossed his mind to try to find Adam, who had also seemed to know something, but the idea had also been dashed. If Peach had been hunted down, then the Heir likely knew that Adam knew as well, and he'd be just as high on the hit list. He tried to comfort himself that Adam was a ghost, but that hadn't saved Pit.

Link looked up from the table. "How's... how's this for a plan?" he said, and Mario knew that he was only saying this to try and give them the illusion that there was something- _anything- _they could do. "I know Tingle's useless, but... if he's going to try to get into the Dungeon, maybe we can help him. We go to him, tell him where it is, what's inside it, everything."

It was a mark of how bad the situation had become that Mario not only didn't use it to take a pot-shot at Tingle, but actually agreed. No one tried to stop them as they headed out past Rosalina's portrait- they were all depressed into lethargy.

The two walked forlornly through the halls, until they arrived at the door to Tingle's office. Strangely, they could hear a great deal of loud thumping from the other side. "What's he doing in there?" Link wondered, reaching out to knock.

Tingle appeared almost immediately. He looked extremely agitated, and his hair was all over the place, not even close to the usual neat hairstyle he was more accustomed to. "Yes, yes, who is it?" he asked distractedly. "Ah! Fairy boy! I'm afraid this is a really inconvenient time to-"

"We have information for you," Link interrupted. "It's about the Dungeon of Secrets"

"Well..." Tingle looked behind him, then back. "Oh, alright, come on in." And he opened the door a little wider.

Mario and Link stared as they entered. The entire room had been stripped bare. Everything was being packed into a gigantic suitcase on the table.

"What the heck is all this?" Link asked. "Going somewhere?"

"Yes, yes, it's unfortunate, but something's come up- last second- can't deny-"

"So you're just going to leave us all in this... situation?" Mario asked incredulously. "The Protection from the Evils teacher?!"

"My job is to _teach _Protection from the Evils!" Tingle pointed out. "There's nothing in the job description about actually protecting from the-"

"You mean you're running away?!" Link asked, now looking extremely dangerous. "You're just going to run out on my sister? Leave her to die?"

"Yes, well- unfortunate, yes, but-"

"You're running out on us, after everything you did in your books?!" Mario objected.

"Well, as you say, that was in my books."

"The books that _you wrote!_"

"Exactly!" Tingle cried out. "What, you thought one smasher could actually do all that?! Use your common sense!"

"Wh-" now Mario was furious. "You're a fraud! You've been taking credit for what other smashers have done!"

"Oh, it sounds so cold when you say it like that!" Tingle cried, staring at him.

"_How else would you put it?!_"

"It was business!" Tingle said. "A simple business, really. That frog that defeated Pocus- well, he was a fine smasher, but he was a _frog._ And he told me the whole story willingly."

"And why would he do that, if he knew what you were going to do?!" Mario growled.

"Well, I offered him a certain amount of... incentive..."

"Wh-" now Mario was barely hanging on. "_You've been blackmailing?!"_

"Of course!" Tingle cried. "How do you think I got this job?! People are strings, my boy, and my business is to know how each of them dance! That Frogger danced to my tune for quite a while before giving up. People will do anything, if you have the right dirt on them. I can even flick their face, if I want. That Frogger, he let me flick his eye! And, once they've lost any usefulness, I find out how they did what they did, and get to make a book out of it, and even more money comes rolling in! You see, my boy? I'm no villain- I'm just a businessman!"

Mario stared at him in shock. "How can you say-"

"Very easily," Tingle said. "Everyone's for sale, for one price or another. My business brings me some very interesting secrets, and they bring me money!"

"Have you ever actually done _anything _for yourself?!"

"Well," Tingle said, looking thoughtful, "I suppose I'm good with memory manipulation. Everyone has a breaking point, the point they won't take any more at. And that's when I hit them with my patented memory erasure. Takes everything they are away from them. Turns them into mindless vegetables- but a mindless vegetable is no threat!"

"And why did you want this job?"

"Isn't it obvious?" Tingle asked, his eyes wide, staring at Mario. "You, my boy! You and the fairy boy! The biggest treasure trove since-"

Here, he was interrupted by a heavy right cross to his face courtesy of Link, who had a fire burning in his eyes. "For future reference," Link growled, "_I'm not a freaking fairy!"_

Mario reached down, removed the watch from Tingle's neck, and stepped on it. Link picked it up and tossed it out a nearby window. Then, they turned back to Tingle. "So, what now?" Link asked. "I'd say we have something on_ you _now, wouldn't you? How does a nice, relaxing vacation to the Dungeon of Secrets sound? All expenses paid?"

Tingle looked up in horror. "The Dungeon? Haven't you been listening? _I don't know where it is! _I wouldn't even know where to begin!"

"Luckily for you, we already know everything," Link snarled. "We're going out tonight to catch us a Giga Koopa, and you're coming with us!"

"If you need any information," Mario put in, glaring, "you can check the enclosed instruction book." Here, he threw a random copy of _Raiders of the Lost Wand _right into Tingle's face, giving him a black eye.

Tingle looked up at them pathetically.

XXXX

And so it came to be that the two boys dragged the adult down to the Poe's locker room. Inside, they looked around. "Poe?" Mario asked. The locker opened, and the Poe peered out.

"Oh, it's you two," he said. "What do you want?"

"We have some questions to ask you," Link said, "but first, we should tell you that we've captured a Patriot spy, and we'll need your help keeping him from running away."

The Poe jumped out of the locker when he heard the bit about the spy. "Is that him?" he asked excitedly, looking at a very confused-looking Tingle.

"That's him," Mario nodded.

"I knew it! I freaking knew it!" the Poe cried, doing some loop-the-loops in the air in celebration.

"Yeah, yeah, congratulations," Link said quickly, not wanting to waste time. "We need to ask you something, it's key in bringing the Patriots down."

"Well, if that's the case," the Poe said, eagerly floating down to look at them, "ask anything you want."

"We wanted to know," Mario started, wondering how the spirit would take this, "how you died."

The Poe seemed slightly disappointed, but quickly shook it off. "Well, you've been misinformed. My death had nothing to do with the Patriots. But I suppose it wouldn't hurt to tell you the story. I was trying to hunt down the Dungeon of Secrets at the time. It was just after Crazy was captured, but I wanted to make sure everything was still on the up-and-up. I'd heard the entrance was in a locker room, so I came in here, and was just looking at the sinks when someone forced me into one of them- it was full- and drowned me. It sucked, let me tell you."

"The sink?!" Mario asked, and he quickly turned to the row of sinks. "Maybe one of them-"

"Yeah, and it was a weird feeling, coming back as a ghost," the Poe continued, heedless. "First, I was just kind of floating away. And then I was back, floating beside my body, with its head still in the sink. Guess I proved that gingers have souls after all..."

"Ginger?" Link asked, staring at him.

"Oh, yeah, didn't you know? I'm ginger. The envy of Doctors everywhere."

"What does being a doctor have to do with being ginger?"

"You wouldn't know, I suppose," the Poe sighed.

Mario, ignoring this, found a picture of a turtle on the side of one of the sinks. However, it wasn't an ordinary turtle- it was wearing an expression of extreme hostility. A koopa.

"But then this great spider came scurrying out-" the Poe was still narrating to Link.

"Hey, Link, come look over at this," Mario beckoned over. "I think this is it. The entrance to the Dungeon of secrets."

Link came over and looked at it. "I think..." he said. "I think you should try saying something in the koopa language."

"-and then I found five dollars," the Poe concluded his story. Tingle was staring at him, wide-eyed, not daring to move.

Mario looked at the koopa, and enunciated, "I, Mario Mario, order you to open up and reveal the Dungeon of Secrets!"

A snort alerted him to the others. It had come from the Poe, but Link was staring at him, too. "Yeah, that was English," he said, scratching the back of his head, "not to mention completely over-the-top."

Turning red as his hat, Mario turned back to the koopa, trying to imagine that it was alive. "You want to open up for me? Please?"

However, what he said and what Link heard were, this time, two different things. A strange combination of clicking and grunting escaped Mario's mouth, and suddenly, a the mirror over the sink began to reflect something entirely different from the locker room. It changed to show a long, dark, stone tunnel. And then, the wall simply slid out of existence, revealing the tunnel itself behind it.

"Wow," Mario said.

"Wow," Link said.

"Wow," the Poe said.

"Meep," Tingle said.

Everyone turned to him. "Well, Tingle, after you."

"What?!" Tingle cried. "Why me? What good would I do?"

"Revealing any booby traps, for instance," Mario said. "You're the canary we're throwing in to see how safe it is."

"And if you don't," Link added, "we're leaving you to the Poe's mercy."

Tingle looked from them to the Poe, then slowly stepped forward. He stood directly in front of the tunnel, peering in. "Seems safe to me!" he said. "I suppose I'll just-"

He was cut off as the Poe suddenly rushed forward, shoving Tingle into the tunnel. A trapdoor suddenly open, and Tingle, with a yelp, plummeted into it. Mario and Link turned to stare at the Poe. "Ummm..."

"He was boring me," the Poe said simply.

"We're not objecting that you did it," Link assured him, "we're just wondering _how _you did it."

"I pushed him."

"But you're a ghost."

"So I am. What's your point?"

For a moment, they simply stared at him. They were interrupted by a voice from below, sounding like a fairly shocked Tingle. "Um... I think it's safe to come down..."

Mario turned to look at Link. "Last chance to turn back."

"Are you kidding?" Link said. "Peach is down there, and we're going to save her."

"I suppose so," Mario said, stepping forward. Suddenly, he stopped. "Wow, that was weird."

"What was weird?"

"I suddenly got this feeling- it felt like this is something I'm going to be doing a lot later on..."

Link stared at him. "Well, don't know why you feel like that, but I feel something similar- but towards Zelda, not Peach."

For a moment, they stared at each other.

"You know, you two are starting to bore me, too," the Poe said.

The two snapped to attention. "Well, excuse me, spirit," Link said. "Didn't realize we had to meet your _fascist _standards to how to enter a final battle."

"You coming?" Mario asked.

"Well, as much as I'd love to see the show," the Poe said, "and I really would, it sounds like it's going to be epic, there's something I have to do."

"What's that?"

"Oh, nothing, just something I need to do. Nothing to do with you."

Mario and Link stared for a second. "Suit yourself," Link shrugged, before dropping himself down the trapdoor.

After a moment, Mario followed suit, with the best battle cry in the history of battle cries: "This reminds me so much of last yeeeeaaaar!"

As it turned out, the 'tunnel' to the Dungeon of Secrets wasn't much more than a long slide. A very long slide.

A very, very long slide.

A very, very, very long slide.

...A very, very, very, _very _long slide.

I'm serious, here, it was like they'd gone on every slide in the world at the same time, but it was _even longer. _

Finally, it began to level out, and they came shooting out, landing in a dark room. Well, 'room' is being generous- it was more of a _cave. _

Tingle was just pulling himself to his feet. "It is so filthy down here!" he said, brushing desperately at himself. "Filthy, filthy, filthy."

"Deal with it," Link said firmly.

"Alright," Mario said, taking charge. Looking around, he took in their new environment. "It looks like we've got some walking to do. Tingle, you take the lead. I'll follow right behind, with some fire to light the way." As he said this, he snapped his fingers to summon said fire. "Link, you've got your... problem-" Link cringed as he remembered his still-malfunctioning sword, "-so you'll stay in the back. Any questions?"

Tingle raised his hand. "You're kidding me with the raised hand, right?" Mario said.

"Are you sure you don't want to scout ahead, first?"

"Absolutely," Mario said. "Well, let's get going..."

And so it came to be that they set off into the Dungeon of Secrets. Fortunately, there didn't seem to be any more traps as they headed deeper and deeper into the ground. Mario decided he'd somewhat been expecting this, given what the paper had said about Giga Koopas liking it nice and dark. Not that it made him any happier about it.

It had been about four minutes of walking when it happened: Tingle let out a shriek of fear and collapsed to the ground, out cold. Mario, looking ahead to see what had frightened him, had his heart jump himself when he saw a gigantic, monstrous form looming ahead. He closed his eyes tight, expecting to die at any second...

And then the next second...

And then the next...

Finally, he reached the conclusion that he _wasn't _going to die, and opened his eyes again.

There, ahead of them, was a huge statue that he assumed represented the Giga Koopa. Though there was always the hope that he was wrong.

Link laughed when he saw the statue. "Well, if I didn't believe he was a fraud before, I sure do –"

Suddenly, there was a crashing noise, and Mario whirled around. Tingle had jumped to his feet, shoved Link down, and grabbed his sword right out of its sheath. Apparently, in the dark, he couldn't see the deep cracks running throughout the blade. "Game over, boys," he said, using the phrase for the third time this chapter, and yet again, in a different manner from the previous ones to use it. "Nothing more to say, nothing more to do. All I need to do is go back up, with a couple of vegetables in tow, and tell them how you were shattered at the sight of a fair maiden's dead, desecrated body. Fortunately, I managed to kill off the Giga Koopa, so the attacks are all done with. I take a business trip, and the residents of this mansion can fend for themselves. I wish them luck. Which of you wants to go first?" His eyes flicked onto Link. "Ah, the fairy boy who betrayed me. You'll make a nice sacrifice. Tingle, Tingle, kooloo-Limpah!"

Link's blade exploded, and this time, it took the hilt with it. Tingle was blasted into the opposite wall. A rumbling in the cave alerted both Mario and Link to imminent danger: Link, grudgingly, rushed over to shield Tingle, while Mario hurtled off down the tunnel, thinking only of Peach.

The statue, along with a great deal of the ceiling, collapsed. A great cloud of dust rose as boulder after boulder tumbled to the ground, blocking off the tunnel. Mario stared at the wreckage. "Um... Link?" he asked, as the rumbling subsided. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah... I'm fine," came Link's voice. "This idiot's not, though. Took a boulder to the head, it looks like. Not sure exactly what that sword did, though it's probably not going to bother me _too _much, frankly."

"Why did you save him, then?" Mario called back.

"Hey, I don't want to see anyone die, if I can save them," Link said. "I'd have done it even if it was Bowser."

"That's... pretty deep."

"Yeah, well, we'll have to work something out. Look, you go on ahead. We have to hurry if we want Peach back alive. While you're gone, I'll try and move some of these rocks, so you can get back."

"Right," Mario said. "Get that hole for us."

"And... Mario?" Link called out one last time. "Do me a favor, okay? Come back. Just come back."

Mario nodded, remembered that Link couldn't see him, called out, "You got it!" then turned back to the tunnel. It stretched out in front of him, continuing on into the darkness.

It was another four minutes before Mario met any sort of resistance. There was a simple wall in his way, with the only feature of note being the large, monstrous koopa carved into it. Mario stared at it, hoping that he could get it right, with no Link around to tell him if he was actually speaking the koopas' language. He spoke. "Open sesame." And with one final cliche, the door split, and opened up for him, revealing a vast room behind it. Eyes straight ahead, Mario braced himself and stepped in.

XXXX

Please R&R, constructive criticism welcome, flames not so much, Gamer4 out.


	17. In the Name of the Heir

Gamer4 in. A quick bit of news before we move on to this chapter of chapters: browsing through deviantart, I have found a couple of covers, both for Hylian Stone and for this story. I'll give credit for them both right here: the one for Hylian Stone is 'Mario Quidditch' by TigerHawkmon, and the one for Dungeon of Secrets is Mario and the Chamber of Secrets by AoK-ceLEStial. Thank you, both of said artists. Anyways, diving in.

Disclaimer: A plague of a Giga Koopa upon those who make me write these...

Chapter XVII

In the Name of the Heir

Mario took a cautious look around as he stepped into the Dungeon. It certainly lived up to its name. It was a long, tall room with very little light: the little light there was came from columns along the walls, which were in the shape of strange, multi-segmented cacti. The entire floor was wet, and a wide walkway down the center seemed to be the division between two vast pools. Mario couldn't see the other sides, but he couldn't tell if it was because they were far away, or if it was just because everything was so _dark. _

The only place that seemed well lit was a wall at the very end of the Dungeon, which seemed like it was thrown in a spotlight. Mario shuddered as he stepped closer: sticking out of the wall was a monstrous 3-D effigy of the Giga Koopa, carved directly into the stone. Its eyes closed, it stood only a few feet shorter than the room itself. Strangely, it gave Mario a sense of familiarity. Casting his mind around, he suddenly understood why- the Giga Koopa looked something like Bowser- but wrong. Horribly, terrifyingly wrong. It had his claws, and horns, but they were both stretched out much longer than Mario had ever seen them, at least a few feet each. Each of the teeth in its snarling mouth were almost as long as he himself was. He almost felt himself turning to stone just from seeing the statue, paralyzed in fear- until he saw a limp, pink-dress-wearing girl laying across the floor in front of it, as though left for an offering. "Peach," he muttered under his breath, before beginning to virtually sprint across the Dungeon.

He dropped down next to her, not even noticing as his hat came flying off, looking all over her. "Peach," he muttered. "Peach! Can you hear me? Peach? PEEEEAAAACH!"

"Oh, don't be so dramatic," said a sudden new voice. "She's not dead, you know."

Mario spun around, looking for the source of the voice, until his eyes fell on a figure in the shadows. "She's still alive, but she's just hanging in there..."

"Wh- who are you?" Mario asked, forcing himself into a standing position.

The figure stepped forward into the light. Mario stared. He recognized the boy, but it couldn't be...

Black hair. Black moustache. White shirt and blue overalls. Large, square glasses. "G-George? George Locke?"

"Yeah, that's me."

"What do you mean, she's just hanging in there?"

"What I said. She isn't dead- yet. She will be soon, though. She's fading fast."

Mario continued staring. He knew George Locke had died so many years ago, but here he was, apparently in the flesh. "You're really solid for a ghost..."

"A spirit, perhaps," George said, "but I think we can agree that I'm no ghost. No, I'm a memory. For fifty years, I was preserved in the planner of my old friend, Benjamin Nelson. I- came into possession of it after he died, you see."

"How can that be? You died first, you drowned in the locker room- you're supposed to be the Poe!"

"The Poe?" George laughed. "No, no, Ben's the Poe. That was our nickname for him at school- lucky, too, or I wouldn't even know who you were talking about. He was drowned in one of the girls' locker rooms shortly after outing the Crazy Hand as the Heir of Proton Jon. I asked him not to, really, I did. I told him nothing but trouble would follow him if he pursued the Dungeon of Secrets. I got down on my knees and wept. But he wouldn't listen, he was determined to get to the bottom of the mystery, and look where it got him- a nice locker in the girl's locker room. I hear he's hidden his face ever since..."

Mario looked back down at Peach, and saw, with a jump of his heart, that her hands were clasped around the old planner. Looking back up, he said, "Well, he's just upstairs. You can meet him again. Just help me get Peach out of here."

"Going so soon?" George asked, tilting his head slightly to the side. "After all the trouble you went to to get here?"

"Of course!" Mario said, exasperated. "George, I don't know how to tell you this, but we're in the _Dungeon of Secrets! _You know, that place that Ben died trying to find?"

"I'm well aware of that."

"And there's a Giga Koopa somewhere around here, it could come at any minute!"

"Not quite," George interjected. "You never wondered how the creature lived so long? This particular Giga Koopa is dead most of the time. It only awakens when called by the Heir of Proton Jon, and until then, it remains dormant."

Mario stared. "How did you work that out?"

"Years of hard work and determination," George said simply.

Mario was growing increasingly frustrated at George's seeming inability to grasp the seriousness of the situation. Finally, he said, "Well, as long as we're sitting around here, waiting for the Giga Koopa to come, want to tell me how Peach ended up like this?"

"An interesting question," George said, bending down and examining something on the ground. "And a very long story that could probably spawn a fanfiction of its own. But in short, I suppose that the real reason is that she got too close to a certain planner, and the man behind the pages that she'd never even met." He straightened up, lifting a certain item off the ground. Mario's heart leapt again: it was his hat. "You don't mind if I borrow this, do you? You won't be needing it, after all."

Mario was growing increasingly suspicious. "Explain about Peach."

George shrugged. "As you wish," he said. "Perhaps Peach was feeling lonely, going to a new school that all her brothers and sister had attended before her. And when a young girl feels lonely and cut off, that's the perfect time for others to... influence them. Imagine young Peach's delight as she discovered that all she had to do was write her worries and woes in a useless little planner, and it would write back to her! She didn't even know my real name, but I had enchanted her from the very beginning. I was very fond of chess when I was alive, you know. One of my favorite games. Two intellects, locked in combat. No pun intended. It was very boring, responding to all her worries, but I knew it would pay off in the long run, giving me a very advantageous piece. And once she was close enough to me, I could start... requesting things of her. And you've probably guessed where that led."

"No!" Mario shouted.

"Yes," George grinned. "'_Dear Peach, would you kindly investigate the locker rooms for me?' 'Dear Peach, would you kindly distance yourself from the story, make yourself scarce?' 'Dear Peach, would you kindly kill off the Crazy Hand's chickens and cucoos?' 'Dear Peach, would you kindly right a few messages on the walls of the Smash Mansion?' _And, my personal favorite, the piece-de resistance, '_Dear Peach, would you kindly open the Dungeon of Secrets?'"_

"And she did all that, just because you asked her to?" Mario growled, glaring at the form before him. As George answered, however, he slightly lost focus, seeing another form behind George, a tall form hiding in a bedsheet...

"Well, as I said, I had her enchanted. That wasn't a metaphor. Not that she exactly knew what she was doing. As she wrote to me, she sounded more and more frantic, begging me to do anything I could, to tell her _why _these things were happening. And here came the risky part- I needed to separate myself from young Peach, sacrificing my pawn for what I hoped would be a queen. I wanted _you. _And so, I started giving her different instructions, ones that didn't relate to the beloved Dungeon. '_Dear Peach, would you kindly move your things around a bit?_' _'Dear Peach, after you've finished the job tonight, would you kindly wake up in the Lost Woods?' Dear Peach, would you kindly leave a few flecks of blood on yourself from the cucoos this time around?' 'Dear Peach, would you kindly scribble a few... disturbing pictures for yourself to find in your books?_' Very entertaining, probably the highlight of my year, watching young Peach's sanity slip.

"And then, at last, she did the thing I'd been so hoping she would do: she tried to get rid of the planner. She slammed it repeatedly in the locker of the Poe, before leaving it in that same locker. She'd never been there consciously, she didn't realize it was inhabited. Very lucky for me, though, because the Poe attracted you to the site, and you were the one who next wrote to me. So I told you the whole story from fifty years ago, albeit the slightly revised version where I died, rather than Ben, to gain your trust. What better way than to show you the famous capture of the Crazy Hand?"

"He's my friend!" Mario shouted. "You framed him, huh? _And _killed Ben? Your friend?"

"As much as a pawn can be a player's friend, I suppose," George shrugged. "He had become a thorn in my side. His discovery of an Heir of Proton Jon, even if it was the wrong person, thanks to false trails planted by yours truly, assured that I could never open the Dungeon again while I was still at school. The Master Hand was a student, too, at the time, and he was the only one I wasn't really able to fully convince of my innocence. I could never win him over, the way I won over others. Thanks to Ben, a wrench was thrown into my plans. He had to be... dealt with."

Mario glared at George in disgust, but made sure to keep his eye on the figure over Ben's shoulder, too. "Yeah, I'll bet the Master Hand saw straight through you. There's just one thing that bugs me- you say you wanted to talk to me. Why? Why am I so special to you?"

"You fascinate me," George said. "For example, how is it that you, a young boy with no powers of note, were able to defeat Tabuu at the height of his power? How did you escape with just a red M on your forehead, while Tabuu was destroyed?"

"What does it matter to you? Tabuu didn't come along until long after you-"

"Not so," George said, smiling slightly. "Tabuu is everything to me, Mario Mario. I am his in mind, body, and soul, and he is mine. Look upon me, bastard who lived! I am Tabuu, the Heir of Proton Jon!"

Mario stared. "You?!"

George smiled. "Me. It was my nickname in school, and it was definitely better than the name of the muggle who dared to call himself my father. George Locke Jr. How does that sound for a great leader? No, I needed a new name, one that would inspire fear and respect in later generations as I became the greatest smasher of all time!"

"Like crud you are!" Mario yelled. "The Master Hand is the greatest smasher in the world!"

"So great is he that he has been defeated by simply my memory!" George retorted.

"He's not gone!" Mario shouted back. "He has all sorts of people here who are still loyal to him! And he earned their respect, he didn't punish it out of them! Look at him, people asking him to become president of smashing every other day, the actual president asking for advice, nationally recognized final boss- and guess where all your power gets you? Alone, friendless, helpless, ugly, disgusting, repulsive-"

He'd finally gone too far. With a sudden shout of anger, George Locke raised his hand, and a whip of light appeared there. And then, two things happened at once: as he was bringing the whip down towards his enemy, the figure behind him struck, there was a flash of grey and Adam suddenly appeared in front of Mario. The whip passed through the spirit, but disappeared before it could touch Mario.

"What the-" George stared at what had happened. "Who are you?"

"Just a helper," Adam said, arms extended to shield Mario. "And someone who doesn't want Proton Jon's name disgraced anymore. And, just to round it off, someone who brought a friend."

As if on cue, a beautiful song began flowing through the Dungeon. Mario and George both whirled to see the source: a large, brilliant bird of red, with fire spreading across its wings. "Wright!" Mario gasped. Wright the Phoenix-like Ho-oh couldn't have looked more different from the decrepit-looking bird he'd seen die a few chapters ago. He was brilliant, a light piercing through the darkness, and a beacon of hope for him.

George looked around. "All ganging up on me, now, huh?" he asked. "Well, that's fine, because I've got some backup of my own." And, abruptly, he turned and brandished his hand at the statue of the Giga Koopa, and Mario, Adam, and Wright alike leapt away from it in horror as slowly, it began to move, stepping forward, and bringing itself to life. As it raised its claws to rub sleep out of its eyes, Adam referred to Mario.

"Well, this is bad," he said. "Sorry, but I'm going to have to ask you to take care of the Koopa there."

"What about you?"

"Spirits can fight spirits. I'll be dealing with Locke."

"You want to draw straws or something?"

"No choice. Just run!"

They both moved at the same time: Adam turned to face George, and Mario turned from the Giga Koopa and _ran. _His feet hit the walkway, causing splashes as he moved through the water. Even as he ran, he could hear the Giga Koopa waking up behind him, and, with a mighty roar, giving chase. He didn't dare turn back, for fear of being paralyzed, either in fear or literally-

And then, disaster struck. The foot he placed on the concrete began to slide- he lost his footing- and then, spectacularly, he slipped and fell on his back, clenching his eyes shut, listening only to the Giga Koopa's approaching footsteps.

He was sure that it was the end, that he was about to die, but then, something just as shocking happened: the Giga Koopa's stomping stopped. It roared again, but it seemed like the roar was directed at something else. Mario, hardly believing his own daring, turned to look.

The Giga Koopa, so many feet tall, with a blue shell with foot-long spikes protruding from the back, electricity crackling around it, was currently roaring agitatedly, batting relentlessly at Wright, joyfully circling around its head. Mario was reminded absurdly of a cat chasing after a fly. And, abruptly, Wright swooped down and struck. There was a splatter of blood, and the Giga Koopa roared even louder than before, staggering backwards, clearly in pain. Mario tensed, ready to close his eyes, should the monstrosity turn towards him, but it proved to be unnecessary: as the Koopa flailed around, Mario saw that the blood was coming from its eyes: it had been blinded, its power of petrification robbed.

Mario stood, rooted to the spot, not wanting to alert the creature through sound as to where he was, but painfully aware that if it didn't hear him, it would probably smell him or something...

Meanwhile, on the far end of the Dungeon, Adam and George were openly dueling. Mario was too far away to see exactly what they were doing, but he recognized it when, suddenly, two blades spread out from George's arms. They enclosed around Adam, who was caught, pincer-like, between them. With this, George, triumphant, tossed Adam across the long chamber with an amount of force Mario wouldn't have thought possible. Noiselessly, the spirit came to lie at Mario's feet, his bedsheet left behind with George. Mario, startled, found himself bending over the spirit, and looking for the first time on Adam's true face.

He was young- couldn't be more than college-age, if he were in the muggle world. he had a mop of red hair falling around a bespectacled face. He was dressed entirely in blue, and was currently looking up at Mario, looking directly at him. Mario found himself wondering if he'd been fatally wounded, and, even more urgently, if it was even possible for a ghost to be fatally wounded. "Sorry about this, Mario," he whispered, leaning up slightly. "I've got one last thing for you- one last thing-"

As Mario drew back, he saw, to his astonishment, a gleaming sword appear inside of Adam's body. It was large, bright red, and had a large hole between the hilt and the blade. Mario wasn't entirely sure what use it would be, but it was a weapon, and without a second thought, he plunged his arm into Adam's spirit. As usual, his arm felt like it was going through ice-cold water, but he didn't let that deter him. He wrapped his hand around the blade, and lifted it triumphantly from the ground. As he did so, several lines around the sword began to glow, and it expanded, forming something that looked like the beam from a lightsaber, but much, much larger. Suddenly feeling much braver, he turned to face the Giga Koopa.

Abruptly, everything was obscured, as if he was viewing the world through a fog. The Giga Koopa, seeming to sniff him out at last, turned to face Mario. Drawing a bead on him through scent, it lurched forward, picking the young man up in its teeth, biting down on him, breaking him apart-

And then the fog cleared. Mario stood there, confused, but completely unharmed, and the Giga Koopa hadn't even sensed him yet. And Mario understood- somehow, this sword allowed him to glimpse the future. He tensed, awaiting the attack. The Giga Koopa lurched forward, and Mario, expecting it, stepped back, and as the Giga Koopa crashed to the ground, he stepped forward, plunging the blade into the beast's mouth, driving it all the way through and out the other side of its skull.

However, though he had averted the worse future, he hadn't saved himself entirely: as the blade headed further through the Giga Koopa, he felt a pain in his arm, and, looking, he saw that one of the Giga Koopa's fangs had lodged itself in his arm. He leapt back, and the fang came out of the Koopa's skull with him, still embedded in his arm. For a moment, he stared at what he'd done: the Giga Koopa flailed around, bleeding out from its wounds, with the blade removed. For a while, it writhed around, seemingly trying to cling to life. And then, suddenly, it simply collapsed, dead. Looking up, Mario could see George Locke staring on, a look of horror crossing his handsome face.

Desperate, Mario lurched towards George and Peach, not even paying attention to Adam anymore. However, as he drew closer, the venom of the Giga Koopa began to spread through him. George, getting over his horror, allowed himself a smile. "So this is the end after all," he said. "Not a fitting one, but I'll get over it. I'd planned to add your statue to my collection. But I guess a corpse will do just as well. Game over, Mario Mario. Game over."

Mario collapsed next to Peach. Maybe she'd join him in the afterlife, whatever that would look like. For a moment, he wondered if he should appear as a ghost and make sure he had Link's permission before he dated her, but that thought left his mind quickly, replaced with the single realization that he was at Death's door.

There was a flapping sound, and Mario weakly turned to see Wright fluttering down next to him. George spoke once more, sounding amused. "Ah, one of the Master Hand's pets wants to see his other pet off. Even it knows everything's over."

Mario looked up. "You– you were pretty good, Wright," he said. "And you know what? So was I. I guess I just wasn't good enough."

Wright tilted his head as he stared down at the young pyromancer, tears rolling down its fiery beak. Mario would have wondered how the tears and fire didn't hurt each other at all, but he didn't have the time- he was fading out, Death was coming for him...

Or was he? Or she? Or whatever. Mario didn't know what death was like, but this didn't seem to be it. As he blinked, the Dungeon of Secrets came into sharper relief. Remembering the Poe's story of what it was like to die, he glanced around, wondering if he'd see his own dead body, but the only other body on the ground was Peach's. There was a crack, and Mario jumped to see George, a look of fury on his face, wielding a whip once more. It was trailing across the ground, and it seemed like it had just been used to scare Wright off. Staring, Mario looked down at where the fang had pierced him, to see no wound whatsoever. Just perfect skin.

"Freaking Ho-ohs," George muttered fiercely, glaring at the bird. "Forgot they could heal. Maybe its just as well, I suppose. I get to kill you myself now. So, let's get to it, shall-" he was distracted as he saw Mario crawling across the floor. "Holy Sakurai, Mario, are you actually still trying to win?"

Mario ignored him, grabbing the planner off of Peach's body and dragging it over to himself. George laughed. "You have an overdeveloped sense of revenge, you know. It's going to get you in trouble one day."

Mario glared, and silently reached for the Giga Koopa fang behind him. "That's how you want to play it, huh? Okay, I'll play too. Hello. My name is Mario Mario. You killed my father. Prepare to die." And with that, without a further word, he brought the fang down on Ben Nelson's planner. For the briefest moment as he realized what was going on, George allowed a look of horror to cross his face- it seemed like he was going to stop him, but before he could touch Mario, the fang made its mark, going through each and every page of the little notebook. George reeled back, holes appearing in him. Mario looked from the planner to George and back again, staring at each. The planner had all the ink it had ever absorbed pouring out of it, along with a little of the Giga Koopa's venom. The holes in George were expanding, pouring light out of them. The light spread, coming from his face, and fingers, and a gaping wound in his chest-

And then, with a final flash of light, the Heir of Proton Jon had disappeared. Mario looked down at the now-entirely-ruined planner. Not at all gently, he tossed it to the side, a gaping, burning hole right through the center.

"Nice job, Mario, nice job..."

Mario turned and saw Adam, still without his bedsheet, approaching. "I owe you a thank you," Adam said. "You finally put an end to my mistakes..."

"_Your _mistakes?" Mario asked, staring at him.

"You haven't guessed yet?" Adam asked, looking at him. "Alright, I'll spell it out for you- I'm Proton Jon."

"_You're-'_ Mario started, but he was cut off as, with a groan, Peach began to stir. Both he and Adam- I mean Proton- I mean, whatever- turned to look at her. Looking around, her eyes fell, first on Jon, then on Mario.

"Mario!" she cried, turning white as a sheet. "I- I tried to tell you earlier, but Rob interrupted- I'm the one who was opening the Dungeon, and I was trying to steal the planner back- sorry about your dorm, but what if he'd told you- and I-"

"Calm down," Mario said, trying to sound reassuring. "They're gone. Finished. George and the Giga Koopa."

Peach looked around, and tears filled her eyes. "I'm sorry, Jon," she said. "I opened the Dungeon up again..."

"She knew?" Mario asked, staring at the ghost he'd previously known as Adam.

"I told her yesterday," Jon explained. "Came out and told her everything. I told you the story of the Dungeon of Secrets, and it was all true- I didn't trust muggle-borns to come to this school without trying to sell smashers out. I ignored Chuggaa, Josh, and NCS, and built this Dungeon when they didn't want to ban muggle-borns. And after I died, I decided to stay behind as a ghost, to make sure everything went according to plan...

"But they didn't. As I watched, I saw muggle-born after muggle-born learn here without selling us out, and I realized how big of a mistake I'd made. I covered myself up with a sheet out of shame. I didn't know if an Heir of mine would come back and open up the Dungeon, but if they did, anyone that died because of it- their blood would be on my hands.

"This year, I spent all my spare time trying to make sure everyone knew exactly what I'd done, and knew that they'd have to protect themselves. I tried to help you behind the scenes, encourage you to solve the mystery, put the pieces together..."

"Why couldn't you have just told us everything from the beginning, then?" Mario pointed out.

"Well, maybe I was scared of revealing myself," Jon admitted. "Or, more likely, that would have made this a very short story. For now, let's just say that I was scared of facing my sins, and call it good, okay?"

Mario glared up at the author, but made no other move to disagree. "And you told Peach?"

"We were two of a kind, her and me. We were both tied to the Dungeon, and we were both ashamed of our ties to it. We were finally going to come out with everything that day, before that d*** robot burst in and ruined everything. But now, the Giga Koopa's dead. Now, I can finally rest."

"You're going?" Peach cried, jumping up. "No! Why do you-"

"I'm not supposed to be here anymore," Jon said. "I can finally go and see the other three again..."

As he spoke, a beam of light appeared above, and Jon began to float upwards. Halfway up, however, the light suddenly flickered out, and Jon returned to the ground level. "Actually," he said, "forget that. I think I'll stay here a little longer. Watch over the mansion. It's got really nice wallpaper."

"You're staying behind... for the wallpaper," Mario deadpanned.

"Call it what you want," Jon shrugged. "But this time, I think I'll go without my sheet."

"Do what you want," Mario said. "Just tell me two more things."

"Go ahead."

"How did you know we were down here?"

"Oh, I asked the Poe to keep a lookout for me. Wasn't difficult, after I told him it was part of an anti-Patriots campaign. That's where he had to go last chapter."

"Oh. And the other thing- why Adam?"

"What, you don't get it?" Jon asked, raising his eyebrows. "Proton- atom- Adam!"

"Kind of a leap..." Mario muttered.

"Meh, Chugga was big on really bad puns. Must have rubbed off on me a bit. Well, how about I go up and tell the Poe what's happened? Promised I would."

"Yeah, whatever," Mario said. "I just want to get out of this place as soon as I can."

"Awesome. Meet you there." And with that, Jon flew up towards the ceiling.

Mario quietly stepped over and picked up the fallen planner and sword, then turned to Peach. For a moment, they were silent, then Peach broke out into sobs. "They're going to expel me, aren't they?" she cried. "Ten years, and now I have to go back, and- what will Mom and Dad say?!"

"They won't say anything," Mario promised. "Let's get going. Link's waiting back there..."

Still sobbing, Peach allowed herself to be guided across the stone walkway, around the Giga Koopa's dead body, and back through the narrow tunnel that had led Mario there. Up ahead, he could see a rockslide still obscuring Link from sight. The hole, however, was significantly larger- he and Peach would fit through. "Link!" he called out. "Everything's fine! The Koopa's dead, and Peach is still alive!"

"Great! Awesome! Outstanding! Amazing!" Link cheered.

"Relax, all I did was press A!" Mario called back. "I'm sending her through first!"

He hoisted a still-in-tears Peach onto his shoulder and helped her up to the hole, where Link's arms reached through and pulled her to the other side. Mario climbed up after them.

On the other side, he could see Link, covered in dust but looking extremely happy. "Great!" he said. "Let's get the heck out of here. You can explain everything later," he added, staring pointedly at the red sword Mario was carrying, "but save it for later. For now, I just want out of here."

"Where's Tingle?" Mario asked as they headed back up the passage.

"Leaning against a wall, humming to himself," Link muttered. "Looks like his little memory-erasure backfired, hit him instead of us. Hasn't even said anything."

There was a flapping sound, and they both looked up to see Wright soaring over them. "What's that?" Link asked blankly.

"Wright the phoenix- I mean, Ho-oh," Mario corrected himself. "The Master Hand's bird."

"Nice bird," Link nodded. "Well, we're just about back."

Sure enough, Tingle was simply laying against the wall behind him, humming tunelessly to himself. He glanced up at them, but didn't say anything. Link turned to look at the slide. "Doesn't look like we'll be able to climb back up," he muttered.

Wright fluttered down in the middle, and offered them a talon.

"What, do you want us to hang on?" Mario asked.

"That's ridiculous!" Link said. "I mean, that bird couldn't carry one of us, let alone all four!"

"That would be true," Mario said, "if he wasn't a Ho-oh. I think he can do it. I'll take the talon, then Peach, you take my leg. Link, you take hers and carry the moron behind you."

"Do I have to?"

"I just killed the Giga Koopa, so, yes."

"Fine," Link muttered, stomping dramatically to the back of the group and grabbing Tingle's hand. Tingle rose without a single word. Once they were all holding hands, Mario reached out and grasped Wright's claw. Suddenly, he felt light as a feather, and from exclamations of awe behind him, he gathered that the feeling had spread to Peach, Link, and possibly Tingle. And then, Mario used flight.

XXXX

It was a great ride, infinitely better than the one downwards. So enjoyable was it, in fact, that Mario was actually disappointed when it ended, and they arrived back in the Poe's locker room. Wright gently deposited them on the ground, and took off to perch on the Poe's locker. Looking around, Mario could see Jon and the Poe having a talk over in the corner. They turned to look at the living people as they arrived. "So, you actually did it!" the Poe cheered. "You're pretty good, you know. With their Giga Koopa destroyed, the Patriots will be set back quite a ways! Of course, the war isn't over yet! The next goal will be to-"

"Yeah, yeah, yeah, thank you very much, shut up," Link said.

"What I want to know," Mario said, straightening up and brushing a bit of dust off himself, "is why you never told us that planner was actually yours!"

"His?" Link asked, looking confused.

"I'll explain later," Mario said quickly.

"Well, you never asked!" the Poe said, sounding affronted. "What, I have to live up to your _fascist _-"

"Oh, shut up, this jokes dead as a doornail," Link sighed. "I think we should go to Samus, Mario. Tell her what's happened."

"Agreed," Mario said. "She'll be in the Master Hand's old office, come on. Coming, Jon? Poe?"

"Yeah, I'll come," Jon said, floating forward. "You'll need someone to corroborate the story, and I'm tired of hiding anyways. Poe?"

"Well, it sounds like it'll be a party," the Poe said, "but I'll pass. I'm done for this year. Back to planning the downfall of the -"

"Patriots, yeah, we know," Mario, Link, and Jon all said in unison. And then, five people trooped out: Mario and Jon at the head, Peach right behind them, still trembling with sobs, and Link bringing up the rear, dragging Tingle along.

Mario led them all to the mural of the platform floating in space. The voice spoke: "What's the greatest snack in the world?"

"Red vines," Mario said, and the walls split apart to reveal the staircase behind them. Silently, the strange entourage ascended the steps up to the Master Hand's old office. Silently, Mario reached out and knocked three times.

_XXXX_

Well, I'm glad I finally got this chapter out. I had all this figured out a while back, and it's taken _way _too long to get to this point. I'm sure some of you have some questions about this chapter, so, as of now, and for as long as I'm still writing Mario Mario stories, I am now implementing the Q&A system! Just ask a question in the reviews, and I'll answer it in the author's notes, as long as the answer isn't too spoiler-y for what I have planned. I'd imagine most of these questions will be about where I got certain things from, so I'll start off with one that I'd imagine is on a lot of people's minds: the Mi-Go is a mystical alien race from the works of H.P. Lovecraft, incidentally the same writer who provided the inspiration for Crazy's 'special crop,' assuming any of you remember _that. _Yeah, he's not a video game creator, but this is the most 'horror-themed' of the Harry Potter books, so I wanted to implement several horror elements, hence the references to numerous creepypastas, horror novels, Edgar Allen Poe, and, of course, Lovecraft.

So, it comes down to it. Only one chapter left. Finally, after two years. I swear that Prisoner of Subspace won't take that long, though it might take a while in coming as a trade-off. But we still have one chapter left of this story before the end, so please R&R, constructive criticism, as well as any questions, are appreciated, flames will now be delegated to the serious room, Gamer4 out.


	18. Yoshi! So Happy!

Gamer4 in. As we approach the final leg of this story, I have only one thing to say: dang. I've been watching the original Harry Potter movies lately, and it's _insane _how much writing these stories are changing my perceptions of the source material. Of course, I still love it. Anyways, on that note of me actually having something to say in the opening notes, let us begin the end.

Disclaimer: The only thing I regret about doing Prisoner of Subspace is that I'll have to type these for _another _story. _Noooooooooooooooooooo-_

Chapter XVIII

Yoshi! So Happy!

For a moment, all was silent. When the door finally opened, it was to reveal Mrs. Faron on the other side. "Peach!" she cried, pulling the still-somewhat-depressed girl into a crushing hug. Not wanting to intrude, Mario, Link, and Jon stepped around them into the main office, dragging Tingle along.

Mario looked around, taking note of the small crowd inside. In addition to the five who had just entered, Mrs. Faron, and Wright, Mr. Faron was standing in one corner, looking like he was about to vomit, and sitting in a chair off to the side was Samus, who looked somewhat green herself. However, Mario had eyes only for the being behind the desk: a giant floating hand inside a white glove. He would have said something, but at that moment, Mrs. Faron abandoned Peach and pulled both him and Link into a bear hug.

"Thank you, thank you, thank you!" she cried. "You saved her! How did you do it?"

"I wouldn't mind knowing that myself," Mr. Faron put in, wiping his brow.

For a moment, Mario stood still, looking around the room. Finally, he produced the red sword that had saved him, along with the ruined planner. He placed them gently on the Master Hand's desk, and began to tell them the whole story. Start to finish. _Birthdays with the Smiths _to _In the Name of the Heir. _How he'd heard the voice, found the Poe, discovered the revealing paper clenched in Zelda's fist, and the deductions he and Link had gotten from it. Throughout, Link assisted with various details, filling in wherever Mario left something out by accident. He helped up to the point where they were separated by the rockfall, where he allowed Jon to step in and help Mario describe the events in the Dungeon itself. Finally, their story concluded with the death of the Giga Koopa.

"An interesting story," Samus said, leaning forward, "not least because we apparently have Proton Jon's ghost among us. I would push that point, but something else is on my mind right now: did you find out who was doing it? Did you find the Heir?"

And here came the key problem. Throughout the tale, Mario and Jon had, by silent agreement, referred to the perpetrator of the crimes only as 'The Heir.' After all, how could they explain that Peach hadn't been acting on her own free will?

Everyone spun around as the Master Hand cleared his throat. Quite a feat, considering his lack of a throat. "The question, my dear Samus, is not who, but how. As in, 'How did Tabuu control Peach from his hiding place in the Black Forest?'"

A sudden warmth spread through Mario, like he'd just taken a drink from some of Crazy's soda. With the Master Hand on his side, he knew- simply knew- that everything was going to be alright.

"What?" spoke all the Farons in the room, sans Peach. They were all staring in horror at the Master Hand. "You-Know-Who? When did he- what- how- what does he have to do with Peach?"

"The planner," Mario said, eager to allow the truth out now that he had the Master Hand with him. "Tabuu stole it from the Poe when they were both in school..."

The Master Hand leaned in very close to the planner, and though it was hard to tell, all things considered, Mario was fairly certain he was examining it closer. "Ah, I see," he said. "Indeed, I see. A very obscure bit of smashing. Didn't expect to see something like this for at least four years!"

"Feel like explaining?" Samus interjected.

The Master Hand smiled. "Long ago, when Tabuu was still a student at this school, he was known by his true name: George Locke. I think, even then, he was planning the evil for which he would later be famed. But at the time, everyone else saw him as just a timid little boy who always got straight As. When he headed out into the world, he undertook a long, dangerous journey that left him so altered, physically and mentally, that he was unrecognizable as young George Locke when he finally returned."

"But what does this have to do with Peach?" Mrs. Faron repeated.

"The planner!" Peach wailed. "I wrote in it, and he wrote back! We were talking all year!"

"Peach!" Mr. Faron cried. "Haven't I said enough that a stranger is _not _a friend you haven't met yet? You never trust something like that unless you can make absolutely sure! You should have told your mother or me, at least!"

"At ease, Rusl," the Master Hand said calmly. "She never meant any harm, and many a smasher greater than she has been taken in by George Locke. What you do is, of course, at your discretion, but schoolwise, there will be no punishment." Turning to Peach, he added, "Relax, child. The ordeal is over. The boku baba seeds have been harvested. Everyone will be waking up soon. All I ask of you is that you go down to Nurse Tessie and ask for her considerable medical expertise. And maybe get some hot chocolate."

"We'll go with her," said Mr. and Mrs. Faron, standing immediately. And with that, the three of them headed out.

"Now, Samus?" the Master Hand said, turning to her. "I think all of this calls for a feast. What about you?"

"No objections here," Samus shrugged. "Now, what about Jon?"

Everyone turned to the spirit, who waved sarcastically at them.

"Well, we could hold a trial," the Master Hand mused.

"No need, I plead guilty," Jon said immediately.

"Well, that makes things simple- community service," the Master Hand finally decided. "Taking care of the Mansion, stuff like that. You can start by helping prepare the feast. No rotten eclairs, if you please. And, Samus, if you don't mind, take him aside, give him a stern talking-to, and wag your finger at him in an annoyed manner. That ought to show him."

Both Samus and Jon stared at the Master of the Smash Mansion for a moment, saying nothing. Finally, they simply shook their heads and left, leaving Mario and Link behind with the Master Hand.

"Now," he said, "I assume you both realize how many school rules you've broken over the course of this year."

"Yes," they both nodded heavily.

"Given all the evidence," the Master Hand continued, "many would say I should expel you immediately."

Mario and Link looked in horror at each other. After all they'd come through, were they really going to have to leave?

"Therefore," the Master Hand added, "both of you- and Zelda Hyrule, as well- will receive trophies in the Smash Bros. Hall of Fame, and 300 points each for Nintendo. I think that should- ah... 'cut it,' don't you?"

The horror in both boys' faces turned to awe. "Um... I think we have to agree on principle," Mario said, a small smile crossing his face.

"If you must, hm?" the Master Hand said, sounding amused. "I do have one question, however."

"And what's that, sir?" Link asked.

"Is there something wrong with Tingle? He hasn't said a word!"

"Oh, there was... an accident," Link said, keeping his eyes on the ground and scratching the back of his head. And so it came to be that the Master Hand was filled in on Tingle's antics throughout the year.

"I see," the Master Hand said. "Well, he's hardly a threat now. Mr. Faron, I have two requests: first, take Tingle down to Nurse Tessie, and ask her to get him ready for the real hospital. Second, take this letter-" he produced the letter as he spoke- "to the aviary, and send it to Olimar Tate. You would know him as the President of Smashing."

"Yeah, I know," Link nodded, accepting the letter.

"Of course," the Master Hand said. "Now that all is said and done, I really would like to see my brother again."

"Right away," Link nodded, hurrying out.

"Now," the Master Hand said, turning to Mario, "Mario."

"Yes?" Mario responded, somewhat nervously.

"First of all, I want to thank you," the old hand said. "Wright had no particular connection to Jon, you see. Wright would only have come to your aid at a show of great devotion to me. And for that, I thank you."

"Um... don't mention it," Mario muttered.

"So... I hope you and Mr. Locke had an edifying conversation?"

"You could say that," Mario said, still muttering.

"Mario, don't even try to tell me there's nothing you want to say this time," the Master Hand said gently.

Suddenly, Mario felt like an invisible lock had broken, like he was free to spill his worries to the Master Hand. "I... I couldn't help but notice...parallels- similarities- between George and me."

"Oh, really?" the Master Hand asked.

"Yeah, and I've been thinking- the FLUDD was originally going to put me in Sierra. We're both Mi-go-"

"-An important parallel to draw, indeed," the Master Hand interrupted. "I believe, Mario, that your ability to speak to koopas stems from Tabuu's own gift. I believe that on the night he tried to kill you, he left more behind than he knew- a small piece of himself, including his ability to speak to koopas."

"Tabuu- left part of himself- in me?" Mario asked, incredulous.

"Unintentionally, I think we can be certain," the Master Hand nodded. "The full significance may not be felt for... oh, five years, this time."

Mario would have asked exactly what this meant, but he had something more pressing on his mind. "So- I should be in Sierra? I mean, the FLUDD was considering it for so long, and-"

"-it put you in Nintendo," the Master Hand interjected once more. "Now, why would it do that?"

"Because I asked it to..." Mario said, sinking helplessly into his chair.

"Exactly!" the Master Hand cried cheerfully, startling Mario. "You chose Nintendo, which makes you very different from Tabuu! Don't you see? Your ability to speak to koopas isn't nearly as important as what you decide to do with it! Tabuu used it to send his school into not one, but _two _years of terror, while you used it to end that terror and save everyone!"

"I guess..."

The Master Hand picked up the red sword. "It wasn't Proton Jon who used this sword, Mario. Many years ago, this sword- the Monado- was discovered in a temple in the mountains. Care to guess who wielded it then?"

Here, he handed the blade over to Mario, who, for the first time, saw words written on a pane of glass in the great hole in the hilt: _Hey, everybody, it's Chuggaaconroy!_

"Wh-" he exclaimed, looking up.

"Jon was able to pass it on," the Master Hand said, "but only a true member of Nintendo could have used it."

For a moment, they were both silent, then Mario spoke. "There was one other thing..."

"Yes?"

"In the flashback George showed me, he mentioned a boy named Matthew. Whatever happened to him?"

"Oh," the Master Hand said, and for the first time, he sounded somewhat embarrassed. "Well, Mario, that was my name in school."

"_Your _name?"

"Of course. You didn't think I was always called 'Master Hand,' did you?"

As Mario racked his brains for a reply, the door slammed open. Mario spun around to see a very disheveled- looking Ghirahim charging in, with a small, cringing shape behind him. _Yoshi?_

"So!" Ghirahim raged, glaring at the Master Hand.

"Something you want to talk about, Ghirahim?" the Master Hand calmly asked.

"Thought you'd just come back, did you?" Ghirahim snarled. "A unanimous vote of the school board gets you fired, but, of course, the Master Hand is above such rules!"

"I would never make any such claim," said the Master Hand, perfectly calm. "I was just enjoying a nice cup of Dr. Pepper shen the sky was suddenly turned black by a hoard of albatrosses. They turned out to be carrying messages from the school board, describing exactly what had happened, and imploring me to return at once. They also had some strange stories to tell, of a mysterious blackmailer with white hair who'd forced them to vote me out to begin with. Apparently, their priorities had shifted- funny how that can happen, in just 4 chapters, isn't it?"

Mario was ignoring them, focusing on Yoshi. The young green dino/dragon/whatever was pointedly flicking his eyes between Mario, Ghirahim, and the planner. Mario, certain that Yoshi would visit a more terrible punishment on himself the longer it took to interpret this, was doing his best to put it together quickly.

"So, did you solve it?" Ghirahim asked icily. "Did you find Proton Jon's Heir?"

"Well, luckily, the mystery was solved already when I returned," the Master Hand said happily. "Turns out, it was the same person as last time- Tabuu. Though, this time, he decided to use another, through his old planner."

Ghirahim was turning whiter than normal, but Mario noted it seemed to be more from fury than surprise...

"Very lucky, wouldn't you say, that Mario put it all together," the Master Hand continued. "Found this planner. Otherwise, Peach Faron might have ended up taking all the blame. And that, of course, would be such a blow to the Farons!"

Suddenly, understanding washed over Mario. He quickly nodded at Yoshi, who casually began beating his head against the wall.

"Well," Ghirahim snarled, turning to Mario, "let's hope that Mario Mario will always be around to save the day."

"Don't worry. I will be," Mario said simply. *

For a moment, Ghirahim glared from him to the Master Hand, then he abruptly spun around and seemed to dance out, Yoshi trailing miserably in his wake.

"He really is quite the peacock," the Master Hand noted.

Mario stared after him, plotting. Suddenly, he turned to the Master Hand. "Do you think Ghirahim ever actually read through a planner?"

"Somehow, I doubt it," the Master Hand said, a smile in his voice.

"Mind if I borrow Locke's, really quickly?"

"By all means," the Master Hand replied happily. Mario seized George's planner and rushed down the stairs, praying that this would work. When he arrived in the hallway below, he was glad to see Ghirahim still there, punting Yoshi along in front of him.

"Mr. Dragmire!" he cried. "You forgot something!"

Ghirahim spun around, fire in his eyes. However, when he spoke, his voice was quite steady, even a little cheerful-sounding. "Ah, if it isn't the lad in red," he said. "What is it?"

Mario produced the planner. Ghirahim took it and stared at it. "Explain," he snarled, the kindness in his voice vanishing.

"It was you," Mario said, with no uncertainty in his voice. "You put this in Peach's book bag, way back in Hoarder's book store."

"Did I?" Ghirahim asked, glaring down at Mario. "Well, how about we see some evidence?"

Mario's face fell in, defeated. Ghirahim allowed himself a smile, pleased to have won at least one battle that day. "You don't have the power you think you do, Mario. Remember that. You're just a little kid." With this, he tossed the planner over to Yoshi. "Get rid of that," he ordered. With that, he spun around and began marching away.

He had gone quite a ways down the hall before realizing Yoshi was no longer at his side. "Yoshi?" he called, turning to see Yoshi still standing by Mario's side at the other end of the hall.

"Yoshi- has gotten written work!" Yoshi said, looking at the battered, old, ruined notebook like it was a Hylian stone. "It was given to him by the master!"

"Wha- I didn't give-" Ghirahim spluttered. "The Dark Lord never wrote-"

"No, he didn't," Mario agreed, "but there are plenty of motivational quotes in there. 'Sailing through life, adjust your course for storms,' 'Shoot for the moon, so even if you miss, you land in the stars,' stuff like that."

"Yoshi got written work!" Yoshi chirped, a smile spreading rapidly across his face. "Yoshi- Yoshi is free! So happy!"

Briefly, Ghirahim stared at them. Mario, unable to resist, added, "Not that I know what I'm talking about, I'm just a kid."

This was the last straw. Ghirahim shouted, "You've lost me my yoshi, boy!" He drew a long rapier made out of some sort of stone, and began advancing on him.

Yoshi, however, wouldn't have it. He jumped between them, glaring at Ghirahim. "You will not touch Mario Mario!" he said firmly.

Ghirahim, heedless, plunged forward, brandishing his weapon. Yoshi, in response, opened his mouth. There was a spray of pink, and suddenly, the young dinosaur's tongue was wrapped around the smasher. Ghirahim stared down in shock for a couple seconds before being drawn into Yoshi's mouth and swallowed. A moment- and look of concentration- later, Yoshi bend over and from his behind popped a large white egg with green spots. He then proceeded to pick this egg up and throw it with all his might down the hallway, where it shattered and revealed a Ghirahim Dragmire, unhurt but covered with slime and wearing a definite look of what-the-heck-just-happened.

"Ghirahim will not touch Mario Mario!" Yoshi repeated.

Ghirahim straightened up. For a moment, he seemed like he was about to strike again, but his eyes on Yoshi, he seemed to think better of it. He turned and hurried down the hall and out of sight.

His tormentor gone at last, Yoshi turned to grin at Mario. "Mario Mario saved Yoshi! How can Yoshi ever repay this debt?"

"Just one thing," Mario said. "Never try to save my life again."

Yoshi gave a small laugh, then began to dance around in joy, looking almost like he was chasing his tail.

XXXX

It was hard telling what, exactly, was the highlight of the final feast of the year. For Mario, it was probably a tie between Nintendo flooring Sierra for the Smash Bros. Trophy for the second year in a row, or the exams being canceled as a school treat, or all the petrified people returning at last (highlights of this included Mido tearing up as he picked up a mewling Louise, Pichu acting like he was on a sugar-high as he thanked Mario for saving him, Lucas and Duster embracing like brothers, Pit soaring around Nintendo as everyone cheered him on, and- his personal favorite- Zelda rushing over to him and Link, crying "You solved it! You solved it!"), and one other thing, which he later decided was the best of all. First, some context.

Mario, Link, Zelda, Peach, Kirby, and Meta were all having the feast together, and the twins were trying to cheer her up with their own brand of humor. It was only after he saw Rob passing by that Mario thought to ask, "Oh, hey, Peach, I have something to ask you."

"Yes?!" she cried, jumping as he addressed her.

"According to Rob, you saw him doing something that really embarrassed him. Care to share?"

Perking up, Kirby and Meta perked up. "Yes, sharing is caring!" they said, looking at her eagerly.

"Oh," she said. "Well, I guess it doesn't really matter anymore anyways, but- Rob has a girlfriend!"

"Say what now?" Kirby and Meta asked in deadpan unison.

"Yeah!" Peach said happily. "It's awesome, it's another robot! That robot girl from Retro, Juana! That's why he was so upset when she was attacked, you know."

Though Kirby and Meta didn't say anything, their grins very clearly said, "Oh, we're gonna get a lot of mileage out of this one!"

But this wasn't it. What was was what happened right afterwards: the doors swung dramatically open, and a gigantic twitchy left hand in a glove came in, soaring down the tables. Everyone turned to stare at him.

"Sorry me be bein latesies!" he called. "Da albatross be given Olimar da letter be like da Lost Woods, he come in true Switzerland! Dey finally gets me outs, I come right here!"

As everyone watched, he gently floated over to Mario, Link, and Zelda. "Uh... mes just gotta say... it be up to you tree dat I getsta be here now. I still be- dere, ifyou no help. So... tanks."

Unable to stop himself, Mario suddenly jumped up and gave the big hand a hug. "It's not the Smash Bros. without you, Crazy," he said. And then, slowly, he began to back up, putting his own hands together in a clap. Slowly, one by one, everyone else in the hall began to join in, clapping and applauding the return of the Crazy Hand, who simply looked around, happy but seemingly slightly confused at all the attention. And as Mario clapped, so hard that his hands were starting to go raw, he reflected on the feast at the end of last year. At the time, he'd thought it was the best time of his life, but here, applauding a gigantic hand inside a glove, he felt that he'd finally found something to top it.

_XXXX_

*Sorry, but this line was too epic to edit or omit.

oooooooooooo- oh, hey there! And that brings us to the end of another story. It's been too long, it really has. Let's hope that, when Prisoner of Subspace starts up, I actually keep a semi-decent update schedule. I don't know when said story will get started, because I have a lot of stuff going on over here. It might be next week, it might be next month. Either way, keep a look-out for it.

And, before we close off here, let's go over questions from last chapter! Our only questions today come from Angelsong2001, who asks, "Where does the coat of arms of the Smash Bros. come from?" (Slightly paraphrased.) Well, this is a question that's been waiting to be asked. Well, I'm pretty sure everyone knows where the central symbol comes from, being the symbol of the Smash Bros. in-game. The lion, in a not-so-creative burst, is exactly what it was in Harry Potter- the symbol of Nintendo/Gryffindor. The R with a lightning-bolt theme is what I _believe _the symbol of Retro is in real life (that is, the game company.) The dog on the eggs is the logo for Hal Labs, who made several great games, including Kirby and, wouldn't you have it, Super Smash Bros. Finally, the mountain with the triangles comes, not from Zelda (though that was a nice guess) but is the logo of a real-life software company named Sierra, who made a total of three games that I ever played, two of which were terrible, the last of which was so bad it was good. I guess that just translated to Slytherin for me.

Angelsong also asked that there be credits, both for characters and for references. As for the references, I'm sorry, I really am, but there are so many in this story, and it would be such a nightmare to track them all down, that I am going to have to say no to that one. If you have a specific reference you'd like to know, feel free to ask and I'll let you in on it, but there are just too many to have actual credits for them. However, the other request was interesting. The one for credits for the actual characters. This is much more reasonable, and I was able to track down all the characters, and so, from now on, any story that comes out in this series, (Prisoner of Subspace for sure, may go further, but no definite plans yet) will end with credits listing all the characters, their games, and who they're replacing. And so, in order of appearance please:

Mario Mario (Super Mario Brothers) as Harry Potter

John Smith (OC) as Vernon Dursley

Bill Smith (OC) as Dudley Durseley

Kate Smith (OC) as Petunia Dursley

Yoshi (Super Mario World) as Dobby the House-elf

Parrakarry (Paper Mario) as Hedwig

Link Faron (Legend of Zelda) as Ron Weasley

TARDIS (Doctor Who) as the flying Ford Anglia

Sky Runner (Earthbound) also as the flying Ford Anglia

Meta Knight (Kirby) as George Weasley

Kirby (Kirby) as Fred Weasley

Bootler (Paper Mario) as Errol

Flurrie (Paper Mario: the Thousand-Year Door) as Hermes

Uli (Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess) as Molly Weasley

Linebeck (Legend of Zelda: Phantom Hourglass) as Charlie Weasley

Midna (Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess) as Bill Weasley

Venus (Earthbound) as Celestina Warbeck

Peach (Super Mario Bros.) as Ginny Weasley

Foppies and Fobbies (Earthbound) as Gnomes

Rusl (Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess) as Arthur Weasley

Runaway Seven (Reference to Runaway Five: Earthbound) as the Chudley Cannons

Oreo (named for my cat) as Scabbers

ROB (the R.O.B. add-on for the NES, Mario Kart DS) as Percy Weasley

The Happy Mask Salesman (Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time and Majora's Mask) as Mr. Borgin.

Ghirahim (Legend of Zelda: Skyward Sword) as Lucius Malfoy

Bowser (Super Mario Brothers) as Draco Malfoy

Slender Man (Slender Man mythos) as random evil hag

Crazy Hand (Super Smash Bros.) as Rubeus Hagrid

Zelda Hyrule (Legend of Zelda) as Hermione Granger

goombas (Super Mario Brothers) as goblins

Teddy (Mother) as Lee Jordan

Telma (Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess) as Tom the Barman

Professor Andonuts (Earthbound) as Professor Binns

Tingle (Legend of Zelda: Majora's Mask and Wind Waker) as Gilderoy Lockhart

Photo Man (Earthbound) as Daily Prophet photographer

Angry Video Game Nerd (AVGN) as random guy at Seatac airport

Flaaghra (Metroid Prime) as the Whomping Willow

Wolf O'Donnell (Star Fox) as Severus Snape

Gamer4 (Gamer4) as Gamer4 (and once more for posterity: Gamer4)

Samus Aran (Metroid) as Minerva McGonagal

Master Hand (Super Smash Bros.) as Albus Dumbledore

Rosalina (Super Mario Galaxy) as the Fat Lady

Diddy Kong (Donkey Kong Country) as Seamus Finigan

Ness (Earthbound) as Dean Thomas

Luigi (Super Mario Bros.) as Neville Longbottom

Mailman (Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess) as howlers

Daisy (Mario Sports games) as Pomona Sprout

Boku babas (Legend of Zelda) as mandrakes

Duster (Mother 3) as Justin Finch-Fletchley

Pichu (Pokemon Gold/Silver) as Colin Creevey

Mr. Batties (Earthbound Trilogy) as Freshly Caught Cornish Pixies

Chuck Norris (Chuck Norris) as Merlin

Captain Falcon (F-Zero) as Oliver Wood

Ana (Mother) as Alicia Spinnet

Paula Polestar (Earthbound) as Katie Bell

Kumatora (Mother 3) as Angelina Johnson

Vaati (Legend of Zelda: Minish Cap) as Marcus Flint

wollywogs (Pikmin) as mudbloods

Elder Things (Lovecrafts) as pumpkins

Giga Koopa (Super Smash Bros. Melee) as a Basilisk

Nurse Tessie (Mother 3) as Madam Pomfrey

Pit (Kid Icarus) as Sir Nicholas De-Mimsey Porpington (Nearly Headless Nick)

Louise (Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess) as Mrs. Norris

Mido (Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time) as Argus Filch

Adam/Proton Jon (Runaway Guys) as Salazar Slytherin

The Boo (Super Mario Bros. 3) as Peeves the Poltergeist

The Poe (Legend of Zelda) as Moaning Myrtle

Benjamin Nelson (BEN Drowned) still as Moaning Myrtle

Gary Oak (Pokemon) as Sir Patrick-Delaney Podmore

Jigglypuff (Pokemon) as herself

scrubs (Legend of Zelda) as squibs

Chuggaaconroy (Runaway Guys) as Godric Gryffindor

NintendoCapriSun (Runaway Guys) as Helga Hufflepuff

Josh Jepson (Runaway Guys) as Rowena Ravenclaw

Ruto (Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time) as Madam Pince

Maria Sheikah (OC) as Millicent Bulstrode

Lucas (Mother 3) as Ernie Macmillan

Maya (Phoenix Wright, Ace Attorney) as Hannah Abbot

Brief appearance by Phoenix Wright (Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney) as Aberforth Dumbledore

FLUDD (Super Mario Sunshine) as the Sorting Hat

Ho-ohs (Pokemon Gold/Silver) as phoenixes

Wright (name from Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney) as Fawkes

Ganondorf (Legend of Zelda) as Vincent Crabbe

Wario (WarioWare, Wario Land) as Gregory Goyle

Juana (Mother) as Penelope Clearwater

Sheik (Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time) as the cat

George Locke Jr. (Mother) as Tom Riddle

Tabuu (Super Smash Bros. Brawl) as Voldemort

Gohma (Legend of Zelda) as Aragog

Zoey (named after a friend's dog) as Fang

Olimar (Pikmin) as Cornelius Fudge

Lakitu (Super Mario Bros.) as Madam Hooch

Thank you for reviewing, everyone who's stuck this far. Thanks for reading, even if you haven't reviewed (though reviews are always appreciated, hint hint.) So, for now, I declare this story to be at an end. Please R&R, constructive criticism always welcome, flames will be used in my blast furnace, Gamer4 out.


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